Wednesday, December 22, 2010
When Restless Leg Syndrome was first discovered three years ago, the airwaves were filled with TV ads to ask your doctor about medications for RLS. Then….silence. You probably haven’t seen an ad for RLS for more than 1 year. Just when RLS sufferers were beginning to come out of the shadows and were asking their doctors to prescribe these ridiculously expensive drugs, the pharmaceutical companies pulled the ads.
Now my telethon hopes to raise money so that more TV ads for these insanely overpriced medications can be broadcast once again, and new research can be done to invent new diseases to treat with poorly selling drugs. Maybe in time research can even be devoted to find drugs that can cure “erections-lasting-more-than-four-hours” … then again, maybe not.
“These individuals have been trained for this task or inspection and finding explosives”, said the lead negotiator for START.
Already in tests they have found 2 bottles of liquids containing more than 3 oz, a pair of scissors and a pocket knife in the first round of soviet missile inspections. “We are well on our way to verification”.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Frozen H20 – a chemical compound - has paralyzed much of the UK , Europe and the Eastern United States Seaboard, while simultaneously unfrozen H20 is literally raining down in vast quantities on the Western Coast of the United States.
According to Homeland Security head, Janet Napolitano, these simultaneous attacks have all the hallmarks of an Al Quaeda terrorist plot. We still don’t know yet how the terrorists were able to obtain this chemical substance, H20, but we are investigating every possibility. The fact that they were able to deliver it over large parts of Europe and the US simultaneously from the air paralyzing travel and commerce is a particularly ominous development. In response to this latest threat, the Dept of Homeland Security is going to ban all water from airplanes and airports starting next week. Drinking fountains and toilets in airports and airplanes will be permanently closed as well as all in flight beverage services.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Demonstrating her newly acquired knowledge of International Affairs in preparation for a still un-annouced bid for the 2012 presidential election, Sarah Palin today implored Kim Il Jong to tear down the wall the divides East and West Korea.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Satirical News Service
Amid growing protests against Full Body Scans and personal pat-downs, the TSA announced today that passengers who refuse full body scans may elect to be waterboarded instead. "We understand passengers dislike of the personal pat downs, so we’ve elected to much less invasive means of screening out would be terrorists."
Those electing to be waterboarded will be allowed to board their flights in the unlikely event that they do not confess to being a terrorist planning to blow up the plane.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Tea Party Favors a Constitutional Amendment to Make "The Truth” Whatever the Majority of Congress Says It Is.
Giddy with their victory in the midterm elections, the Tea Party is now proposing a Constitutional Amendment that would stipulate The Truth to be whatever a majority of Congress says it is. Since they now have a majority in the House, and they hope to eventually win over the Senate, they want to be able to define The Truth.
Speaking with one leader of the Tea Party Movement, he stated, “For too long The Truth has been dictated by Marxists Liberals who rely solely on facts instead of the Will of the People. We want to change this once and for all! When South Carolina’s newly elected Senator says that Obama’s trip to India cost 200 million dollars, that should be The Truth, because the majority of the people have spoken and they say it is! Likewise, FOX news polls show that the majority of people believe that Obama is really a Muslim and that he was born in Africa. That should stand as The Truth because it is a majority! Same with Global Warming, Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Immigration, Taxation, and Big Government Spending on Healthcare. We demand that The Truth should be defined by the majority and not by a bunch of so-called-intellectual Liberals."
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
In a surprise announcement coming just 24 hours after the mid term elections, most of the newly elected “Tea party” Republicans announced today their intention to resign after less than half their terms. Asked why they would announce their resignations immediately after they were elected they quoted from Sarah Palin’s resignation speech from her governorship of Alaska after half her term - “It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow". And only dead fish "go with the flow".
All of these newly elected congressmen said they plan to pursue more lucrative careers as Fox News Commentators now that they got the public exposure they were looking for.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
But, thanks to Time Life Video, you can relive all the rancor and Anger of the 2010 election again and again. We’ve compiled hundreds of hours of some of the most vile puke that was spewed in the 2010 election.
These ads originally cost millions of dollars to air and produce, but thanks to the magic of technology, we’ve restored these ads to their original grainy u-tube low quality and can now offer you them at one low price. Now you’ll be able to re-live those rancourous moments over and over and over again.
