Times square New Year’s Ball Gets Stuck Midway

 

Satirical News Service
New York

In a bizarre ending to an already bizarre year, the Times Square New Year’s Ball that is dropped annually to ring in the New Year, got stuck this year midway down. Revelers who were watching  hoping to finally put this "anus horriblis" away for good were shocked and appalled.

Meanwhile, Trump Tweeted that this was a sign from GOD that he was the chosen one and that the results of the election should be overturned.

After some consternation, a hapless technician climbed up the pole to nudge the damn thing loose finally ringing in 2021.

Biden Seizes Mar a Lago in First Presidential Act and Turns it into a Homeless Shelter

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In his very first act as President, Joe Biden has issued an executive order seizing Trumps’ Mar a Lago Estate and Golf Course by eminent domain. He plans to turn them immediately into homeless shelters for people evicted or made homeless by his failure to sign the Coronavirus Relief package. The IRS has chimed in as well saying that after completing Trump’s audit he owes far more that he has assets and therefore is seizing any compensation for the seizure by the government.

A furious Trump was told of this as he was in route to Mar a Lago, and informed that upon landing he had nowhere to go.

Plans are being made by the army corps of engineers and contractors who were pulled off of the border wall project to erect a huge tent city on its golf course.

Biden stated afterward “I think I am starting to like being President”.

Trump Dumps Evangelicals: Now Favors Satanists

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington DC 

 

Furious that many of his Evangelical Christian supporters are disputing his false claims that he won the Presidential election by a landslide, and refusing to preach that the recent Christmas conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter signals that he is the new Messiah, Trump tweeted last night, 

“To Hell with all of you! I’m going to favor Satanists from now on. We’ll see how happy you’ll be when they get favorable school prayer rulings. To my new found Satanists friends, tell your master that I’m ready to make a deal!” 

New More Contagious Variant of Republicanism Discovered

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington, DC 

 

CDC officials have become increasingly alarmed at a new variant strain of Republicanism is gaining a foothold in the U S. This variant appears to be far more contagious and possibly virulent than earlier versions. According to the CDC it first was detected in October in small, isolated pockets of Republicans who steadfastly ignored health warnings by staging mass unmasked rallies mainly claiming that the election was going to be stolen by Democrats. By mid-November, cases skyrocketed infecting nearly 70 million people exclusively in the Republicans. It hit Congress especially hard with more than 116 members coming down with the strain. Efforts to control it through ballot recounts and court decisions do not appear to be successful in containing the spread. Researchers have identified patient zero, identified here only as DT to protect his identity. Unlike traditional Republicanism variants, this one seems to produce a mania in its victims. Early symptoms are the inability to distinguish truth from fiction and a complete inability to relate to facts. Once the victims become infected there appears almost no way to cure them. News outlets such as OAN and even Fox News appear to be super-spreaders of this variant. So far, the only hope to contain this is an inoculation of Democratic values that are currently in nationwide trials. One trial is currently underway in Georgia, and nationwide inoculations of this vaccine can begin as early as 2022. It is hoped that if it appears successful in Georgia, the CDC will approve it nationwide in 2022. 

Comedians Saddened by the Cancellation of The Donald Trump President Show in 2021

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Comedians across the USA were saddened to hear the announcement today that the US was officially canceling The Donald Trump President Show following its conclusion in 2020. They expressed regret for this action but his ratings just weren’t good enough to warrant continuing it. Late Night TV hosts such as Steven Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel both stated that they were saddened by this. In a Tweet, Steven Colbert stated, “Before Trump came along I was just a replacement for David Letterman.  Since Trump, I have become my own successful brand. I owe my success to him”.

While Trump’s agents state that he is actively trying to get a new show in 2024, they acknowledge that in show biz there are rarely good second acts.

Trump Issues Executive Order Making Trump University the Ultimate Decider of Presidential Elections

 

Satirical News Service
Washington. DC

After suffering defeat after defeat in the courts and now the Electoral College, Donald Trump today issued an Executive Order making Trump University the ultimate decider of Presidential elections.

