Colorado is First State to Allow Opting Out of Traffic Laws for Philosophical Reasons

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

Colorado, the state that has the laxest gun laws and lowest rate of vaccinations in the nation, has now become the first state to allow individuals to opt out of traffic laws for what they feel are “philosophical reasons”. One group of individuals who pushed through this law stated “There is absolutely no hard evidence to show that stopping at stop signs or red lights will increase longevity. In fact, some studies have shown that sudden stops can cause more accidents. We feel that driving is a matter of individual decision making, and the government needs to get out of our face when it comes to personal decisions like this. After all what message does it send to a young teenager facing stiff competition in schools, jobs and life to see the word Stop. This is a question of personal values and the right to make decisions ourselves."

Colorado is now planning on issuing new license plates with the motto “I’m nuts, Get outta my way!"

African Nations Pledge To Send Teams Of Doctors To US to Contain Outbreak Of Measles

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The African nations of Liberia and Sierra Leone have both pledged to send teams of their own doctors to the US to help educate US citizens on containing the new outbreak of measles. 

In a recent statement  a spokesperson for Doctors within Africa stated that they face an uphill battle in the US getting people to understand that Western Medicine works. He went on to say that many Americans still believe their local “Witch Doctors” who go on TV talk shows and convince people that vaccinations and Western Medicine cause bad ”Ju-Ju. The people fear their own public health officials and then do not report cases as they start. This only worsens  the threat of a nationwide outbreak. We realize that there is a lot of superstition there to overcome there, but by bringing our knowledge of vaccines and Western Medicine we can educate these primitive people and bring them into the 21^st century like we have in Africa.