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| Socks -First Openly Feline Nominee since Clinton |
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
With the announcement
yesterday that the Bidens intend on appointing “Socks” to the post of “First
Cat” in the White House, it is expected to have a tough confirmation hearing in
the Senate. This would be the first openly feline pet in the white house since
the Clinton administration and both Blue-Dog Democrats and Red-Meat Republicans
are expected to make this a tough confirmation. The opposition is expected to
raise issues such as inappropriateness of appearing and especially meowing in
the background during Zoom calls, bringing mice birds, and other trophy’s into
the oval office and taking over the President’s office chair when the
President is not sitting in it. Proponents cite the relaxing benefits of
lap-time purring and cuddling – a role that dogs simply cannot fill. They also
cite the fact that the secret service will not be burdened with taking several
walks a day to permit the dogs to “do their duty”. They will however have to
clean out the litter box on a regular basis.
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
In a
statement to the Press today, Ted Cruz blasted what he called the “Fake Weather
Media” for setting people off in a panic
over fake low temperatures. He insisted that the lowest it got in any part of
Texas was about 49 degrees. It never got into the 20’s and teens as some
weather forecasters are saying. “We need to get on with our lives and not be
festered by these fake reports of ice and cold and admonishments to keep off
the road. This is the same type of tyranny that led people to wear masks and
not go to churches because of this so-called Pandemic. Next they will be saying
that this fake weather is due to Global Warming. You won’t see me wearing a
coat today."
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| Generalissimo T. Cruz at the Insurrection of the Alamo |
Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
A new document has surfaced apparently written by a Generalissimo T. Cruz following the fall of the Alamo. Here is the transcript
Senores,
The tragic incident at the Alamo has been
thoroughly investigated thoroughly by our great Presidente and Generalissimo Antonio López de Santa Anna and finds that it was the work of AntiTejanistos that instigated the
riot that led to the tragic deaths of those in the Alamo. We must remember that
there were good people on both sides. Evidence is clear that the AntiTejanistos
planned this well in advance, and the Mexican Army was only there to protect
those innocent Texans that were barricaded in the Alamo and not the other way
around. Those AntiTejanistos are just trying to conduct a witch hunt against
our Presidente. We must now move on from these events and forget about the
Alamo. Viva Mexico!
Satirical News Service
Washington DC
A rare document has
surfaced recently containing the transcript of a military tribunal held after the Southern Arm's surrender at Appomattox to determine if Confederate General P.T. Beauregard
was liable in issuing the order to fire upon Fort Sumter. This act is credited for starting the
American Civil War in 1861.
Beauregard’s defense was that he did not give an actual
order to “Fire!” since he was not a serving member of the United States Army,
but only acting as a member of a paramilitary group that was standing up for their Second
Amendment rights. When he told his supporters who were gathered at the battery
in Charleston Harbor that April morning in 1861, to “give em
shot and shell”, he meant that only figuratively, meaning “stand up for your
Second Amendment Rights to bear arms” and not literally. Although he used the
phrase “Fire boys”, numerous times, he was
only uttering a cheer of encouragement to his fellow militiamen. The fact that
they were standing in front of loaded cannons pointed at Fort Sumter and took
his statement literally is no fault of his. Besides, the real perpetrators were
Union sympathizers who actually wanted a Civil war to bring down those States that supported States Rights.
The findings of the tribunal were never revealed as then
President Johnson threw out all charges and convictions against Southern
Generals who fought against the Union.
Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA
What has for
more than 100 years have been the peaceful celebration of Ground Hog Day at Gobbler’s
Knob in Western Pennsylvania today erupted into a violent protest by mobs of people
who refuse to believe that Punxsutawney
Phil actually saw his shadow today. “It was clearly an
illegal attempt to steal our winter”, said one of the protesters, “We are hell-bent on doing everything we can to stop this travesty. We’ll even shoot every
one of those damned groundhogs who venture out of their dens and attempt to take away
our constitutional protected winter days. I say Stop the Steal!””
After state and local police and intervened, the
riot was finally quelled leaving a very shaken Punxsutawney Phil quivering in his den-like-cage, too afraid to come out for anything!
