NRA – “Spare the Glock Spoil the Child”

                     Steve, Carol and Roger get ready for a typical school day

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a stunning concession to the growing outcry against military style assault rifles and extended ammunition clips after the recent Connecticut shooting, the NRA today broke its silence conceding that some measures were needed to prevent this from happening again.  They've called it the “Spare the Glock, Spoil the Child” policy. In this proposal they recommend arming every school employee so that they can shoot the shooter first. Pointing out how successful this worked for Neighborhood Watch Committees in Florida they recommended more heat in the classroom. The NRA suggested that school children also should be allowed to carry loaded fire arms into the classroom. When asked whether a 5 year old should be allowed to carry a loaded assault rifle to school, the NRA spokesperson replied “That’s completely ridiculous! A five year old can’t control a weapon as heavy as a loaded assault rifle! -- Something like a 38 police special or Glock 45 is much more appropriate for someone that old. Assault rifles should only be in the hands of someone 9 and older.”  They also recommended requiring students to wear school uniforms made of Kevlar.

Also in a move of tremendous compassion, the NRA stated that it would give free of charge a Bushmaster AK-47 semi-automatic assault rifle with extended ammunition clip to every parent who has lost a child to gun violence.  “We know that this can never completely replace the loss you have suffered, but once you get your hands around this new baby and cuddle its cold steel and raw power to your chest, and feel it unleash it’s unbridled power, that no bleeding hearted liberal gun hating congressman can take away from you, it will ease the loss you have suffered.”

Discovery of Extinct Branch of Prehistoric Humans

Satiricial News Service

Scientists this week have made the discovery of an early branch of human evolution that mysteriously went extinct. From fossils they hypothesized that they had very small brains and lived exclusively on an herb that resembles modern day "tea". Scientists believe this may have made them very angry and irrational. They are classifying this new species as Homo-Insurrectus.

Along with the discovery they discovered cave drawings from this extinct human race. Anthropologists have suggested that based on the drawings, they worshiped the symbol of a coiled snake. The figure in the middle right drawing is hypothesized to represent a witch doctor or chief who leads the tribe. In this depiction the figure appears to be raising ancient artifacts called “taxes”. The circle with the slash indicates that they did not like this chief or taxes. The lower most drawing shows how they lured a woolly mammoth to jump off a cliff by first jumping off it themselves. The last drawing suggests why they probably went extinct.

Mayan Calendar – Time to go off Daylight Savings Time

Satirical News Service
Quetzacoatl, Mexico

According to the Mayan Calendar, it is time to go off Daylight Savings time if you live in the Mayan Time zone. This means that you turn back daylight for the next 600 years and have nothing but darkness, until you go back on Mayan Standard time in about 2612. Archaeologists have uncovered several tablets inscribed with the saying “If it’s 2012, fall back into perpetual night”.

GOP Agrees To Let One Person Pay More Taxes If President Agrees To Cuts

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

House Leader John Boehner announced today that the GOP controlled House is demonstrating its willingness to reach a compromise on the “Fiscal Cliff”.  He proposed letting one person with an income of more than 250,000.00 pay 1% more in taxes if the President will agree to End Obamacare, cut Social Security in half, quadruple the defense budget, and produce his “real” birth certificate that shows he really was born in Kenya . John Boehner stated “We propose to have a lottery among all individuals who make more than 250,000 a year, and the “losing number” will have to cough up an additional 1%. So you can see that the Republicans are willing to raise taxes and are trying hard to compromise on this issue. It’s the President and the Democrats that just won’t bend on this.

Mall Santa’s Comment “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out” May Have Triggered Shooting Spree

Satirical News Service
Clackamas, Ore

New evidence came out today after the tragic shooting in the Clackamas Oregon Mall, that the rampage may have been triggered by the Mall Santa’s response to  Jacob Tyler Roberts Xmas present wish.  The previous day he was purported to have sat on the Mall Santa’s lap and asked him for a “Red Rider AK-47 automatic rifle with an extended ammunition clip”, to which the Mall Santa replied “NO kid! You’ll shoot your eye out”. After that, witnesses reported hearing Roberts mutter “I’ll show him who’ll shoot their eye out”.  The NRA is warning all Mall Santa’s not to deny any kids’ request for high powered automatic weapons with extended ammunition clips this Xmas, and recommends that anyone shopping at a Mall this Xmas come fully armed. Happy Holidays!

Fiscal Cliff Action Heroes Toy – Hot Xmas Seller

Satirical News Service

New York, NY

This year’s hottest toy is the Fiscal Cliff Action Hero set featuring Nancy the Wonder Woman who battles the evil John the Hammer of the Right to protect the middle class from Fiscal Cuts to entitlement programs, Health Care and Fair taxes. Or conversely,  John the Righteous fearlessly protecting the 1%'ers against an onslaught of 47%'ers led by Nancy the Tax-and Spend Liberal super villain who uses her super powers to tax and spend job creators to death with health care, higher taxes  and Entitlement programs for the poor. There is also Barack the Negotiator who tries vainly to bring both sides to some sort of compromise before they both go over the dreaded fiscal Cliff. The toy is not selling well with kids, but their parents love it!

The Restless Leg Syndrome Pledge Drive

Once again at this time of year I want to call attention to the forgotten disease -  Restless Leg Syndrome. Ever since advertisements have fallen off, fewer and fewer people have been diagnosed with this serious medical condition, leaving pharmaceutical companies overstocked with worthless drugs to treat it. So at this time of year, we are asking people to dig deep into their hearts and pockets to give to the Restless Leg Foundation. Each dollar you donate will go directly to pharmaceutical companies to generate more advertisements for their drugs for this forgotten condition – or to research new diseases that they can apply their overstocked drugs for. Without your help, this disease may go completely un-noticed. 

