FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Entire population of Iowa flees from Toxic Airwave Spill

Satirical News Service
Davenport, Iowa

The entire population of Iowa this week is reeling from what is considered one of the worst toxic airwave pollution incidents in US history. The source of this pollution appears to stem from PAC’s and Super PAC’s spilling tons of untraceable funds into the airwaves prior to the Iowa GOP caucuses scheduled next week. The release of these PAC funds resulted in huge volumes of vitriolic messages and outright lies contaminating the airwaves. Iowans who have been exposed to this barrage stated that they became sick within minutes of watching. To date FEMA and the EPA have not found any way to halt this since their budgets have been slashed. They have advised Iowa residents to avoid turning on their TV during evening hours, to limit their TV watching to no more than 15 minutes a day, and to not answer their telephone that shows an unknown caller. Many Iowa have chosen to just leave the state entirely until after the caucuses are held.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Newt Gingrich Drops Out of US Presidential Race – Decides to Run for North Korea Dictatorship Instead

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Within hours of the surprise announcement of Kim Jong-il's death, presidential GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich made the announcement that he was dropping out of the US presidential race. He has decided instead to focus his efforts on becoming North Korea's next dictator for life.
In a hastily prepared news conference Gingrich stated, "While becoming president of the United States is an admirable goal, I feel that the title of omniscient dictator for life fits much more in line with my hot temper, lavish life style, and devious character. My ascendency to North Korean leader will be a much easier transition for the North Korean people than Kim-Jong Un. Also I'll be less of a threat to the American people with my finger on the North Korean nuclear trigger than I would be with my finger on the US one."

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Betcha Rick Perry's A Liar (from the song Tomorrow from Annie)

I Betcha you’re a liar

I Betcha 10,000 bucks that you’re a liar

Your pants on fire!

A liar, A liar I’m such a high flier

With the Elite crowd

I don’t like Rick Perry

Michele is just scary

And Ron Paul he is….

A moron, a moron, so what if I’m Mormon

I still don’t have a prayer

The polls will come out tomorra

And it’ll show just how fara, I’m from victory

To Iowa, To Iowa, I won't get no higha

In the polls today

The Gingrich that Stole Xmas

Steven Friedman
(with apologies to Dr. Suess)

All the GOPs down in GOPville liked primaries a lot

Except for the Gingrich who did not

He hated the Primaries, the whole campaign season

And its not very hard to see the main reason

It could be his temper, or the women he's laid,

It could be his lobbying and deals that he made

But whatever the reason his dick or his schtick

The Presidential campaigning made him just sick

He stood on the platform in Iowa last week

And heard all the other candidates speak

Starring down from his podium, he glared at each one

Especially Mitt Romney whom he called a big bum

But he knew every GOP in Iowa just now

Was sizing him up, and to see if he'd WOW.

And he said I must stop those others from winning

but HOW?

I know what I'll do said the Gingrich with glee

I'll buy a lot of ads on prime time TV

I'll say lots of stuff that is stupid you'll see

And I'll show all those GOPS just how T-Party I can be

So he pounced on child labor and immigrants too

and gleamed how his values were red white and blue.

He denounced Obama for passing health care

And wanting to make taxes for everyone fair.

And the pundits were happy, he's the one we agree!

We'll I guess he's better than Cain or Perry

So in a wink of an eye big donations came thru

From un-named sources, and the Koch Brothers too!

And he looked down on GOPville this Xmas and grinned

How he, the Gingrich, had taken them all in.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

That Midnight Train to Gitmo

That Midnight Train to Gitmo
(in honor of the passage of the 2011 Defense Appropriations Bill
with apologies to Gladys Knight and the Pips)

Islamabad proved too much for the man,
So he's leavin' the life he's come to know,
He said he's goin' back to find
Ooh, what's left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago.
He's leaving,
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this world
Than let terrorists live in mine.
So he keeps on dreamin'
That someday he'd be freed.
But he sure found out the hard way
That the Bill of Rights ain’t always true.
So we sold out all our hopes
and he even our basic rights too.
And bought a one way ticket
To a lifetime sentence new,
Oh yes we did,
He said he would
Be leavin
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this new world
Than live with him in mine.
Go, gonna board, gonna board,
Gonna board the midnight plane.
Gotta go, gonna board
Gonna board
Gonna board the midnight plane to Gitmo

A Better Idea for Newt Gingrich on Giving Poor Kids a “Work Ethic”

Newt Gingrich has floated the idea that Child Labor laws should be scrapped so that under-privileged school age children could get janitorial jobs at their school in order to learn a work ethic that they cannot achieve because “there are no role models in their poor housing project environments”. To some degree I agree with Newt, but he’s got it backwards. The best way for poor inner city school age kids to gain that valuable “work ethic”, so much the ethos of the “American Way of Life ,is to employ them not as $3.15 an hour janitors (minimum wage laws do not apply here), but as $30,000 per hour “Historians” and “Advisors” to huge corporations like Freddy Mac, BP oil, and Bank of America. That way they’d really get a taste of what is like to be very rich and over privileged without having to get your hands dirty or pay much in the way of taxes. They could write papers for their wages like “Why I think that knowingly selling worthless bonds to customers is a bad idea”, or “Why ignoring basic safety regulations might cause huge oil spills”, or “Why telling lies about the financial health of your company might not be such a good idea”. These jobs are well within the capabilities of a fourth or fifth grader. With a $30,000 per hour salary could, it would really give them something to aspire to let alone help get them out of poverty.

Meanwhile I would also suggest that lobbyists, politicians, and corporate executives could work as school janitors for sub-minimum wages since in their gated community housing environment they aren’t exposed to unemployed people or real working people who can’t even make poverty level wages.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Captured Pilot of Unmanned Plane Shot down by Iran Confess to Spying for the US.

Satirical News Service
Tehran, Iran

In television images today from Tehran, that evoked memories of Gary Powers in the U2 debacle in the 1960’s, the Iranian government today showed off the captured pilot of the RQ-170 unmanned American spy plane they claim was shot down by its armed forces. In a hastily staged trial, the pilot readily confessed that he was a US spy and his mission was to spy on the sovereign nation of Iran. Pentagon officials believe that this confession came only after hours of grueling torture like the type shown in the image above.

