True Food Adventures

Apple CEO Admits “We have no Idea How to Get Into the IPhone”

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Apple Computer’s CEO Tim Cook finally came forward and admitted that they have no idea how to get into the Apple iPhone’s OS, or even the iPhone itself for that matter. “When Steve Jobs died, he took the source code and schematics with him”, said Cook. "Now no one has a clue how these thing actually work. We just keep adding new features to the thing each year so people will buy them and think we’re innovating new stuff. Actually we’re just sticking different sockets and doo-dads on the thing, but have no clue how the things actually work.”

Republican’s Call for a Cessation of President’s Day Until They Can Get Elected

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

House Leader Mitch McConnell today called on his fellow Republicans to vote on banning all celebrations of President’s Day until they can get a Republican back in the White House. He said in an interview, “We should reserve this sacred holiday only for great Republican Presidents like Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon, and whoever we can get elected in the next election. We are calling on Congress to pass a law suspending the holiday until then. Instead, we propose a national day dedicated to investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

Koch Brothers Plan to Announce Their Appointee for the Vacant Supreme Court Seat

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Charles and David Koch today announced that they would appoint their own Supreme Court Justice shortly since it has become apparent that the President can’t and Congress won’t. In a statement released today by Koch Industries, they stated “It’s time just we eliminate the middle men in this process and just do it ourselves. It saves a lot more money in the long run. We’re screening people now, and shortly will have an appointee that we'll be happy with very soon.”

Microcephaly Linked to Watching Republican Debates

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Investigators from the World Health Organization have discovered a link between microcephaly and watching the Republican debates on TV. Unlike the microcephaly that is linked to the Zita mosquito virus that affects only unborn babies, this virus seems to affect full grown adults. The severity of symptoms is directly proportional to the number of debates that a person has watched. Quoting one WHO investigator, “By the time they have watched seven debates their brain size has shrunk to that of a baby chimpanzee.”

CDC Confirms Another Case of Affluenza. Efforts at Eradication Appear Unsuccessful.

Third confirmed case of Affluenza in Patient known as Mr. "S"

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Yet another confirmed case of Affluenza has been confirmed today by the CDC. The patient in question Mr. “S” has come down with a severe case of it, and has affected millions of individuals by raising prices for a critically needed drug 5000% in his company. Affluenza is shown to produce a complete lack of social conscience, and acts of wanton greed and disregard for human suffering.

Efforts so far to eradicate this have not been unsuccessful and the contagion appears to be spreading. The CDC has expressed grave concern over this with the US presidential elections looming and the outbreak continuing to spread unchecked. Some have suggested cancelling the elections until this epidemic can be controlled.

Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz of Intentionally Deflating His Balls to Win In Iowa

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a repeat of “Deflate Gate” that surround the Boston Patriots playoffs last year, Donald Trump yesterday Tweeted that he lost in Iowa solely because Ted Cruz intentionally deflated his balls.

Ted Cruz declared the Winner in the Canadian Caucuses

Satirical News Service
Toronto, Canada

With the results just in, Ted Cruz has been declared the winner in the Canada Caucuses to elect a US president. Nearly 100% of the voters returning from the polls yesterday said they voted for him to keep in on the US side of the border with Canada. "We sure as hell don’t want him coming back here. God forbid he should even consider coming back and running for office here in Canada. No one here can stand the SOB!" 

Mike Huckabee “Unfriends” GOD after Cruz win in Iowa

Satirical News Service
Des Moines, Iowa

Mike Huckabee formally suspended his campaign for Presidency today after a huge loss in the Iowa Caucuses. In a Tweet he sent out to his followers, he Tweeted

“I am unfriending GOD on Facebook! I’m done with that two-faced Zeus! This whole time I kept hearing 'Have faith in me, Trust in me!' Making like we’re BFF’s. Then what does he do – he lets Ted Cruz win in Iowa! Ted Cruz! Like he’s holier than me or something. Well G--O--D, I’m thru with you! And I want my WWJD wrist band back too! You can wear your new WWTD wrist band! 

Two angry Devil Faced emoticons follow