Dick Dynasty to Replace Duck Dynasty on A&E

In an effort to save face and escape further ostracizing by the Gay and Black communities after the outrageous comments by the Phil Robertson, the star of Duck Dynasty, A&E has decided to cancel the show and replace it with a show called “Dick Dynasty”.  Dick Dynasty will features four very openly gay men who sport vivid facial hair and rather vibrant and outrageous clothing. The cast consists of two gay white males, one gay black, one gay Hispanic, and one transgender. The show will be filmed in Minnesota which is more open to gays, and will feature the cast paddling through the lakes of upper Minnesota doing loon calls and photographing ducks from hideouts. No guns of any kind will be used in the show.

Yes Virginia, There is No Black Santa Claus

"DEAR Megyn Kelly: I am 8 years old.

"Some of my little friends say there is a Black Santa Claus.

"Papa says, 'If you see it on FOX News  it's so.'

"Please tell me the truth; is there a Black Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.

"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the liberal media – the same liberal media that wants to ban guns, give poor people welfare and  force socialized medicine on us. They think that just because some misguided  shopping malls who cow-tow to political correctness, that makes it so. All these bleeding heart liberal minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little and completely misguided.  In this great universe of ours FOX NEWS speaks the honest truth, that man is not descended from apes, as those liberal godless school teachers would have you believe it, are incapable of grasping the real truth and knowledge as we at FOX know it to be true

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus, but let me assure he is most assuredly a white gun toting, tea party conservative. He exists as certainly as forty seven percent of the people live care free off the sweat of the real hard working tax paying Americans, and above all he is White! Alas! how dreary would be the world if Santa Claus were some some bling draped rapper with his pants down to his crotch blaring away some rap version of Santa Claus is coming to Town. It would be as dreary as if there were no FOX News. There would be no childlike bickering among ignoramuses on daily talk “news shows”, no idiotic “birther” arguments. We should have no facts except those reported by the liberal media. The eternal light with which FOX NEWS fills the world would be extinguished.

Believe in Black Santa Claus! You might as well believe in gun control and Obamacare! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch some black rapper Santa Claus and blow him back to the South Pole where he belongs. But even if they did see Black Santa Claus coming down, could they prove that he wasn’t born in Kenya? Nobody believes in Black Santa Claus just like no one believes we should have a black President. That sign should be enough to convince you that there is no Black Santa Claus. The most real truths in the world are those that  I, and FOX NEWS want you to see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn or going to the city hall to get legally married? If you do call the police at once! Still that's no proof that they are not there, but we will do our best to try to ignore them. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world, but we’ll do our best to convince you otherwise.

You may tear apart you TV set to see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the idiotic view of the world we present every day ; which not the wisest man, nor even the united strength of all the liberal intellectuals who ever lived, could tear apart. Push aside that curtain Virginia and view and the real world as we at FOX NEWS know it to be true. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this if we say it’s real, then it MUST be so.

A Black Santa Claus! Thank God there is no such thing! A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, we will continue to deny that he exists and that President Obama was NOT born in Kenya.

New Rollout For Healthcare.gov Web Site

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following the disastrous initial rollout of Healthcare.gov, the Obama administration has hired the makers of Xbox games to totally redesign the site.

                In beta testing now is Call to Healthcare. Once users enter this site they must run through a gauntlet of Republican congressmen who try to block everything; health insurance companies that try to cut off your access to healthcare by putting up enormous premiums in your path, and finally hospitals and doctors who make you wait in crowded rooms for care only to be told that you can’t get it because it they don’t qualify. Meanwhile users are pursued by relentless death panels that want to terminate you completely. So far the beta testing it did not fare well with anyone over the age of 14, but they are working on a new version called Fast And Furious Healthcare Delivery.

Apple Inc Introduces the Ypad

Satiricial News Service

Cupertino, CA

Less than two months after releasing the latest ipad air, Apple Inc. today announced their newest revolutionary invention, the “Ypad”. The Ypad is totally unique in that it uses zero electricity and is made of totally recycled materials. We feel it is one of the most ecological devices we’ve ever made!