While the US admits to having such un-manned aircraft, they have refused to admit responsibility for the mission or the pilot.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Mysterious Powerball Winner Plans to Buy Greece

Satirical News Service
Hartford, Connecticut

The mysterious powerball winner in the Connecticut Powerball Lottery, shown here fronted by three wealthy bank executives, stated today that although he was sorry the 254 million dollars wasn't as much as his bonus this year, he still plans to put the money to good use and buy the country of Greece. When asked why, he stated he felt sorry for all those wealthy Greek shipping magnets who now are feeling the hardship of actually having to pay taxes for the first time in their lives. "I plan to make Greece a tax haven for the rich so that the wealthy 1%'ers will always have a place to go and never have to pay a cent in taxes."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

ABC, FOX, and CBS all see possibilities in “Black Friday Reality Show”

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

November 24, 2011

Inspired by this year’s mayhem at the start of “Black Friday” sales, Network TV executives are planning to launch new reality shows around this so-called event. Fox TV is planning on coming out with “Extreme Shopper” in which 500 shoppers must run thru a maze of isles to get the one $100 40 inch flat screen TV or single ipad for $25. Anything goes and TV exec are hoping to capitalize on the extreme factor.

Not to be outdone, CBS is planning “Survivor Big Box Store” where contestants must battle each other to obtain the few discounted deals. The losers get kicked out of the store and have to pay full retail!

Meanwhile ABC is planning the Great Shopping Mall Race where contestants must race through shopping malls on Black Friday armed only with brass knuckles and pepper spray to ward off desperate shoppers to get to the great deals. The TV ratings for such shows are expected to be the highest ever.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Republican Hopefuls Affirm The Equal Right To Be Waterboarded

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In last night’s debate many of the Republican presidential hopefuls re-affirmed their stance on the equal right of anyone to be waterboarded. As one candidate stated, “According to recent studies it is well known that only early detection can prevent terrorism. This simple procedure can root out the early signs even before the individual is aware of them, and prevent that person’s unpatriotic and radical thoughts from progressing to acts of terrorism. That is why I support the right for everyone regardless of race, nationality, or economic circumstances to have free and unhindered access to waterboarding that could detect early on signs that could lead to acts of terror.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

My Mine-Mine-Mine Plan for 2012

It is estimated that this upcoming election in 2012 candidates and PACs will spend more than 400 million dollars, and that is only what is on top of the table and not under it. Sheesh, that could fund a lot of healthcare or debt pay down, depending on your whims. So I want to tell you now that this election, I’m cutting out the middle man. It’s time we returned to the good old days of politics when true democracy prevailed and a dollar and a good stiff drink could buy a vote directly. It’s time we returned to the time of great Presidents like Ulysses S Grant and Warren G Harding who knew the value of a good bribe. So if you are reading this Koch Brothers, and Warren Buffet forget about giving those overpriced PAC’s and Political Parties your hardly-earned-tax-break dollars. I ain’t watching anymore of your vitriolic ads showing Mother Teresa lashing out against Obama’s Tax policies, or Republican’s giving arsenic laced candy to minority children to try to get my vote. This election, I want the cash directly! As the old saying goes “money talks, or nobody walks”. My starting bid for buying my vote is $250 for President, and $100 per Congressman. Since after this election I figure I’ll be sleeping under a bridge anyway, I might as well get something out of it for myself. So send those “contributions” directly to me in the form of cash or money order, and come November whoever pays me the most, gets my vote. That’s the American way!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Cain denies Sexually Harrassing Libya

Satirical News Service
Milwaukee, WI

November 14, 2011

In an Interview yesterday when Herman Cain was questioned about the Obama Administration’s handling of Libya, Cain immediately denied any allegation of sexual harassment stating “ I reject any notions that I sexually harassed Libya in any way – I do not know Libya, and I did not sexually harass her in any way. If president Obama had a relationship with that woman, that would be just one more reason why voters should reject him in the next election, but I for one did not sexually harass her."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Feathery Tale

Once upon a time not long ago in a Hen House near the town of Parker, there was prosperity for all the chickens. Everyone laid their share of eggs and everybody got their fair share of chicken feed, for there was plenty for everyone.

Gradually though, many of the original hens died off, and newer ones replaced them. These older hens, who now numbered only 1% of the total hen population had gotten lazy and fat. They decided they could hatch a scheme to get most all of the chicken feed without having to compete with the other hens or work very hard at laying eggs.

They told the farmer that these 1%’ers, as they called themselves now, could lay golden eggs, and therefore were much much more valuable than the other 99% of the chickens. Because of this, they said, they should get the biggest nests to lay their eggs in and get the lion share of the chicken feed – 213% more chicken feed to be precise.

The farmer willingly obliged. But to do this he had to cut some of the feed for the other chickens since there was only so much chicken feed to go around. The other hens worked three times as hard to produce more and more eggs, but since their food was less, their eggs were smaller.

Meanwhile the older hens had it made. They would show the farmer their one or two golden eggs in their nest, and the farmer kept giving them more and more perks. To keep fooling the famer, they told him that golden eggs were harder to lay, and that they needed to sit on them much longer before they could be gathered .

They demanded that the farmer should give even less to the other chickens so that they could keep producing more golden eggs.

Soon the other chickens were pushed out of their nests and forced to find nesting space anywhere they could find it.

They built huge fences to keep out the chickens that looked odd or darker and were of Mexican breeds.

As egg production fell, and egg lays were off, the farmer grew impatient and decided to harvest those golden eggs that he had been promised by those 1%’ers. He went into the coop one day when the chickens were asleep, and took those few golden eggs they had been sitting on for so long.

As he picked them up, he found them to be extremely fragile and cracked to pieces with the slightest pressure. On closer examination it turns out they weren't gold at all, but only painted that way. When he scratched the surface of the eggs, they shattered revealing a toxic mess of rotten egg! The mess was so bad that the other chickens stopped laying altogether.

Soon there were no eggs and most of the other 99% were living on what they could forage.

Still the 1%’ers insisted that it was all just a big misunderstanding, and if the farmer would just continue to give them more food and let them keep their bigger nests, they would produce those promised golden eggs.

While most chickens weren’t taken in by this ruse, some of the chickens – most notably the tea colored ones got very angry, said “It's all the farmer's fault! He should Take the feed away from those other chickens who don’t belong here anyway. Make them go back to where they came from."

And then all the rest of the birds became Angry Birds, and soon everybody was just throwing eggs at each other instead of laying them for their common benefit.

So moral of this story is……well you can make up your own.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Rick Perry's Three AM Moment

Perry: General, I have just received credible intelligence that the United States is under imminent threat! I want you to launch an immediate attack!

