Trump to Sign Formal Surrender to Taliban After Conversion to Islam

 

Trump shown here holding a copy the Koran after converting to Islam

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new secret deal has been hammered out with leaders of the Taliban. After convincing Taliban leaders that Donald Trump is still the US President and has been re-instated just as he claimed. He will be flown to Kabul to sign a formal surrender to the Taliban after which will he be shown converting to Islam. In exchange, the Taliban will allow free unhindered passage to the US-held airport until the evacuation can be completed. Trump will be escorted to Kabul by US Marshalls willingly or unwillingly where he will have a choice to comply or come home in two pieces. Once he has complied, he will be allowed to fly to Russia to remain there free from US prosecution. In a statement by un-named government sources who brokered the deal, he said “Trump has said he wants to help the Afghan people and show how much rapport he has with the Taliban leaders, now he has a chance to.” The Biden Administration is saying it is a win-win situation for everyone.

Desperate Passengers Clamor Onto One of the Few SPIRIT Airlines Planes Actually Planning To Fly

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Chaos ensured at a major unnamed US airport today as desperate passengers, some of whom have been waiting for more than a week clamor to get onto a Spirit jet that is actually set to fly. Passengers were seen climbing over the wings, wheels, and holding onto anything that would enable them to get out on that flight. Spirit Airlines regrets the delays, but declined to comment on this scene.

Republicans Pushing to Liberate Greenland as Next US Military involvement

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the fall of Afghanistan now nearly complete, Republicans are trying to rally their party around a new military cause to deflect Trumps’s involvement in causing the Afghan collapse and Taliban victory.

“It’s important that we find a new war soon so we can have an excuse to call for boosting military spending and have lots of rallies and parades to show we support our troops”, said Lindsay Graham. “We are looking closely at Greenland as the site of our next military involvement. The fact that it has no army or even a sizable population makes it an ideal advisory. Also, we can paint it as the base of the ‘notorious terrorist group Global Warming which has recently attacked the US with forest fires, flooding, and heatwaves. We tried before to negotiate with the Danish government to surrender the territory to us, but they stubbornly refused. Now it’s time to take it ourselves. It’s time to Go Nuuk and liberate Greenland!”

Taliban Fighters in Afghanistan Show Off Captured Aircraft Carrier

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As the Taliban fighters sweep quickly over much of Afghanistan, they are showing pictures of all the US equipment that was captured or left behind that is now in the hands of their fighters. The latest one shows victorious Taliban fighters showing off their latest prize, a captured vintage US Aircraft carrier that was sent to bolster Afghan Naval forces at a cost of several billion dollars. This is quite a surprise since not only does Afghanistan NOT have a navy, but this is a semi-arid landlocked country with no navigable waterways. It is uncertain just what the Taliban would do with such a thing, but US intelligence suggested it might be used as a soccer field.