To use it, one simply places the tip of a graphite filled stylus we call the Ypencil onto the surface of the Ypad and proceeded to write. Miraculously letters and words appear where the Ypencil moves. To delete the word, one simply turns the Ypencil 180 degrees and rubs the letter out with a soft rubber surface. When the message is completed, the user simply tears off the top surface of the Ypad and hands it to the intended person. No need for internet or cellular connectivity.

The Apple spokesperson went on to say “We feel this product will totally revolutionize the tablet market in the coming months spawning a new line of ecologically aware devices that decrease our dependency of electricity, and cut down on the need to dispose of expensive electronic components and eco hazardous batteries.”

The Ypad is expected to retail at Apple Stores for about $500 and users are already lined up to be the first to have one of these new Ypads.

Glitches Hamper Implementation of Obamacare Death Panels

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In yet another setback for the Obama administration, authorities reported glitches in the implementation of Death Panels – one of the Keystones to Obamacare.  Many people said that when they tried to sign their elderly relatives up for the death panels on the internet, they were told conflicting information. According to one person “We tried to sign granny up for the government death panel, but they said that they couldn't because of a pre-existing condition. We thought those would go away once Obamacare was initiated. "

Another individual reported that they were told to leave their elderly parents out by the curb by 8:00 a.m., but when they returned later that afternoon, they were still where they had left them. When they called they told that they were too young to receive death panel benefits –too young! Someone else complained that they had been assured that children would be eligible for death panels, but then they were told the same thing.

Obviously Obamacare still has some glitches to overcome, but as Vice President Biden stated that it won’t be much longer before you can you’ll be able to leave your elderly parents by the curb and they’ll be well taken care of by Obamacare.

Surprise Move by IOC to Punish Syria by Naming Damascus as site of 2020 Olympics

Satirical News Service
Geneva, Switzerland

In a move that took everyone by surprise the International Olympic Planning Committee bypassed Tokyo, Madrid and Istanbul – the leading contenders for the 2020 Olympics- and instead appointed Damascus to host it. The IOC head stated “We hope this sends a message to Assad that when you gas your own people you are going to pay a stiff price.” Now Damascus will have to spend millions of dollars that it could have spent on weapons to host the International games. It will have to use its troops that could be fighting rebels to keep close watch on the thousands of athletes including ones from Israel. It will also have to spend time and money on building stadiums and other venues which could bankrupt the country.The IOC hopes that this will send a strong message to Assad  and other leaders not to use weapons of mass destruction on his own people, or face the consequences.

APPLE REVEALS A TOTALLY NEW RE-DESIGN FOR THE IPHONE 6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

In a stunning display of brilliance, Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed the new design of the iPhone 6 scheduled to go on sale sometime in the next quarter.  In a packed press conference he showed that Apple has not lost the innovative power that was present when Steve Jobs was at the helm.

The new look is a radical departure from the old flat design. It features more pleasing curved surfaces and an overall larger footprint.  They have replaced the difficult to use touch screen  interface with a pleasing rotary numbered one that give the user a visual, audio and tactile confirmation for the number dialed. In a very radical departure from previous models they have gone away from focusing on "apps" and gone basic to basics of voice calls. To this end, they have completely eliminated the Graphical User Interface (LCD screen) and instead have gone to a completely audio interface. In order for the user to place a call, they have to pick up something called a "receiver" and hold it to their ear, and then proceed to use the rotary interface to "dial" the call.

Excited Apple fans are already lining up at Apple Stores to be the first to obtain this new innovative model, even though a sale date has not been announced.

Tea Party members form armed "Neighborhood Watch" patrols around White House

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Upon hearing President Obama's speech in which he stated "It could have been me" in  response to the Trevor Martin shooting and Zimmerman trial, Tea Party members were diabolically gleeful. Immediately they formed new armed "Neighborhood Watch" committees to patrol around the White House looking
for "dangerous looking" African American males who might happen to be in the Rose Garden. If they should discover one, they would dutifully pursue him and "stand their ground" if they felt threatened.

