Drone Court Coming to FOX Network TV

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

In an effort to placate Paul Rand and his other critics in Congress and appear to add more transparency to the so called “Kill List”, President Obama has offered to host Drone Court on FOX TV. Drone Court will follow the usual TV court format, but the cases will be against suspected terrorists who are under consideration for being executed by armed unmanned Drone Predators.  Since it is highly unlikely that the actual suspects themselves are going to show their face, or even hint as to their whereabouts,  character actors will dress up and impersonate them for television and plead their case. In the unlikely event that they are acquitted, the suspect will be taken off the list and the character playing that suspect will get to act all emotional and prpaise Allah. If not the Judge will inform the real suspect that they are in our sights. The roles of TV prosecutors have not yet been selected, but it is hinted that Dick Cheney has been offered the role, or possibly Condoleezza  Rice.  It is rumored that former TV Judge Wapner will come out of retirement to take the Drone Court Judge role.

New Proposed Test to Weed Out Deranged Individuals From Purchasing Firearms

Facing public efforts to try to make  an effort to screen out potential mentally unstable people from purchasing assault rifles, high capacity ammunition rounds, and multiple handguns,the NRA and the Republicans in Congress have proposed  a simple test to determine if you are indeed deranged and should not own firearms

Please answer the following

  

1.       I believe I have the right to own any type of lethal weapon made without any restrictions in order to prevent tyrannical UN sponsored or liberal One-Worlders from trying  to take away my guns

¨ True                 ¨ False

     
2.   I need to have hundreds of rounds of ammo and extended ammo clips available to me at all time in case those same One-Worlders try to take away my guns

¨ True                 ¨ False

3.  When Someone is following close behind me at night I think they are ….

¨  a. A gun hating liberal
¨  b. A UN One-Worlder bent on taking away my guns
¨  c. A rapist
¨  d. A mugger
¨   e. An illegal immigrant who wants to rob me
¨   f. Just an ordinary citizen
¨  g. All but f

4. When I see school children playing I think

¨ a .They are secret UN One-Worlder storm troopers bent on taking away my guns

¨ b .They are all bullies who need to be taught a lesson from me
¨ c . I really hate all kids
¨  d. Just normal kids playing
¨  e. all but d

5. When I look at my spouse/girl /boy friend I think

¨ a. Here is my loving spouse/girl/boy friend
¨ b. That bitch/bastard is gonna get it!

6. I believe that guns don’t kill people – just people who aren't deranged like me kill people, and I’m gonna shoot em first!

¨ True                 ¨ False

Answers: 1. True, 2. True,3.  g, 4.  e, 5. b, 6. True

If you scored the correct responses, then you are not a deranged person, but just an ordinary gun loving American who believes in upholding their Second Amendment Right to bear arms. Go ahead  buy your guns  and good hunting.

Kim Jong Un Elects Himself Pope of North Korea

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, Korea

Not wanting to left out of the festivities, Supreme leader Kim Jong Um elected himself Pope of North Korea today. In a celebratory measure, a cloud of White Radioactive smoke was released over the city announcing to the world that Kim was now Pope of North Korea.  When he was informed that in order to be Pope he had to also become Catholic, Kim replied, “I thought I only needed to be infallible.”

Many North Koreans were saddened  to hear the news that he could not be Pope. They were looking forward to having communion wafers on Sunday which would be the biggest meal of the week for many North Koreans.

In other news the Pope announced that in his first week in office he would demand mandatory school prayers, end to all forms of abortion and contraception, drastically cut programs to poor and elderly,  cut taxes for the wealthy, and balance the budget by 2028….Oops, sorry, that wasn't  the Pope, that was Paul Ryan.

Vatican Watchers Mystified by Strangely Colored Smoke

Satirical News Service
Vatican City, IT

Watchers at  St. Peter's Square today were mystified to see strangely colored "rainbow" smoke coming from the chimney where the conclave is set to elect a new Pope. Some watchers feel this may signal a new direction for whom the church selects as Pope.

North Korea Hot Line Message

After repeated attempts to reach North Korea on the Hot Line, sources in the West reported to have received this recorded message.

"Hello you running dog lackeys of imperial western powers bent on destroying North Korea. Thank you for calling on our hot line. Your call is very important to us. Due the high volume of calls we are currently receiving from Western powers pleading for a nuclear disarmament agreement we are unable to take your call right now. If you would like to state your most recent demands for nuclear disarmament or whatever threats or sanctions you think will dissuade us from our path of nuclear domination, you may do so at the beep. Otherwise Goodbye and prepare to meet Armageddon you running dog lackeys of imperial western powers bent on destroying North Korea. Oh and if this is Dennis Rodman, you can call me on my private cell phone 12-345-68124567."