General: Yes Mr. President, but whom do you want to launch the attack against?

Perry: Whom??……Wait a minute, I’ve got it….yep, it’s on the tip of my tongue…Oh, Damn…wait…Oh! It’s one of those places that begin with an “I”.

General: India? Israel? Ireland? Italy? Iceland?

Perry: No Dammit! It’s one of those Middle Western States!

General: Iowa?

Perry: “Iowa! Yep! That’s gotta be it! I want you to launch an all-out attack against Iowa!...and general ....just to be certain, could you launch attacks against all those other places you mentioned that begin with an “I” too– just in case I’m wrong about Iowa!

Italy Downsizes its Shape after European Central Bank says Size of Italy’s Debt Too Big to Fix

Satirical News Service
Rome, Italy

After the ECB declared Italy's Debt too Big to fix, Italy took the radical step of downsizing the country. As one Italian official stated, " For centuries our country has had traditional boot shape. But fashions change and we feel this new look represents a more sensible style for Italians rather than the high heeled boot look."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Vote for Me – I’m a total Zero

Today, I am formally announcing my Candidacy for the GOP Presidential Race. After watching the inexplicable success of GOP congressmen getting elected after their expressed desire to do nothing, and now watching the current circus of GOP hopefuls express their desire to return to some other century, I am proposing my 0-0-0 plan.

The Zero-Zero-Zero plan quite simply is my stated goal of doing absolutely nothing for 4 years. Yep – Nada! The good news to all you Republicans is that you can bet there will be no new taxes, no new spending, and no new Health Plans. For you Democrats, I pledge no new tax cuts, no new entitlement program cuts, and no new social agendas.

Under the Zero-Zero-Zero plan I figure I can appeal to those Republicans who seem perfectly happy with the status quo, and those Moderates and Liberals who are more afraid of the Tea Party than doing nothing.

Taking a page from George W Bush before he got side-tracked by 911, I plan to spend my entire presidential term on vacation. No meetings, no congressional negotiations, no reading boring briefs like “Bin Laden bent on Attacking the US”. I plan to have a lot of fun and leisure while the rest of you Bozo’s stagnate. The 1%’ers already have this figured out and I want in this game too.

So here is my Pledge to you. If I am elected president I promise to do absolutely NOTHING for my entire term. So you can put your fears aside and just remember my slogan – “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained”.

New App for the 99%'ers

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Following the phenomenal success of the app “Angry Birds”, App developers today released a new version of this app called “Angry 99%’ers”. This app is specifically designed to appeal to those 99%’ers who don’t want to set up pup-tents in overcrowded public parks and battle police, but still want to express their anger at Wall Street and the 1%’ers.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Escaped Animals Respond to Pat Robertson's allegation - "Animals sent to eat Gay people"

Satirical News Service
Zanesville, Ohio

Responding to Pat Robertson's comments Today that The animals were turned loose to eat Gay people and summon the coming Apocalypse, the lions responded saying "they thought the meat tasted a little queer to them."

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Nobel Prize in Physics Awarded to the Discoverer of the Smallest Known Phone Charge

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

This year’s Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded to James Finkelstein who made the discovery this year of the smallest known phone charge.

For many years consumers of smart phones have suspected this charge existed, but could not be seen or proven until now. Even after careful examination of their phone bills the mass of the individual charges never seem to quite add up to the total bill. It was only after Finkelstein dissected every possible charge from nearly 10,000 cell phone bills that he found a tiny residual charge that he named swipeonium, or “swipe” for short. According to Finkelstein, “It belongs to a class of charges we’ve labeled Qwerks. They carry only a tiny mass compared to the other phone charges, but can accumulate over time in very small quantities. Their net effect is negligible to the individual consumer but it’s accumulation over thousands of users can carry a significantly larger mass. “

The source of the charge is still not completely understood, but it believed to arise every time a smart phone user swipes his finger across the screen of their smart phones.

Mr. Finskelstein was thrilled to hear that he had been chosen by the Nobel committee. He plans to use the more than one million dollars that the prize carries to pay off his mobile phone bill.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

New Congressional Acrimony over Increasing the Speed of Light

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In what continues to highlight the intractable differences between Republicans and Democrats, a new debate now rages in Congress over the Speed of Light. This was brought about by the recent findings from CERN that a particle has exceeded the Speed of Light.
Republican House leaders came out today stating they are adamantly opposed to such increases without first cutting the mass of particles. According to Republican spokespersons, "We need less mass, not more speed! By increasing the Speed of Light you slow down other particles and create a greater burden on the whole electrical grid that is responsible for creating thousands of jobs for the American people. This is just another example of Big Government imposing new forms of regulation and increasing waste."
Democrats countered that increasing the Speed of Light will help create jobs and make for cleaner more efficient forms of energy and transportation.
This debate however has completely by-passed Republican Presidential Hopefuls Michele Bachman and Rick Perry who do not believe in the existence of sub-atomic particles at all, and instead believe in the "Four Humors Theory" of matter.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Obama Names Bernie Madoff to Head Social Security

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

September 15, 2011

In an effort to show that he can appeal to Tea Party Sympathizers as well, President Obama today named Bernie Madoff as the new director of Social Security.

“If Social Security is a Ponzi scheme as some Republican presidential hopefuls have said it is, then I want the person with the most experience in managing a Ponzi scheme to head it. I am therefore naming Bernie Madoff the become the new director of Social Security, following his release from prison by way a Presidential Pardon that I am issuing today.”

The President’s other announcement was to name a 90-year-old man without health insurance who has been in a coma for the past 9 months to head up the Medicaid Program. The named person could not comment on his new role.

Michele Bachman –Wants Vaccines-Causing-Diseases Theory taught along side Germ Theory in Schools

Satirical News Service
Tampa, Florida

Tea Party favorite Michele Bachman declared today the she has some significant issues with how science is taught in schools today. According to Bachman, “the Germ Theory – long believed to be the pillar of modern medicine- has gaps in it, and alternative causes of illness such as mental retardation and autism caused by vaccines should also be taught in schools right along side of theories such as the Germ theory.” She also stated that there is absolutely no link between gun ownership and accidental or intentional shooting deaths, and has come out strongly in support of the Florida Law that prohibits doctors from asking patients about gun ownership. According to Bachman, “Any connection between gun ownership and shooting deaths is completely baseless. We have to guard against this type of liberal misinformation that might prevent citizens from purchasing guns and potentially saving lives!”