“Everyone knows that Universities are higher in the academic chain than mere colleges because they possess superior academic standing and superior knowledge – especially when presented with clearly fraudulent voting results. Therefore today I have made Trump University the ultimate deciders in the 2020 election, and beyond."

Outgoing President Trump Signs Executive Order Giving Latino Americans a Pathway to Becoming Full Fledged White Americans

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In one of his last acts as President (until he is bodily hauled out of the oval office), President Trump today signed an Executive Order giving Latino Americans a pathway to becoming full-fledged White Americans. It will make it possible for them to join exclusive country clubs (like Mar-a-Lago), run for office in Republican-held districts, and bar other minorities from joining their clubs and special societies.

“I realize that for many of you that have achieved this status like Marco Rubio, it has been a long struggle. You’ve had to forget about your past discrimination and oppression in the countries you came from, and the sometimes harsh treatment you received in this country, to become fully-fledged White Americans with the inherent right to look down upon and discriminate against other minorities including other Latino coming from oppression and danger in their own countries. It took great effort to completely erase from memory the terror of crossing the sea from Cuba in rickety rafts to be picked up by benevolent Coast Guard boats offering you life and hope in a new country.  But having put that behind you now, you can join the rallying cries of your newly adopted White brethren  and yell “Build that Wall!”, ‘Separate those families’, ‘Lock up their kids”’, and ‘Send them back to the S**thole countries they came from’. This program will provide federal funding for skin-lightening, language accent elimination, and teaching theories of ‘trickle-down’ economics. Before long you’ll be joining the ranks of other White Americans and running as Republicans for high office.”

Hugo Chavez Considering Running Against Trump in 2024

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The Late Hugo Chavez, the ex-president of Venezuela, has announced he is planning to run against  Trump in the 2024 presidential election. We spoke to him via a “medium” who has had contact with a number of deceased leaders.

SN: Mr. Chavez does having been dead for more than 7 years at all hinder your ability to run let alone carry out the duties of President?

HC: Not at all. I just need to Tweet a lot and people think I’m doing a great job! I just won’t be able to play golf as much as Mr. Trump.

SN: Don’t you actually have to be a US citizen to run for President?

HC: Believe it or not I became a US Citizen during the Obama administration when I hacked into their computers and made myself one. I have all the paperwork to prove it too.

SN: How do you see yourself running your campaign from the grave?

HC: Actually I have to do very little campaigning at all since I’ve already hacked into your voting computer systems so winning is not a problem.  While I do have to make some appearances and hold rallies, my people are actively working with Disney on creating an animatronic version of me. They did such a great job on that one of Trump.

SN: What makes you think you’ll be attractive to US voters?

HC: I just let the Trump campaign paint me as a scathing socialist who will take away all their guns, give away their homes to minorities, destroy their suburbs, turn their sons and daughters gay, and ban going to church. There are a lot of people on both the Left and Right who would happily buy into all that crap. Besides, the thought of 4 more years of Trump, well…., what do they have to lose?

SN: Have you thought about a running mate?

HC: Actually I was thinking about Fidel Castro to be my VP.

Distant Relative Claims First US Election was Stolen From King George III

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A person claiming to be a long distant relative of King George III is claiming that the first election was stolen from his great ancestor by sinister forces led by Federalists with the help of the French. He claims that the Loyalists had actually won the election but the Federalists destroyed their votes. “Unfortunately we did not have the Supreme Court then to intervene, or right now you’d be drinking tea and talking with a different accent.” He is now demanding that the Supreme Court now overturn that election that made George Washington its first president and restore the original 13 colonies to Great Britain and return the crown to him, the rightful heir. He has hired Rudy Giuliani to represent him.

