Satirical News Service
In a stunning concession to the growing outcry against military style assault rifles and extended ammunition clips after the recent Connecticut shooting, the NRA today broke its silence conceding that some measures were needed to prevent this from happening again. They've called it the “Spare the Glock, Spoil the Child” policy. In this proposal they recommend arming every school employee so that they can shoot the shooter first. Pointing out how successful this worked for Neighborhood Watch Committees in Florida they recommended more heat in the classroom. The NRA suggested that school children also should be allowed to carry loaded fire arms into the classroom. When asked whether a 5 year old should be allowed to carry a loaded assault rifle to school, the NRA spokesperson replied “That’s completely ridiculous! A five year old can’t control a weapon as heavy as a loaded assault rifle! -- Something like a 38 police special or Glock 45 is much more appropriate for someone that old. Assault rifles should only be in the hands of someone 9 and older.” They also recommended requiring students to wear school uniforms made of Kevlar.
Also in a move of tremendous compassion, the NRA stated that it would give free of charge a Bushmaster AK-47 semi-automatic assault rifle with extended ammunition clip to every parent who has lost a child to gun violence. “We know that this can never completely replace the loss you have suffered, but once you get your hands around this new baby and cuddle its cold steel and raw power to your chest, and feel it unleash it’s unbridled power, that no bleeding hearted liberal gun hating congressman can take away from you, it will ease the loss you have suffered.”