FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Time Life Offers Those 2010 Rancorous Election Attack Ad Moments on DVD

The 2010 election is almost over and before long we’ll be hearing those boring peaceful commercials for toilet paper and American Idol.

But, thanks to Time Life Video, you can relive all the rancor and Anger of the 2010 election again and again. We’ve compiled hundreds of hours of some of the most vile puke that was spewed in the 2010 election.

These ads originally cost millions of dollars to air and produce, but thanks to the magic of technology, we’ve restored these ads to their original grainy u-tube low quality and can now offer you them at one low price. Now you’ll be able to re-live those rancourous moments over and over and over again.

You’ll hear great quotes like

“I am not a witch….” from Christine O’Donnel

“Sharon Angel Extreme and Hypocritical” from Harry Reid

“Liberal elitist Liberal Ways”

“ Too extreme for Colorado”

“….Wants to Raise your Taxes!”

“….Wants to privatize Social Security”

“3 Trillion dollars wasted in a job killing stimulus package”

“Voted for Obamacare”

and many more.

And we'll also incude those great heart warming TV ads like

Pamela Gorman blasting away at her liberal opponent

Harry Reid Wants to provide Viagra to sex offenders with your tax dollars

Governor Pat Quinn accusing his opponent of the mass euthanizing of cute Republican-owned puppies:

Rick Barber’s ad with Abe Lincoln saying paying taxes is tyranny and American's slaves to their government

And who could possibly forget that great Dr. McKenna ad accusing his opponent in a State Coroner’s race selling body parts for profit!

And many more!

We’ll send you the first DVD for only $19.95

Then every 4 years, we’ll send you a new collection of these wonderful attacks ads.
You’ll savor every slogan and epithet over and over again time and time again.

Friday, October 29, 2010

And the Stupid Electoral Initiative Award goes to ….. OK Oklahoma!

In an election year when stupidity runs second only to fear, Oklahoma voters will have a chance to set a new high water mark for stupidity and fear. It was reported today in the LA Times that Oklahoma has on its ballot an initiative that would make a constitutional amendment to ban Islamic Sharia law. Never mind the fact that there are only 15,000 Muslims in the entire state and there has never been a single case of Sharia law being applied or even argued. But just in case, Oklahoma wants to be prepared just in case some Muslim has the audacity to turn down a McRib sandwhich.
According to one spokesperson for the group responsible for getting this initiative on the ballot. “We see this as a good start. After this amendment passes we plan to put initiatives on the ballot to outlaw other laws that we disagree with. These include Talmudic law, Darwin’s Law of Natural Selection, Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics, The Law of Gravity, and all re-run’s of Law and Order.”

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Let’s Privatize this War

For once I am in full agreement with the Tea Party and Neoncons. We need to cut Big Government and reduce the National Dept, and not have any timetable for ending the war in Afganistan. Since they also firmly believe that all government agencies are totally inept, I suggest we privatize the biggest one of all. The US Military.
I suggest we start by issuing IPO’s for specific conflicts – like the War in Afghanistan. Free Market entrepreneurs could purchase stock in the war just as they could in say General Motors (as if anyone actually would do that right now). Instead of relying on generals with little vested interest in the wars telling us how the war is going, the average Joe could see for himself just by looking at the stock performance. Banks could also get into the fray too by offering CDO’s or those weird derivatives that hedges their bets in case the Taliban actually do win this war. That way they could still make a killing (so to speak!) if we lose.
The war could be run just like any corporation with competent CEO’s like…., well I can’t really think of any right now, but I’ll get back to you on that ……
To save costs we could lay off thousands of soldiers who are not actually shooting weapons, and we could outsource those jobs to China, the Philippines, or India just like we do all the other jobs.
We could also cut out waste and reduce the size of government by eliminating the VA just as the Tea Party Folks are currently advocating. Instead of offering Big Government Run Health Care that everyone knows is bad for us, we could offer them the same health benefits that ordinary workers get, through CIGNA or Blue Cross. Of course we’d probably have to raise their salary because with their share of the premiums alone they’d, they’d end up owing more than they get paid. Likewise these plans would have to not cover certain things - like getting shot or getting blown up by IED’s.
Companies like Blackwater Security already have shown us that Private Enterprise can do the job much better than Big Government, so let them take over this thing and use the money where it is really needed - on Tax Breaks for the Super Rich!.

