Edward Snowden Recounts Secret Meeting with Pope Francis

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC


SNS has learned today that a private meeting occurred between Wikileaker Edward Snowden and Pope Francis during the pope's historic trip to the United States. After receiving a surprise phone call from a church official, the former NSA employee traveled to Washington, D.C. in disguise, where he briefly met the pope Sept. 24 at the Vatican Embassy, right after his meeting with Kim Davis.

“I was crying. I had tears coming out of my eyes,” Snowden said in an exclusive interview with Satirical News. “I'm just a nobody, so it was really humbling to think he would want to meet or know me.I put my hand out and he reached and he grabbed it, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Snowden said. “And  then he said, ‘thank you for your courage.’”

Father Benedettini from the Vatican Press office released a statement after reports emerged that Snowden and the pope had met.

“The Holy See is aware of the reports of Edward Snowden meeting with the Holy Father. The Vatican does not confirm the meeting, nor does it deny the meeting. There will be no further information given,“ the statement reads.

Hours later, Father Benedettini said, in another statement, “I do not deny that the meeting took place, but I will not comment on it further."

The Apostolic Nunciature in Washington, D.C. would also not elaborate, echoing the Vatican's latest statement.

Republicans Accused of Dismembering Cecil Richards and Selling her Body Parts

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Horrific videos were released today by Planned Parenthood that show graphic footage of Cecil Richards, CEO of Planned Parenthood, being dismembered and eviscerated by Republican House Members and her “red meat”  sold to Republican Candidates. Planned Parenthood employees secretly filmed this dismemberment by members of Congress this week, who now deny that it ever took place. 

As one Republican House Committee member stated, “It is clear that this is a total fabrication. While we may occasionally give away some body parts, such as heads, to Research firms such as Heritage Foundation, The Liberty Institute and The Pro-Life Action Committee, we do not sell these parts to anyone for a profit. These heads and other parts  are very important in providing vital research toward defunding Planned Parenthood, Abolishing Obamacare, and supporting Ultra-Conservative Congressional and Presidential candidates.  It is absurd to think that we simply dismember and eviscerate these people in ritualistic Congressional  Hearings while they are still alive and then sell their body parts.”

Apple Annouces iLickit - Security Feature for ipad/iphone

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Apple Computer today leaked the first glimpse of a new security feature that they claim will revolutionize the way we access our devices. Coming fast on the heels of their new 3D touch technology, iLickit ® is a totally new interface that will soon appear on all their phones and tablets.

According to sources at Apple, users will no longer have to remember or type in passwords. They simply lick the screen. The screen has special sensors that remembers the DNA composition of the users’ saliva, and compares it to what is stored in the memory. To initiate this feature, users must first lick their screen 3 times to set up the memory profile for that user. Other users may also set up their profile using the same technique. After that the phone is secured and can only be accessed by a lick from the owner or authorized user. While this feature still has some kinks to work out, such as when the user has been eating onions or really strong tasting foods, it shows great promise to change the way we securely access all our devices

As yet, no specific date has been released when models with this feature will become available.

Martin Shkreli Being Eyed by Republicans for VP Spot

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Martin Shkreli, the former Hedge fund manager who recently jacked up the price of a drug 4000%, is now being seriously considered by Republicans for the VP spot on the ticket. An un-named source high up in the Republican Party stated“Martin Shkreli embodies all of the values the Republican party holds dear – Un-restrained greed, un-bridled capitalism, blatant lack of compassion, and unquestioned willingness to make enormous profits on the backs of sick people”. While he does not profess to be anti-gay”, one Republican staffer added, “the fact that the drug he jacked the price up on is used to treat AIDS can’t hurt.” According to Martin Shkreli’s press secretary he has already been approached by high ranking staffers from several of the Candidates.

Trump Demands to See Pope birth Certificate to Prove He was Born in the Vatican

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After Pope Francis called Trump un-Christian for his statements on immigration and deporting Muslims, Donald Trump shot back that he wasn't really qualified to be Pope and demanded to see his birth certificate to prove he was he was actually born in the Vatican.

Negotiations Underway With Iran to Change Their “Death to America” Chant

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

After narrowly getting the Iran Nuclear Treaty deal passed through Congress this year, the Obama administration is setting its sights on a new deal that would change the “Death to America” chant that Iranians use at rallies every time America is mentioned.

In an interview with the lead negotiator from the US State Department, he stated, “It has become very clear that this is a serious problem for US-Iranian relations right now, and especially for Democrats who want a more conciliatory relationship with Iran. Every time we try to put an olive branch out there, we see news footage of some Iranian rally shouting ‘Death to America’. The American people simply cannot accept this. We are now involved in new negotiations to try to change this chant to something else.”

