Iowa Voters Will Determine Outcome Of Super Bowl

Satirical News Service
Iowa City, Iowa

Voters in Iowa will go to the polls next week, and many news services as well as party pundits are saying that whoever wins there will win be the parties nominees in July and August.  What has not been widely reported is that Iowans will also vote to determine the outcome of this year’s Super Bowl. It seems that the nation is looking to the Iowa Caucuses to determine the outcome of more just the election.

“Lets face it”, said Peyton Manning – quarterback for the Denver Broncos, "Once Iowans go to the polls the results of the Super Bowl are cast in stone. It won’t matter a witt what kind of defense we might put up, if Iowa votes for us to win we win, if they vote for Carolina, we lose. Why bother to play?”

Many Evangelical Iowans are leaning toward Carolina ever since Denver traded away Tim Tebow. “Manning just doesn’t seem to be praying that well in the pocket” said one Evangelical voter.

New Hampshire is not going down easily with Iowa voters deciding the Presidential Race and  the Super Bowl. “We New Hampshire voters are going to decide the March Madness finals and the NBA playoffs.”

Ted Cruz ‘s First Act will be to Pray to Jesus to Turn Flint Michigan’s Water Into Wine

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an effort to show voters that he’s a true evangelical, Ted Cruz today announced that his first act as President will be to launch a National Prayer Day to ask Jesus to change the lead polluted water of Flint Michigan into wine. “We don’t need more  bureaucratic ,job killing regulations or tax payer dollars to clean up our water, we only need the power of prayer.”

Some people have criticized this move saying it would only promote more under aged drinking and alcohol abuse, but Cruz fired back to his critics that he’ll ask Jesus to make the wine non-alcoholic.

Sources close to the Cruz campaign have suggested that he’ll introduce similar biblical inspired prayer measures to address healthcare and food stamps.

Brave Armed Americans Make Desperate Stand Against Migratory Birds

Satirical News
Princeton, Oregon

A handful of brave Americans are holding out on the besieged Oregon plains barricaded in the one lone building against thousands of migratory birds. It is now more than 10 days since these brave souls armed only with semi-automatic weapons, handguns, and shotguns have stood steadfast in the face of these angry birds. Although it is difficult to understand what the birds are saying, it is clear that they want nothing less than the unconditional surrender of these patriots. “Once they get a foothold here, it’s no telling where they’ll want to go next”, said their leader Ammon Bundy.” It’s the Alamo all over again. We going to hold out until the last bird dies”.

Musket Finally Pried from Charlton Heston’s Cold Dead Hands

Charlton Heston shown here clutching the musket he was buried clutching

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a massive Federal Effort lasting almost 10 years and costing some 500 million dollars, the 18^th century musket that Charlton Heston was buried clutching has finally been pried loose. The undertaking was begun shortly after his death in 2008 as a means to provide some tiny measure of gun control, even if only symbolic. A large part of the cost of this endeavor was due to efforts by gun control opponents and lobbyists who spent millions of dollars to try shut down the program. 

President Obama appeared on National TV today to praise the efforts of all those involved in this massive undertaking and to say that Americans now sleep safer because at last the gun has been pried from Heston’s cold dead hands.

The Trump that Stole Xmas

A little late, but still relevant....

The Trump that Stole Xmas

(with apologies  to Dr. Suess)

All the GOPS down in GOPville liked primaries a lot

Except for the Trump who did not

He hated the Primaries, the whole campaign season

And its not very hard to see the main reason

It could be his ego or the candidates he’s dissed,

It could be his tweets and or the women he’s pissed

But whatever the reason his tweets or his schtick

The Presidential campaigning made him just sick

He stood on the platform in New Hampshire last week

And heard all the other candidates speak

Starring down from his podium, his visage was glum

“You’re losers he cried –every one!”

But he knew every GOP in New Hampshire just now

Was sizing him up, to see if he’d WOW.

And he said I must stop those others from winning

but HOW?

I know what I’ll do said the Trump with glee

I’ll make lots of tweets and say stuff on TV

I’ll say lots of stuff that is stupid you’ll see

And I’ll show all those GOPS just how outside I can be

So he pounced on Muslims and Mexicans too

And he gleamed how his values were red white and blue.

He denounced Ted Cruz and Rubio too

And shouted to the media “I’ll show you who’s-who”

And the Tea Party loved him, he’s the one we agree!

We’ll I guess he’s better than Carson or Chris Christie

So in a wink of an eye his poll numbers grew

And he said F***K Off to the Koch Brothers too!

And as he looked down on GOPville this Xmas and grinned

How he, the Trump, had taken them all in.

Donald Trump’s Real Birth Certificate Surfaces – He’s Bin Laden’s Half Brother.

Satirical News Service

Washington DC News

A new document has surfaced claiming to be Donald Trump’s real birth certificate. It revealed for the first time that Donald Trump’s real birth mother was not Mary MacLeod and his true birthplace was actually in Saudi Arabia. Moreover, he was born to a Muslim mother. His true birth mother was Hamida al-Attas, one of the wives of Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden and mother to Osama Bin Laden. That makes Donald Trump Osama Bin Laden’s half brother. After Donald was born in 1948, he was secretly adopted by Fred and Mary Trump and brought to this country to be raised. It is not known if Donald was ever made aware of this, but there was a cryptic note on the birth document that was found with the birth certificate. It said.

“To my half brother Donald- Good luck with the new Trump Twin Towers in New York – I think we cleared the way for you.

Inshallah  - Osama.”

Donald trump was unavailable for comment.

French Want The Statue of Liberty Back

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After watching Donald Trump’s latest campaign ad which featured thousands of refugees storming the border (actually Morrocco) and demanding a halt to Muslims entering the U.S., French President François Hollande has requested that the U.S. return the Statue of Liberty.

“We gave this gift to you as a symbol to honor your benevolence and willingness to provide to all who come to your shores looking for equal opportunities and a new life free from persecution. After watching the latest Trump ad, and listening to all the vitriolic rhetoric coming out of the presidential campaign, we feel that your country is no longer the proper place for this great statue. We therefore respectfully request that you return it to us at the earliest opportunity. We will start to look for another more worthy place to relocate it - perhaps Canada”.