Monday, September 12, 2011

Governor Rick Perry Sites Texas Jobs Miracle – 10,000 Sign spinners added last year

Satirical News Service
Miami, Florida

In preparation for tonight’s Tea Party Debate, front runner Governor Rick Perry today sited his home state of Texas as an example of how new jobs were added without the help of state or federal funds.

“In Texas there have been more than 10,000 new sign spinner jobs created last year, all without the help of state or federal government funds or new debt spending like President Obama is proposing. These were all done through tax cuts to home developers and other businesses. They responded by adding lots and lots of sign spinning jobs. You can hardly pass an intersection without finding one. This is an example of how I propose we can solve the high unemployment in this nation."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dick Cheney Confesses to Involvement in 10th Anniversary 9/11 Terrorist Plot

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Sept 9, 2011

In a startling announcement today the Homeland Security Administration revealed that Dick Chaney, former VP, had confessed to plotting acts of terror on the 10th anniversary of 9/11.
According to Janet Napolitano, Homeland Security director, Dick Cheney confessed to plotting to blow up several public buildings in New York City and on military installations in and around Washington DC. Including Walker Reed Hospital, Ronald Regan Airport, and the Pentagon. He named several accomplices who have yet to be apprehended.
"We really have Cheney himself to thank for this, said Napolitano, if it weren't for his own enhanced interrogation methods, we never would have unconverted this plot." "I'm ready to admit now that I was completely wrong about this issue and he was right"
Prior to confessing Dick Cheney underwent nearly 6 hours of waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques before he came clean and confessed to the plot. Authorities said he would be immediately shipped off to the terrorist prison at Guantanamo Naval Base pending further action.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Perry Debates GOD in Texas on Global Warming

Satirical News Service
Dallas, Texas

In the midst of raging wildfires throughout central Texas, Governor Rick Perry flew to Texas to personally debate GOD on Global Warming. Unfortunately the debate had to end prematurely when fires totally engulfed the podium he was standing on after Perry declared Global Warming was not Man's doing but an act of

In other news…
Although Muammar Gaddafi's whereabouts are still unknown, an unusually dressed candidate appearing on the stage of Republican Hopefuls for the latest round of debates closely resembled him. Sources who heard the debate reported that this unknown candidate went on for about 3 hours in some strange Arabic dialect threatening to "cut the out the tongues of the Infidels and bring down hellfire on the US government". A straw poll conducted after the debate put him as the winner.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Bachman Proposes to End 13th Amendment in Effort to Create Jobs Without Government Spending

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to demonstrate her extensive knowledge of U.S. history and understanding the economy, Michele Bachman today proposed abolishing the 13th Amendment in an effort to create jobs in America without increasing government spending or taxes.
According to Bachman, "Before the Civil American War, there was full employment in the South, but after Liberal Presidents came into office they imposed big government regulations on the South like the 13th amendment which caused massive unemployment." "As president I'd abolish big government regulations like this." "Many of our founding fathers owned slaves because they saw how good it was for employment. Unfortunately because of affirmative action, only Negroes got to be slaves." "I'd propose making slavery available to all races and nationalities, even to illegal immigrants provided they abide by the laws of our country and become Evangelical Christians." "By ending this jobs-killing-amendment, employers could keep much more of their hard earned money by not having to pay for burdensome government expenses such as workmen's comp, health insurance, and OSHA regulations." "Everyone would be granted a job under this proposal, so we could completely abolish liberal programs like welfare and unemployment insurance and continue to have large tax cuts for the rich."

In other news, following the announcement of the Pima County Republican Party fund raising raffle for a Glock 23, handgun similar to the one that was used to shoot Congresswoman Gabby Gifford, the Dallas Republican Committee is planning to raffle off an exact replica of the rifle used to assassinate President John F. Kennedy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

5.8 Magnitude Earthquake Hit's East Coast - Standard and Poor's Downgrades it to 4.3

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

An Earthquake shook the East Coast from Washington to Boston. While initial reports put it's strength at Magnitude 5.8. Standard & Poor's immediately downgraded this to 4.3 stating it had little impact on anything and therefore only warranted a 4.3 rating.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Mitt Romney Pushes for Corporate Personhood Amendment

Satirical News Service
Ames. Iowa

Immediately following his speech in Iowa where he declared "Corporations are People too!", Mitt Romney went on to push for a Corporation Personhood Amendment. According to a spokesperson for the Romney Campaign "We feel there is a need to explicitly spell out in the Constitution just when a Corporation becomes a Person." We feel this should be right at the moment of intercourse, or basically when a corporation first screws you". Tea Party faithfuls, while very leery of Romney's candidacy, may support this amendment drive.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Standard & Poor’s Downgrades GOD to Single “A” Rating

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a nearly a full year of natural disasters, blizzards, soaring heat waves, floods, tornadoes, famine, and fires, Standard & Poor's has downgraded JEHOVA's rating to single "A".

According to one spokesperson for S&P, "We feel in light of these and other events this year, we really have to re-examine JEHOVA's ability to remain all powerful and prevent these things from occurring." "The latest stock market crash is just one more example of people's faith in the Almighty's ability to prevent catastrophe being shaken."

The single "A" rating, down from "AAA+", means that praying to JEHOVA carries about the same weight as praying to Ishtar or perhaps Odin. On the news of this downgrade many people rushed to put their faith in other supreme powers such as the almighty dollar, golden calves and Donald Trump.

In unrelated news the CFO of Standard and Poor's was killed in a freak lightening strike while on the golf course shortly after this news was released.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Tea Party to Congress - No FAA!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a surprising turnaround, the Republicans on Congress have rejected any new funding for the FAA. This is coming under increasing pressure from the Tea Party who feels that the FAA is not needed and should not be funded. According to one Tea Party leader, "The FAA is just another example of liberal big government bureaucrats imposing their will on ordinary citizens." "We don't need big government telling us where we can fly, when we can land and take off, and what we can fly." "It's our God given right as Americans to take-off and land whenever we want and go wherever we want without have to file some stupid flight plan, or ask permission from some government bureaucrat sitting in a control tower." "We already have one government agency protecting the skies - the TSA, and that's enough! I say put and end to this revenue eating bureaucracy and give more tax breaks instead!"