House Republicans Propose new LDDOMA Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the US Supreme Court today ruled that DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was unconstitutional, House Republicans proposed a new Last Ditch Defense of Marriage Act. This act defines marriage as only between a couple who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and that the Supreme Court can go F$*%* themselves.

"We feel that this act is necessary because certain activist Supreme Court Justices refuse to act as we want them to." stated House Speaker Boehner.

CNN Releases Exclusive Pictures Of The Suspect Caught On Surveillance Video

Satirical News Service
Boston, MA

CNN today released what it claims is exclusive video footage of the prime suspect in the Boston Marathon Bombing.  Stills from the video clearly show what looks like a dark skinned male at the scene of the crime acting suspiciously. CNN is asking anyone with any knowledge of who this individual might be to contact them immediately so that they can claim the exclusive coverage of it. According to CNN news executives “We are quite certain of the exclusivity of this picture. Although authorities have yet to make an arrest, we are quite certain it will follow, and we’ll be there to report on its exclusivity regardless of whether it actually happens or not”.

Republicans Unanimously Come Out In Favor Of Tighter Controls On Pressure Cookers

Figure 1:Proposed ban on High capacity pressure cookers like the one shown here would save many lives

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In response to the horrific bombings in Boston this week the Republican Party united around legislation to tightly restrict the sale and ownership of pressure cookers. Senate leader Mitch McConnell stated, “These things have only one purpose – to kill people!” Since we cannot always ensure that they might not end up in the hands of mad men, we must take every possible measure to protect the public from these weapons of mass destruction. We propose background checks on all individuals purchasing pressure cookers, as well as a 30 day waiting period. We also propose on banning large capacity pressure cookers since they’re only purpose is to cause massive carnage.”

In other news, a measure to ban large capacity ammunition clips and background checks, was defeated mostly along party lines.  

NRA C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre, in a press statement after the bombing, stated,  “It’s just like I said with guns, The only way to stop a bad guy with a bomb is to have a good guy with a bomb nearby to stop him!”. The NRA is proposing extending Second Amendment rights to include private ownership of unmanned missile armed drones.

Aerospace Defense Lobbying Firm HireS Kim Jong Un

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

Today an the leading Aerospace Defense Lobbying firm, who asked that their name be withheld, has agreed to hire North Korea's enigmatic leader Kim Jong Un to their lobbying firm. According to their spokesperson, "Mr. Un has done more to promote increased aerospace defense spending and prevent cuts than anyone else we can think of. As long as he threatens, Congress won't our cut funds."

In other news The NRA has come out strongly in support of North Korea's right to bear Nuclear arms.

Crazy People Up In Arms About Limitation On Ability To Purchase Arms

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

With many state legislatures and Congress moving to limit access of guns to mentally disturbed people, a large contingent of them are literally up in arms over what they feel is their Second Amendment Right to bear arms. According to one of their spokespersons, “Just because we are psychotic and have paranoid fantasies of people trying to kill us, and fantasize about going into schools and movie theaters and shooting a lot of people doesn't mean that deep down inside we aren't warm loving people. We should have every right to stockpile arms and massive quantities of ammunition -  In fact because we have paranoid fantasies about people coming to get us, we have all the more need for guns – especially ones that will let us mow down a whole lot of people real real fast without having to stop and reload. “

Kim Jong Un Apologizes for Bullying Behavior

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

Today North Korea’s Leader Kim Jong Un apologized after being caught on video tape with what ESPN called “Bullying Behavior” toward his neighbors and the Western Powers.

In a Press conference shown on North Korean state television,  a very contrite Jong Un  tearfully told ESPN and the world,  "I've let so many people down: my players, my administration, ,my fans, my family, Dennis Rodman. There's no explanation for what's on that film. There's no excuse for it. I was wrong. And I want to tell everybody who's believed in me that I'm deeply sorry for the pain and hardship that I've caused."

Some of the bullying behaviors that were caught on tape showed Kim threatening nuclear annihilation on the US, raining terror upon Western Powers, and verbally abusing leaders of South Korea.

It is uncertain if authorities will now remove Kim because of this incident, but it appears highly unlikely.