Editorial by
Steven Friedman

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The REAL winners in the Next Election

No matter how the vote turns out, after all millions of dollars of soft money that was spent trashing everyone, regardless of the final vote outcome, here are the two candidates that are really going to win this election.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

President Obama Announces Man in Mine Program (satire)

With the worldwide media attention riveted on the Chilean Mine Rescue and interest and funding in the US Space program at an all time low, President Obama today announced he is refocusing NASA on programs that would generate more interest and cost less. To this effect he announced today his proposal for a Man in Mine Program.
In a speech today at the White House, he paraphrased John F. Kennedy’s famous Man on the Moon speech stating “I promise to place a man in the mine and bring him back safely by the end of this decade”.
NASA engineers and executives are already on site in Chile to learn how to keep the media’s attention focused for extended periods of time. As one NASA executive stated “We know this is a massive undertaking, but with dedication and perseverance, we plan to be the second nation to place men in the mine and bring them back safely!”

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Next Season of Survivor - Chilean Mine

Satiricial News Service
Santiago, Chile

With the World's media focused on the Chilean Mine rescue, mine owners are considering what to do with the now useless mine and how to pay for the millions of dollars it took to rescue the miners.

So it comes as no surprise that CBS has offered to lease the mine and the entire rescue set up for 6 months in order to use it as the setting for the next season of Survivor. The last survivor gets a million bucks, plus a lifetime of psychiatric care.

Monday, October 11, 2010

New DaVinci Painting Discovered - The Last Breakfast

In a week of startling new art finds, yet another lost masterpiece was recently discovered, this one, hanging in the basement of the Sistine Chapel. This painting pre-dates DaVinci's last supper and is thought to be the original inspiration for it. It is titled "The Last Breakfast".

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Find your Career in the Lucrative Negative Campaign Ad Writing Industry

Hey Grads – sick and tired of trying to find lucrative work in this economy with your worthless English Literature Degree, Finance degree, or IT degree? Well those very same companies that are turning you away in the front door, are providing billions of dollars and new jobs thru the backdoor through shadow organizations like “Crossroads America", and "US Chamber of Commerce” that are producing tons of negative campaign ads.
So why not cash in on all this loot, by obtaining your degree in Negative Campaign Ad Writing here at the George Orwell Online University. He at GOOU, you’ll learn from the pro’s like Carl Rove and Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh. In no time at all you’ll be spouting meaningless and provacative phrases like “Death Panels”, “Obamacare”, and “Fascist Socialism!And.... you’ll be raking in the big bucks!

Here is a sample of what you’ll learn

Negative Ad Phrase Construction
Using only the words Tax Cuts, Big Government, Spending, Wasteful, Obama, Support, troops, dept, middle class, jobs, creation, and lost, you’ll learn to create hundreds of new negative ads.

Negative Campaign Diction
You’ll learn to speak in a indignant announcer voice a folksy hick dialect, and an indignant Momma grissly voice.

Photoshop Collage
You’ll learn basic Photoshop skills of taking photos of frowning candidates and collaging them along with your indignant phrases to create negative ads.

Basic Phone Camera Filming and Editing
You’ll learn how to create grainy unintelligible phone videos of candidate’s speeches and then edit them to say anything you want them to.

Fuzzy Math
You’ll learn the basics of fuzzy math so that you can make it sound like 2+2 really is equal to 1, and come up with big number phrases like “gozillions of dollars wasted”.

So don’t wait for hope and prosperity come back, take the opportunities that fear and loathing offer you right now in the creative and very very lucrative Negative Campaign Ad writing profession.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Women Supreme Court Justices Line up for New Term Photo

Retired Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the latest O'Bama appointee,Justice Elena Kagan (far right) shown in their own justice robes in this photo prior to Justice Kagan's Investiture, Friday, Oct. 1, 2010, at the court in Washington.