ANTIFA Hornets Captured in Attempt to Steal The 2020 Election

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 FBI has captured a large colony of Antifa Hornets very near polling places that President Trump lost votes at in the 2020 election. While the investigation is still on-going, officials in the Trump legal team state this offers conclusive proof that Antifa was instrumental in stealing votes from Trump and intimidating voters who would normally have voted for him. Trump tweeted this to his followers, “See I told you so!. This is POSITIVE PROOF that I WON THE REAL ELECTION! NO CONCESSIONS!”

Vladimir Putin Announces A “No Dictator Left Behind” Program

 

Satirical News Service
Moscow, Russia

After Donald Trump’s surprising loss despite efforts to suppress voters, hamstring the USPS, and try to strong-arm the courts into declaring the election a fraud, Vladimir Putin announced he was starting a new program to help struggling would-be dictators. 

The program is called “No Dictator Left Behind” and is designed to coach these struggling authoritarians like Trump and Alexander Lukashenko in more effective techniques to suppress voters and manipulate the election results. 

“We can’t afford to have a whole generation of dictators fail simply because they didn’t have the skills needed to ruthlessly and stealthily suppress any opposition”, said Putin. “We will be sending our tutors to personally assist these struggling dictators and devise specific programs to help them quash the opposition. Some of these will include How to use Novicek Without Getting Caught, Packing the Courts and Justice Department with Sworn lackeys, Making People Simply Disappear, and Using Social Media and Conspiracy Theories effectively. 

We certainly hope that with these interventions we can shape the world to our own liking."

Latest Letter to Donald Trump from Kim Jong Un

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Dearest Donald,

I am writing you once again to implore you to come and live with me here in Pyongyang. The American people do not deserve as just and great a leader as yourself. We are so much alike! You say you can grab all the pussy you like because you are famous. Me too! You say you can stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and still the people would love you. I have shot thousands of people – right in the capital, and the people still love me! You want to have Hunter Biden put in jail. I would execute him and all of his family and friends! They mock you because of your small hands and weird hairdo, but no one mocks me because I am small all over, and have a weird hairdo.  Think of the walls we could build together. Think of the fun we could have together threatening the world with nuclear destruction, or hacking into everyone’s private files. We are two peas in a pod as you Westerners say. You could build a Trump towers right here in Pyongyang right next to mine, and put both of our names on it (mine bigger though). Please, Please say you will.

Most lovingly, your exalted leader Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have.

Kim Jong Un.  

Trump Campaign Alarmed as Strategic Stockpile of Lies Becomes Depleted

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

High ranking officials for the Trump reelection campaign are alarmed that the nation’s strategic supply of lies has become depleted to their lowest level in years. As one unnamed official stated, “Even in a normal election year, we’d expect supplies of lies to become low, but this year combined with the Pandemic, we are running through our remaining stockpiles of lies faster than anyone could have predicted. On some days we are telling as many as 60 to 70 lies per day. At some campaign stops we are even forced to re-use the same lies over and over again putting people at risk for getting caught in their own web-of-lies. Because President Trump is using such a high volume of these lies, down ballot candidates must find new ones to tell the public on their own often resulting in some real whoppers that no one buys, and they are getting laughed at or booed. “

Secretly the Trump campaign has had to resort to purchasing lies manufactured in other countries such as Russia, China, and even our arch-foe Iran just to meet daily rally needs. Political scientists warned us long ago not to rely too heavily on lies to sway the American public. They warned early on that constantly telling lies over and over again could produce the “Boy Who Cried Wolf Syndrome” where people rapidly become totally immune to lies and disregard anything coming out of a candidate's mouth. Attack ads that rely exclusively on people believing chopped up clips from things people said years ago and taken completely out of context are no longer arousing people’s anger. Claims of “Ushering in Socialism” and “Raising taxes on the middle class” still appear to have some effect, but without new and more potent lies, Trump’s poll numbers are fading fast. He had hoped for an October surprise with Hunter Biden’s laptop hard drives, but their efficacy is still in doubt, and time is running out for them to gain traction before a surge of final votes is cast.

