Republicans Vow To Outlaw Healthcare After Supreme Court Affirms Obamacare

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 The Republican dominated Congress has vowed to completely outlaw any form of healthcare after the Supreme Court’s decision today. According to Mitch McConnell, “We won’t just stop at repealing Obamacare, but will make any attempt to get healthcare a federal crime”. Arizona’s Jan Brewer has already initiated such a law that will require police to stop anyone the suspect is seeking healthcare, and deport them. Mitt Romney stated “I was for this decision before I was against it”

Apple Adds New Button to iPhone – iPhone Users in Ecstasy

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, California

After months of speculation, Apple Inc. announced today that the new iPhone would have a new button. Immediately upon hearing the announcement long lines of dedicated iPhone users began forming outside of Apple stores eager to be the first to obtain the new iPhones even though it would not be available for several months.  When asked about the purpose of the button, Apple officials stated that at present it has no function at all, but expect in some future version of the iPhone, it would do something, although they declined to speculate what that might be.

One user who was in an early beta tester of the new iPhone said “Man!” “It was like ecstasy just holding the thing in your hand!” “The feel of that new button just can’t be described in words!” Blogs around the world were rife with praises of the new button innovation and expressed sorrow that Steven Jobs was not there to see this incredible innovation.

Negative Ads by SuperPAC’s are Boosting Job Growth this Election Year

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Mitt Romney today touted the hundreds of millions of dollars that super PAC’s have poured into negative political ads, as an example of how private industry, without government intervention, can add more jobs to the economy. “These aren’t government bail out programs, but genuine efforts by concerned private citizens like Bob Perry working hand in hand with private industry to create thousands of new, jobs and  train these people for jobs in the negative-ad-writing field."

In his speech Romney sited the 185 million dollars spent so far and even more is expected to be spent before the election is over. “Workers with these skills have great prospects for a long and lucrative career, and the SuperPAC’s supporting the Republican party intends to keep ti that way." 

On his campaign, Mitt Romney stopped at a sign-spinning school where he watched new young recruits showing off their valuable skills in the sign-spinning business. He stated that this demonstrated a promising future for career minded new grads.