Outraged Fans Go To Ballparks to Watch Ballgames Without Players

Satirical News Service
Baltimore, MD

Baseball Fans today, outraged by the decision to let the Orioles play the Chicago White Sox in a Stadium without fans, retaliated by going to ballparks and attending ballgames without players. 

In LA and NY fans filled stadiums to near capacity just to eat hot dogs, drink beer, yell obscenities- all without a single baseball player on the field. As one NY fan put it “We don’t need those F****g C***ts on the field to have a good time. We can manage just fine on our own!”

FOX sports may soon be televising games without players like this on a regular basis, since it seemed to attract about the same amount of television viewers' attention, and cost a lot less.

Police Chiefs Nationwide Site Huge Problem of Black People Jumping In The Way Of Their Bullets

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A spokesperson for the FOP stated today that police departments nationwide are facing a huge problem of Black people jumping in the way of their bullets. “It seems a police officer can’t fire his gun anywhere anymore without some Black man or women getting right in the path of their bullets. We try to be as careful as we can when we shoot, but dang it, there seems to always be a Black person around who jumps out right in front of the bullet killing him. We can’t figure out why they keep doing it – maybe some kind of Superman thing. They don’t even seem content to do it for just one bullet either. Sometimes they’ll jump right in front of 10 or more. You’d really think they’d have better sense than that. But what else are our officers to do when they fire their pistols harmlessly at inanimate objects near fleeing suspects?”

GOP –Urgent Appeal To Find New Scandals To Link To Hillary Clinton

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

GOP chairman Reince Priebus went on national television this week to issue an urgent plea to any and all US citizens who might have knowledge of a scandal or wrong doing by Hillary Clinton to come forward.  As he stated in his speech, “This is the most precious resource that we have on this planet and we must not waste it. I am not speaking to you today as a Republican, or even as a US citizen, but as a moral standard bearer for the world. We simply cannot let these scandals go un-tapped and un-investigated. I am urging a crash program to uncover even the smallest misdemeanor by Hillary so that democracy may prevail in 2016. Our forthcoming campaign slogan for 2016 is going to be Remember Bengazi.”

All Republican Presidential Candidates Discovered to Have been Born in Kenya

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a blockbuster announcement today, government sources close to SNS have revealed the discovery of authentic birth certificates that reveal that not one, but all of the recently announced Republican candidates for the 2016 Presidential race were really born in Kenya.

Government sources surmised that Kenya had been running a “Baby Mill” for mothers in and out of wedlock to secretly give birth to their babies without anyone knowing about it to avoid scandal. The Kenyan government has now come clean about these births that have been going on since the 1940’s, and have produced documentation proving the authenticity of those real birth certificates. They show that Marcos Rubio, Rand Paul. Ted Cruz, and Jeb Bush were all actually born in Kenya, and therefore would be ineligible to be elected president of the USA. Sources for those candidates have refused to comment on these revelations at this time.

In other news, the State Department has announced a 1 billion dollar aid package to Kenya.

Empty Chair Still Polling Highest among both Democrats and Republicans

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Despite the recent announcements by Hillary Clinton, Marcus Rubio, and others to run for President in 2016, the Empty Chair, which featured prominently in the last GOP convention, is still polling 15 to 20 points higher among both Democrats and Republicans as the leading Candidate for president in 2016.