Congressional Republicans Offer to Compromise on Fiscal Cliff Impasse

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

House speaker announced today that they would be willing to consider a modest tax increase for the wealthiest Americans if the Democrats agreed to the following.

1.       Nullify the results of the last election

2.       Barack Obama agrees self deport back to Kenya

3.       Nullify Obamacare

4.       End Medicare and Medicaid

5.       End Social Security

6.       Increase defense spending by 200%

7.       Eliminate NPR

8.       Publicly fund Rush Limbaugh and FOX news

9.       Nuke Iran

In exchange the GOP will be willing to negotiate on a 0.005% increase in taxes for people making over 10 billion a year.

“We feel this is the best way to end the stalemate in a fair and equitable way.  If the democrats will just agree to hand us total power to enact whatever we want, we might  be willing to consider raising taxes on anyone say -making more than 10 billion dollars – but only by 0.005%. After all, we did have more Twitter feeds in the last election so that gives us a mandate to control what legislation passes and what does not.”

In other news NASA satellites have discovered small pockets of ice in HELL. So if the old saying is true there is a chance that some form of compromise will be reached before the January 1^st deadline.

Time Square Ball to be “Thrown Over the Cliff” on New Years

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Preparations are now under way in Times Square to make the worldly famous “Lighted Ball” not just slide down a pole, but to be thrown off the building in a symbolic reminder that as of that moment we will all be going over the fiscal cliff. “We feel it is the best way to bring in the New Year for this country who will now be facing a whole raft of fiscal disasters. Unfortunately we can’t throw Congressmen over with it, but we have promised them front row seats right in the path of the falling ball!”

In other news Obama had Mitt Romney over to the White House for a “Consolation Prize” lunch. After he left Michelle, Sasha, Malia, and Barack we’re rolling on the floor laughing. “I can’t believe he fell for the “Turkey” chili, and “Chicken” salad bit! – and he ate it!” They later revealed that what was really in those dishes was Crow.

Growing Number of US Citizens Sign Petition To Secede From Reality

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With the 2012 election behind us, more than 700,000 citizens, most of them from the state of Texas, have signed a petition to secede from reality. Led by Governor and former presidential hopeful Rick Perry, the new secessionists want to live in a reality free state where everything FOX news and Rush Limbaugh says is the gospel truth.

                “We want to live in a state where we can roll back job killing liberal legislation like the 13^th and 20^th amendments, and revert to a place where men and women know their place and legitimate rape is naturally shut down by GOD. We want a state where jobs can be created without the harassment of taxes, minimum wages, health care, OSHA, the FDA, or unions. We want a state where religion can be freely taught in public schools, as long as it is a religion we approve of.  We want a state where anyone of foreign nationality or even looks that way is considered illegal or a terrorist until proven differently. To do this, now that Obama has been re-elected, our only course of action is to secede from reality.”

SUPREME COURT TO HEAR CASE ON WHETHER OBAMA REALLY WON HIS RE- ELECTION AND WHETHER HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS GENUINE

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Immediately following the announcement that the US Supreme Court would hear yet another challenge to Obamacare, Justice Scalia also announced that it would also hear arguments challenging Obama’s recent re-election on the grounds that Mitt Romney and his Super PACS spent more money on it, and therefore should have won. They will also accept a suit from Donald Trump arguing that Obama’s birth certificate is fake because many people believe it so.

Both Congress and the President Vow to Act Quickly to Pass Bill Vital to Preserving American Society

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With the 2012 election a scant two weeks behind us, President Obama and Congressional leaders immediately set out to address the most important piece of legislation to avert a dire crisis to all Americans. In a speech yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner reiterated that Congress needs to put aside all frivolous matters and focus exclusively on this one bill. “If we fail to act, the consequences could be dire. It would affect millions of Americans now and for future generations.”  President Obama also went on record to state that this bill must pass before it is too late. Both House must immediately come together and put aside past partisan differences to pass this vital bill.”

                While the past 14 months have shown that Congress and President are locked in a gridlock, pundits are very hopeful that both sides can finally act decisively to and pass this bill – namely a bailout for Hostess Inc. aimed at saving the Twinkie.

Republicans Look For New “Chair” Candidates for 2016

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After taking a shellacking  in the 2012 Presidential election, The GOP leaders are already looking for candidates for the 2016 election that would appeal to a larger demographic base. When the polls after the RNC convention showed that Clint Eastwood’s chair got more positive ratings than any of the Republican candidates, the search began for chairs that might be electable on the GOP ticket. Here are some of the results from recent polls

Electric Chair – Polled well with  the “Law and Order” Crowd also the Energy sector

Rocking Chair- Holds strong appeal to Elderly voters, also new mothers

Executive Office Chair – Polled well with traditional conservative men

Gynecological Exam Chair-Polled well with those elusive young single women voters who only want free birth control.

Beauty Shop Chair – Show strong appeal to woman voters – especially older middle aged ones

Bean Bag Chair- Shows strong tendency to be flexible on positions – gets away from the perception of being too inflexible on issues. Polled well with 18 year old's

Barber Chair – Polled well with Black and Hispanic voters

Dentist Chair –  Polled negatively with everyone.

Captain Kirks Chair – Showed great appeal to trekkies and military.

