Man Robs Bank Armed with a Hammer – NRA is Ecstatic!

Satirical News Service
Baltimore, MD

A man, armed only with a hammer, held up a suburban Maryland bank yesterday making off with about $7,000. The teller involved didn't quite know what to make of the heist, but handed over the money anyway. No one was injured in the robbery, and the suspect was later apprehended. The NRA’s reaction to this robbery was one of ecstasy! “See! We TOLD you so!” The NRA has long proclaimed that “if criminals could not get guns they’d use a hammer instead”. As it was, the suspect in question could not purchase a handgun because he failed the background check. The NRA immediately called for Federal legislation on all hammers, and demanded background checks on all individuals prior to their purchase.

Gun Ownership Conclusively linked to Male Impotence and Penile Necrosis

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The CDC announced today startling new findings that conclusively link handling of guns to a very severe form of male impotence and penile necrosis.  In this form of impotence, Viagra and Cialis are completely ineffective. As exposure to guns increases, “the pecker literally withers up and falls off”.  It appears to be something in the makeup of the gun metal that causes a chemical reaction with male testosterone. The more powerful and bigger the gun, the greater the risk. Gun owners are urged to immediately dispose of their firearms, or at minimum avoid any contact with them. The military and police forces who must carry firearms will be issued special gloves to prevent exposure. Since these gloves are not covered under the Second Amendment Rights, they are only available to Armed Forces and Licensed Police Officers. Anyone else in possession of them can be faced with fines or imprisonment.

Kim Jong-un, Passes Historic Second Amendment Affirming Right To Bear Nuclear Arms Aimed At US

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a dramatic effort to show that North Korea is looking to adopt more Western Ways, Kim Jong-un announced today that North Korea has passed a Second Amendment to their non-existent Bill of Rights that affirms their country’s “Right to Keep and Bear Nuclear Arms aimed at the USA”. In a press conference he stated that “North Korea wants to be like the US in affirming their rights to bear arms. ”We stand in solidarity with the NRA and gun groups that refuse to let the US government take them away."

.

Iranians Show Solidarity with US Gun Appreciation Day with their own Nuclear Weapons Appreciation Day

Satirical News Service
Tehran, Iran

In an effort to show solidarity with gun loving Americans, there was a mass demonstration today in Tehran Square for Nuclear Weapons Appreciation Day. Thousands showed up at the rally with signs like “We uphold everyone’s Second Amendment right to bear nuclear arms!” and “If they want to take my Atom bomb away, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands”,

According to one Iranian demonstrator, “We are in complete solidarity with the American Second Amendment Rights advocates, first they want to take away our nuclear weapons, and before you know it they will want to take away our AK-47’s. If they take nuclear weapons away from freedom loving law abiding countries like Iran, then only outlaw states (like Israel) will have Nuclear Bombs”.

Lance Armstrong Admits To Having Imaginary Girl Friend

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a stunning admission on Oprah, Lance Armstrong confessed that he had an imaginary girlfriend, and it was because of her, that he started doping. In a tearful interview, he said his imaginary girlfriend helped him to get through the cancer treatments and encouraged him to start competitive cycling again, but then she dumped him for Manto Te’o. That’s when he became depressed and that started doping.

Mandatory Gun Modifications Ordered by President Obama

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Acting under the authority of the Consumer Protection Act, President Obama, in his first executive order of his new term of President, has ordered the following changes to the design of assault rifles. Taking literally from the NRA recommendations to   “let a shooter shoot the shooter”, the President has mandated the following design changes to be made to all assault rifles.

In his press conference statement, the President said “In the interest of promoting better gun safety, and since it is not always possible to know who is the bad guy or who is the good guy, we feel that mandating certain design changes specifically to assault rifles will go a long way toward solving this problem without violating Gun Owners’ Second Amendment Rights.” 

All gun owners possessing assault rifles must make these modifications within 30 days or face arrest, and all assault style weapons manufactured from this day forward must incorporate the above design change.

A Letter Your will Soon Be Getting From Your Local School Board

Dear Parent:

               

               This letter is to inform you of some recent changes to your child’s school year. Due the need to keep armed guards in all the classrooms and supply them with arms and training, as well as need for high security metal detectors at every entrance, and bullet proof glass doors and windows, and Kevlar vests for all of our teachers, we have had to make the following budget changes.

               From this day forward, we will have only one day of school per week held in a single classroom with one teacher. We will no longer be offering any sports or extra-curricular activities due to the need for additional security measures in open areas. The school day will last from 10:00 am till 12:30 pm. Please plan on bringing your child at least 2 hours early so that they have time tp go through a thorough security screening and if necessary body search. Please be sure to pick you child up within thirty minutes of the end of the school day, as those students left will have to be bused to a secure location where their collective security can be provided.

                If you feel that these changes are unacceptable, you are welcome to send your child to private schools for $25,000 a pop, or home school them since these new requirements only apply to public schools whose budgets are already over-stretched.

             While regret the necessity of these changes it is the only way we can ensure your child’s safety while some stupid Second Amendment Gun loving M____F____ can stay happy and keep his assault rifles, Glock 45’s and extended ammo clips.