Trump signs Executive Order Declaring Him the Winner of the 2020 Presidential Election

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump today signed an Executive Presidential declaring him the winner of the 2020 Presidential election regardless of the actual vote.

“The Constitution under Article II gives me the power to declare me the winner. This way we know already who is going to be president and not have to worry about voter fraud – which is rampant because of mail in ballots and COVID19 - which is disappearing because of great efforts “

In Response, FOX news has put Trump Wins across their banner.

Rudy Giuliani Produces “Hunter Biden’s Incriminating Letters to Santa”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 FOX News today reported that Rudy Giuliani has uncovered a “treasure trove of incriminating letters purportedly written by Hunter Biden to Santa when he was 8 years old”.  On Fox News, Giuliani stated that the Biden campaign has tried very hard to keep these covered up. They conclusively prove that he was asking for favors from the leader of a foreign government (i.e. Santa Claus and the North Pole) in exchange he promises to be “a good boy all year”. Giuliani went on to say, “It’s pretty clear what he means by being a good boy all year. He even goes on to say 'you can ask my Dad'. This is clearly the smoking gun we’ve been waiting for the conclusively proves that Hunter Biden enlisted his father to gain favors from a foreign leader in exchange for special gifts." 

The Trump White House is demanding that the FBI immediately announce that they are investigating Hunter Biden and well as former VP Joe Biden in connection with these letters and expect indictments before the election.

Trump Considers Running for Pope if He Loses

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a rambling news conference today, Trump declared that he is considering running for Pope if he loses the US election.

“I know it inconceivable, but we have to be prepared for all outcomes especially with the Democrats casting all those fake mail-in ballots. But if I should lose, I’d consider running for Pope. All the Catholics love me here because I appointed Amy Comey Barrett who will outlaw abortion. I am already infallible so it’s an easy fit – and remember I miraculously got cured from COVID19 with hardly any help from doctors. That should count as a miracle, don’t you think? I also stopped Coronavirus early on when I stopped people coming from Chy-na, the place they invented Coronavirus in their secret labs. Nobody thought I could stop it, but I did – until the Democrats forced people to wear face masks. That spread the virus faster than anything. But I’d be a great Pope. Everyone says the current pope is way to old and frail, and far too liberal. He wanted to bring pedophiles to justice. I’m strongly against pedophiles as my Qanon friends will tell you. Priests should be prosecuted for stuff like that. I prefer priests that molest underage girls, like my friend Jeffery Epstein. My Evangelical friends say I should run for King of the Jews instead, but Benjamin Netanyahu is already King there, and we like him where he is. But one thing if I were Pope I’d never wear that stupid little beanie. I like that big tall hat.”

Trump Signs Executive Order to Sell California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas back to Mexico

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With days left to go in the Presidential Election, Trump’s poll numbers are sagging sharply in Arizona and once Solidly Red Texas as well as being solidly in the Blue column for California and New Mexico.  In response, he has launched his late October Surprise – “To sell those states back to Mexico”.

In a late-night Tweet showing him signing an Executive Presidential order, he tweeted to the governors and people of those states. “If you won’t stand by me – I won’t stand by you! See how you like living under Mexican Rule!”

The Executive Order agrees to sell those states for the sum of 20 billion dollars to the Republic of Mexico. “This is about the same amount that I said they would pay for the border wall, which they will now own. So you see, I kept my promise that WE would build the wall and MEXICO would pay for it!.”

This move also puts the election results in total disarray since those states’ votes would no longer be counted, nor would they have any representation in the Electoral College. It could change the entire dynamics for the 2020 vote as well as getting rid of Nancy Pelosi as House Speaker since California would no longer be part of the USA.

The Republican-led Senate praised this move as well as Trump’s base. With Amy Comey Barrett’s nomination sure to be approved, nothing can stop this from happening.

In the final part of the message, Trump Tweeted, “Alaska, I hope you are listening, Mr. Putin would love to have you back”.

