Disclaimer

FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Big SuperPAC Donors Themselves To Stand In For Candidates in Next Republican Debate


Shown Left to Right Foster Friess (who has no direct connection with the Rick Santorum campaign); Bob Perry (who has no direct connection to the Mitt Romney Campaign); Sheldon Adelson (who has no direct connection to the Newt Gingrich Campaign); and Peter Theil (who has no direct connection to the Ron Paul Campaign).

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Disgusted with the back-and-forth poll numbers and frequent blunders by their respective candidates, the largest SuperPAC donors for each of the SuperPACs that-have-no-direct-connection-with-the-candidates, will stand in themselves for the candidates at the next Republican Debate prior to Super Tuesday.

In an interview with Billionaire Las Vegas Casino Magnate Sheldon Adelson (featured second from the right), he stated “It’s about time we put our mouths where our money is!” ”Without us these douche bags wouldn't stand a chance in hell, so we might as well tell the American public just what we are buying for them ourselves!”

Saturday, February 18, 2012

HOW TO MAKE A BOMB IN YOUR MOM’S KITCHEN REDEAUX

Recently a terrorist was arrested with the intention of bombing the Capitol. He claimed he was following a recipe he got on the internet called “How to make a Bomb in Your Mom’s Kitchen”. Now I don’t know about you but, if it were my Mom, I seriously doubt the thing would stand a snowball’s chance in hell of ever working. This is how I image things would unfold.

“Mom, its Achmed, listen I’m trying to make that bomb recipe you had – you know the one you got from Aunt Hilda that blew up Uncle Joseph. Yeh! That one."
“OK, it says to mix 1 part TNT with 2 parts of Ammonia Sulfate. What, you say you substituted Bicarbonate of Soda for the Ammonia sulfate? OK how much – 1 cup, 1 tablespoon? You’re not sure….? Ok I’ll try 1 tablespoon."

“Okay, it says to mix for 5 minutes on medium speed with a hand mixer. What, you say not to over mix it? How do I know if I’ve over mixed it? You say we won’t be having this conversation….OK I won’t over mix it. It then says to slowly add hydrogen sulfide until it becomes a thickened goo. Any idea how much that is? Can I use hydrogen peroxide instead? I’m completely out of hydrogen sulfide. No…Ok you say just leave it out and it’ll be fine. Great! Now it says to spread it evenly into a 9x12 pan and bake at, hmm, I can’t make out that number is it 300 degrees? 400 degrees? You’re not sure….. Great! Listen, if the thing doesn’t work do you and dad want to come to dinner over here next Ramadan? I’m making Anthrax."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

George Washington vs. the FuperPacs

A previously unknown document has recently surfaced from the archives about the re-election for George Washington to his second term. The document’s details are from Mr. Ernest Johnson, a previously unknown political advisor.

J: Mr. President, there have been a large number of slander campaigns mounted against you recently by very shadowy well-funded organizations called “Fuperpacs”.

W: Don’t you mean SuperPacs?

J: Yes, but in this century we make our “S’s” look like “F’s”

W: OK so what are these FuperPacs doing.

J: They’ve been canvasing the country with slanderous broadsides attacking you and your policies. Since their funding comes from unknown sources, we have no idea who is funding it. We suspect they are all orchestrated by Thomas Jefferson who denies any direct involvement, but has opposed many of your policies as President, and your support for Hamilton’s National Bank.

Here is one from a FuperPac called “Fwitf Boat Patriots for the Truth”. In their broadside they claim that during the Christmas Eve Delaware River Crossing, you lay cowering in the stern of the boat instead of standing proudly at its prow like the paintings portray. They go on to say that you are soft on the French and want to jeopardize our national defense by stopping the development of new weapons systems like the repeating bow-and-arrow.

W: What else do you have

J: Here is one from ”Common People against Elitist’s Kings and Presidents”. They claim that you are elitist and remote from the average American citizen and attack you for supporting the “National Bank”. They say that only Private Banks should be permitted even though many are headquartered in the British held Cayman Islands.

Here another particularly vitriolic one from the “Tea Party Birthers” that claims that you are not an American at all, and you were actually born in France – making you a French Citizen. They demand to see your birth certificate.

There is another one from the “Jobs Creating Moonshine FuperPac” that are attacking you levying taxes on alcohol and shutting down illegal moonshine operations!

Here is one from the “Responsible Citizens Against Increasing the National Debt” who are attacking you for supporting Hamilton's proposals to Congress on 14 January 1790, and his recommending a provision for the Support of Public Credit.

Jefferson himself denies that he has any connection or control over these FuperPacs, but it seems clear that their sentiments are coming from statements he’s made about Hamilton and your policies.

W: Isn’t there anything we can do about them?

J: Apparently not. Your recently appointed Chief Justice, John Jay, is of the opinion that corporations have the same right of free speech that individuals do, even if they are owned, funded and share financial interests with foreign countries and less than savory characters. He refuses to hear any cases that might bar their influence.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Mitt Romney Declares Support for Bridge to Nowhere to Maintain Safety Net for Poor.



Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following his remarks to CNN about “not caring for the poor”, Mitt Romney reiterated his position by declaring renewed support for the Gravina Island Bridge in Alaska – the so-called “Bridge to Nowhere”.

“As I have stated before, I feel that the safety net for the poorest Americans should be preserved! To many Americans who are out of a job due to high taxes and have now become homeless, the bridges in America offer them a last refuge and place to live under. As a nation we need to maintain this safety net, so I am coming out strongly in favor of completing the Gravina Island Bridge to serve as safety net for the poor and homeless people of Alaska and elsewhere. Instead of referring to it as the ‘Bridge to nowhere’, I plan on renaming it the ‘Safety Net to Nowhere’. Within weeks of becoming president, I’ll open this up to a single bidder contractor with corporate headquarters in the Cayman Islands who will help preserve the safety net for the less unfortunate Americans. I will also call on Congress to approve other such bridge projects in other states and cities so that the poor and homeless will always have a place to live – under.”

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Inspired by recent statements by Mitt Romney in a CNN Interview















Dear Poor Person:

As newly elected President I have reviewed your record and see that you have failed to rise above the minimum standards of poverty over the past 5 years. While it has been the policy of my predecessors to care about you, I do not. Although we have provided you with an ample safety net for some time now, the time has come for you to find a new country. We regret this decision, but it is necessary so that we can claim that the United States maintains the highest standard of living. Our outplacement service agents will be arriving for you in the coming days to assist you in finding a new country. I wish you the best possible future in whatever country you choose to live in.

Sincerely yours,

Mitt Romney

P.S. I’ll bet you $10,000 it won’t be Syria! HA! HA!