Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Following recent hospitalization for heart problems, former VP Cheney received mandatory counseling for end of life issues where it was determined that his condition was tragically hopeless. Following this meeting, a heavily sedated Cheney was wheeled out of the hospital in a gurney to a nearby airport where a private jet was awaiting his arrival. Hospital public relations officials stated he was being taken to an undisclosed hospice location where he will be allowed to meet his inevitable death out of the eyes of the prying public. Officials assured us they are do everything in their power to ease his pain with very high doses of narcotics that would ordinarily be considered harmful or even fatal if the prognosis were not so grim to begin with.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Satirical News Service
After a minor fall on ice, one un-named US Olympic athlete suffered a serious laceration to his hand. The terrified athlete, fully cognizant of the horrors of socialized medicine in Canada from the reports he’d heard from FOX News, was dragged kicking and screaming to the city’s state of the art hospital. There he endured an excruciating 10 minute wait to undergo suturing the laceration by highly trained emergency room doctors. He could only pray that the death panels of government bureaucrats that roamed the ER, would miss him. Later he would thank his luck that he lived in the USA where his private health insurance could deny his claim without the intervention of BIG GOVERNMENT for seeking medical treatment at a facility not in his provider network and without prior approval!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Port a Prince, Haiti
Today the president of the Republic of Haiti stated that the huge blizzards that are paralysing the entire eastern seaboard and mid-atlantic region are due to GOD's wrath over the recent remarks by Evangelical preacher, Pat Robertson.
Today serval new psych diagnoises were added to the new DSM-IV, or the bible of pschological diagnosises. These included the following:
It is hoped that these new diagnosises will clarify existing confusion about already existing diagnosises.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A recent scientific study that was released this week showed patients thought to be in a persistent vegetative state, actually do have brain activity and are able to respond to questions. Following on this study, FOX TV announced today that it would be producing a new TV Quiz show modeled after its already popular "So You're Smarter Than a Fifth Grader", called "So You're Smarter Than A Persistent Vegetative Patient". In it "normal" people would compete against patients deemed to be in a persistent vegetative state. If the patient wins, they would be given a prize of either being taken off life support or a new Wii Playstation. Losers would be sent to Congress.