Carnival Cruise Line To Start Offering Dry Dock Cruises

Satirical News Service
Mobile AL

After suffering months of disastrous publicity and losses from failed cruises due to fires, mechanical damages, and sickness aboard ship, the Carnival Cruise Line announced that they will offer dry dock cruises. 

According to their spokesperson “These will be aboard our Luxury Cruise Liners, but will never leave their mooring dock. That way if a fire or other disaster strikes, the passengers can simply get off the ship right where they embarked. While we realize that some passengers might miss the ambiance of exotic ports of call, but it’s a heck of a lot better than  having to endure days of drifting nowhere in a smelly ship with spoiled food, clogged toilets and no AC.”

Drone Court Coming to FOX Network TV

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

In an effort to placate Paul Rand and his other critics in Congress and appear to add more transparency to the so called “Kill List”, President Obama has offered to host Drone Court on FOX TV. Drone Court will follow the usual TV court format, but the cases will be against suspected terrorists who are under consideration for being executed by armed unmanned Drone Predators.  Since it is highly unlikely that the actual suspects themselves are going to show their face, or even hint as to their whereabouts,  character actors will dress up and impersonate them for television and plead their case. In the unlikely event that they are acquitted, the suspect will be taken off the list and the character playing that suspect will get to act all emotional and prpaise Allah. If not the Judge will inform the real suspect that they are in our sights. The roles of TV prosecutors have not yet been selected, but it is hinted that Dick Cheney has been offered the role, or possibly Condoleezza  Rice.  It is rumored that former TV Judge Wapner will come out of retirement to take the Drone Court Judge role.

New Proposed Test to Weed Out Deranged Individuals From Purchasing Firearms

Facing public efforts to try to make  an effort to screen out potential mentally unstable people from purchasing assault rifles, high capacity ammunition rounds, and multiple handguns,the NRA and the Republicans in Congress have proposed  a simple test to determine if you are indeed deranged and should not own firearms

Please answer the following

  

1.       I believe I have the right to own any type of lethal weapon made without any restrictions in order to prevent tyrannical UN sponsored or liberal One-Worlders from trying  to take away my guns

¨ True                 ¨ False

     
2.   I need to have hundreds of rounds of ammo and extended ammo clips available to me at all time in case those same One-Worlders try to take away my guns

¨ True                 ¨ False

3.  When Someone is following close behind me at night I think they are ….

¨  a. A gun hating liberal
¨  b. A UN One-Worlder bent on taking away my guns
¨  c. A rapist
¨  d. A mugger
¨   e. An illegal immigrant who wants to rob me
¨   f. Just an ordinary citizen
¨  g. All but f

4. When I see school children playing I think

¨ a .They are secret UN One-Worlder storm troopers bent on taking away my guns

¨ b .They are all bullies who need to be taught a lesson from me
¨ c . I really hate all kids
¨  d. Just normal kids playing
¨  e. all but d

5. When I look at my spouse/girl /boy friend I think

¨ a. Here is my loving spouse/girl/boy friend
¨ b. That bitch/bastard is gonna get it!

6. I believe that guns don’t kill people – just people who aren't deranged like me kill people, and I’m gonna shoot em first!

¨ True                 ¨ False

Answers: 1. True, 2. True,3.  g, 4.  e, 5. b, 6. True

If you scored the correct responses, then you are not a deranged person, but just an ordinary gun loving American who believes in upholding their Second Amendment Right to bear arms. Go ahead  buy your guns  and good hunting.

Kim Jong Un Elects Himself Pope of North Korea

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, Korea

Not wanting to left out of the festivities, Supreme leader Kim Jong Um elected himself Pope of North Korea today. In a celebratory measure, a cloud of White Radioactive smoke was released over the city announcing to the world that Kim was now Pope of North Korea.  When he was informed that in order to be Pope he had to also become Catholic, Kim replied, “I thought I only needed to be infallible.”

Many North Koreans were saddened  to hear the news that he could not be Pope. They were looking forward to having communion wafers on Sunday which would be the biggest meal of the week for many North Koreans.

In other news the Pope announced that in his first week in office he would demand mandatory school prayers, end to all forms of abortion and contraception, drastically cut programs to poor and elderly,  cut taxes for the wealthy, and balance the budget by 2028….Oops, sorry, that wasn't  the Pope, that was Paul Ryan.