Dunce chair – Hands down Winner with the Tea Party Voters

Big Bird to Mitt Romney - "You're Fired"

Dear Mr. Romney:

As by now you know the results of the election including Florida now show that the American people have  rejected your policies and bid for presidency. It is therefore with slight regret that I have to inform you that your services to this country are no longer required. Good luck in your new career - what ever it is.

Sincerely,

Big Bird

Romney Wins Twitter Vote – FOX News Vindicated

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a statement today, FOX news executives stated that yesterday Mitt Romney overwhelmingly won the Twitter vote count. “We feel that this is really the only vote that matters – far more than electoral votes or even actual ballot votes – and we are vindicated by the fact we had accurately predicted that Mitt Romney would overwhelmingly win this vote. “

In other news Mitt Romney immediately announced that he would run for President in 2016 this time as a Democrat. In his statement he stated that he has always been a supporter for strong government regulations and programs, and that Obamacare was actually fashioned after his Massachusetts Health Care Plan. He feels that wealthy Americans should bear some of the burden of getting America out of dept. with higher taxes, and strongly believes in equal rights for woman and their right to choose in all health related and pregnancy matters. He supports strong gun control, and limiting all drilling on public lands to protect the environment.

The law firm that brought the Citizens United suit to the Supreme Court has issued a new challenge demanding that Hurricanes not be permitted any role in presidential elections. In the law suit they demanded that Hurricanes be prevented from utilizing their vast resources of wind, rain, and tides to potentially sway voters and limit access to polling places.

Newly re-elected President Obama has announced that he will be forgoing the usual inauguration parade and ball for a mass “kum-bi-ya” sing-along on the mall to unite both parties.  John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have both declined his offer to attend. 

Texas Simplifies Ballot Choices

Satirical News Service
Houston, TX

With Texas declared solidly in the “Red State” Column, election officials there have decided to simplify the ballot. It now consists of basically two choices for the voter that encompasses all candidate choices.

                                  Republican

                 Not Republican

As one official stated "We feel this eliminates a lot of time and confusion, and since we’re already declared a Red State, what difference does it make what you’re other choices are."

Re-live those Great Presidential Campaign attacks of 2012!

The ink isn't even dry on our election ballots and already you are probably longing for those sweet sounds emanating from your TV set. Great phrases like “Higher Taxes fort the Middle Class”,” Trillions in debt!”, “Outlaw all abortions!”, ”Legitimate Rape” ,“47% of Americans…..”, and or course “ JOBS! JOBS! JOBS”

But now thanks to Life-Time Media, you’ll be able to relive those great campaign ad moments over, and over, and over again!

Remember this Great Hit “Abolish the Welfare Work Requirement”

Or how about “Day One on Romney’s Presidency”

(Link unavailable)

Or That great Super PAC hit “Change – But only between a Man and A Woman"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=oiEn0Pj0UGE#t=36s

Or that other "Romney and Ryan on Rape"

And who could forget that great one “Mitt Romney Super Hero!”

Before you can Say “Big Bird – you’re fired!”, you’ll be puking once again  at  those great moments of the 2012 campaign

If you order now, we’ll also send you as free bonus, Todd Akins’ Legitimate Rape Statement” interview video at no extra charge!

So Order Now!

Ohio Governor Urge Democrats to Evacuate State

Republican governor Kasich today urged Democrat to evacuate the state of Ohio that now sits in the outer path of Hurricane Sandy. "We are concerned that God's wrath will come down on us as it has already on New York and other 'Blue states'". He pleaded with democrats to leave a soon as possible and not to return until after the election so that damage to our great state can be averted. Other Republican governors in the path of Sandy have urged their democrats to leave as well.  "God knows who you are" stated governor Christie, "and if I were you, I'd run for the border!"

Zombie Vote May Decide the Election

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

With less than 2 weeks to go before the 2012 election, the Zombie vote may be the crucial decider. The Zombie Vote is usually made up of Independent voters who typically have very little interest in politics. But this year they have been hit particularly hard by “death and taxes”, thus proving the old adage of the inevitability of both. They also have no interest in the Health Care debate but would like there to be "Death Panels". In the past the Zombie voters have largely come from Cook County which encompasses the Chicago voting district and have swayed presidential elections in the past. But this year, the Zombies from Ohio may decide the election. Zombies usually vote in a single block and vote early - around Halloween. Pennsylvania officials are going to be on the watch for fraudulent voters posing as Zombies, but are not actually dead. Since photo ID’s are pretty much useless with this group due to the decomposition of their flesh, Zombies in Pennsylvania will be required to show both a birth and a death certificate.

            Throughout this election both candidates have been secretly catering to the Zombie voters for some time now. Mitt Romney has tried to portray himself as a Zombie since the early primaries, and President Obama tried to portray himself as a Zombie in the first Presidential debate.

            Issues that have most importance to Zombies are the “Rights of the Undead”. Zombies want to have a constitutional person-hood amendment stating that “Life begins at conception, but doesn't end at death.” Not only do they want to lower inheritance tax rates, but they want to eliminate inheritance altogether. They are generally not swayed by typical political rhetoric, but seem to be drawn to the red meat political attack ads that have dominated this election.

Romney’s Navy Plans Revealed

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

New details are emerging about the new ships that Mitt Romney wants add to the US Navy. These will be a new class of ships which will be stationed in the Caribbean at a new US Naval base in the Cayman Islands. There primary mission will be on patrol to carry unspecified important people to vital destinations in the Caribbean. The first two of these new ships will be called The USS Carl Rove and the USS Bill Perry.

