FAKE NEWS (just seems like it could be true)

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Cigarettes Re-Branded as Herbal Food Supplements

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

As Cigarette companies face declining sales and tighter regulations, R.J. Reynolds, the leading cigarette company, today announced that they are no longer going to make cigarettes. Instead, they are redesigning and re-branding their products as “Inhaled Herbal Supplements”. Taking a page from the rapid growth in sales for Vitamin Water and other such products, they have infused their products with as much vitamins as you’d find in a box of cereal. They are also adding so called anti-oxidants such as acai that would “eliminate any cancerous cells that might be produced.” 

By re-classifying their products as a food supplement, they bypass all the regulatory scrutiny of the FDA and other government regulatory agencies. They also appeal to a gullible public who think that anything that contains the word vitamin or herbal is going to be healthy. Quoting from one executive, “People will believe any type of healthful claims as long as you add the words herbal, vitamin, and all-natural to the product.”

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Apple Drops Hints About the Iphone8 – It’s Going to Be the Phone for the Rest of Us!

Tim Cook, Apple CEO holding prototype of the iPhone8
Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Just as Apple Inc. perches on the cusp of launching its new iPhone7 series, Tim Cook today gave us a clue of what was in store for us with the next iPhone, scheduled for release in about a year. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he stated,
 “The next iPhone will be transformative – It will quite literally be The phone for the rest of us!.   The new iPhone8 will do absolutely nothing! It will be this glass and metal sleek rectangular shape that fits in the palm of your hand. You’ll be able to hold it and stare at its shiny black screen, and be certain of the fact that you will be able to remain completely undisturbed from that experience. It will not ring, buzz – play music or videos - take pictures or movies,- play games, and most important of all it won’t disturb you with any form of communication other than the psychic bond you form with the sleek object in your hand. It is designed to not work with any network since it cannot send or receive any type of communication, so you won’t be tied into those expensive phone company contacts.”

"Before Steve Jobs died, he passed on his desire to make this a transformative phone. It is designed for people who don’t want to play games, chat with friends, sit around in restaurants texting, or walking down crowded streets talking on the phone. It is designed for busy executives who want to just be left alone and be inaccessible, and families that just want to have a meal together and actually speak to each other without a phone. Imagine friends getting together face-to-face with nothing to get in the way of real conversation except to marvel at the exquisite beautiful design of the iPhone8. It will give it's owners a truly Zen-like bonding experience with their iPhone." 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

My Memories of Forbidden Food 2129

I was a typical boy raised in the twenties – that’s “2-aught-20’s to most of you. It was  in the post Bernie Sanders' mandatory food safety laws era where nothing that might be considered dangerous or unhealthy was allowed in food. In fact the very act of eating could be equated with sex for the sole purpose of procreation- “Get it in, and get it out- nothing more”. Thus our family meals consisted of organically grown brown rice, non-GMO, salt-free, additive-free soy protein blocks with no added flavorings, or coloring, and lots of organically grown kale. For special occasions, like birthdays, we were allowed gluten-free-sugar-free-dairy-free-fat-free, GMO-free birthday cake with sugar-free-additive-free-color –free tofu “ice cream”. On movie nights we’d have raw carrot sticks and celery, toasted flax seeds with no added salt, and rarely, but best of all, carob drops with no added sweeteners. Life was good….until I went to college and in my freshman year entered the forbidden world of illegal food.

Sure, I knew about Pizza. It was the stuff made with gluten-free spelt flour topped with soy cheese and organically grown kale and tomatoes. It was nothing special. But one day my college roommate had a friend visiting who had been to one of those illegal underground restaurants- the kind that made pizza that contained wheat gluten and mozzarella cheese that had actually been made from dairy products! Late that night, after smoking some legal grade-A medically certified recreational pot, he took us to one of those underground pizza places. The menu had all kinds of toppings that you could get on your pizza; of things I’d never heard of- pepperoni, Italian sausage, salami. Things that had been banned by the Nutritional Food Act of 2019. I can still remember that intoxicating smell that came from the kitchen. “What is that smell”, I inquired. “It’s the smell of actual wheat dough cooking in a pizza cooker, or ‘oven’ as he called it.” A few minutes later the pizza laden with “everything” was placed before us. There was actual grease from animal products swirling in amongst the crisp melted full-fat mozzarella cheese. “Go ahead”, he said, “take a slice”. Before I could stop myself and consider the lifelong health consequences of what I was putting into my mouth, I grabbed a piping hot slice and took my first bite ever of that forbidden pie. Immediately the swirl of flavors overcame me, and despite burning my lips on the hot gooey cheese, I devoured the whole piece – and then another, and another, before long we had consumed the entire large pizza.