Vatican Watchers Mystified by Strangely Colored Smoke

Satirical News Service
Vatican City, IT

Watchers at  St. Peter's Square today were mystified to see strangely colored "rainbow" smoke coming from the chimney where the conclave is set to elect a new Pope. Some watchers feel this may signal a new direction for whom the church selects as Pope.

North Korea Hot Line Message

After repeated attempts to reach North Korea on the Hot Line, sources in the West reported to have received this recorded message.

"Hello you running dog lackeys of imperial western powers bent on destroying North Korea. Thank you for calling on our hot line. Your call is very important to us. Due the high volume of calls we are currently receiving from Western powers pleading for a nuclear disarmament agreement we are unable to take your call right now. If you would like to state your most recent demands for nuclear disarmament or whatever threats or sanctions you think will dissuade us from our path of nuclear domination, you may do so at the beep. Otherwise Goodbye and prepare to meet Armageddon you running dog lackeys of imperial western powers bent on destroying North Korea. Oh and if this is Dennis Rodman, you can call me on my private cell phone 12-345-68124567."

Pope Emerges from Balcony and See’s His Shadow Indicating only 6 more weeks of Papacy.

Satirical News Service
Vatican City, Rome, Italy

After emerging from his Papal Balcony on Feb 11^th, the Pope saw his shadow indicating to the Catholic church that there was going to be only 6 more weeks or less of Popedom for Benedict IX, so he called it quits.

Instead of the usual routine of the College of Cardinals selecting a new Pope in secret, the Vatican is trying a new move that they say is keeping up with the efforts to modernize the catholic church. For the next pope, Cardinals with appear on a new reality show on FOX TV network called “So you think you can Pray” A Panel of judges from FOX TV will select the winner who will become the new Pope.

Photos Released of President Obama Shooting Skeet

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After President Obama announced in a statement that he "likes to skeet shoot at Camp David", pundits at FOX news demanded that he release photos of him actually doing so. Today the White House released these photos of just that.

Man Robs Bank Armed with a Hammer – NRA is Ecstatic!

Satirical News Service
Baltimore, MD

A man, armed only with a hammer, held up a suburban Maryland bank yesterday making off with about $7,000. The teller involved didn't quite know what to make of the heist, but handed over the money anyway. No one was injured in the robbery, and the suspect was later apprehended. The NRA’s reaction to this robbery was one of ecstasy! “See! We TOLD you so!” The NRA has long proclaimed that “if criminals could not get guns they’d use a hammer instead”. As it was, the suspect in question could not purchase a handgun because he failed the background check. The NRA immediately called for Federal legislation on all hammers, and demanded background checks on all individuals prior to their purchase.

Gun Ownership Conclusively linked to Male Impotence and Penile Necrosis

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The CDC announced today startling new findings that conclusively link handling of guns to a very severe form of male impotence and penile necrosis.  In this form of impotence, Viagra and Cialis are completely ineffective. As exposure to guns increases, “the pecker literally withers up and falls off”.  It appears to be something in the makeup of the gun metal that causes a chemical reaction with male testosterone. The more powerful and bigger the gun, the greater the risk. Gun owners are urged to immediately dispose of their firearms, or at minimum avoid any contact with them. The military and police forces who must carry firearms will be issued special gloves to prevent exposure. Since these gloves are not covered under the Second Amendment Rights, they are only available to Armed Forces and Licensed Police Officers. Anyone else in possession of them can be faced with fines or imprisonment.

Kim Jong-un, Passes Historic Second Amendment Affirming Right To Bear Nuclear Arms Aimed At US

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a dramatic effort to show that North Korea is looking to adopt more Western Ways, Kim Jong-un announced today that North Korea has passed a Second Amendment to their non-existent Bill of Rights that affirms their country’s “Right to Keep and Bear Nuclear Arms aimed at the USA”. In a press conference he stated that “North Korea wants to be like the US in affirming their rights to bear arms. ”We stand in solidarity with the NRA and gun groups that refuse to let the US government take them away."