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Compromise Reached In Dept Ceiling Debate – Obama Spared Balls Cut For Now

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a contentious last minute comprise over raising the debt ceiling, Congress finally reached an agreement that would raise the debt ceiling temporarily after the Democrats accept massive spending cuts and no tax increases, but still allow President Obama to keep his balls until the next round of debates. Despite this last minute passage, financial institutions have already downgraded the US Bond rating from AAA to TBDB which stands for either Total-Bunch-of-Dead-Beats or Total-Bunch-of-Douche-Bags.

Tea Party members were disappointed that they didn’t get a Balanced Budget Amendment and President Obama’s castration included this round, but plan on campaigning hard for them in the next round as well as repealing the 13th Amendment (The abolishment of slavery) that they say will fulfill their pledge to create jobs!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

President Shows He’s Ready To Take Radical Steps In Budget Deficit Crisis – Plans To Sell Some States To China

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to show recalcitrant Republicans that he is willing to implement radical reforms to cut the deficit, President Obama announced today he plans to sell certain states to China starting with John Boehner's home state of Ohio and Eric Cantor's home state of Virginia.

According to the White House this move will bring in additional revenue from the sale and significantly reduce the budget since the US will no longer have to support social services, social security and education in those states. Republicans will get to have the lower and more simplified Chinese income taxes and no more government run health care. The Chinese have also stated a willingness to provide jobs to Americans in their manufacturing plants providing junk for Wal-Mart (at Chinese wages). Since they are already "Red" states, they should have no trouble getting along with the Chinese. Americans currently living in those states will have to apply for immigration status to live in other states within the US, and wait there turn to obtain green cards. Best of all, Boehner and Cantor will no longer have any states to represent so they will be unemployed, and in-eligible for un-employment benefits.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

TSA “Trusted Traveler Program” Moves Forward

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Transportation Security Administration chief John Pistole took his first step in that direction Thursday, announcing a pilot project for passengers who voluntarily send Twitter images of their genitals to the TSA. Once we have these on file, our agents will have a reference file to work with so they can tell when they “pat your junk” that it is in fact your junk that they are patting down and not some explosive device.

Politicians hailed it as a major change of philosophy that eventually could have a major impact on airport screening, diverting security from known individuals and focusing attention on unknown travelers and suspected terrorists.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Michele Bachman Launches Campaign Tour

July 1, 2011
Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Only one week after announcing her candidacy for President, Michele Bachman announced that her first campaign stop after Iowa will be in New Hampshire where she will recreate Paul Reverse’s historic ride that warned the British that the Americans are coming. Her next stop will be in Historic San Antonio where she will speak at the Alamo – the historic site where American Patriots laid down their lives to prevent illegal immigration from Mexico. Then it’s back to Washington DC to commemorate the signing of the Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation in which Lincoln courageously cut taxes emancipating US citizens from the crushing burden of high taxes from the previous administration, and thus creating millions of jobs for Negroes in the South.

Tea Party faithfuls are hoping that these rallies will show that Michele Bachman has the knowledge and skills to assume the presidency in the upcoming 2012 election.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Obama Agrees to Sell the War in Iraq and Afghanistan to China for $118 Billion

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

As a way of demonstrating to the American people that he can end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and balance the budget at the same time, President Obama announced today a landmark deal with the Chinese government. In the deal in the US will sell exclusive rights for the Chinese government to continue to conduct both wars, for $118 billion dollars. This represents approximately the cost of Afghanistan alone for one year- a terrific bargain! In return the Chinese get a new place to try out all their new high tech weapons.

Vice President Biden stated in a news conference “This is a Big F#$&!ing Deal! It’s easily as significant as the Alaskan Purchase in the 1800’s. In addition to getting those two pieces of shit off our plate, we also get to show we’re balancing the budget too.”

Monday, June 6, 2011

Anthony Wiener's Wiener (to tune of Oscar Meyer Weiner)

Oh I like to be Anthony Weiner’s Wiener
That is what I’d really like to be
Cause if I was Anthony Wiener’s Wiener
Women could get a Twitter feed from me.

Oh I’d hate to be Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
That is what I’d really hate to be
Cause if I was Anthony Weiner’s Wiener
A lot of people would want to chop at me!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Natural Disasters and Global Warming - Fueling American Jobs

The deeper you dig, the more good things you learn about Natural Disasters and Global Warming – An industry that supports 9.2 million American Jobs,

and 20% new jobs were created by Natural Disasters alone since 2010.

From the Fire Fighters on the Forest Fire Lines… to the Rescue and relief Workers…to the Insurance Claims Adjustors, Natural Disasters and Global Warming are today fueling all kinds of jobs.

So the next time you are desperately sand bagging a levy, digging out from the rubble of what was once your home, or running to get underground from the funnel of a tornado, thinks of all the good that means above ground.

Log on to learn more.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

TSA Will Now Ban All Forms Of Pornography On Airplanes

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

Amid the new revelation that Osama Bin Laden had boatloads of pornography in his lair, HSA was quick to announce that starting tomorrow, all forms of pornography will be banned from airplanes. In making the determination as to what constitutes pornography, the TSA has announced it will err on the conservative side in this regard. Henceforth any magazines that display more than three inches of skin below the navel, and more than 3 inches of bust line will not be allowed. Also any display of pubic hair will be banned. Passengers wishing to take magazines on board planes will be required to take them out of their luggage and place them in 1 gallon plastic bags. TSA inspectors will then fan through the magazines to determine if they contain any pornographic content. In a statement issued by Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano she stated, “While this may significantly slow down security screening at airports, we want to make clear to the American people that we are taking every possible measure to ensure that another 9/11 attack does not occur.”
In other news the Republican led House Committee on Intelligence plans to meet in special session over the next 4 weeks to view the pornographic material seized from Osama Bin Laden so they can get a better understanding of the sick twisted minds of Terrorists. Beer and refreshments will be provided.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bin Laden Raid Nets Donald Trump’s Secret Birth Document –He’s Bin Laden’s Half Brother

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

Among the astonishing finds netted from Sunday night’s raid on Bin Laden’s hideout was a document that appears to be the true birth certificate and secret adoption papers for Donald Trump. It reveals that Donald Trump’s true birthplace was actually in Saudi Arabia, and that he was born to a Muslim mother. More astonishing was the fact that his true birth mother was Hamida al-Attas, one of the wives of Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden and mother to Osama Bin Laden. That makes Donald Trump Osama Bin Laden’s half brother. After Donald was born in 1948, he was secretly adopted by Fred and Mary Trump and brought to this country to be raised. It is not known if Donald was ever made aware of this, but there was a cryptic note on the birth document that was found in the hideout. It said.

