AIRLINES TO ADD NEW UPCHARGE TO ACTUALLY FLY THE PLANE

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In the never ending battle to find new ways to gouge passengers for more money, several airlines today announced that they will be adding a new upcharge to actually fly the plane to your destination.

According to one airlines spokesperson, “Many people are happy to pay a very discounted fare just get on airplane and sit on the tarmac and watch in-flight entertainment and eat our standard peanuts and soft drink snacks for several hours before disembarking. For those passengers we continue to offer our standard discount fares,  however seat assignment charges, checked baggage, carry on surcharges, extra-leg-room surcharges, and in-flight entertainment fees will still apply. For those passengers who insist on actually having the plane fly somewhere, we feel it is only appropriate that they pay additional upcharge that will be collected before boarding the plane. The new upcharge will have a two fee structure. The first one will be for actually flying the airplane, the second will be to actually fly the airplane to the destination you want to go, and not one we choose. “

Advocating Raising Taxes on the Richest 1% linked to Cancer! – Doctors Warn!

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following the startling announcement today by Warren Buffet that he has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer, several doctors went on record stating that there was a definite link between his advocating higher taxes for the richest 1%’ers and his Prostate Cancer. According to one MD – “This should serve as a warning to anyone who irresponsibly advocates that the richest people in this country should pay a little higher tax rate than their secretaries. This definitely proves that there in an incontrovertible link between this and his diagnosis of Cancer. No doubt, had he acted a little more responsible in this matter, he would not be facing such a grim prognosis.”

Immediately after the announcement, House Republican Leader John Boehner demanded that warning labels be placed on every tax return form stating “Advocating increased taxes on wealthy people causes Cancer!” Other Republicans demanded stronger warnings including “Advocating Obamacare and birth control causes Cancer” as well.

Romney – “The Weather Has gotten significantly worse since Obama took Office”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In his latest effort to show how much worse things have gotten since Obama took office. Mitt Romney today made the claim that “Our weather has gotten significantly worse since Obama took office” in which he noting the recent increases in huge tornados, heat and cold waves, and flooding due to torrential rains and snow packs. In his speech Romney stated “I can’t rule out that there isn’t a connection here”. We certainly know that the Obama administration has tried to foister these events off on the dubious liberal theory of “Global Warming”, instead of admitting responsibility for them himself. “

In another statement responding to the statement by an Obama staffer that his wife had never worked a day in her life, Romney countered, “I know a lot of wives who work, most of my 15 hired maids who manage my three homes and care for my kids all have families and are working, so I have a pretty good understanding of the needs of working women.”

Cheney Makes Appearance at Wyoming GOP Convention – Bags 4 Lawyers.

Satirical News Service
Laramie, WY

The newly remade Dick Cheney made an appearance to an enthusiastic crowd at the Wyoming GOP convention. Instead of addressing the convention he put on a skeet shooting demo where he shot lawyers running across the stage. He managed to hit 4 out 6 of them.