It has been learned by SNS that Iranians have put forward several proposals that offer a more conciliatory tone. One proposal put forth by negotiators is to change the chant to simply “Illness to America”, but the Iranians insisted on changing the wording of it to “Long and Debilitating illness to America”; something the US could not accept.

Another proposal was “Death to only a (blank) percentage of Americans”, but what that percentage is was still deadlocked. The Iranians also insisted on putting in the words “who are non-Muslim”, which American negotiators cannot accept.

In an effort to break the deadlock, negotiators from European nations have put forth the chant “Death to Western Powers” as an acceptable alternative, but the Soviets feel that it might be construed to indicate them as well as NATO nations, and oppose it.

Republicans in Congress also want any change in the Iranians’ chants to also include their “Death to Israel” chant – something that the Iranians have unequivocally rejected.

Scientists say that GOP debate confirms their Worst Fears about America’s Diet of Reality TV Shows

Satirical News Service
Simi Valley, CA

Scientists from all over the world who watched the GOP debate last night, and concluded that their worst fears have come true. “Years ago, we warned TV executives about the dangers of feeding the American people a steady diet of Reality TV shows. We told them then that people would not be able to distinguish reality itself from the vanity and stupidity that they saw on these shows. Now we’ve seen the result of this in the form of a GOP presidential debate that rivaled the David Springer Show and the Bachelorette."

Texas Governor Perry Demands Crackdown on Sale and Possession Of Clocks

Satirical News Service
Austin, Texas

Texas Governor Perry today took immediate steps to prevent the proliferation of unregistered clocks, after an honor student in Houston was arrested after bringing a homemade clock to school. Governor Perry stood before the state legislature and demanded that they immediately pass legislation that would require background checks and a 10 day waiting period for anyone wanting to purchase certain types of clocks.

   “Right now anyone can simply walk into a department store and purchase a clock without any background check. Kids can easily purchase the materials to make their own home made clocks on the Internet without any regulation to prevent this. “

Governor Perry also wants to stop the sales of certain types of clocks that are capable of displaying time in multiple time zones, and clocks that can store multiple alarms. Governor Perry said “Simply put, these types of clocks are just “time killers”. 

One state senator who was moved by the governor’s speech said “We are dealing here with nothing less than a ticking clock.” 

The NRA however came down solidly against this legislation saying it was just one step closer to the government taking away our guns. A spokesman for the NRA said, “It’s what we have said many times; the only way to stop a bad guy with a clock, is a good guy with a glock”.

The State of Kentucky Decides to Opt out of United States for Religious Reasons

Satirical News Service
Frankfort, KY

In a stunning announcement yesterday, the State Legislature of Kentucky, whose body is made up largely of Fundamentalist Christians, has announced that hence forth they are opting out of being a State in the Union for religious reasons. 

          As they stated in their Declaration of Christian Independence, “The United States has become too anti-Christian by requiring them to uphold the laws equally to Fundamentalist Christians and all others. For this reason the State of Kentucky has decided to ‘opt out’ of the United States. We will henceforth be known as the Fundamentalist Christian State of Kentucky". 

        Current residents of that state can choose to stay provided they declare their unconditional allegiance to Jesus Christ and the belief that every word in the Bible is true and unequivocal. They must also show proof of being heterosexual, although details of how this will be determined have yet to be worked out. All those who do not want to adhere to these requirements are free to leave the state.
         As one state representative stated “It is our First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom to do this action”. 

New Empty Chairs Enter the 2016 Presidential Race

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As we approach the second round of GOP presidential candidate debates this week, Hillary Clinton’s polling number seem to be sliding while Donald Trump’s inexplicably seem to be rising. So with the American electorate so totally confused, several new “Empty Chairs”,have seen this as an opportunity to enter the presidential race.

The Witches Dunking Chair

This chair polls very well with the Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee crowd who want to bring America back to old Puritan ways.

The Public Bus Bench

This chair seems to poll very well with the Bernie Sanders crowd who favor more equality and communal social values.

The Hand-Me-Down Chair

This chair polls well with the Jeb Bush crowd who favor well-worn Republican slogans and policies recycled from the previous two Bushes.

The One-Gaping-Hole Chair

This chair seems to poll well with the Hillary Clinton crowd. It basically has plain sturdy back and legs, but one gaping hole in it.

The New Republican chair

This is your basic old hard chair, but they’ve added a large soft ill-fitting cushion to give it a little more comfort.

The Do-You-Really-Want-To-Keep-That-Old-Thing Chair

This chair polls well with supporters who’d like Joe Biden to enter the race, It’s pretty worn out, but still provides that old-worn-shoes comfort.