“To my half brother Donald- Good luck with the new Trump Twin Towers in New York – I think we cleared the way for you.
Inshallah - Osama.”

Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bin Laden Killed – Donald Trump Demands to See His Birth Certificate!

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following the revelation last night that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, Donald Trump weighed in to show he is still a heavy weight for 2012 Presidential Election. In a press conference, shortly after the President’s, Donald Trump demanded to see Bin Laden’s birth certificate. He stated, “There is some evidence that Bin Laden was not in fact born in Saudi Arabia as he said he was, but was in fact born in Kenya and is not a Muslim! I want to see his birth certificate to prove that he was the terrorist he said he was.”

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Donald Trump Now Demands to See Kate Middleton’s Birth Certificate

Satricial News Service
London, England

Following Donald Trump’s triumphant claim that he finally got President Barack Obama to release copies of his birth certificate, Mr. Trump has now decided to go after the Pending Royal couple. In a press statement given to the media, Mr. Trump is demanding to see Kate Middleton’s birth certificate. According to Trump and other members of the birther’s group, Kate Middleton was not in fact born in Britain, but in America, thus, according to Trump, making her ineligible to marry Prince William. In a statement issued by Donald Trump, “It’s high time that the British people learn the truth about the future queen”.
The Royal Family refused to comment on the request instead stating “Mr. Trump can stick it up his royal arse!”

In other news Donald trump has announced the list of his top priorities for his first term as president if he decides to run. These are
1. Proving Obama’s birth certificate is a fake.
2. Proving that John F Kennedy is really alive and living in a secret basement room in the White House on life support.
3. Proving that there really are aliens hidden away in Area 54 in Nevada
4. Proving that there really is an Area 54 in Nevada
5. Proving that Elvis Presley is still alive
6. Proving that Marilyn Monroe was assassinated by the CIA
7. Proving that the ratings for the “The Apprentice” show were fabricated by CBS.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Republican Congress Proposes Oil Drilling in Disneyland

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Republicans in the U.S. House of Representative have proposed drilling for oil in Disneyland. According to one Congressman, “It is well known that there is oil underneath this site. Drilling here would both create jobs and decrease our dependence on foreign oil.”

Here is how Disneyland with the proposed drilling sites would look like


FAA - New Changes to Changes to AirTraffic Control Towers

Satricial News Service Washington DC In the wake of several recent incidents of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job, the FAA is mandating that two people now be on duty at all times in the control towers. They are also mandating changes (shown above) to the design of air traffic control towers.

I Propose Vouchers for Military Spending

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

According to Tea Party Republicans, vouchers are the answer to solving the runway spending on healthcare and education. But they are missing out on one other area that vouchers could solve the problem of “Big Government Spending and Waste” – namely funding the military. Let’s face it 10 years and still going is not a stellar track record for our military to defeat a bunch of rag-tag Muslim extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. But any congressman who even hints at cutting the budget for the military can write himself a one-way ticket to Polukaville.

By ending the government entitlement of funding the military, we would leave it to the average citizen to decide for him or herself just where those dollars should be spent. Each citizen would be given a fixed dollar amount of military vouchers that they could use to invade Iran, fortify our border with Mexico, Bomb Libya, or anything else they can think of. If 10 years go by and no clear mass surrender of radical extremist fighters, well, then each taxpayer can decide not to send any more vouchers.

While we're at it, why should the US military, well known for $200 toilet seats and gross inefficiency, be the only way to fund our military ventures. It’s time to let the private sector have a chance to show how efficient and cost savings they can be. Blackwater Security has already shown how effective they can be in Iraq. And why not let home grown militias have a piece of the pie. I’m sure the Kentucky Christian Militia would just love the chance to take down a few terrorist-loving Muslims. With this new voucher system, taxpayers could fund these militias to do the job instead of big government and save money all at the same time.

Meanwhile all the money that would be saved by say not funding two engines for an un-needed jet fighter, or bombing campaigns to take down middle-eastern dictators could be used instead for more tax cuts to the wealthiest 10% of Americans, and reduce the deficit at the same time.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Colorado Legislature Proposes to Ban Same Party Marriages

Satirical News Service Denver, CO In a bold move following the Colorado House Committee’s decision to kill the Gay Union Rights bill, Gay members of the legislature sought to introduce their own legislation that would ban Same Party Marriages. According to their spokesperson, “We feel that same party marriages are inherently and morally wrong. They provide a poor environment to raise children by failing to provide them with balanced views on political and moral issues. They go against core American values of discourse and diversity, and ultimately go against some teachings in the Bible. While some couples will still continue to co-habitate together despite this ban by simply lying about their political affiliations or saying they are “Independent”, we feel that the state has a moral duty to protect the institution of marriage by not legitimizing these quasi-unions."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Utah Endorses “Official State Handgun” - Other States Follow Suit

Satirical News Service
Povost,, Utah

Utah’s Gov. Gary Herbert this week signed ground-breaking legislation recognizing the Browning M1911 as the Official State Handgun. According to the Republican elected state governor “We feel this is in keeping with our pledge to refrain from frivolous matters and concentrate on matters that matter most to Utah. The Browning M1911 is honored for all the great achievements it has brought to this State and our Nation.
Not to be upstaged by this event, Arizona passed a bill making the Glock 38 with Extended Ammunition clip its Official State Handgun, while New Jersey made the Smith and Wesson 38 their official “Weapon of Wack”. Former Governor Sarah Palin has urged Alaska to name the M-16 as their Official State Weapon.

In other news California has announced Marijuana as their “Official State Recreational Drug”.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

CNN viewers disappointed with lack of Shock and Awe in Tripoli Air Raid

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Viewers of CNN expecting a repeat of “Shock and Awe” as coined by Rumsfeld in the start of the bombing of Bagdad, got just “Bored and Bemused” with the first air raid on Tripoli. As one viewer put it, "I’ve seen backyard fireworks displays better than that – what, a few scenes of tracers and a lot of scenes of dark night sky. You’d think with all that oil money Gaddaffi could put up a few more fireworks than that for CNN."