Massive Outbreaks of Nausea Has CDC Concerned

Satirical News Service

Atlanta, GA

The CDC today has raised concerns over massive outbreaks of severe nausea in several parts of the country – most notably on Ohio, Colorado, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina. According to CDC officials, they started seeing a cluster of cases in Florida, then North Carolina, then Colorado and now in Ohio. The Ohio cases appear to be especially severe and growing in frequency.

The symptoms include severe retching and nausea whenever the words “Tax cuts”,” Middle Class”, “debt”, “jobs”,” economy”, and especially “Mitt Romney”,” Barack Obama”, and “I approve this message” are heard.  The CDC is still mystified as to how the repetition of these seemingly innocuous words could cause such severe symptoms of nausea. To date they do not have a vaccine or cure, but have advised people especially in affected areas not to watch TV or listen to the radio since these seem to bring on the attacks.

New Dinner Conversations at Home

After nearly 9 months of non-stop political attack ads on every station, here is how Dinner Conversations have devolved....

Dad! – He says we can’t afford  to increase allowances, but what has he done with his money – expensive golf outings with his buddies – expensive gifts for mom. Meanwhile his kids go begging for basic necessities like pizza and burgers. Isn't it time to re-examine his priorities. Call him and tell him so. I’m Johnny and I approve this message. (Paid for by Sons for a Better economy)

The worst report card in years! Isn't it time for kids to take responsibility for their grades. We can’t have 6 more months of low grades! I’m Dad and I approve this message!

Budget cuts for Teachers, Taxing new government regulations! No wonder they can’t teach our kids. And now they blame US kids for bad grades! Isn't it time to place the blame where it really belongs? (Paid for by Kids for Placing the Blame where it really belongs)

Dad says he’s a jobs creator at home, but what kind of jobs – menial lawn care, low wage housekeeping  jobs. Meanwhile he has plenty to tip valets and caddies at the country club. Isn't it time he brought the real high paying jobs back home?(Paid for by Kids for better high paying jobs)

Pizza shops closing their doors, Millions of jobs lost in mobile phone companies – and why? - because of the reckless fiscal policies of Dad! If allowances are raised It will create millions of new jobs  for pizza delivery services, and  iPhone service providers. Paid for by Kids for higher allowances)

Self Reliance!  That’s what made America great. Yet millions of kids think it’s their God given right to be provided with high budget busting allowances, support for mobile phone habits. I think its high time that kids take responsibility for these handouts themselves. I’m Dad and I approve this message!

Hi, I’m  Sally. Before the harsh allowance cuts took effect, I had a real social life, I was popular. Now thanks to the austerity measures brought on by steep cuts in our allowance and harsh punitive punishments, I have no future, while other kids get to have anything they want. Isn't it time we restore fairness in this family? I’m Sally and I approve this message!

Bans on Big Soft Drinks? No Pizza? Parental Food Fascism is getting out of control! We need parents who respect an individuals’ right to make their own decisions without big government telling parents what they think we kids should eat. (Paid for by Kids for Freedom to eat what they want)

If the Iranians invade us, without a car, I’m dead meat! But Mom and Dad think it’s too expensive to get me my own car, while they spend thousands on country club memberships to hob nob with the rich. Isn't it high time to put our National Security needs first!  Mom and Dad – Weak on National Security!
(Paid for by Kids for A Strong national Security!)

Evidence Of Doping 'Overwhelming,' US Anti-Doping Agency Says

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

U.S. Anti-Doping Agency released more than 1,000 pages and photos of evidence in the case of Obama’s alleged doping just prior to the debate in Denver last week. “It became quite clear to us he was involved Doping before the Debates from just looking at the President on the Podium. We were unable to obtain the necessary tests to prove it, but the visual evidence is overwhelming.”

Obama Prepares for his second Debate with Mitt ROmney

Romney to Replace Big Bird with Big Beck and Rush the Grouch

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Just a few days after Romney announced his plan to “Fire Big Bird” during the debate last Wednesday,  the Republican campaign has been hit with a barrage of criticism that they are anti-children. In response the Mitt Romney campaign “clarified” his position stating that Mitt Romney didn't want to totally eliminate Sesame Street, but merely replace the character of Big Bird and others with other characters called “Big Beck”, and his sidekick “Rush the Grouch”. The show would center around weekly “Tea Parties” and would de-emphasize diversity, liberal values, and promote the values of fending for yourself, staying on your side of the fence, boys not playing with dolls, and girls wanting to have lots of babies and not take any kind of pills (except for the occasional Oxycodone). This show would not receive any Federal Funding, but would be entirely funded by the Koch Brothers. They also hope to introduce two other characters called “Sarah Smarty-Pants” and “Googly-Eye-Michelle”.

Etch-a-Sketch Romney Reveals Himself As the “Real Mitt Romney”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Less than a week after pundits gave Romney a win in the 1^st Presidential Debate. The Real Mitt Romney AKA Etch-a-Sketch Romney stepped forward to accept the credit. “I am the REAL Mitt Romney in this election. Whenever I say or do something that I now want to distance myself from, I simply jump up and down and poof it’s erased. Don’t like my comments about the 47% of Americans being non taxpaying freeloaders – poof! - Gone away. How about my Health Plan as governor  of Massachusetts – poof! - Gone! Bain capital investments in China – poof! – Gone!  Statements about cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans – poof !– Gone! Stance on Immigration – poof !– Gone! Stance on Iran and Afghanistan – poof! – gone!  Support for Big Oil Companies - poof ! – Gone. My stance on Abortion - poof ! – gone! Wow, I can keep this up all through the election. Just wait until I get into office and then see how much of the stuff I say now gets erased!

