President Trump Offers Black People a Pathway to Become White

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a show of deep understanding and benevolent charity, President Trump today signed an Executive Order that sets forth a 10 step pathway to enable Black people to become White Americans. “It goes right to the root of the problem. If there are no more Black people, there will no longer be any need for Police to take such harsh measures while arresting them. They will have the opportunities that have long been denied them while they were Black. They may even be allowed to rise to offices in Republican administrations, just like that black boy we put in our cabinet – whatever-his-name-is", Trump later tweeted.

The precise steps that would be required to become White were not yet laid out. These will be made clear right after Trump has completed the deportation of all undocumented workers and Dreamers from Latin America.

Putin and Kim Jong Un both Offer to Send Troops to US to Put Down Riots

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The White House has revealed that that President Trump has received phone calls from both Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin with offers to send their troops to the US to help him put down the riots that are sweeping through American cities. In his tweet, Trump responded “Boy, It’s always great to know I can count on America’s  true friends like you to help a guy out in a Crisis. Not like those liberal Democrats or wishy-washy Governors.”