ANTIFA VETS ENDORSES DONALD TRUMP IN 2020

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a statement put out by someone claiming to be the leading general in the ANTIFA army put out a strong endorsement today for Donald Trump in 2020. In his statement he said,

“Before Donald Trump, we were a shadowy organization with no real leaders or formalized agenda. We would occasionally show up at rallies with masks and signs, but it was mainly a loosely tied group of liberals who came to protest on the weekends and then went back to their “Green Jobs” during the week. Now thanks to Trump we have a standing full-time army of thousands of full-time “soldiers” who are hatching every conceivable plot against the government you can imagine. It’s been a miracle. Now our recruits according to Trump come from everywhere – even the reddest and most rural of states. We have him to thank for that, so we strongly urge our ANTIFA Vets to support him this election.”

Next Debate to Feature Disney Animatronic Candidates Instead of Real Ones

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With fears raging over Trump possibly spreading infection during the next debate along with the waning interest due to the contentiousness of the candidates, Disney has agreed to host the next debate at the Disney World Hall of Presidents. Instead of the actual candidates, there will be stand-in animatronic figures that will gesture and talk. Instead of a moderator, who no one seems to pay attention too anyway, kids under 10 will ask each candidate questions. The answers will be their pre-recorded attack ads that will be played sequentially regardless of the actual question that the kids pose. To spice things up those pre-recorded responses will sometimes overlap with other pre-recorded comments like “You loser!”, “No- YOU'RE the puppet”, “Man will you just shut up!”.  They may also feature an animatronic fly that buzzes the candidates and quips “Are you getting anything from this?” and "Betcha can't catch me". Upon exiting all visitors will receive a souvenir COVID 19 test.

Fish and Wildlife Experts Alarmed by Ballots Found in Waterways

 

Non-native invasive Russian Ballot found in Waterway

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Fish and Wildlife officials have become increasingly alarmed at finding large numbers of election ballots in Lakes, Rivers, and waterways. Fishermen recently have reported that once they caught trout and bass in these waterways and now all they seem to bring up are election ballots. Wildlife experts have concluded that these are not native ballots, but an invasive species from Russia. This was confirmed by the Cyrillic writing on them. Most of them seem to be marked for Trump. The official went on to say, “These ballots have obviously been dumped here by person’s unknown and they are creating a huge pollution problem. Once they get in the waterways they emit toxic wastes that kill off native species of Democratic ballots which have become increasingly rare in rural areas. We still don’t have a really good solution to this problem other than to try to stock these waterways with more democratic ballots that hopefully they will proliferate and drive out the invasive species."

Trump Debuts as Quarterback for Ohio State in an Unpresidented Football Game

 

Satirical News Service
Columbus, Ohio

 After claiming that he was the one that brought back football in last night’s debate, he contacted the head coach of Ohio State to demand that he quarterback the upcoming game.

Here is a recap of that game

Saturday’s game was certainly unprecedented by any standards of play. Trump waddled out onto the field refusing to wear any protective gear or helmet.  The coaches urged him to study the playbook, but he claimed to know more about football than any of the coaches. He refused to participate in any of the huddles. In the first quarter, he fumbled the ball 4 times resulting in the opposing team scoring two touchdowns within five minutes. When he actually tried to pass the ball, it was intercepted two out the three times with the third time incomplete. When the defensive team came onto the field Trump also demanded to call the play resulting in another touchdown.  In the next offensive play, trump was sacked immediately and then went on a 5-minute tirade caught on mike blaming everyone on his defensive line as being slackers who didn’t know the first thing about football and was surprised that the college even accepted them.  The next play the defensive line basically “sat down” letting the opposing defensive line pile onto Trump. He then demanded that the referee call a penalty for roughing-the-passer. After they refused, he went on another extended tirade calling all the referees fake and biased against his team. He insulted them personally calling their wives ugly and kids retarded. After a few minutes of this Trump was thrown out of the game, but refused to leave until the biggest linemen from both teams hauled him kicking and screaming off the field. Ohio State said they would concede the game and promised to ban him from college football forever. Trump later went on twitter claiming to have won the game by the largest margin in the history of football solely due to his incredible playing that “No one thought I knew anything about football”.