The Full-of-Holes Chair

This chair is very rickety and full of holes, but the back is covered with a cushion to act like it’s still functional as a chair. This should also appeal to many Republican voters and even some supporters of Hillary Clinton.

The Trump Chair

 No explanation needed.

“Gluten Free” Paleolithic Cave Discovered in Southern Italy

Cave Drawing appears to depict a Gluten Free symbol

Satirical News Service
Puglia, Italy

In a cave in Puglia, southern Italy, spectacular cave paintings were uncovered that appears to show evidence of a “Gluten Free” culture. These drawing appear in a cave just adjacent to the one in where first evidence of stones used by Paleolithic people to grind wheat 32,000 years ago was discovered last week. The large cave drawing depicts a primitive drawing of wheat stalks with a slash and circle, symbolizing a warning not to eat this. Proponents of the "Paleo" diet point to this this new discovery as significant.

Scientists in South Africa Find Undiscovered Humanoid Species

Satirical News Service
Johannesburg, South Africa

Scientists working in remote regions of South Africa have uncovered the bones of a previous unknown species of humanoids. What distinguishes this species was a very colorful out-crop of brightly colored hair that scientists surmised from taking DNA samples. They named this species Homo Obnoxious Ignoramus.

Based upon artifacts found in the cave, it appears that this species did not get along well with other humanoids, and was believed to have a very vocally obnoxious  behavior. It refused to hunt on its own, and insisted that the females and other species hunt for him. One trait that scientists found strange was it seemed to want to build walls everywhere in and around their cave to isolate themselves, and prominently display their markings on the entrances to their overly lavish cave. It is unknown whether this species went completely extinct, or whether some eventually survived to breed with other species of humanoids. 

The 0-0 One Percenters Labor Day Picnic

Satirical News Service
The Hamptons, NY

A Group of the 0.01%’er’s sponsored at picnic today at the posh home of a hedge fund manager who wished to go unnamed. They were there to celebrate the “hard work and the American Dream that made them the rich men they are today.” It was catered by mostly immigrant, minority and women workers who were being paid less than minimum wage with no health benefits. Some complained how the current low bank interested rates were preventing them from getting a decent return on their investments to a young college student who had just parked their cars for minimum wages in order to pay off his exorbitant student loans.  After a few speeches about how illegal immigration is spoiling the American economy, they sat down to a meal that had been prepared and harvested by some of those same immigrants. They then went on to rail about Obamacare and the oppressive taxes in place now (of which they pay little), and the need to bring back traditional American values of hard work and sacrifice, while they continue to ship the jobs that enable that overseas. They then cracked jokes about how happy they were that Warren Buffet was not invited. All in all it was a good picnic. 

Trump Now Plans To Build Wall Around Hawaii

Site of proposed wall around Hawaii

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the recent rise in “boat people” from Asia, and the faltering Chinese economy, Donald Trump today stressed an urgent need to build a wall around Hawaii. In an Instagram message he posted earlier today, he ranted that "The Indonesian and Chinese economies were going bust as evidence by last week’s meltdown of their currency and recent boatloads of immigrants leaving Indonesia". He went on to say, "The first place they are going to go is to the USA in droves to find jobs. You can bet that any day not we’ll start to see boat loads of Chinese, Indonesians, North Koreans, and who knows what else washing up on the shores of Hawaii and dumping  their contents of illegal immigrants. It’s time we took measures to prevent this from happening before it does by building a wall around Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Think about it! its’ the closest place in the US from China, and that’s where they’re going to go!"

In the past few weeks many Republican Presidential hopefuls have warmed up to Trump’s “Wall” proposals to prevent illegal immigration, and have recently proposed one across the Canadian frontier as well. While they still are reluctant to take a stand on something as expensive and complex as a wall around Hawaii, many admit it does have merit, and is better than seeing 1 billion Chinese and other illegal immigrants take jobs away from real Americans who migrated there from the Continental USA.  

Another County Clerk Refuses to Issue Marriage Licenses To Christians – Says "They Must First Pledge Their Souls To Satan"

Satirical News Service
Lexington, KY

 In another twist of events in the on-going saga of marriage licenses, another county clerk in Kentucky going only by the name “Lucifer” states that he is following his conscience by refusing to issue marriage licenses to people of the Christian faith. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he stated “I cannot in good conscience allow this travesty of marriage between two Christians to legally take place unless they first pledge their eternal souls to Satan”. 

Lucifer is a devout member of the Satanic Church and feels that it is his constitutional right to make this stand based upon his First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom.