Amazon Touts Store with No Pay Check-Out Lines – LA Watts Community Says They Had It First

Satirical News Service
Los Angeles, CA

While Amazon Inc. touted it’s first “checkout-less” store this week, the LA Watts community poo-pooed it saying “Hey man, we had that more than 25 years ago - and back then all them white folks got all uppidy-duppity-lock-em-up about it, so we had to stop. Figures though – when some white dude does something that everybody goes Oh how great – but when we did it back then it was ‘lock em up’”.

Mexico Agrees to Let Their Government Fill-in for Shut Down US Government

Satirical News Service
Mexico City

In a show of making better relations between the US and Mexico, Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto has offered to let the Mexican government take the place of the US one until they can work things out. “Our first priority would be to settle the immigration debate and defund the wall, legalize marijuana, and prostitution, ban guns, and who knows….” Many Americans have warmed up to this idea. While Mexico is known for its graft-ridden bureaucracy one US citizen said “Maňana and a 10 dollar bill is better than never and a billion bucks”

MEXICO DECIDES TO BUILD WALL – TO KEEP GRINGOS OUT!

Satirical News Service
Mexico City

With Congress and Trump now wavering on building the Border Wall, Mexico’s president Enrique Peña Nieto today announced that Mexico is now going to build the Border Wall –to keep Gringos out!

“The United States is sending the worst kind of people to Mexico – gun traffickers, drug seekers, rapists, pornography dealers, and wild party goers who are straining the financial resources of our country. Just the number of police needed to maintain order at even one gringo party in Cabos San Lucas takes valuable law enforcement people away from fighting drug cartels. They are sending their elderly infirm people to get drugs that they can’t legally buy in the US like Laetril, ViagaraXL, and Oxycodone. They are sending their gun dealers who provide a plethora of weaponry to anyone who wants to buy them.

For this reason, we in Mexico need to have a strong border wall to keep out this gringo riff-raff who are draining our financial resources. I am asking Mexico to build this wall --- And make American Tax Payers PAY FOR IT!"

“Trump Has Highest Mental Fitness Score Ever Recorded” Testifies White House Physician

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

“After conducting a thorough mental fitness exam on President Trump, I can conclude that he scored the highest mental fitness score ever recorded” stated Dr. Ronny Jackson. He went on to say “As for his physical health, he has the stamina of an 18-year-old Olympic athlete and the largest, (um,er...) – ‘button’ I’ve ever seen in a male,“

“You See – I told you so!” beamed President Trump leaving the Walter Reed Hospital.

Immediately after the press conference, Dr. Jackson was reunited with his wife and children who were being kept secure by secret service agents to avoid any anger or retaliation that might be posed by Democrats.

New Wave of Norwegian Boat People Flood U.S. Shores

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

The US Coast Guard today reported a huge flood of refugees in small boats off the coast of Florida, all bearing a Norwegian flag. These dark-skinned-blonde-haired Norwegians all said they wanted to Immigrate to America. "Ya sure, you betcha!" exclaimed one immigrant "Vee all Luv Amerika, ve ain't from no shit-hole country, Vee all from Norway!"

Own Your Own Virtual Mint Bitcoin Set

Satirical News

Remember when Gold was selling for $35 per ounce; Silver for $7? 

Now from the Mankin Mint Virtual Collectable Corporation comes the timeless collection of Mint Condition Virtual Renderings of  Bitcoins. Each set comes with its own Certificate of Authenticity Certifying each one is a Mint Condition Virtual Rendering of an actual bitcoin. Each virtual coin is preserved for all time in its pristine virtual condition. Now you can own your own virtual collection for our remarkable special offer price so low we are not allowed to publish it. Call today to get your set before they are all gone!

Nobel Commission Creates New Prize for “Twittering” – Awards First One to Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

Today the Nobel Commission announced that they have created a new Nobel Prize category for “Twittering”. According to the commission “We have recently been made aware of how important this activity is to the entire world. Without it, we would not be able to know the minds of our world leaders or keep up with the latest internal cock-fights between great individuals, nor bring the world perilously close to nuclear Armageddon. Therefore in our estimation, there is a great need to recognize the accomplishments of people who have endeavored in this field.”

The commission announced that the first Nobel Prize for this would go to Donald Trump to recognize his “genius” in the field of Twittering.

New Milestone in Aviation Set as United Airlines Actually Completes a Scheduled Flight

Satirical News Service
Chicago, Ill

In what is being hailed as a new milestone in American aviation, United Airlines today announced that it had actually completed a scheduled flight.

“We DID IT!” said one spokesperson, “No turning back for wrongly ticketed passengers, poop on bathroom walls, stinky odors, unruly passengers, or anything else. The plane took off, flew, and landed – just as it was scheduled to do. While this flight was only a short hop from Cleveland to Pittsburgh, it represents a new milestone for us and all of American Aviation. In the not too distant future passengers will regularly be able to board an airplane and arrive at their planned destination without turning back or doing an unscheduled landing at another airport. But for now, this small step represents a big jump for us and all of aviation.”

Trump Responds to Kim's Nuclear Button Tweet