President Shows He’s Ready To Take Radical Steps In Budget Deficit Crisis – Plans To Sell Some States To China

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to show recalcitrant Republicans that he is willing to implement radical reforms to cut the deficit, President Obama announced today he plans to sell certain states to China starting with John Boehner's home state of Ohio and Eric Cantor's home state of Virginia.

According to the White House this move will bring in additional revenue from the sale and significantly reduce the budget since the US will no longer have to support social services, social security and education in those states. Republicans will get to have the lower and more simplified Chinese income taxes and no more government run health care. The Chinese have also stated a willingness to provide jobs to Americans in their manufacturing plants providing junk for Wal-Mart (at Chinese wages). Since they are already "Red" states, they should have no trouble getting along with the Chinese. Americans currently living in those states will have to apply for immigration status to live in other states within the US, and wait there turn to obtain green cards. Best of all, Boehner and Cantor will no longer have any states to represent so they will be unemployed, and in-eligible for un-employment benefits.

TSA “Trusted Traveler Program” Moves Forward

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Transportation Security Administration chief John Pistole took his first step in that direction Thursday, announcing a pilot project for passengers who voluntarily send Twitter images of their genitals to the TSA. Once we have these on file, our agents will have a reference file to work with so they can tell when they “pat your junk” that it is in fact your junk that they are patting down and not some explosive device.

Politicians hailed it as a major change of philosophy that eventually could have a major impact on airport screening, diverting security from known individuals and focusing attention on unknown travelers and suspected terrorists.