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Iranians Show Solidarity with US Gun Appreciation Day with their own Nuclear Weapons Appreciation Day

Satirical News Service
Tehran, Iran

In an effort to show solidarity with gun loving Americans, there was a mass demonstration today in Tehran Square for Nuclear Weapons Appreciation Day. Thousands showed up at the rally with signs like “We uphold everyone’s Second Amendment right to bear nuclear arms!” and “If they want to take my Atom bomb away, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands”,

According to one Iranian demonstrator, “We are in complete solidarity with the American Second Amendment Rights advocates, first they want to take away our nuclear weapons, and before you know it they will want to take away our AK-47’s. If they take nuclear weapons away from freedom loving law abiding countries like Iran, then only outlaw states (like Israel) will have Nuclear Bombs”.

Lance Armstrong Admits To Having Imaginary Girl Friend

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a stunning admission on Oprah, Lance Armstrong confessed that he had an imaginary girlfriend, and it was because of her, that he started doping. In a tearful interview, he said his imaginary girlfriend helped him to get through the cancer treatments and encouraged him to start competitive cycling again, but then she dumped him for Manto Te’o. That’s when he became depressed and that started doping.

Mandatory Gun Modifications Ordered by President Obama

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Acting under the authority of the Consumer Protection Act, President Obama, in his first executive order of his new term of President, has ordered the following changes to the design of assault rifles. Taking literally from the NRA recommendations to   “let a shooter shoot the shooter”, the President has mandated the following design changes to be made to all assault rifles.

In his press conference statement, the President said “In the interest of promoting better gun safety, and since it is not always possible to know who is the bad guy or who is the good guy, we feel that mandating certain design changes specifically to assault rifles will go a long way toward solving this problem without violating Gun Owners’ Second Amendment Rights.” 

All gun owners possessing assault rifles must make these modifications within 30 days or face arrest, and all assault style weapons manufactured from this day forward must incorporate the above design change.

A Letter Your will Soon Be Getting From Your Local School Board

Dear Parent:

               

               This letter is to inform you of some recent changes to your child’s school year. Due the need to keep armed guards in all the classrooms and supply them with arms and training, as well as need for high security metal detectors at every entrance, and bullet proof glass doors and windows, and Kevlar vests for all of our teachers, we have had to make the following budget changes.

               From this day forward, we will have only one day of school per week held in a single classroom with one teacher. We will no longer be offering any sports or extra-curricular activities due to the need for additional security measures in open areas. The school day will last from 10:00 am till 12:30 pm. Please plan on bringing your child at least 2 hours early so that they have time tp go through a thorough security screening and if necessary body search. Please be sure to pick you child up within thirty minutes of the end of the school day, as those students left will have to be bused to a secure location where their collective security can be provided.

                If you feel that these changes are unacceptable, you are welcome to send your child to private schools for $25,000 a pop, or home school them since these new requirements only apply to public schools whose budgets are already over-stretched.

             While regret the necessity of these changes it is the only way we can ensure your child’s safety while some stupid Second Amendment Gun loving M____F____ can stay happy and keep his assault rifles, Glock 45’s and extended ammo clips.

Sincerely Yours,

                

              Your Local School Board Director

NRA Proposes “Kid -Gun Exchange” Program

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Showing ever increasing reasonableness on proposing new solutions to solving gun violence especially in school aged children, the NRA magnanimously has offered a “Kid-Gun Exchange” program. This program encourages parents of school aged kids to exchange them for anything from a Glock 45 to a fully equipped M4 Assault rifle with 100 round extended ammunition clip.

According to one NRA spokesperson. “We feel this is a great way to keep those kids off the street and keeping them from getting their hands on dangerous things like bicycles and high capacity squirt guns”. It will also help to reduce the number of kids that a potentially deranged gunman could kill in say a school or Mall shooting”.

For a 3-5 year old, the NRA will offer a Glock 45
For a 6-9 year old an AK-47 semi-automatic
For a child 9-16 they would be eligible to receive an M4 semi-automatic with 100 round extended ammo clip with armor piercing bullets.