Trump Pushes for Alternative Math to be Taught in Schools

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As Conservatives led by Trump propose altering public school curriculums in Science, Biology, Public Health, and now History, it seems only fitting that they do so with Mathematics. Here is a copy of an example of alternative teaching of Mathematics. 

        1. Which number is greater  250,000,000 or 538?

Ans: If you said the former you are probably a totally ignorant libtard. The answer is obvious to any good conservative that 538 is greater than 250,000,000 because the former  is the number of electoral votes and therefore greater when you factor in all fraudulent ballot stuffing and votes by illegal immigrants.

  I        2.  If you invest in a casino worth 860 million and in 4 years bring its value to less than 1/10 of this, how much profit or losses did you have in this deal.

Ans: Once you have cheated all the investors, and failed to pay the workers, and overvalued your tax losses, and defaulted on your initial loan your net Profit is 980 million.

3.         3. If a novel virus strain is detected  in 1 person on day one and then on day 4 is 24 cases and on day 8 at 1400 cases, how many cases will you have in 2 weeks time

Ans: Zero! The virus will simply vanish in 2 week’s time. No need to panic the people.

4.        4. If I test 10,000 people for a virus and 1200 people die from it, what is it’s R0, or its lethality?                

                 Ans: Zero. None of those people actually died if the virus. It was something else. The numbers of cases and deaths are all inflated by Democrats  just to discredit the duly elected President of the United States.

 

5.           5. If John Billionaire earns 600 million dollars in a year and Joe average makes 50,000 dollars in a year, who will pay more federal taxes for that year?

Ans: If you said John Billionaire, then you are a total loser! Taxes are for suckers. Joe Billionaire paid ZERO taxes and actually got more than 10 million dollars in tax breaks and credits while Joe Average paid $5600 and that is AFTER to “tax break for the middle class” he got after the last “tax-cutting bill” that the Republican Party passed.

 

6.      6. How many does 2+2 equal
         

       Ans: WHATEVER WE SAY IT DOES!!!  If you answered 4 then you are guilty of “Thought Crimes” and room 101 is waiting for you to convince you otherwise.

Trump Brokers Historic Israel – Tonga Peace Accord

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a historic ceremony on the White House lawn today, President Trump sat for the signing of a historic peace accord between Israel and the Island of Tonga. In his statement to the Press Trump said,

“No one even heard of Tonga until I discovered them and got them to sign this history-changing peace accord with Israel. It totally changes the dynamics of the Middle East. Nobody thought we could do this, but I did it. Stockholm – I hope you are listening….N-O-B-L-E peace prize this year for you know who."

Despite the fact that Tonga is located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and thousands of miles from the Middle East and did not even know Israel existed, Trump still claimed that this will open the way to further peace negotiations of foreign leaders and Israel.  At the ceremony the Tonganese King offered Netanyahu a ceremonial conch shell. In exchange Netanyahu offered to have the Tonganese King circumcised to make him an honorary Jew.

It was reported that negotiations had taken months to complete since no one had a phone number for the Tonganese King, or even knew where Tonga was located. It was also reported that Trump offered to sell Tonga one of  the US’s top of the line fighter jets as part of the deal, but it was discovered that Tonga had no runway large enough to accommodate it. Instead, he was given a signed copy of The Art of the Deal.

Trump to Show Surprise Check from Mexico for Border Wall Tonight at RNC Convention

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 SNS has obtained an exclusive video of tonight’s big surprise at the RNC Convention where the focus will be on Immigration To a throng of pre-recorded cheers of “Build that wall” and "Who’s going to pay for it….Mexico”,  he will unveil a  huge check for 10 Billion Dollars purportedly sent by the Mexican government to pay for his border wall. In his speech, he will say “Nobody thought Mexico would pay for the wall, Nobody, but here it is. Now, what are we going to do with it?” (shouts of “Build that wall!”)