You’ll hear great quotes like
“I am not a witch….” from Christine O’Donnel
“Sharon Angel Extreme and Hypocritical” from Harry Reid
“Liberal elitist Liberal Ways”
“ Too extreme for Colorado”
“….Wants to Raise your Taxes!”
“….Wants to privatize Social Security”
“3 Trillion dollars wasted in a job killing stimulus package”
“Voted for Obamacare”
and many more.
And we'll also incude those great heart warming TV ads like
Pamela Gorman blasting away at her liberal opponent
Harry Reid Wants to provide Viagra to sex offenders with your tax dollars
Governor Pat Quinn accusing his opponent of the mass euthanizing of cute Republican-owned puppies:
Rick Barber’s ad with Abe Lincoln saying paying taxes is tyranny and American's slaves to their government
And who could possibly forget that great Dr. McKenna ad accusing his opponent in a State Coroner’s race selling body parts for profit!
And many more!
We’ll send you the first DVD for only $19.95
Then every 4 years, we’ll send you a new collection of these wonderful attacks ads.
You’ll savor every slogan and epithet over and over again time and time again.
Friday, October 29, 2010
According to one spokesperson for the group responsible for getting this initiative on the ballot. “We see this as a good start. After this amendment passes we plan to put initiatives on the ballot to outlaw other laws that we disagree with. These include Talmudic law, Darwin’s Law of Natural Selection, Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics, The Law of Gravity, and all re-run’s of Law and Order.”
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I suggest we start by issuing IPO’s for specific conflicts – like the War in Afghanistan. Free Market entrepreneurs could purchase stock in the war just as they could in say General Motors (as if anyone actually would do that right now). Instead of relying on generals with little vested interest in the wars telling us how the war is going, the average Joe could see for himself just by looking at the stock performance. Banks could also get into the fray too by offering CDO’s or those weird derivatives that hedges their bets in case the Taliban actually do win this war. That way they could still make a killing (so to speak!) if we lose.
The war could be run just like any corporation with competent CEO’s like…., well I can’t really think of any right now, but I’ll get back to you on that ……
To save costs we could lay off thousands of soldiers who are not actually shooting weapons, and we could outsource those jobs to China, the Philippines, or India just like we do all the other jobs.
We could also cut out waste and reduce the size of government by eliminating the VA just as the Tea Party Folks are currently advocating. Instead of offering Big Government Run Health Care that everyone knows is bad for us, we could offer them the same health benefits that ordinary workers get, through CIGNA or Blue Cross. Of course we’d probably have to raise their salary because with their share of the premiums alone they’d, they’d end up owing more than they get paid. Likewise these plans would have to not cover certain things - like getting shot or getting blown up by IED’s.
Companies like Blackwater Security already have shown us that Private Enterprise can do the job much better than Big Government, so let them take over this thing and use the money where it is really needed - on Tax Breaks for the Super Rich!.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
In a speech today at the White House, he paraphrased John F. Kennedy’s famous Man on the Moon speech stating “I promise to place a man in the mine and bring him back safely by the end of this decade”.
NASA engineers and executives are already on site in Chile to learn how to keep the media’s attention focused for extended periods of time. As one NASA executive stated “We know this is a massive undertaking, but with dedication and perseverance, we plan to be the second nation to place men in the mine and bring them back safely!”
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
With the World's media focused on the Chilean Mine rescue, mine owners are considering what to do with the now useless mine and how to pay for the millions of dollars it took to rescue the miners.
So it comes as no surprise that CBS has offered to lease the mine and the entire rescue set up for 6 months in order to use it as the setting for the next season of Survivor. The last survivor gets a million bucks, plus a lifetime of psychiatric care.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
So why not cash in on all this loot, by obtaining your degree in Negative Campaign Ad Writing here at the George Orwell Online University. He at GOOU, you’ll learn from the pro’s like Carl Rove and Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh. In no time at all you’ll be spouting meaningless and provacative phrases like “Death Panels”, “Obamacare”, and “Fascist Socialism!” And.... you’ll be raking in the big bucks!
Here is a sample of what you’ll learn
Negative Ad Phrase Construction
Using only the words Tax Cuts, Big Government, Spending, Wasteful, Obama, Support, troops, dept, middle class, jobs, creation, and lost, you’ll learn to create hundreds of new negative ads.
Negative Campaign Diction
You’ll learn to speak in a indignant announcer voice a folksy hick dialect, and an indignant Momma grissly voice.
You’ll learn basic Photoshop skills of taking photos of frowning candidates and collaging them along with your indignant phrases to create negative ads.
Basic Phone Camera Filming and Editing
You’ll learn how to create grainy unintelligible phone videos of candidate’s speeches and then edit them to say anything you want them to.
You’ll learn the basics of fuzzy math so that you can make it sound like 2+2 really is equal to 1, and come up with big number phrases like “gozillions of dollars wasted”.
So don’t wait for hope and prosperity come back, take the opportunities that fear and loathing offer you right now in the creative and very very lucrative Negative Campaign Ad writing profession.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Here is an example of one of the negative political ads I’ve seen for this position.
My Opponent is a left handed Liberal who wants to literally drain the life blood out of the average tax payer!
He supports Death Panels!
He is up to his elbows in slime in the inner recesses of his less up-standing clients!
I on the other hand, want to pump new vitriol into the hearts of the average citizen!
I am willing to make the deep cuts necessary to see the job done right!
I want to expose the corrupt inner workings and am willing to probe into the deepest darkest places to get to the truth!
I stand for right leaning values and won’t mess around in the dirty recesses that my opponent says are just part of his job!
Vote for me for County Coroner.
Paid for by the US Chamber of Commerce and the Tea Party Express!
Friday, September 10, 2010
In another Media Circus, today, self proclaimed pastor Jerry Tones announced that on Friday September 10th, he was going to barbecue a steak and on 9/11, he was going to barbecue pork ribs!
Jerry Tones who is pastor of the Church of the God-Loving-and-Liberal-Hating and-Any-Foreigner-Americans, announced that he was going to perform this public cooking demonstration to the national media in an effort to “Piss off all those Vegans and Muslims who don’t eat meat or pork”. He said is grilling the meat on Friday was in an effort to specifically piss off all the Catholics who still adhere to meatless Fridays.
Outrage and Pleas have come in from around the world for him to stop, stating that it could jeopardize American lives. Calls from the Pope, the Indian and Pakistani Prime Ministers, PETA, the AMA, Numerous Muslim Imams, and Whole Foods Executives have failed to persuade him against pursing this divisive and dangerous course.
Pastor Tones, who received his ordination via the Internet, and whose congregation consists of his two toddler nephews, has stood steadfast in his determination to perform this act stating “God has instructed me to do this to show he hates foreigners and liberals and especially Vegetarians!”
After two days of very tense negotiations and a personal plea from Sarah Palin who offered to send him a Moose to grill instead, he finally relented. So on Saturday September 11th, Pastor Tones will be cooking Moose burgers instead of pork and beef, slowly seared over a bed of coals made up of Korans and Torahs.
Original Satire from
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
New Orleans, LA
Today officials at BP announced that they are finally making progress on containing the outflow of money in the form of payouts and compensations caused by the leaking oil well in the Gulf.
“We’re using a form of containment dome that gradually reduces the flow of money coming out of the escrow fund and BP’s profits. While some money inevitably will flow out in the form of compensation for lost income to fisherman, resort owners, and wildlife rescuers, we’ve manage to cut this flow to nearly a third.”
Officials at BP went on to state that final containment of the flow of money out of the company isn’t expected to happen until November when a relief hose can be placed into upcoming congressional campaign coffers. Once this happens, the plan is to pump a large amount of heavy mud in the congressional elections to eventually seal any chances that BP will actually have to pay for the full extent of the damages caused by the leaking oil well.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Okay here’s the first clip. It’s of Ralph Cramdon from the Honeymooners
Cramdon: (eyes flaring): "I tell ya Alice one of these days – To the Moon!”
Aide: You could say “I tell ya Tony – one of these days – To the Moon!”
Obama: Wouldn’t the public think I’m going to send Tony Hayward on a Space mission?
Aide: I see your point Mr. President. Lets try this one from the Incredible Hulk
Hulk: "You won’t like me when I’m angry! " (gets huge and green and starts tearing up the lab).
Aide: We think the environmentalist might go for the green look, and we could get the makeup guys to sort of bulk you up. Try the dialog
Obama: (in moderate level voice): You, uh, probably won’t, uh, like me, uh, when I get upset.
Aide: OK, how about this one from Taxi
“You talking to me Hayward, you must be talking to me cause I don’t see nobody else here!" (gets out Magnum 45’s and starts blasting).
Obama: I’m not sure I could do the Mohawk hair thing, and the anti-gun folk’s wouldn’t like the blasting with the Magnum’s thing.
Aide: Okay, here’s one we adapted from The Soprano’s.
"Get in the car Tony, it’s time youse and me takes a little ride. Our boys are pretty upset about what youse done to the Gulf, so we wants youse to go down there and fix it youse-self. Would you mind putting your feet into this tub of cement."
Obama: Youse and Me??
Abbott: Then Who is buried in the second?
Costello: No Hu is buried in the first
Abbott: So who is buried in the third?
Well you get the rest……
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
New Orleans, LA
With America's growing fascination with the BP Oil Spill. Cable TV networks have picked up on the idea of launching a 24 hour feed of the Oil Spill. Viewers in a Test Audience commented, "It's a lot like watching a lava lamp - you get in rhythm with the swaying column of leaking oil. It's very relaxing". Viewers will be able to tune in 24 hours a day to watch the live feed. Revenue will be generated from moving banner ads that will be displayed at intervals along the bottom of the screen. Viewers will also be able to switch views from the underwater leak to an aerial shot of the the patterns of oil on the surface as it moves across the coastline. Amid concerns that the show might be sort lived if BP manages to contain the spill, a TV executive said "Fat chance of that happening anytime soon."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Baton Rouge, LA
After nearly a month of bad PR, Congressional Inquiries, and still failed efforts to contain the oil leak. BP executives annouced today that they are changing their focus from Oil Exploration, to building managing and Nuclear Power Plants. As one executive put it "We feel we can easily apply the expertise we've gained from the oil business and put it to use in the emerging Nuclear Power industry."
Can you say Worst Nightmare?
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
New Orleans, LA
If tomorrow's attempt of a "Top Shot" to stop the undersea oil leak fails, scientists at British Petroleum are considering trying a "Bottom Shot". A "Bottom Shot" consists of first lowering a toilet over the well head. Once secured, a deep sea diver descends and basically sits on it and takes a big dump, which hopefully will stop the leak. As one un-named BP official stated, "finding people who are full of crap around here is no problem".
Friday, May 21, 2010
How you say??
It’s Simple – Start Your Own Home Refinery!
Yes refining oil from crude oil is as simple brewing beer in your bath tub and best of all there’s a huge supply of FREE CRUDE oil just waiting there for you and you to scoop it up.
With our simple kit, and few hundred gallons of crude oil that you can simply scoop up for FREE from anywhere along the gulf shoreline, you’ll be able to make your own gasoline from your own refinery right in your own home.
No more paying big bucks at the gas station to fill up your car!
Before long you’ll be selling your own gasoline and making big bucks like those morons at BP!
Best of all at the rate this thing is spilling you’ll have an endless supply of raw crude oil for years to come.
In a strange news conference yesterday, British Petroleum announced today that the Oil Spill, that remains 90% uncontorlled, is just their way of protesting higher taxes on oil much as the Boston tea Party was the Colonialists' way of protesting taxation on Tea.
Apparently they are trying to capitalize on the growing popularity of the Tea Party Movement in a bid to win sympathy and prevent the federal government from enacting more stringent regulations.
At the conference BP announced that they will continue dumping oil in protest until the US government repeals all taxes on it.
Good luck with that one!
Friday, May 14, 2010
BP officials have revealed for the first time the material they plan to pump into the leaking pipeline to stop the leak. After considering golf balls and old tires, they found that they were insufficiently "trashy" enough to do the job. This is what they finally decided would work.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
New Orelans, LA
After the latest attempt to stop the BP oil spill failed after using a 4 story “hat” to cap off the deep well head, engineers are looking into new “hat” designs that might work. Here are a few candidates for re-designed "hat's".
This is the design that has been suggested by Consumer Groups and Environmentalists
This design is favored by Wall Street
This is the design that was recommended by the Engineering community
This design is favored by the Texas Oil Rig Workers
This design is the one most favored by the general public
Sunday, May 2, 2010
New Recipes for Gulf Seafood
As they say, “If life gives you lemons, make Lemonade!” Chefs in
This is a variation on Oysters Rockefeller. Take 6 oysters (shucked). Place them on a small raised dish sitting in a larger dish filled with sea or salt. Fill the smaller dish with light crude oil and ignite to cook the oysters. The burning crude will mask the oily taste of the oysters and impart their own unique flavor. The cooked oysters can them be dipped in the oil tainted salt water to give them their unique BP flavor.
Blackened Red Fish (BP style)
Take 1 Red fish or Beam. Place in dish filled with oil tainted sea water and ignite. Serve when thoroughly blackened.
Shrimp BP style
Cook and shuck gulf shrimp recently caught in tainted waters off
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Following on the heels of the Arizona State Legislature’s new Immigration “Stop and Prove Citizenship” law, the IRS is also implementing a new policy that would require all law enforcement officials to stop and question citizens in the State of Arizona to prove that they have filed and are not delinquent on their income taxes. The provisions of this law make it mandatory for all persons to carry proof of filing and payment of all federal and state income taxes or be subject to arrest.
“We feel it is about time that the government take this enforcement seriously. After all, the law is the law, and it is a federal crime to be delinquent in paying your taxes. Just look at the criminals who avoid paying taxes – drug dealers, pimps, gun dealers – not to mention those high-and-mighty Wall Street types! Nope, it’s time to start enforcing the laws of this country! If you can’t prove you paid, you’re going to get arrested! We don’t intend to profile anyone, but confidentially, if you are white and drive a Mercedes, you had better carry proof of payment to the IRS!”
Original Satire from
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
In a last ditch effort to persuade hold-out democrats and Joe Liberman, Nancy Pelosi personally summoned Satan to persuade them to vote for the Health Care Reform bill.
Satirical News Service
As soon as the final vote count was completed in the US House of Representatives, millions of Republicans simply keeled over dead as soon as passage of the bill was assured rather than face government sponsored health care reform. Mitch McConnell – who remained alive long enough to give this interview – stated “See, we told you this would happen”. The scene of millions of Tea Baggers bodies lining capitol mall could be seen on FOX TV. Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck could not be reached for comment.
Original Satire from
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Following recent hospitalization for heart problems, former VP Cheney received mandatory counseling for end of life issues where it was determined that his condition was tragically hopeless. Following this meeting, a heavily sedated Cheney was wheeled out of the hospital in a gurney to a nearby airport where a private jet was awaiting his arrival. Hospital public relations officials stated he was being taken to an undisclosed hospice location where he will be allowed to meet his inevitable death out of the eyes of the prying public. Officials assured us they are do everything in their power to ease his pain with very high doses of narcotics that would ordinarily be considered harmful or even fatal if the prognosis were not so grim to begin with.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Satirical News Service
After a minor fall on ice, one un-named US Olympic athlete suffered a serious laceration to his hand. The terrified athlete, fully cognizant of the horrors of socialized medicine in Canada from the reports he’d heard from FOX News, was dragged kicking and screaming to the city’s state of the art hospital. There he endured an excruciating 10 minute wait to undergo suturing the laceration by highly trained emergency room doctors. He could only pray that the death panels of government bureaucrats that roamed the ER, would miss him. Later he would thank his luck that he lived in the USA where his private health insurance could deny his claim without the intervention of BIG GOVERNMENT for seeking medical treatment at a facility not in his provider network and without prior approval!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Port a Prince, Haiti
Today the president of the Republic of Haiti stated that the huge blizzards that are paralysing the entire eastern seaboard and mid-atlantic region are due to GOD's wrath over the recent remarks by Evangelical preacher, Pat Robertson.
Today serval new psych diagnoises were added to the new DSM-IV, or the bible of pschological diagnosises. These included the following:
It is hoped that these new diagnosises will clarify existing confusion about already existing diagnosises.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A recent scientific study that was released this week showed patients thought to be in a persistent vegetative state, actually do have brain activity and are able to respond to questions. Following on this study, FOX TV announced today that it would be producing a new TV Quiz show modeled after its already popular "So You're Smarter Than a Fifth Grader", called "So You're Smarter Than A Persistent Vegetative Patient". In it "normal" people would compete against patients deemed to be in a persistent vegetative state. If the patient wins, they would be given a prize of either being taken off life support or a new Wii Playstation. Losers would be sent to Congress.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
In a new message from Osama Bin Laden, he lashed out against global warming, blaming the US and the West for causing it. He further promised to set an example by making terrorism “Greener”. In a press release to Al Jazirah, he promised to start using more recyclable materials in his suicide bombs, and use either alternative fuel or high mileage vehicles for suicide bombs. He also wants to make cleaner bombs that won’t put as much carbon into the atmosphere. Nuclear material however has not been ruled out.