NRA Proposes 30 Day Waiting Period Before Attending School, Going To Shopping Malls Or Movies

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Today NRA president met with VP Joe Bidden to try to find a path to curbing gun violence that is epidemic now in America. NRA president David Keene proposed mandatory 30 day waiting periods for anyone wanting to attend school, go to a shopping mall or movie theater, in order to perform  thorough background checks.  We cannot know every reason a crazed killer might have for blowing away individuals who are attending schools or movies or malls, so every effort must be made to determine if there is anything about a person that might upset someone going there loaded with several semi-automatic assault rifles with extended ammo clips and grenade launchers. While it may be inconvenient, it is the only way we can insure that people’s legitimate Second Amendment  Rights  are not infringed upon.  It is difficult to always determine if someone is legitimately crazy, or a just a perfectly normal gun loving person who thinks that they need to carry multiple assault rifles with 10,000 rounds of armor piercing ammunition to defend against the very real threat of UN black ops helicopters, and Liberals who might want to take away our Constitutional Rights and guns. So we have to err on side of upholding their Second Amendment Rights.

AIG Plans to Sue Itself

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Only one day after announcing that it would sue the US government for bailing them out of the financial crisis, AIG today announced that it would sue itself for the reckless manner in which it invested leading up to the financial crisis, and the crap it pulled after the US government bailed them out. According to AIG CEO Maurice Greenberg, “We acted in such a reckless manner causing everyone, including me, a lot of grief. We need to hold ourselves responsible for these actions and the only way I know how to do this it to sue ourselves. We plan to ask for severe punitive damages to serve as a lesson to ourselves never to indulge in this kind of greedy reckless behavior again. I also plan to also name myself as plaintiff and defendant in this suit so that I can be made to answer publicly in open court to all the crap that I let go on in my company”.

New Military Branches Comprised of Seniors

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With hard core Republicans fuming over having to concede some tax increases, they have set their new sights on drastically changing entitlement programs such as Medicare and Social Security while greatly increasing Defense spending. One such proposal would raise the eligibility of Social Security and Medicare to age 75. To counter this, the AARP has deployed a new strategy.  Knowing full well that the three things that any Congressman would be loath to cut the funding for are the Military, Anti-Terrorism, and Programs for Seniors, they propose to raise the military age for eligibility to 75, and create four new “special forces” in the military for just people over the age of 65.

SEAL Team 65 – This would consist of special teams of Seniors who would watch over pools ready to pounce on any suspected Al Qaeda terrorist who might lurk in the deep end.

The Gray Berets -   A special branch of the Army whose mission is so secret, we can’t even mention it.

The Beach Guard – These would be a special branch of the Coast Guard consisting of mobile teams of Seniors equipped with camouflage beach chairs and umbrellas, and special “day-seeing” goggles. They would watch over our beaches to defend against landing crafts or surf boards loaded with terrorists.

Discount Airfare Force  – An elite cadre of seniors who would ride our commercial airplanes between the Midwest and the Sun Belt watching out for other senior citizen terrorists who might be hiding explosives in their Depends, or who might want to ignite highly flammable gaseous farts on an airplane.

The physical requirements for these troops would be lowered to only needing to walk 300 feet with or without an assisted device.  Many would be deployed in special combat scooters or walking devices. They would also be eligible for full medical coverage from the VA as well as Military Pensions when they retire at age 75 or older. According to one AARP spokesperson, “Just let them try to cut finding for this!”

Congress Announces Plans for 2013 after Averting Fiscal Cliff

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Congress, having now apparently averted the Fiscal Cliff at the last possible second, announced its plans for the coming year. It consisted of the following

1.       Create a fiscal sink hole

2.       Create a fiscal culvert

3.       Create a fiscal Tsunami

4.       Create a fiscal Hurricane

5.       Create a fiscal Nightmare

6.       Create a fiscal Tornado

7.       Create a fiscal Earthquake

8.       Create a fiscal Armageddon

According to Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner , “Creating these unnecessary catastrophes will require the full attention of both the House and Senate for the next year. We certainly will not have any time left over to actually try to solve any of these, or do anything else this year.”