Empty Chair Last Minute Replacement for Romney in Debate – FOX News declares CHAIR the Hands Down Winner.

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

In a surprise last minute glitch, Mitt Romney became violently ill just hours before the scheduled first debate with Barack Obama. According to Romney “It must have been tainted meat from the taco I ate at yesterday’s Latino rally in Denver”.  Rather than cancel the debate, it was agreed that the infamous CHAIR, used by Clint Eastwood at the RNC Convention, would substitute for Mitt Romney. The debate came off without any further hitches and FOX news declared  the CHAIR (Mitt Romney) as the hands-down winner.

Here is an excerpt from FOX news’s Commentary between FOX news’ Eric Bolling and Gretchen Carlson

Bolling – I felt that CHAIR did a great job in the debate. It stood erect without wavering, and portrayed the silent steady demeanor that America wants in their president.

Carlson – Yes in contrast to President Obama who insisted on always answering the questions posed to him.

Bolling – I especially like how CHAIR caught Obama off guard when asked about what he would do about the economy. Obama went on and on quoting specific things he would do next term, while CHAIR remained silent, and immobile – just like what Mitt Romney will do as president. I think the audience really liked that.

Carlson – Yes and CHAIR did get in one Zinger. When Obama started going on about how Romney only cared about 1% of Americans, CHAIR came back with “At least I only want to screw 47% of Americans”.

Bolling – Yes! What a great Zinger! You could see the audience liked that one.

Carlson – What does the FOX News poll show after the debate?

Bolling – According to our latest FOX news poll, only 2% of the people think that Obama won the debate while 98% of our viewers said CHAIR won.

APPLE APOLOGIES FOR iPhone 5 CALENDAR APP

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Just one day after Apple apologized for its rather erroneous iMap application, Apple executives  again came forward to apologize to users for the calendar app on the iPhone 5. We think might have released it before we fully debugged it, but we hope to have a better replacement in the iPhone6, due out in six months. Users were quite surprised to find that some months had up to 37 days, and most of them were in the wrong order.

Replacement Referee’s to Serve as Election Judges in Battleground States

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Now that the NFL referee lock-out has ended, the replacement referees that been hired by state officials as election judges to oversee the critical elections in key battleground states. According to the board of election's committee "After witnessing their performance on the football field, we feel this would be an excellent role for them to play in the forthcoming presidential election."

CBS’s The Amazing Race with Apple Maps

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

In an effort to recover from the public relations disaster of Apples newly released Apple Maps App, CBS has decided to make “Lemonade from Lemons”. In the next season of The Amazing Race, CBS will arm its contestants with iPhones equipped with the Apple maps app. The real kicker is that no one, even the producers are going to have any idea just where they will all end up.

ROMNEY SHOWS OFF FOREIGN POLICY SKILLS- VOWS TO CUT TAXES AND OBAMACARE IN 10 COUNTRIES.

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In an effort to catch up in the polls before the upcoming debates, Mitt Romney today demonstrated his skills at handling foreign policy. In a press conference today held near the UN opening ceremony, Mitt Romney announced that as President he would cut taxes in more than 10 countries. According to Romney “It’s the same old story, Government is not the solution to the problem; Government is the problem!” He plans to put an end to the NHS (National Health Service) in Britain and Canada, and cut taxes in for the wealthiest citizens in Afghanistan and Pakistan and 8 other countries to create more jobs.

                When asked by what authority he proposed to do this, he stated that the USA is second to none in the world, and what’s good for the USA is good for the rest of the world. He said that Obama’s policies have failed to create more jobs in those countries, and they were worse off now than they were four years ago. Under his administration, they would not have to suffer under the burden of high taxes and heavy government regulation from their own governments, and especially from Obamacare.

Authorities Uncover Massive Tunnel Under the Hudson River Used to Smuggle Super Size Bottles of Coca Cola.

Satirical News Service
New York,NY

Police in New York today discovered two massive tunnels dug beneath the Hudson River used by the Coca Cola syndicate to smuggle Super-sized bottles of Coca Cola that are now illegal in New York. Authorities also seized a large quantity of BIG GULP cups also illegal which now fetch a premium on the black market. The massive size of the tunnels have authorities baffled as to how such an undertaking could happen right under their noses. “Huge Semi’s loaded with the illegal sized beverages rolled through it every day before we caught onto it! “

A News Story you will Never See

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Thousands of angry Radical Tea Party Activists rioted today after a YouTube video surfaced that portrayed Barack Obama as a womanizer and a pedophile. One of the demonstrators shouted “They cannot defile our leader like this – Death to them! Meanwhile FOX news led the charge urging protestors  to continue their protests to protect the good name of our President. Both Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin called for new laws making  it a capital crime to disparage the name of President Obama. Meanwhile the crowds of Tea Partyers gathered around foreign embassies Shouting Barack is Great!, Barack is great!

What Mitt Romney Meant to Say

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Amid the uproar over the secret video tape recording of Mitt Romney saying  “47% of the people who pay no taxes were dependent on government handouts", he stated today in a hastily arranged press conference with FOX news.what he really meant to say,

“What I really meant to say, was that  I believe that the zero point 47% of the people in America, like myself, who pay no taxes, expect the government to provide handouts for us in the form of free tax breaks to completely cover expensive  healthcare plans, expensive  houses, and entertainment expenses for lavish dinners and vacations.  We are victims of big government who expect us to actually pay some taxes. We need to be more self reliant and take care of our own needs by off-shoring our money in tax havens, like me, so that we never have to pay any taxes.”

The RNC was very much relieved that he clarified his position on this matter.

