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FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

BP Officials Announce Containment Of Money Outflow Due To Leaking Oil Well

Satirical News service
New Orleans, LA


Today officials at BP announced that they are finally making progress on containing the outflow of money in the form of payouts and compensations caused by the leaking oil well in the Gulf.

“We’re using a form of containment dome that gradually reduces the flow of money coming out of the escrow fund and BP’s profits. While some money inevitably will flow out in the form of compensation for lost income to fisherman, resort owners, and wildlife rescuers, we’ve manage to cut this flow to nearly a third.”

Officials at BP went on to state that final containment of the flow of money out of the company isn’t expected to happen until November when a relief hose can be placed into upcoming congressional campaign coffers. Once this happens, the plan is to pump a large amount of heavy mud in the congressional elections to eventually seal any chances that BP will actually have to pay for the full extent of the damages caused by the leaking oil well.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Obama Works on His Angry Response to the Gulf Oil Spill (satire)

Aide: Mr. President, the polls are really hammering us for not showing enough anger over this Gulf Oil Spill thing. Even Sarah Palin, as muddled as she is, at least comes off showing righteous indignation . We’ve assembled some film and TV clips for you to watch to and maybe use them to show the public how angry you are.
Okay here’s the first clip. It’s of Ralph Cramdon from the Honeymooners

Cramdon: (eyes flaring): "I tell ya Alice one of these days – To the Moon!”

Aide: You could say “I tell ya Tony – one of these days – To the Moon!”

Obama: Wouldn’t the public think I’m going to send Tony Hayward on a Space mission?

Aide: I see your point Mr. President. Lets try this one from the Incredible Hulk

Hulk: "You won’t like me when I’m angry! " (gets huge and green and starts tearing up the lab).

Aide: We think the environmentalist might go for the green look, and we could get the makeup guys to sort of bulk you up. Try the dialog

Obama: (in moderate level voice): You, uh, probably won’t, uh, like me, uh, when I get upset.

Aide: OK, how about this one from Taxi
You talking to me Hayward, you must be talking to me cause I don’t see nobody else here!" (gets out Magnum 45’s and starts blasting).

Obama: I’m not sure I could do the Mohawk hair thing, and the anti-gun folk’s wouldn’t like the blasting with the Magnum’s thing.

Aide: Okay, here’s one we adapted from The Soprano’s.
"Get in the car Tony, it’s time youse and me takes a little ride. Our boys are pretty upset about what youse done to the Gulf, so we wants youse to go down there and fix it youse-self. Would you mind putting your feet into this tub of cement."

Obama: Youse and Me??

Abbott and Costello Visit Arlington National Cemetery

Costello: OK Abbott, there are three grave sites here – Hu is buried in the first grave, NoWan is buried in the second, and Idunno is buried in the third.

Abbott: Then Who is buried in the second?

Costello: No Hu is buried in the first

Abbott: So who is buried in the third?

Castello: Idunno

Well you get the rest……

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Cable TV to Host 24 Hour BP Oil Leak Show

Satirical News Service
New Orleans, LA

With America's growing fascination with the BP Oil Spill. Cable TV networks have picked up on the idea of launching a 24 hour feed of the Oil Spill. Viewers in a Test Audience commented, "It's a lot like watching a lava lamp - you get in rhythm with the swaying column of leaking oil. It's very relaxing". Viewers will be able to tune in 24 hours a day to watch the live feed. Revenue will be generated from moving banner ads that will be displayed at intervals along the bottom of the screen. Viewers will also be able to switch views from the underwater leak to an aerial shot of the the patterns of oil on the surface as it moves across the coastline. Amid concerns that the show might be sort lived if BP manages to contain the spill, a TV executive said "Fat chance of that happening anytime soon."

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

BP to Change Focus to Nuclear Power

Satirical News Service
Baton Rouge, LA

After nearly a month of bad PR, Congressional Inquiries, and still failed efforts to contain the oil leak. BP executives annouced today that they are changing their focus from Oil Exploration, to building managing and Nuclear Power Plants. As one executive put it "We feel we can easily apply the expertise we've gained from the oil business and put it to use in the emerging Nuclear Power industry."

Can you say Worst Nightmare?