FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Mysterious Powerball Winner Plans to Buy Greece

Satirical News Service
Hartford, Connecticut

The mysterious powerball winner in the Connecticut Powerball Lottery, shown here fronted by three wealthy bank executives, stated today that although he was sorry the 254 million dollars wasn't as much as his bonus this year, he still plans to put the money to good use and buy the country of Greece. When asked why, he stated he felt sorry for all those wealthy Greek shipping magnets who now are feeling the hardship of actually having to pay taxes for the first time in their lives. "I plan to make Greece a tax haven for the rich so that the wealthy 1%'ers will always have a place to go and never have to pay a cent in taxes."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

ABC, FOX, and CBS all see possibilities in “Black Friday Reality Show”

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

November 24, 2011

Inspired by this year’s mayhem at the start of “Black Friday” sales, Network TV executives are planning to launch new reality shows around this so-called event. Fox TV is planning on coming out with “Extreme Shopper” in which 500 shoppers must run thru a maze of isles to get the one $100 40 inch flat screen TV or single ipad for $25. Anything goes and TV exec are hoping to capitalize on the extreme factor.

Not to be outdone, CBS is planning “Survivor Big Box Store” where contestants must battle each other to obtain the few discounted deals. The losers get kicked out of the store and have to pay full retail!

Meanwhile ABC is planning the Great Shopping Mall Race where contestants must race through shopping malls on Black Friday armed only with brass knuckles and pepper spray to ward off desperate shoppers to get to the great deals. The TV ratings for such shows are expected to be the highest ever.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Republican Hopefuls Affirm The Equal Right To Be Waterboarded

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In last night’s debate many of the Republican presidential hopefuls re-affirmed their stance on the equal right of anyone to be waterboarded. As one candidate stated, “According to recent studies it is well known that only early detection can prevent terrorism. This simple procedure can root out the early signs even before the individual is aware of them, and prevent that person’s unpatriotic and radical thoughts from progressing to acts of terrorism. That is why I support the right for everyone regardless of race, nationality, or economic circumstances to have free and unhindered access to waterboarding that could detect early on signs that could lead to acts of terror.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

My Mine-Mine-Mine Plan for 2012

It is estimated that this upcoming election in 2012 candidates and PACs will spend more than 400 million dollars, and that is only what is on top of the table and not under it. Sheesh, that could fund a lot of healthcare or debt pay down, depending on your whims. So I want to tell you now that this election, I’m cutting out the middle man. It’s time we returned to the good old days of politics when true democracy prevailed and a dollar and a good stiff drink could buy a vote directly. It’s time we returned to the time of great Presidents like Ulysses S Grant and Warren G Harding who knew the value of a good bribe. So if you are reading this Koch Brothers, and Warren Buffet forget about giving those overpriced PAC’s and Political Parties your hardly-earned-tax-break dollars. I ain’t watching anymore of your vitriolic ads showing Mother Teresa lashing out against Obama’s Tax policies, or Republican’s giving arsenic laced candy to minority children to try to get my vote. This election, I want the cash directly! As the old saying goes “money talks, or nobody walks”. My starting bid for buying my vote is $250 for President, and $100 per Congressman. Since after this election I figure I’ll be sleeping under a bridge anyway, I might as well get something out of it for myself. So send those “contributions” directly to me in the form of cash or money order, and come November whoever pays me the most, gets my vote. That’s the American way!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Cain denies Sexually Harrassing Libya

Satirical News Service
Milwaukee, WI

November 14, 2011

In an Interview yesterday when Herman Cain was questioned about the Obama Administration’s handling of Libya, Cain immediately denied any allegation of sexual harassment stating “ I reject any notions that I sexually harassed Libya in any way – I do not know Libya, and I did not sexually harass her in any way. If president Obama had a relationship with that woman, that would be just one more reason why voters should reject him in the next election, but I for one did not sexually harass her."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Feathery Tale

Once upon a time not long ago in a Hen House near the town of Parker, there was prosperity for all the chickens. Everyone laid their share of eggs and everybody got their fair share of chicken feed, for there was plenty for everyone.

Gradually though, many of the original hens died off, and newer ones replaced them. These older hens, who now numbered only 1% of the total hen population had gotten lazy and fat. They decided they could hatch a scheme to get most all of the chicken feed without having to compete with the other hens or work very hard at laying eggs.

They told the farmer that these 1%’ers, as they called themselves now, could lay golden eggs, and therefore were much much more valuable than the other 99% of the chickens. Because of this, they said, they should get the biggest nests to lay their eggs in and get the lion share of the chicken feed – 213% more chicken feed to be precise.