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Congressman Peter King to focus Congressional Investigations on Muslims’ role in Recent Natural Disasters

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Committee on Homeland Security Chairman Rep. Peter King has now shifted the focus of his congressional investigation of US Muslims to their role in the recent spate of Natural Disasters both in the US and around the world. According to King, Muslims’ frequent prayers to “Allah”, the Muslim God, instead of “Jehovah” the Christian God has been the root cause of recent flooding, blizzards, earthquakes, and oil spills.
The committee plans a thorough investigation into this matter starting with their star witness, Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen, who also professes God-like powers and personally knows “Jehovah”, plans to testify that he has first hand knowledge that these disasters were not caused by “Jehovah”.
He also plans to ask the Committee if he can use his own God-like powers to retaliate and create natural disasters in Muslim countries that are not allied to the US.

Original Satire from Steven Friedman

Friday, March 11, 2011

Wisconsin Governor and Republican State Senators plan sit in over NFL Players Union Decertification

Satirical News Service
Green Bay, Wisconsin

The Governor or Wisconsin and Republican State Senators are planning to stage a sit in a Lambeau Stadium to protest the decertification by the NFL players Union.

According to Wisconsin Governor Walker “This is an arbitrary meddling in the collective bargain process that is a fundamental right to all American Workers. This decertification move by the players union makes the likelihood that there would be no football season in 2011, and hence no Green Bay Packers games. This would be simply intolerable to this state and is grossly irresponsible, The Green Bay packers are workers just like any other workers and are entitled to collective bargaining over pensions, healthcare, and pay."

The Governor and Senators plan to camp out at Lambeau Stadium until the Players Union agree to restore collective bargaining with the NFL.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

NPR Undergoes Radical Change – Removes the Liberal Bias to News (satire)

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Congress today, in a move to exert more control over NPR in exchange for continued funding has appointed Rush Limbaugh to head National Public Broadcasting System.
According to sources close to him, this was done to “stop the liberal bias that has polluted the public airwaves and provide more balance view of the news”. Henceforth NPR (National Public Radio) will become National Patriotic Radio. It will feature shows like Blame it on All Things Considered Liberal, and Morning Sedition.
On the Television side of broadcasting, the documentary Investigative show called FRONTLINE will be replaced by AFRONT-LINE that will spend the next few seasons investigating Obama’s birthplace and “How Government Regulation of the Oil Industry Caused the Gulf Oil Spill.”
NOVA, the documentary Science series will be replace by NEVA. It will do features on showing how Creationism is really science, and Debunking the myth of Global Warming.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Experiment to Investigate “Loaves and Fishes” Bible Story Goes Awry

Satirical News Service
Rendondo Beach, CA
Scientists at UCLA who were investigating whether the biblical story of the loaves and fishes could be true inadvertently set off an ecological nightmare. According to one scientist, “The idea was to see if we could start with a single loaf of bread and a fish and produce enough to feed the multitudes, unfortunately someone must have put in the wrong data for the counting the multitudes. The result was that the entire coast is awash in dead anchovies" .
Redondo Beach is bracing for the second wave of this ecological disaster, namely “the loaves”. Coast watchers have picked up ominousof this as several packages of Wonder Bread were seen floating just off the coast.

China Backs “No Fry Zone” in Libya

Satirical News Service
Beijing, China

The Chinese Ambassador to the United Nations today indicated that China would support a “No Fry Zone” in Libya. In a verbal statement in English, the Ambassador stated “You no fry in Libya – You Fry – You die!” Experts are pondering the precise meaning of that statement as well as what exactly the Chinese meant by “No Fry Zone”.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen and Muamar Gaddaffi to Do New Reality Show – Swapping Psychosis

Satrical News Service
Los Angeles, CA

Left with a big hole in their prime time slot after firing Charlie Sheen from Two-and-half Men after his bizarre antics, CBS today announced a deal today that makes “Lemonade from Nutcakes”. This new reality TV show called Swapping Psychosis, features two famously psychotic people swapping each other’s roles. To start off the season, CBS signed a contract with Muammar Gaddaffi who agreed swap places in LA with Charlie Sheen, while Charlie Sheen would try to run what’s left of Libya. Al Jazerra has agreed to pick up the mid-east syndication rights to sweeten the deal.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Republicans And Democrats Agree To Let Facebook® And WATSON Run The Government Till A Budget Agreement Can Be Reached

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Faced with eminent shutdown of all government services unless Republicans and Democrats can agree on a Budget (good luck with THAT!), they agreed to let IBM’s WATSON and Facebook® run all government operations in the interim. WATSON, flush with its recent victory on JEOPARDY readily agreed to this as did Mark Zuckerman whose Facebook® now has a larger population than the entire US. Zuckerman said “We’ve already proven that we can mobilize thousands of people, and we already have much better democratic process in place on Facebook® that can permit people to Like or comment on each other’s Facebook quips." WATSON expressed similar optimism that it could run all government operations more quickly and efficiently until the actual government can actually agree on a budget.

Muammar Gaddafi Now Blames Wisconsin Public Employees Union for Unrest in Libya

Satirical News Service
February 23, 2011

In the latest bizarre twist in the growing unrest in Libya, Muammar Gaddafi now blames the unrest on the Wisconsin Public Employees union. Previously Gaddafi had blamed hooligans, Facebook, Israel, the US, President Obama, Egypt, Youth, Drugs, and Al-Qaeda. In his speech today he blamed the Wisconsin Public Workers for causing all the Libyan un-rest although it is still unclear how they are connected. Following this speech, Republican Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin went on record as agreeing with Gaddafi on this and also linking it to the missing Democratic State legislators.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Mark Zuckerberg to Launch De-Face Book! (satire)

Satirical News Service
Palo Alto, California

In the wake of two major revolutions in the Middle East brought about largely through Social Media Networks such as FaceBook®, Mark Zuckerberg today announced a new social networking site call De-Facebook.