Romney Admits He is Better Off Now than in 2008

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a startling announcement today, Mitt Romney admitted that he is personally better off today than he was in 2008. In an exclusive interview with Satirical News Service, he stated, “Okay so In 2009, 2010 I was a lot better off than most Americans, but that was mainly due to the tax breaks I got when Baine Capital offshore all those companies we closed down. But in 2011, I was less better off because I actually had to pay a whopping 13% taxes because I knew I would be running for President and those liberal would have a field day if they saw I paid no taxes.  So just because I was better off for three of those 4 years, doesn't mean I’m better off today. “ 

US Economy Grows on Strength of Attack Ad Revenues

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a time when all sectors of the American Economy are showing anemic growth, the one sector that has skyrocketed has been the Political Attack Ad sector. This year alone over 1 billion dollars was spent on these ads. In response to this NASDAQ  will be listing a new IPO for a corporation called SuperPAC. SuperPAC (SUPAC symbol) recently formed by Karl Rove hopes to be the one-stop-shop for all political attack ads nationwide and eventually worldwide. 

According to their spokesperson, “We see ourselves as being in the business of mining and manufacturing. We mine the public rancor, and then manufacture the truth to feed this rancor. The best part about it is that it is self-perpetuating; when one side comes out with an ad, the other party has to respond, or more to the point, retaliate, in kind. This could be the new Google or Facebook! At a time when wealthy investors are unwilling to risk their money on Energy, Manufacturing, Transportation, IT, healthcare,... you name it! They are pouring money like crazy into Political Attack Ads. The best part about it is that we have to produce nothing of tangible value! There is No-Return-On-Investment except for the prospect that your party will win and then owe you favors – something we can’t be even remotely linked to let alone held accountable to our investors for. In the coming years we plan to take these attacks ads down to the local level – heck, even the races for County Coroner are starting to go negative! With all the built up hubris and rancor in this nation we project skyrocketing revenues for years to come. We are also planning on expanding into the European market which we feel has great potential for our products.  America could be the new world leader in the manufacture and production of Political Attacks Ads. This could be engine that fuels the economy for the next 50 years!”

Empty Chair seen as the GOP’s new “Joe the Plummer”

Satirical News Service
Tampa, FL

Following its debut at the GOP National Convention in Tampa earlier this week, the “empty chair” has become an overnight sensation. We caught up with it just before it was getting ready to depart on a nationwide tour to campaign for Mitt Romney. Here are some remarks from an interview it agreed to give us.

“I feel that I truly represent the values of the GOP – Rigid, bland, and empty. Like Mitt Romney I also paid zero taxes for at least 10 years, and like Mitt Romney I basically sit around while others do the real work, and then claim credit. Like Mitt, I was born in Michigan of good strong American wooden stock, I was made an orphan early in my life when the company that made me was sold to Bain Capital and then outsourced to China due to over-regulation of the Forest Industry by Big Government Environmentalists. I too believe that life begins at the moment of construction, and hope that someday more inanimate objects like me and Mitt with hollow legs and empty values, and a single purpose can grow up to become President.”

Remake – Saving Private (*Hedge fund) Ryan

Satirical News Service

Tampa. FL

Dinesh D’Souza, the film maker who recently made O’bama 2016, has announced plans to remake the film Saving Private Ryan. In this version of the film, Paul Ryan has lost all of his ultra-conservative brothers in bitter primary fights. He and Captain Miller (played by Mitt Romney) are barricaded in a Cayman Islands Bank besieged by US government Tax collectors who are demanding their tax returns for the last 10 years. With only with a handful of die hard conservatives , armed with just a few banking  and Wall Street de-regulations and Medicare vouchers, they battle off the persistent  tax collectors. In the final scene Captain Miller (Mitt Romney) is hopelessly confronted by a large government armored car determined to take more than 13% of his declared income. Out of the blue comes a private Jet dropping 10,000 hard bound copies of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged on the armored car. As Miller (Mitt Romney) lay dying he turns to Paul Ryan, pointing to the Cayman Island bank that they saved,  in his dying breath says “Earn this….!”  As the movie ends a not much older but now wiser Ryan vows to end Medicare, Cut taxes the rich, and end all Federal entitlement programs. The final scene cuts to a brave heroic Ryan standing steadfast against a silhouetted Cayman Islands Flag. 

REBUBLICAN PARTY ADOPTS NEW SLOGAN TO REFLECT THEIR CORE VALUES

Satirical News Service

Tampa, FL

In an effort to demonstrate how different the Republican Party Platform is from the Democrats, they have adopted a new slogan that reflects both the party's core values and the direction they want America to move. 

Republican National Convention Moved to Cayman Islands

Satirical News Service
Cayman Islands

With Hurricane Isaac still bearing down on the Southern Coast, The RNC decided to move the entire convention to the Cayman Islands.  According to one spokesperson “What place could be safer than the place where Mitt Romney and his cronies keep their money and what place could more represent the values of the delegates there.  Besides it’s the only country where a higher percentage of people like him than hate him.  Come Hell or higher taxes for the 1%, we’ll be safe down here."

Republican Party Blames Obama for Causing Hurricane Isaac

Satirical News Service
Tampa, FL

With the eminent threat of Hurricane Isaac bearing down on Tampa just as the Republican Convention is about to start, Mitt Romney lashed out at Obama for causing the Hurricane as well as the draught and heat wave in the US. The Super PAC Crossroads for America has just launched a series of attack ads that essentially blame Obama for causing the hurricane to disrupt the convention by using his presidential authority to cause Global Warming. Romney pledged that he will end Global Warming if he is elected by cutting all funding  to the National Weather Service, FEMA, and the Atmospheric Research Center. Meanwhile Rep Akins stated that if Hurricane Isaac is legitimate, Tampa will be able to shut down naturally to prevent it from damaging the Florida coast.