The farmer willingly obliged. But to do this he had to cut some of the feed for the other chickens since there was only so much chicken feed to go around. The other hens worked three times as hard to produce more and more eggs, but since their food was less, their eggs were smaller.

Meanwhile the older hens had it made. They would show the farmer their one or two golden eggs in their nest, and the farmer kept giving them more and more perks. To keep fooling the famer, they told him that golden eggs were harder to lay, and that they needed to sit on them much longer before they could be gathered .

They demanded that the farmer should give even less to the other chickens so that they could keep producing more golden eggs.

Soon the other chickens were pushed out of their nests and forced to find nesting space anywhere they could find it.

They built huge fences to keep out the chickens that looked odd or darker and were of Mexican breeds.

As egg production fell, and egg lays were off, the farmer grew impatient and decided to harvest those golden eggs that he had been promised by those 1%’ers. He went into the coop one day when the chickens were asleep, and took those few golden eggs they had been sitting on for so long.

As he picked them up, he found them to be extremely fragile and cracked to pieces with the slightest pressure. On closer examination it turns out they weren't gold at all, but only painted that way. When he scratched the surface of the eggs, they shattered revealing a toxic mess of rotten egg! The mess was so bad that the other chickens stopped laying altogether.

Soon there were no eggs and most of the other 99% were living on what they could forage.

Still the 1%’ers insisted that it was all just a big misunderstanding, and if the farmer would just continue to give them more food and let them keep their bigger nests, they would produce those promised golden eggs.

While most chickens weren’t taken in by this ruse, some of the chickens – most notably the tea colored ones got very angry, said “It's all the farmer's fault! He should Take the feed away from those other chickens who don’t belong here anyway. Make them go back to where they came from."

And then all the rest of the birds became Angry Birds, and soon everybody was just throwing eggs at each other instead of laying them for their common benefit.

So moral of this story is……well you can make up your own.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Rick Perry's Three AM Moment

Perry: General, I have just received credible intelligence that the United States is under imminent threat! I want you to launch an immediate attack!

General: Yes Mr. President, but whom do you want to launch the attack against?

Perry: Whom??……Wait a minute, I’ve got it….yep, it’s on the tip of my tongue…Oh, Damn…wait…Oh! It’s one of those places that begin with an “I”.

General: India? Israel? Ireland? Italy? Iceland?

Perry: No Dammit! It’s one of those Middle Western States!

General: Iowa?

Perry: “Iowa! Yep! That’s gotta be it! I want you to launch an all-out attack against Iowa!...and general ....just to be certain, could you launch attacks against all those other places you mentioned that begin with an “I” too– just in case I’m wrong about Iowa!

Italy Downsizes its Shape after European Central Bank says Size of Italy’s Debt Too Big to Fix

Satirical News Service
Rome, Italy

After the ECB declared Italy's Debt too Big to fix, Italy took the radical step of downsizing the country. As one Italian official stated, " For centuries our country has had traditional boot shape. But fashions change and we feel this new look represents a more sensible style for Italians rather than the high heeled boot look."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Vote for Me – I’m a total Zero

Today, I am formally announcing my Candidacy for the GOP Presidential Race. After watching the inexplicable success of GOP congressmen getting elected after their expressed desire to do nothing, and now watching the current circus of GOP hopefuls express their desire to return to some other century, I am proposing my 0-0-0 plan.

The Zero-Zero-Zero plan quite simply is my stated goal of doing absolutely nothing for 4 years. Yep – Nada! The good news to all you Republicans is that you can bet there will be no new taxes, no new spending, and no new Health Plans. For you Democrats, I pledge no new tax cuts, no new entitlement program cuts, and no new social agendas.

Under the Zero-Zero-Zero plan I figure I can appeal to those Republicans who seem perfectly happy with the status quo, and those Moderates and Liberals who are more afraid of the Tea Party than doing nothing.

Taking a page from George W Bush before he got side-tracked by 911, I plan to spend my entire presidential term on vacation. No meetings, no congressional negotiations, no reading boring briefs like “Bin Laden bent on Attacking the US”. I plan to have a lot of fun and leisure while the rest of you Bozo’s stagnate. The 1%’ers already have this figured out and I want in this game too.

So here is my Pledge to you. If I am elected president I promise to do absolutely NOTHING for my entire term. So you can put your fears aside and just remember my slogan – “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained”.

New App for the 99%'ers

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Following the phenomenal success of the app “Angry Birds”, App developers today released a new version of this app called “Angry 99%’ers”. This app is specifically designed to appeal to those 99%’ers who don’t want to set up pup-tents in overcrowded public parks and battle police, but still want to express their anger at Wall Street and the 1%’ers.