According to sources within the Mexican Government and President Andrés Manuel López Obrador, they have absolutely no knowledge of such a check being issued. In a statement, President Andrés Manuel López Obrador stated “It would be absurd to think for one minute that the Mexican government would pay even one peso for that piece of gringo trash. I'd like to see how he is going to try to cash it.”

Trump “Greatest Thing Ever Done for Women”

 

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

 In a bold move, Donald Trump today posthumously pardoned Susan B Anthony for convicted crimes nearly a century and a half ago.  In his signing ceremony, Trump touted

“This is the greatest thing ever done for women. Nobody ever thought to do this, but I did. Now that she is pardoned she can go walk free in heaven – or wherever she is now – and say Donald Trump had the courage to pardon me when no one else would. He’s the greatest President there ever was for women. Nobody knew that you could pardon dead people. I’m thinking maybe of pardoning some more dead women like Lizzie Borden – terrible miscarriage of justice."

In his statement, he went on to say “This was a sad time where many people felt it was fine to discriminate against women by denying them the right to vote. I have no such prejudice. I want to deny everyone equally the right to vote (well except for my base of loyal supporters)".

Trump Vows to Defeat the Terrorist Organization He Called “Ammonium Nitrate”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a late night tweet, President Trump tweeted,

“America will seek out and destroy the terrorist group named “Ammonium Nitrate” that I have learned recently claimed responsibility for the terrible explosion in Lebanon. After I successfully defeated ISIS and the Taliban – something no one thought I could do, I am going to send 10,000 troops to Lebanon to defeat the Ammonium Nitrates."

Millions of Unemployed Americans Take Up Golf to Show How Much They Value Work

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to demonstrate to President Trump and Republicans in Congress that unemployed people value work as much as they do, millions of them have recently taken up the game of golf. 

“We want to show our President and Congress that the $600 they provide us with for extended unemployment benefits will not lead us to think that we can just do nothing and get paid by the government. No, we want to show, that we can work just as hard as they do. “

I recently followed one unemployed airline worker around one of the golf courses near his home. Here is what he said to me, “You know I had no idea how hard this is – getting up at 11:00 every morning and heading out here to swing a club all day. Thank GOD for golf carts, or I might have to walk this thing.  I’m still pretty bad at it, but it only shows me how motivated we all have to be to not just slack off and take money from hard-working taxpayers. I just can’t imagine how trump and all those Congresspeople do it every day. Sure, they probably make more than $600 in one second, but it’s not the amount that matters, but the principle of the thing. Work is work – whether you do it on the golf course, or slugging it out working 14-hour shifts in a hospital caring for all those Coronavirus patients – even if they are mostly just Crisis actors going on Ventilators just to make the president look bad.”

After our 3 martini lunch which we were able to deduct now, I have a new appreciation for the hard work it takes to get up and play golf day after day. Anyone who thinks that government money is just a hand-out should try it!

Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Dementia Test For Every Voter

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Determined to show his toughness on preventing voter fraud, Trump today signed a Presidential Executive order mandating that every voter must pass a standard dementia test before being allowed to vote. In his statement, he said, “We simply cannot allow people with dementia to vote in this election. I had no problem passing it – in fact, I scored the highest score ever recorded on it. I’d like to see how Sleepy Joe does. “

To enforce this governors are required to assign doctors at each polling place to administer the test. In the event that a person does not understand English, Google Translate will be used to translate the questions and answers. Only those individuals who score 85% or above will be permitted to vote.

Trump signs Executive Order to Defund China

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump signed an executive order today to “Defund China”. 

In a rambling statement, he said

 “Biden and the Democrats want to defund everything that American’s hold sacred. They want to defund the Police, they want to defund the Military, they want to defund our latest branch of the Military- the Space Force, they want to defund our churches and our oil industry that has been building that great pipeline through South Dakota until those liberal Court justices shut it down, defund the Wall……

Well today, I am going to defund China! Take that Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden!”