Republican Scientists Discover Proof of the Wandering Uterus

Scientists shown here with wandering uterus

Satirical News Service
St. Louis, MO

Long thought to be a mythical relic of Medieval Medicine, Republican Scientists now say that they have discovered proof that the Wandering Uterus does indeed exist.  “This is a monumental day in the annals of Medicine – rivaling the discovery of the structure of DNA by Watson and Crick. Thanks to the efforts of Todd Akin, we now know for a fact the uterus does indeed wander throughout the bodies of woman. For example, we know that it runs away when confronted with a legitimate rape, but moves to embrace the sperm when the rape is illegitimate. Just how the uterus knows this is still a mystery to us, but we hope to obtain more federal funding to further investigate this phenomena. Rep Akins has graciously pledged to give us the money that the Republicans plan to take away from Planned Parenthood.”

The validation of the wandering uterus theory now sheds light on a whole host of other female maladies that have long been attributed to the mind instead of the uterus. These include wanting equal pay, the right to vote, and the right to make decisions over their own bodies. Scientists in the Republican Party hope that with further discoveries about this Wandering Uterus we can once and for all prevent these maladies.

Al Jazeera to Feature Reality TV show- “Stars Earn Martyrdom”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following Monday Night’s premier of NBC’s new Reality Show “Stars Earn Stripes” that features stars of sport and screen going thru actual simulated military missions with Green Berets, Delta Force, and Marines, Al Jazeera today announced that they would feature a similar show called “Stars Earn Martyrdom”. In this show stars from the Arabic and Pakistani screen and sports world would train and go through actual Al-Qaida training.  In the show they would be test their skills and planting roadside IED’s, setting up ambushes for simulated NATO forces, and going on simulated suicide missions. It is expected to be a big hit.

Congress Rallies Around New Gun Legislation Endorsed By the NRA

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Concerned over yet another mass shooting less than 1 month after the Aurora, Colorado shooting, Congressmen from both parties are becoming a nervous about having to take a position on gun legislation in an election year. To appease their concerns, the NRA is endorsing a new bill that would prohibit news sources from using the word “gun”, or any permutation of it is any news stories or editorials, or legislation bills. Henceforth the word “gun” or “guns” will be replaced by “the-thing-that-must-not-be-spoken-of”. Congress is hailing this as a show of bi-partisan effort to enact controls on “the-things-that-must-not-be-spoken-of”

Opportunity Meets Curiosity – Life On Mars Might Be Possible

Satirical News Service

Pasadena, CA

NASA scientists have released the first photos of the extraterrestrial encounter between Mars Rovers Opportunity and Mars Rover Curiosity. Curiosity, one of first Mars rovers to land on the surface, has been wandering around the surface of mars for several years quite “lonely” until now. The new Mars Rover Opportunity, which successfully landed on the Martian surface just days ago has been aggressively pursuing the smaller more delicate Curiosity spacecraft in what scientists think might be some sort of mating ritual. In this recent photo, the Opportunity Rover has extended it’s large powerful scientific probe, and is getting ready to explore into the tender delicate instrumentation of the smaller Curiosity spacecraft. NASA has also released some of the data from these two spacecraft which consists of strange humping and moaning sounds.  However, for reasons that NASA declined to elaborate on, they have declined to release any additional photos of this encounter.  As one NASA scientist stated “While there might not be life on the surface of Mars right now, but just wait 9 months and watch what happens.”

Mitt Romney Chosen as Flag Bearer for Cayman Islands in Olympic Opening Ceremony

Satirical News Service
London

In an Olympic Surprise, George Romney was made a last minute replacement for the Cayman Islands flag bearer during the opening Ceremony of the 2012 Olympics in London, England. According to sources in the Cayman Island’s Olympic committee, “We felt that Mitt has contributed so much to our economy here in the Cayman Islands that he should get the honor of carrying our flag. Without all his money here our economy would probably be as bad as it  is in the USA“. President Obama was asked to carry the Kenyan Flag, but he stated that he’d have to wait till after the next election.

Romney to Netanyahu – “ Some of my best friends are Jews”

Satirical News Service
Jerusalem, Israel

In an effort to show his skills at international relations, and to gain favor from the largely liberal Jewish community in the US, Mitt Romney made a visit to Israel. There he met with Prime Minister Netanyahu  and told the prime minister that “he knew some Jews in the US, and they seemed like decent people.”  He said “he really likes Jewish food, and he once was involved with a Jew in a business deal who really Jewed him down in the price of the deal- ha, ha!” He stated he hoped that the US and Israel could continue their long standing friendship since “both countries share the great Christian values that made us great.”  There was no comment from Prime Minister Netanyahu.

US HOUSE PROPOSES 30 DAY WAITING PERIOD TO PURCHASE MOVIE TICKETS; MANDATORY PRAYERS BEFORE START OF PICTURE

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 In the wake of yet another tragic mass shooting in Aurora, Colorado, an outraged Congress proposed a 30 day waiting period to purchase movie tickets, and mandatory prayer sessions before the start of a film. House Speaker John Boehner was quoted  “We need these important bills to prevent senseless tragedies from occurring again.”

 In another house vote, a bill that would outlaw extended ammunition clips and assault rifles like the ones used in last night’s shooting was defeated mostly along party lines.