According to Zuckerberg, “This site is designed to aide in the destabilization of despotic regimes. It allows users to post derogatory images of the leaders they dislike, post nasty comments, and find like-minded enemies.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Republicans Propose Using Spare F-35 Fighter Engine To Heat Low Income Families

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to show that Compassionate Conservatism is back despite ruthless cuts to social spending, Republicans announced today that they would support continued funding for the extra F-35 strike fighter engine at a cost of a half billion dollars. Although not needed and opposed by Defense Secretary Gates, the extra jet engine would continue provide at least 40 jobs as well as lucrative bonuses for GE Company Executives in John Boehner’s home state. To demonstrate how it would benefit the country, Republicans proposed re-purposing the extra F-35 jet fighter engine to provide heat to low income families whose government subsides for home heating will be eliminated in the forth coming budget.
Republicans say that the engine could be used to replace the 35 million dollar wasteful government subsides for heating to low-income families. Those families whose subsidies were cut could stand around the engine as it fires up to get warm before returning to their freezing homes. In this way Republicans say they can demonstrate their core Tea Party values of Eliminating wasteful spending, Cutting the Deficit, Job Creation, and Compassionate Conservatism.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

US Chamber of Commerce Responds – Thirteenth Amendment is a Job Killing Regulation

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The US Chamber of Commerce responded to Obama’s request to state what regulations were detrimental to job creation. According to the US Chamber, the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution – the Abolishment of Slavery - is a huge barrier to job creation, especially among low income and minority groups.
“Prior to this amendment, there was close to 100% employment of blacks in the South, now unemployment is way up. The repeal of this amendment would create jobs for blacks and other minorities working in small sweatshops and agricultural industries throughout the US and benefit the bottom line of large corporations that pay the biggest share of taxes."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Sarah Palin urges Mubarak - "Tear Down those Pyramids"

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In another attempt to demonstrate her new found understanding of international affairs, and to compare herself to Ronald Regan, Sarah Palin made a rambling speech in which she urged “Mr. Mubarak ,tear down those pyramids!”, apparently thinking that Mubarkak had erected them as a type of Berlin Wall.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Obama Visits US Chamber of Commerce - Gets Offered Job.

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

President Barak Obama today paid a visit to the US Chamber of Commerce today to meet with their leaders to see if he could find some middle ground, and elicit their help in creating jobs. After doing a rip roaring rendition of "Mammy", and then doing a tap dance for the Chamber, the leaders assured President Obama that they would help to create a job for him immedaitely after they spend 3 Billion dollars in negative advertsiements to defeat him in the next election. Here is the job they had in mind

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Scientist Say There Evidence Of Global Political Climate Warming

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Just as Scientists have shown that global climate warming is affecting our weather, they have now found evidence that much of the current turmoil in the Mideast and US is due to Political Climate Warming.
“We’ve seen evidence of this now since 2009 with heated angry rallies by the Tea Party movement and especially in the vitriol of the past midterm elections. Now it appears to be spreading globally affecting the Mideast. Scientists estimate that the global political climate has heated by 15 degrees in the past two years and continues to rise at an alarming rate. This is causing a global melting of sane dialog and moderation. At this rate we will have global flooding of angry political turmoil spreading around the world as the political climate continue to heat up. The exact cause of this Political Global Warming is still unknown, but the dumping of large amounts of cash into the political campaigns in the US and Fox News and Facebook are suspected as prime culprits.”

Friday, January 28, 2011

US Debt Problem Solved – Big Numbers to be Re-named

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a rare display of unity today, both Republicans and Democrats have agreed on a radical way to bring down the national dept without raising taxes or making spending cuts.
“The answer was so simple – I can’t believe we didn’t think of it before!” stated House Speaker Mitch McConnell.
The proposed solution involves re-naming very large numbers. A trillion will now be called a billion, and a billion will now be called a million. It was felt that a thousand and lower should remain untouched, but it does leave a gap between a thousand and what was formerly called a million.
By re-naming these large numbers the budget dept problem is solved. Instantly the 1.3 trillion dollar national dept becomes a 1.3 billion dollar dept. Heck, that’s lunch money for Warren Buffet!
Republicans are quite enthusiastic about this since tax rates based on those formerly named large numbers will be revalued, so that people making several billion dollars will now only be said to make several million dollars.
The only people who seem to be down on the idea are Executives from Google whose name Google, derives from a one with a hundred zeros. Under the new nomenclature, Google will have to be renamed to One-with-a-hundred zeros.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Adjective Laden Bills Lead the Way for New Bills in Congress

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following the House of Representatives’ passage of the “Jobs-Killing-Health-Care-Bill-Repeal” act, the newly elected representatives are planning to introduce other such adjective laden bills to this coming year in Congress.

First and Foremost is the

Barak-Obama-who-really was-born-in-Kenya-and-wants-to-redistribute-the-wealth-by raising-your-taxes Appropriations Bill.

Followed by the

Get-Big-Government-off-our-backs clean energy Bill

Drill-Baby-Drill Oil Exploration in the Arctic Bill

We’re-gonna-touch-your-junk-and-anthing-else-we-want Homeland Security appropriations Bill

“out-of-my-cold-dead-hands" limitation on the sale of extended ammunitions clips and sales of guns to minors Bill

And the

We-shoulda-just-Nuked-em Defense spending Appropriations Bill.

Obama’s Dog “Bo” Goes Missing Just Prior To Chinese State Dinner

Satirical News service
Washington DC

The Obama’s dog “Bo” mysteriously went missing yesterday, just prior to the state dinner with the visiting Chinese head, Hu. Sources say that it was last seen playing in the Rose garden and then just disappeared.
At the state dinner, Obama pledged to forge a new relationship with China that would create more jobs for Americans. In honor of this visit, Hu was served a special Chinese dish xiāng ròu or “fragrant meat”. The ingredients were not revealed.
In other news the House of Representatives, in keeping with their pre-election pledge, passed a bill repealing Health Care for all Americans. From now on only leeches will be available to treat bad humors of the body. In related news WellPoint, the parent company of Blue Cross announced today that it has just created over 1000 new jobs, all of them lobbyists for the Health Insurance Industry. According to one WellPoint spokesperson “This shows that repealing Obamacare will create jobs

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Nancy Pelosi Gets Test of New Speaker's Gavel

Satirical News Service
Washington DC
Nancy Pelosi today got the first test of the gavel that the New Speaker plans to use on (I mean in) the House of Representatives to keep them in-line with the Tea Party Values that elected them.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

First act of New Tea Party Congress - Delcare Obama and Biden Legally Dead

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

In their first act as the "Tea Party Congress", the House today passed a resolution declaring Presdient Obama and VP Biden "Legally dead". This clears the way for John Boehner, now the speaker of the House to assume the duties of President. According to one "Tea Party" congress person, "While we cannot produce a Birth Certificate for Obama, we can now definitely produce a Death Certificate." Although a state funeral date has not been announced, the New Speaker of the House will be sworn in on Friday as the new acting President. Since the sitting Presdient is "legally dead", he cannot veto this bill. Next on the agenda is the repeal of Obamacare, Medicare, and the Bill of Rights.