No one in the administration could tell us just what “Defunding China” means.

Trump Signs Executive Order Invalidating All Indian Treaties

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the Supreme Court sided with the Native Americans in Oklahoma in the recent decision, an angry Donald Trump today signed an Executive Order in-validating all previous treaties with Native Americans. In his tweet, Trump announced.

"If I can invalidate a treaty with Chyna, I can invalidate these unfair treaties with Indians, or Native Americans, as they like to refer to themselves as. They are not American’s at all when they fight important pipelines and defy American laws. They should just go back to where they came from. All treaties with them are now NULL and VOID!"

President Trump Offers Black People a Pathway to Become White

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a show of deep understanding and benevolent charity, President Trump today signed an Executive Order that sets forth a 10 step pathway to enable Black people to become White Americans. “It goes right to the root of the problem. If there are no more Black people, there will no longer be any need for Police to take such harsh measures while arresting them. They will have the opportunities that have long been denied them while they were Black. They may even be allowed to rise to offices in Republican administrations, just like that black boy we put in our cabinet – whatever-his-name-is", Trump later tweeted.

The precise steps that would be required to become White were not yet laid out. These will be made clear right after Trump has completed the deportation of all undocumented workers and Dreamers from Latin America.

Putin and Kim Jong Un both Offer to Send Troops to US to Put Down Riots

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The White House has revealed that that President Trump has received phone calls from both Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin with offers to send their troops to the US to help him put down the riots that are sweeping through American cities. In his tweet, Trump responded “Boy, It’s always great to know I can count on America’s  true friends like you to help a guy out in a Crisis. Not like those liberal Democrats or wishy-washy Governors.”

Trump Announces Plan to Draft Seniors to Fight the Corona War

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

For the first time since the Vietnam War, President Trump has announced plans to resume drafting individuals to fight his “War on Corona”. This comes as a result of his frustration that people just aren’t going out and spending money and traveling and shopping like they did before the outbreak even as states are relaxing some restrictions,. As a result, the economy still lags and unemployment keeps going up.

“We need to take some drastic measures to win this war”, Tweeted Trump last night. He is proposing a lottery-style draft, based upon Social Security numbers that apply only to people over the age of 55. When people see these people out and about and NOT getting sick, since these are the people who are thought to be most vulnerable, they will stop worrying and go out and do the same. 

The only people who will be exempt from the Draft are those who are too invalid to move about and those who are already infected and showing signs of the illness. Of course bone spurs will also get you an exemption.

Seniors who are drafted will be given daily doses of hydroxychloroquine and ordered to attend concerts, go to shopping malls, fly on airplanes, and go to crowded restaurants and amusement parks without wearing  any type of PPE or practice social distancing.

Say Kids - Make Your Own COVID19 Vaccine

Say Kids, why wait for the misguided country-hating liberal scientists to create a vaccine to open up our great country when you can do it yourself with our own Trump Virology Kit.

In the safety of your own basement without the restraints of government regulations, you can experiment to your heart’s content to create lifesaving vaccines. Our chemistry sets include PROVEN ingredients like Clorox, Lysol, and hydroquinone. You can mix em, drink em, injected, or try em on grandpa and grandma.

With this kit, you’ll soon find yourself on the road to a rewarding and lucrative career as a Big Pharma Bro.

Trump signs Executive Order Giving Him Immunity from Everything

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to fend off criticism for not wearing masks anywhere and also under pressure to produce tax returns and testimonies, Trump today signed an Executive Presidential Order that gives him blanket immunity from everything.  In signing the order he tweeted,

“By signing this Executive Order, I don’t have to answer to Congress, the courts, or anyone else, and I am totally immune to the COVID19  virus so I don’t even need to be tested anymore. So the Fake news can get on with more important reporting  like OBAMAGATE.”