President Romney Now Admits He Wasn’t at the Helm of the US These Past 3 Years

Satirical News Service
January 2017
Washington DC

With the country now in its third year of a worsening great recession and unemployment now at 18% Romney now admits that he really wasn’t running the country these past three years. In 2012 Mitt Romney was declared the winner of the 2012 election due to a highly controversial ruling by Florida’s board of election that gave him an electoral edge. But today Romney today admitted that he really was President of the United States in name only, having taken a leave of absence to become president of Greece within a month of being elected US president. According to Romney’s press secretary, Mitt Romney was in Greece beginning in February 2013, and left all decision making to Bob Perry. Romney flat out denied any involvement in the massive tax cuts to the wealthy and benefit cuts to Medicare, Social Security, and other Federal Programs that led to this latest economic catastrophe. He stated he was much too busy running the affairs of Greece to get involved in those issues. While his stated occupation on his 2013-2017 tax returns was listed as President of the United State, he claimed he was nowhere near the place these past three years.

Kim Jong-un Praised as “Jobs Creator”

Satrical News Service
North Korea

Despite North Korea's real GDP (adjusted for inflation) in 2011 of  0.8%, Kim Jong-un is hailed as a “jobs creator”. According to North Korean sources, “Our great leader has been able to create full employment without raising taxes, cutting taxes, or for that matter any taxes at all. In North Korea, we have a workers paradise, where workers are willing to work 16 hour days for peanuts – literally, they are paid in peanuts-- which they are happy to get! We don’t have any out-sourcing of jobs, since we are “out” about as far as you can get! American presidents should take a lesson from our Workers Utopia as see how easy it is to create lots of jobs without raising taxes.”

A Revised "What Would a Mitt Romney Presidency Be Like" Political Ad

God Particle Makes Stunning Revelation “I’m Gay”

Satirical News Service
Geneva

 Less than a week after scientists at Cern Laboratory in Geneva confirmed the existence of the particle they deemed the “God Particle”, the elusive particle came forward today and announced that it was Gay! In an exclusive interview with Satirical News Service, the GOD particle said, “I guess I’ve always been attracted to particles of the same charge. I’ve always liked putting on showy colorful patterns when colliding with other like charged bosons. For years I’ve tried to be very discreet about it but I guess it’s time now to come out of the ‘universe ‘s closet’ so-to-speak.”

                Pat Robertson immediately came forward and announced that his church would start funding scientific research to find a GOD particle that was NOT Gay! The Vatican also announced that their doctrine remains committed to recognizing only collisions between a positively charged boson and a negatively charged boson. Meanwhile the Iranians have announced that their centrifuges are not trying to make weapons grade plutonium, but instead are involved in scientific research to find the existence of the “Allah Particle”.

Republicans Vow To Outlaw Healthcare After Supreme Court Affirms Obamacare

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 The Republican dominated Congress has vowed to completely outlaw any form of healthcare after the Supreme Court’s decision today. According to Mitch McConnell, “We won’t just stop at repealing Obamacare, but will make any attempt to get healthcare a federal crime”. Arizona’s Jan Brewer has already initiated such a law that will require police to stop anyone the suspect is seeking healthcare, and deport them. Mitt Romney stated “I was for this decision before I was against it”

Apple Adds New Button to iPhone – iPhone Users in Ecstasy

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, California

After months of speculation, Apple Inc. announced today that the new iPhone would have a new button. Immediately upon hearing the announcement long lines of dedicated iPhone users began forming outside of Apple stores eager to be the first to obtain the new iPhones even though it would not be available for several months.  When asked about the purpose of the button, Apple officials stated that at present it has no function at all, but expect in some future version of the iPhone, it would do something, although they declined to speculate what that might be.

One user who was in an early beta tester of the new iPhone said “Man!” “It was like ecstasy just holding the thing in your hand!” “The feel of that new button just can’t be described in words!” Blogs around the world were rife with praises of the new button innovation and expressed sorrow that Steven Jobs was not there to see this incredible innovation.

Negative Ads by SuperPAC’s are Boosting Job Growth this Election Year

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Mitt Romney today touted the hundreds of millions of dollars that super PAC’s have poured into negative political ads, as an example of how private industry, without government intervention, can add more jobs to the economy. “These aren’t government bail out programs, but genuine efforts by concerned private citizens like Bob Perry working hand in hand with private industry to create thousands of new, jobs and  train these people for jobs in the negative-ad-writing field."

In his speech Romney sited the 185 million dollars spent so far and even more is expected to be spent before the election is over. “Workers with these skills have great prospects for a long and lucrative career, and the SuperPAC’s supporting the Republican party intends to keep ti that way." 

On his campaign, Mitt Romney stopped at a sign-spinning school where he watched new young recruits showing off their valuable skills in the sign-spinning business. He stated that this demonstrated a promising future for career minded new grads.

Farmville to Be Sold to Bain Capital – Massive Layoffs Expected

Farmville expected to be turned into an exclusive virtual gated community

Satirical News Service
Palo Alton, CA

With the share price of Facebook plummeting daily, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the board of directors has decided to sell Farmville to Bain Capital. “We deeply regret this decision, but now that we are a publicly held company, we have to live in the REAL world, and not the VIRTUAL one.”

Immediately Bain Capital plans to lay off all the farm workers, and sell all the livestock to a virtual meat processing plant. All of the land in Farmville will be turned into a exclusive gated community with a virtual golf course. Ownership of these virtual homes and rights to the virtual country club and golf course will start at $10,000 per year. Bain is also considering putting in a virtual game hunting park as well so that their friend Dick Chaney can blast a few lawyers for recreation.