BP to try Bottom Shot if Top Shot Fails

Satirical News Service
New Orleans, LA



If tomorrow's attempt of a "Top Shot" to stop the undersea oil leak fails, scientists at British Petroleum are considering trying a "Bottom Shot". A "Bottom Shot" consists of first lowering a toilet over the well head. Once secured, a deep sea diver descends and basically sits on it and takes a big dump, which hopefully will stop the leak. As one un-named BP official stated, "finding people who are full of crap around here is no problem".

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Hey all you out of work fisherman, shrimpers and resort owners on the Gulf. Don’t despair just because your livelihood has been ruined by endless gobs of oil leaking from the broken BP oil well. Here is your chance to cash in and make big bucks.




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BP Now Says their Oil Spill is Payback for Taxes on Oil (ala Boston tea Party)

Satirical News Service
New Orleans

In a strange news conference yesterday, British Petroleum announced today that the Oil Spill, that remains 90% uncontorlled, is just their way of protesting higher taxes on oil much as the Boston tea Party was the Colonialists' way of protesting taxation on Tea.
Apparently they are trying to capitalize on the growing popularity of the Tea Party Movement in a bid to win sympathy and prevent the federal government from enacting more stringent regulations.
At the conference BP announced that they will continue dumping oil in protest until the US government repeals all taxes on it.
Good luck with that one!

Material for "Junk Fix" to BP Oil Pipeline Leak Revealed

Satirical News Service

New Orleans

BP officials have revealed for the first time the material they plan to pump into the leaking pipeline to stop the leak. After considering golf balls and old tires, they found that they were insufficiently "trashy" enough to do the job. This is what they finally decided would work.

Leaking Oil Spill Before "Junk" Applied

Leaking Oil Spill After "Junk" applied.

New Solutions to Fix the BP Oil Spill

Satrical News Service

New Orelans, LA

After the latest attempt to stop the BP oil spill failed after using a 4 story “hat” to cap off the deep well head, engineers are looking into new “hat” designs that might work. Here are a few candidates for re-designed "hat's".

This is the model that has been suggested by Tea Party Groups

This is the design that has been suggested by Consumer Groups and Environmentalists


This design is favored by Wall Street

This is the design that was recommended by the Engineering community

This design is favored by the Texas Oil Rig Workers


This design is the one most favored by the general public

New Recipes for Gulf Seafood BP style

New Recipes for Gulf Seafood

As they say, “If life gives you lemons, make Lemonade!” Chefs in Louisiana, now faced with their sources of fresh seafood becoming contaminated with crude oil from the massive BP platform spill, are coming up with new variations on seafood recipes.

Oysters Hayward (CEO of BP)

This is a variation on Oysters Rockefeller. Take 6 oysters (shucked). Place them on a small raised dish sitting in a larger dish filled with sea or salt. Fill the smaller dish with light crude oil and ignite to cook the oysters. The burning crude will mask the oily taste of the oysters and impart their own unique flavor. The cooked oysters can them be dipped in the oil tainted salt water to give them their unique BP flavor.

Blackened Red Fish (BP style)

Take 1 Red fish or Beam. Place in dish filled with oil tainted sea water and ignite. Serve when thoroughly blackened.

Shrimp BP style

Cook and shuck gulf shrimp recently caught in tainted waters off Louisiana. Let cook and peel. Serve with a dipping sauce of light sweet crude oil.

Bon Appetite!