Original Satire from
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Recently CNN aired footage of Anderson Cooper rescuing a young boy injured during looting in earthquake ravaged Haiti. Not to be upstaged by this coverage, FOX News today aired a segment showing Glenn Beck stepping in to heroically rescue an elderly woman carrying a sign saying “NO US AIDE TO HAITI DEVIL WORSHIPERS”, who was being verbally abused by a crowd of Liberals.
In a statement released by FOX News, Glenn Beck stated “Sometimes you have to throw off the cool detached objectivity of just covering the news and respond directly to the events as they enfold, and protect the things and people that matter most to you.”
Although some people have suggested that this whole event was staged to boost his ratings, FOX News denied such accusations.
Original Satire From
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sad looking boy: “It all started with that first visit to the doctors office.” “Just take a few of theseVitamins", he said, "they’ll be good for you.”
Sad looking teenage girl: “Before long it was birth control pills, PAP smears, and annual mammograms.”
Sad looking middle aged man: “Then it was colonoscopies, prostate exams, blood pressure medicines, cholesterol lowering medicines, anti-depressants, PAIN pills!”
Sad looking older man: “Before I knew it I was going to the doctor every other week for this or that. Then came the tests, and specialists, and dangerous exposure to x-rays and magnetic fields. Joint Replacements, Heart Valve Replacements! I was hooked!”
Sad looking frail old woman with IV’s and Oxygen in a wheel chair: “Don’t let this happen to you! When it comes to healthcare, don’t even start! Just say NO to healthcare!”
Sponsored by the bi-partisan committee to contain healthcare costs
Original Satire from
Following a recent episode where a Kentucky bound airliner was forced to divert and land because an Orthodox Jewish passenger donned a teffillin – a small leather prayer box that is wound to the body with leather straps – and started praying in Hebrew, the TSA announced today that it would ban all religion on US flights.
From now on the TSA will no longer allow any religious objects or prayers aboard any airplane. Passengers wearing any religious objects such as crucifixes or star-of-davids, will be required to place them in a small plastic bag prior to going through security and boarding a plane. Some exemptions will be allowed for certified clergy, but they must obtain and show a certificate from their diocese indicating that they are an ordained minister. Passengers who feel the need to pray will only be permitted to pray silently and unobtrusively 10 minutes before take off, and after the aircraft has touched down on the runway. Under no circumstances will any religious objects be permitted to be used in prayers, nor may passengers pray out loud. Quoting one official from the TSA, “We are doing this in the interest of protecting passengers from potential terrorists.”
Original Satire from
Monday, January 4, 2010
Satirical News Service
Echoing the harsh criticism of President Obama’s lax sense of National Security by certain well known talk show hosts, Vice Presidents and former VP candidates, some members of Congress are proposing installing Water Boarding devices in all major airports to prevent terrorist attacks such as the one that occurred on Xmas.
As one Congressman, who did not want to be named stated, “When we were using water boarding regularly we did not have a single terrorist attack on airplanes.” “It’s time we stopped pussy-footing around with half measures like shoes checks and removing liquids from carry on luggage, and do some REAL passenger screening.”
When asked whether racial or ethnic profiling might be used to select which passengers would be singled out for such treatment, he stated “Absolutely NOT! There is just as much likelihood that the little old granny with her train-case carry-on would be selected as the Middle Eastern looking gentleman wearing a skull cap with a glazed look and muttering prayers in Arabic would be chosen.” “It’s also a whole lot cheaper than those high tech body scanning machines they’re talking about!”
Following 20 or so minutes of water boarding, it would then be determined if the passenger could continue on to board the flight, or instead requested to board a different flight to an undisclosed destination.
The Congressional Committee on Homeland Security is expected to take up this measure in early 2010.
Devices like the one shown here would be used to
pre-screen selected passangers prior to boarding their flights
Original Satire From