Sincerely Yours,

                

              Your Local School Board Director

NRA Proposes “Kid -Gun Exchange” Program

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Showing ever increasing reasonableness on proposing new solutions to solving gun violence especially in school aged children, the NRA magnanimously has offered a “Kid-Gun Exchange” program. This program encourages parents of school aged kids to exchange them for anything from a Glock 45 to a fully equipped M4 Assault rifle with 100 round extended ammunition clip.

According to one NRA spokesperson. “We feel this is a great way to keep those kids off the street and keeping them from getting their hands on dangerous things like bicycles and high capacity squirt guns”. It will also help to reduce the number of kids that a potentially deranged gunman could kill in say a school or Mall shooting”.

For a 3-5 year old, the NRA will offer a Glock 45
For a 6-9 year old an AK-47 semi-automatic
For a child 9-16 they would be eligible to receive an M4 semi-automatic with 100 round extended ammo clip with armor piercing bullets.

NRA Proposes 30 Day Waiting Period Before Attending School, Going To Shopping Malls Or Movies

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Today NRA president met with VP Joe Bidden to try to find a path to curbing gun violence that is epidemic now in America. NRA president David Keene proposed mandatory 30 day waiting periods for anyone wanting to attend school, go to a shopping mall or movie theater, in order to perform  thorough background checks.  We cannot know every reason a crazed killer might have for blowing away individuals who are attending schools or movies or malls, so every effort must be made to determine if there is anything about a person that might upset someone going there loaded with several semi-automatic assault rifles with extended ammo clips and grenade launchers. While it may be inconvenient, it is the only way we can insure that people’s legitimate Second Amendment  Rights  are not infringed upon.  It is difficult to always determine if someone is legitimately crazy, or a just a perfectly normal gun loving person who thinks that they need to carry multiple assault rifles with 10,000 rounds of armor piercing ammunition to defend against the very real threat of UN black ops helicopters, and Liberals who might want to take away our Constitutional Rights and guns. So we have to err on side of upholding their Second Amendment Rights.

AIG Plans to Sue Itself

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Only one day after announcing that it would sue the US government for bailing them out of the financial crisis, AIG today announced that it would sue itself for the reckless manner in which it invested leading up to the financial crisis, and the crap it pulled after the US government bailed them out. According to AIG CEO Maurice Greenberg, “We acted in such a reckless manner causing everyone, including me, a lot of grief. We need to hold ourselves responsible for these actions and the only way I know how to do this it to sue ourselves. We plan to ask for severe punitive damages to serve as a lesson to ourselves never to indulge in this kind of greedy reckless behavior again. I also plan to also name myself as plaintiff and defendant in this suit so that I can be made to answer publicly in open court to all the crap that I let go on in my company”.

New Military Branches Comprised of Seniors

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With hard core Republicans fuming over having to concede some tax increases, they have set their new sights on drastically changing entitlement programs such as Medicare and Social Security while greatly increasing Defense spending. One such proposal would raise the eligibility of Social Security and Medicare to age 75. To counter this, the AARP has deployed a new strategy.  Knowing full well that the three things that any Congressman would be loath to cut the funding for are the Military, Anti-Terrorism, and Programs for Seniors, they propose to raise the military age for eligibility to 75, and create four new “special forces” in the military for just people over the age of 65.

SEAL Team 65 – This would consist of special teams of Seniors who would watch over pools ready to pounce on any suspected Al Qaeda terrorist who might lurk in the deep end.

The Gray Berets -   A special branch of the Army whose mission is so secret, we can’t even mention it.

The Beach Guard – These would be a special branch of the Coast Guard consisting of mobile teams of Seniors equipped with camouflage beach chairs and umbrellas, and special “day-seeing” goggles. They would watch over our beaches to defend against landing crafts or surf boards loaded with terrorists.

Discount Airfare Force  – An elite cadre of seniors who would ride our commercial airplanes between the Midwest and the Sun Belt watching out for other senior citizen terrorists who might be hiding explosives in their Depends, or who might want to ignite highly flammable gaseous farts on an airplane.

The physical requirements for these troops would be lowered to only needing to walk 300 feet with or without an assisted device.  Many would be deployed in special combat scooters or walking devices. They would also be eligible for full medical coverage from the VA as well as Military Pensions when they retire at age 75 or older. According to one AARP spokesperson, “Just let them try to cut finding for this!”

Congress Announces Plans for 2013 after Averting Fiscal Cliff

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Congress, having now apparently averted the Fiscal Cliff at the last possible second, announced its plans for the coming year. It consisted of the following

1.       Create a fiscal sink hole

2.       Create a fiscal culvert

3.       Create a fiscal Tsunami

4.       Create a fiscal Hurricane

5.       Create a fiscal Nightmare

6.       Create a fiscal Tornado

7.       Create a fiscal Earthquake

8.       Create a fiscal Armageddon

According to Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner , “Creating these unnecessary catastrophes will require the full attention of both the House and Senate for the next year. We certainly will not have any time left over to actually try to solve any of these, or do anything else this year.”