Fully satiated now, we headed back to our dorm room where our new found friend regaled us with his tales of other forbidden foods he’d tasted. He boasted of going to “Hamburger Joints” where patties of non-organic ground beef were cooked over burning carbon and then were placed inside something called a “bun” made of gluten impregnated bleached white flour. He described French Fries -slices of potato actually fried in fat with lots of salt! He then went on to describe washing it all down with a drink made of pasteurized milk, chocolate syrup, and ice cream- real dairy ice cream. I could only dream of such delights to the senses. I begged him to take us with him next time. Over the next year we would slip into the non-agricultural commerce zones and sample these forbidden exotic fruits of Eden. Doughnuts – gluten-laden sugary rolls fried in fat and filled with chocolate crème! Pig ribs cooked over burning wood with some type of indescribable tomato and molasses sauce, and more. We even went to a baseball game (football had recently been banned), and in a back alley near the stadium a man had a little cart from which he pulled out pink tubes of nitrite laden meat byproducts which he placed into one of those buns and smothered them with mustard, ketchup (that actually contained corn syrup), and onions. We sat in the stadium watching the game eating those “dogs” as he called them, although he said they didn’t actually contain dog meat, and washing them down with real Beer that contained both alcohol and gluten. Baseball games were never so grand after that.

Now as I enter my 108th year of life, still in good health, though my hearing and eyesight are failing, every night my dreams steal away to those great times eating the forbidden fruits of Eden and relishing in their delightful aromas and flavors once again.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Sea World Does Away with All Marine Animal Acts – Will Use Human Actors instead.

Satirical News Service
Orlando, FL

After announcing that it will end their Killer Whale breeding program, the CEO of Sea World also announced the end of all Marine Animal acts. Instead they will use humans in whale and dolphin costumes performing a variety of tricks. They said that they are currently looking for very agile individuals who love the water and really love raw fish!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Obama Names "Bo" as Nominee to Replace Scalia on Supreme Court

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Obama named his dog “Bo” today to be the nominee to replace Anthony Scalia on the Supreme Court.  In his press conference today he stated “Bo" is infinitely more qualified than Clarence Thomas, and he talks a lot more. Also he won’t need to buy robes since he already got the right colors for the job. It would be the first time there was a dog represented on the Supreme Court.  Let’s see the Republicans try to block this one and upset all the dog lovers in the US.”

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

United Airlines Announces New Passenger Configurations on Airplanes

New Passenger Configuration on United Airlines 737's

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Shortly after United Airlines announced that they were changing their seating configuration on their 777’s to 10 across, they announced an entirely new passenger configuration for their workhorse 737’s. In a statement released by United Airlines they stated “We are eliminating the luggage compartment entirely. Instead we are turning the passenger section into a double-decker. To do this, passengers will no longer be able to sit, but will be placed supine on their back to completely fill the plane from front to back on two levels. Bathrooms will be removed and passengers once placed will not be able to move. Too accommodate the maximum number of passengers, this configuration will be done on two levels with only 24 inches of space between the levels. Passengers will be required to crawl to their assigned spaces. They will no longer be able to bring luggage except for a very small personal item bag. Spirt Airlines is also expected to adopt these same configurations and other airlines are sure to follow suit. 

