Mitt Romney Chosen as Flag Bearer for Cayman Islands in Olympic Opening Ceremony

Satirical News Service
London

In an Olympic Surprise, George Romney was made a last minute replacement for the Cayman Islands flag bearer during the opening Ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London, England. According to sources in the Cayman Island’s Olympic committee, “We felt that Mitt has contributed so much to our economy here in the Cayman Islands that he should get the honor of carrying our flag. Without all his money here our economy would probably be as bad as it  is in the USA“. President Obama was asked to carry the Kenyan Flag, but he stated that he’d have to wait till after the next election.

Romney to Netanyahu – “ Some of my best friends are Jews”

Satirical News Service
Jerusalem, Israel

In an effort to show his skills at international relations, and to gain favor from the largely liberal Jewish community in the US, Mitt Romney made a visit to Israel. There he met with Prime Minister Netanyahu  and told the prime minister that “he knew some Jews in the US, and they seemed like decent people.”  He said “he really likes Jewish food, and he once was involved with a Jew in a business deal who really Jewed him down in the price of the deal- ha, ha!” He stated he hoped that the US and Israel could continue their long standing friendship since “both countries share the great Christian values that made us great.”  There was no comment from Prime Minister Netanyahu.

US HOUSE PROPOSES 30 DAY WAITING PERIOD TO PURCHASE MOVIE TICKETS; MANDATORY PRAYERS BEFORE START OF PICTURE

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In the wake of yet another tragic mass shooting in Aurora, Colorado, an outraged Congress proposed a 30 day waiting period to purchase movie tickets, and mandatory prayer sessions before the start of a film. House Speaker John Boehner was quoted  “We need these important bills to prevent senseless tragedies from occurring again.”

 In another house vote, a bill that would outlaw extended ammunition clips and assault rifles like the ones used in last night’s shooting was defeated mostly along party lines.

President Romney Now Admits He Wasn’t at the Helm of the US These Past 3 Years

Satirical News Service
January 2017
Washington DC

With the country now in its third year of a worsening great recession and unemployment now at 18% Romney now admits that he really wasn’t running the country these past three years. In 2012 Mitt Romney was declared the winner of the 2012 election due to a highly controversial ruling by Florida’s board of election that gave him an electoral edge. But today Romney today admitted that he really was President of the United States in name only, having taken a leave of absence to become president of Greece within a month of being elected US president. According to Romney’s press secretary, Mitt Romney was in Greece beginning in February 2013, and left all decision making to Bob Perry. Romney flat out denied any involvement in the massive tax cuts to the wealthy and benefit cuts to Medicare, Social Security, and other Federal Programs that led to this latest economic catastrophe. He stated he was much too busy running the affairs of Greece to get involved in those issues. While his stated occupation on his 2013-2017 tax returns was listed as President of the United State, he claimed he was nowhere near the place these past three years.

Kim Jong-un Praised as “Jobs Creator”

Satrical News Service
North Korea

Despite North Korea's real GDP (adjusted for inflation) in 2011 of  0.8%, Kim Jong-un is hailed as a “jobs creator”. According to North Korean sources, “Our great leader has been able to create full employment without raising taxes, cutting taxes, or for that matter any taxes at all. In North Korea, we have a workers paradise, where workers are willing to work 16 hour days for peanuts – literally, they are paid in peanuts-- which they are happy to get! We don’t have any out-sourcing of jobs, since we are “out” about as far as you can get! American presidents should take a lesson from our Workers Utopia as see how easy it is to create lots of jobs without raising taxes.”

A Revised "What Would a Mitt Romney Presidency Be Like" Political Ad

God Particle Makes Stunning Revelation “I’m Gay”

Satirical News Service
Geneva

 Less than a week after scientists at Cern Laboratory in Geneva confirmed the existence of the particle they deemed the “God Particle”, the elusive particle came forward today and announced that it was Gay! In an exclusive interview with Satirical News Service, the GOD particle said, “I guess I’ve always been attracted to particles of the same charge. I’ve always liked putting on showy colorful patterns when colliding with other like charged bosons. For years I’ve tried to be very discreet about it but I guess it’s time now to come out of the ‘universe ‘s closet’ so-to-speak.”

                Pat Robertson immediately came forward and announced that his church would start funding scientific research to find a GOD particle that was NOT Gay! The Vatican also announced that their doctrine remains committed to recognizing only collisions between a positively charged boson and a negatively charged boson. Meanwhile the Iranians have announced that their centrifuges are not trying to make weapons grade plutonium, but instead are involved in scientific research to find the existence of the “Allah Particle”.