Fluoridation of Water Blamed for Poor Performance of US Skaters in SOCHI Olympics

Satirical News Service
Sochi, Russia

The USA, which normally dominates skating events in the Winter Olympics, has performed unexpectedly poorly. With millions of dollars in revenue riding on these events, it is no small matter.

According the USA team skating coach Jack Ripper (retired USAF)  the problem stems from the Russian’s use of Fluoride in the water to make the ice for the skating and Hockey events. “It’s incredibly obvious”, quoted Ripper, “Introduce a foreign substance into the water without the knowledge of the individual athlete, and certainly without a choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core Russkie works!”

The IOC is looking into these allegations. 

Florida Legislature Acts Quickly to Regulate Playing of Loud Music

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

Following the verdict in the Michael Dunn Case after the tragic “stand your ground” shooting of a Florida teenager in a parking lot, Florida legislatures acted quickly to prevent this from happening again.  The Republican House Speaker was quoted as saying “There is no reason that people should possess large numbers of downloaded music files and have the unrestricted right to play them openly in public at high volumes threatening the lives of Florida citizens.” He  went on the propose a 10 day waiting period before being able to download more than 4 songs a day, background checks on any person owning an ipod or MP3 player, and a law mandating that all MP3 and ipod devices be equipped with volume regulator devices to prevent them from playing at more than 6 decibels. "While these measures may seem overly restrictive to some Americans, we feel it is the only way we can protect our gun loving citizens who might feel threatened by this, and force them to have to stand their ground using deadly force."  

Hundreds of Flights Delayed out of New Jersey After Super Bowl- Christie Declares “Weather Emergency”.

Satirical News Service
Rutherford, New Jersey

Airlines today cancelled hundreds of flights, most of them originating out of New Jersey, following the conclusion of the Super Bowl preventing many travelers from returning home from that fair state. Governor Christie declared a “weather emergency” despite balmy 40 degree temperatures. Aides to the governor were seen placing cones on runways preventing planes from taking off or landing.  According tone  aide who would not be identified, Governor Christie was said to have muttered “Bad mouth me  and you’ll see what you get!” It is still uncertain when normal flight operations will resume.