Spongebob Square Pants Considering Presidential Run as Third Party Candidate

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Spongebob Square pants, the beloved cartoon character from  the cartoon series bearing his name has announced that he is considering a bid for Presidency as a third Party Candidate. Recent polls have given him a nearly 15 point lead over any of the Republican or Democratic front runners.  Spongebob Square Pants has decided advantages over all the other candidates as he has no genitals at all to speak of and thus cannot be characterized by the other candidates as a “Dumb D**k” or “Stupid C**t”. Being green makes him the minority candidate of color, and also by being green he appeals to environmentalists.  He has a very wide appeal to Latino voters having been on Spanish Language TV for a number of years now. Some Republicans though characterize him as being “soft” on matters such as immigration and terrorism, but many like the fact that he has legs and will stand up against higher taxes and big government. “No one is going to wring him out to dry!” quoted one supporter.  While many feel he has strong family values, some evangelical voters are skeptical since according to Jerry Falwell, "he displays homosexual tendencies in his cartoon shows". Donald Trump immediately declared that he was ineligible because according to his bio he lives in underwater city of Bikini Bottom which, according to some third-party sources, is located in the Pacific Ocean beneath the real life coral reef Bikini Atoll. While technically this is a US territory, Trump wants him to produce a birth certificate to prove he’s an American citizen. Most voters though have expressed the opinion “This election has become nothing more than a cartoon show anyway, so why not?”

Match.com Admits Mistake Matching Kim Jong Un With Nuclear Warhead

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Match.com admitted today that maybe it was a mistake to tell Kim Jong Un that his perfect soul mate was this miniaturized nuclear warhead.  Spokespersons from that company said that while they strive to create the perfect match based upon the answers their clients provide, it was not intended to pair individuals with inanimate objects, and especially not weapons of mass destruction. We regret this error and are making efforts to correct the problem.

Meanwhile Kim Jong Un is delighted with the match and nuptials are being planned for some time in the future. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Hitler was a loser! – Trump Responds

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After people at Trump rally’s started  yelling “Sig Heil”, and comparing him to Hitler, Trump responded back vehemently.

 “Hitler was a loser! I’m a winner. His was a terrible leader  and he lost the war and killed himself - what does that say about his ability to lead. And that Eva Braun woman – the ugliest woman you’ve ever met. Look at his ridiculous hair style and that stupid mustache. Anyone who loses a war like that is a total loser. I won’t be a loser like Hitler because I know how to make deals. I would have made a deal with Britain and America and then win the war against Russia. I would not have gone after the Jews the way he did – you know some of my best friends are Jewish. Those concentration camps were a bad idea, I’d just kick them out and let make some other country build the concentration camps. He had the right idea though about the Atlantic wall, but if my people had built it, it would still be standing. No Hitler was a total loser. I’m a winner! If I were leader of Germany, I'd make the Third Reich Great again!"

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Hillary Clintons Secret Emails Revealed - Between Donald Trump and Her

The FBI has finally released the last of the emails that have been kept secret on Hillary Clinton’s server. It appears to reveal a number of very intimate exchanges between Donald Trump and her.

My Dearest Hillary:
                I know how much it means to you to win the Presidency this time.  I have a plan – I know it sounds audacious, but trust me darling it will work! I will run for President on the Republican ticket! I’ll rant and rave about Build a Wall between the US and Mexico, I’ll say we’ll kick out all the Muslims. Those Tea Party idiots and Right Wing nuts eat it up, meanwhile the established Republican candidates won’t know what hit them as my poll numbers keep climbing and climbing. I’ll even go on TV and tell the world my Dick is bigger than theirs (but you already know that my darling…..). Soon they won’t be able to touch me. Meanwhile the rest of America will see how totally insane the Republican Party is and you’ll be a shoo-in. Then at last you’ll be free to dump that oaf Bill and we can rule the world together – just like we did that one night until those stupid terrorists in Bengazi  ruined it. Have faith my dearest Hillary. This time we will prevail, because I know how to do Great Things!

Dearest Donald,
                I cannot ask you to take such a risk, your reputation will be ruined. Please I can handle Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz and Rubio on my own.

Dearest Hillary,
                This is something I must do! I cannot bear to see you swept aside once again by an ungrateful nation of idiots. So what if they think of me as a misogynist, racist, bully. If it means getting you into the White House, it will have been worth it.

Dearest Donald

                You ARE the greatest! How I long to run my fingers though that thinning front wave of hair again. For now this must be kept our sacred secret.