Trump Claims Casualties In The Yemen Raid Were Caused Just To Make Him Look Bad

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid growing controversy over the recent raid that killed Senior Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens and uncounted number of civilians, Trump claimed today that these casualties happened just to make him look bad. “We won that! – We won Yugely. It was the most successful raid that we’ve had in the whole war, but leave it to some Generals to cause the death of Senior Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens and claim civilian casualties just to make me look bad.”

Shocked Nation Wakes up to Find Healthcare Suddenly Got Complicated

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A shocked nation woke up today to hear for the first time to the news that healthcare is complicated. Millions of people gathered together in total dismay to try to understand how they could have missed this. To hear the anguish of millions of Americans around the country still reeling in shock over the sudden news is truly sad. Tweets around the country reflected the dismay coming completely without warning that America feels now.

“I thought once we got rid of Obamacare, all those forms and regulations would go away. I’d get anything I want at my local pharmacy just by walking in and asking for it – and the cost would be nothing! I thought that – I was sure of it!“

“I thought that after they repeal Obamacare, we could all just go to any doctor we want and it would cost nothing. No forms, no insurance. Who knew that it wouldn’t be that easy? I ask you who knew?”

“I truly believed that once we let the Insurance companies decide what’s best for us, all the hassles of pre-existing conditions, lifetime coverages, rising drug costs would just go away. Now they tell us it’s more complicated than that. MORE COMPLICATED! Why didn’t they foresee this happening? Why didn’t someone tell us sooner?”

“I still hold firmly to belief that all we need is prayer. It really isn’t complicated at all!”

“The problem is women!” If we just didn’t have to carry the cost of treating them, all our healthcare woes would vanish – that and treating minorities!”

As a devastated nation starts to come to grips with this new reality, they take heart knowing that our president is such a smart businessman that he’ll figure out a way to solve it.

Remember the Alamo – Redeaux

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After giving his speech today in which he stated “America needs to start winning wars again”, sources in the White House report that he wants to re-fight some of the battles we lost, starting with The Alamo. It was hinted that the reason for the recent round-up of undocumented Mexicans is to offer them a choice of either re-fighting the Alamo or be deported to Mexico. The ones that elect to re-fight will be outfitted with Napoleon era uniforms and muskets, while the Texans will be composed of volunteers from local Militia groups’s who will bring their own guns. 

It’s gonna be Yuge tweeted Trump. When you Remember the Alamo this time it’ll be the Texans that win it. It’ll be the greatest battle America ever fought.

It was also reported that the 7^th Fleet has been ordered to sail into Vietnamese waters with a full complement of Marines and heavy armor. It is unclear exactly what their orders are, but source close to Trump said, “It’s high time we settle some old scores!”.

Trump Calls out National Guard at 3:00 am to Fight the “Zombie Invasion” of Washington

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Gen H.R. McMaster received an early baptism into the Trump Administration when he received a 3:00 am call from the President ordering him to call out the National Guard – that “Washington DC was under attack by Zombies”. Trump stated he had just seen it on the News – “Terrible, simply terrible – Zombies all over Washington – Need to call out the guard immediately.”

After bleary eyed aides rushed up to the residency to see just what Trump was talking about, it appeared that instead of turning on FOX news as he usually does, he accidentally hit the DVR and was watching a previously recorded episode of Walking Dead that Ivanka has taped earlier on the DVR. After rescinding the order, Trump repeatedly clung to the belief that it was the News he was watching. “Fake News – All of it just fake news”, he Tweeted. 

Trump Declares Yuge Victory in Sweden

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

Donald Trump has declared a “yuge” victory last night after claiming that the Swedish people have elected him King. From his Florida retreat he tweeted. 

A statement released by the Swedish government stated they were perplexed by this since Sweden does not elect a King.

If George Washington Acted like Donald Trump

If George Washington acted like Donald Trump, here is how I would imagine the cherry tree episode would play……

GWF: Georgie! Come here this instant!

GW: Whaaaat! (Sounding belligerently)

GWF: My favorite cherry tree has been cut down! Do you know who might have done such a loathsome act?

GW: First let me say, that’s an awful tree, ugly tree – really bad dude! Never produced fruit! Make a yuge mess everywhere - Yuge! Leeches off other plants! Terrible tree– shouldn’t even be in the garden! The idea that I might have had anything to do with the so-called chopping down is ridiculous! Its FAKE news perpetrated by my enemies to discredit me!

GWF: Georgie, several of my servants said they saw you run out of the house with a hatchet cursing!

GW: Those are illegal aliens who are saying these things about me simply to discredit me and as a ruse to stay in this country; really bad dudes, most of them rapists and drug dealers. Believe me, when I grow up, I’m going to make Virginia a great colony again by building a wall by keeping these people out – or maybe in!

GWF: So who DO you think cut down my cherry tree?

GW: I know for a FACT that it was the little Rodham girl Hillary – bad girl – really bad! I say lock her up in her room for the rest of her life!

Vladimir Putin Demands investigations of Trump Ties to America

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Vladimir Putin came out today demanding an independent investigation into Donald Trump’s ties to America. In a press conference he stated “There is clear concern for us that Donald Trump has ties to America that he has not been forthcoming about. After firing his National Security Adviser it is unclear that he will follow our explicit Instructions. We elected Trump on the promise that he would follow the laws laid  out  in the Russian Federation Constitution and do whatever we want him to do. Instead he seems to be on his own agenda, and we cannot have that. I have asked Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan to immediately conduct an independent investigation into Donald Trump’s ties to America and if necessary impeach him so we can get someone who knows how to follow our instructions."

National Archive's Constitution Replaced with The Art Of The Deal

Satirical News Service

Washington,D.C.

Staff and visitors to the National Archives in Washington DC were surprised today to find that copies of The US Constitution, Bill of Rights, and The Declaration of Independence, normally displayed in bomb proof glass cases for all to view have all been removed. In their place was a copy of The Art of the Deal printed on parachment like paper. Steven Bannon, the newly appointed director of the National Archives stated that “they were going to undergo some revisions and cleaning”, but failed to elaborate on just what this entailed. Also all copies of these historic documents have been removed from the gift shop. Instead, and until further notice, only  copies of The Art of The Deal would be available.

Sesame Street to undergo Major Change

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Trump Administration announced today that although it was going to do away with public funding for PBS, it intends on keeping the popular show Sesame Street, but change the theme and characters. Big Bird will be replaced by Yuge Bird, featuring a vulture. It will also introduce his sidekick, Steven The Reaper, featuring a grim reaper character. The show’s emphasis will be on instilling fear into children by harping on how dangerous cites are because of illegal aliens, Muslim Terrorists, and Political Correctness. It will warn kids not to believe the fake news and facts coming from the main stream media, but only stuff it hears on this show. It will encourage children to report any suspicious activity and anti-Trump sentiments they hear from their parents and neighbors to the proper authorities. The new show will be appearing daily on the Fox News Channel.