Putin Sends Trump Device “Ask Alexi” as Inauguration Gift

Ask Alexi Device

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Putin disclosed today that he has sent Donald Trump an Inauguration gift modeled after the Amazon Echo device. It’s called “Ask Alexi”.  Not only will it provide answers to important questions that it is asked but it loves to play guessing games. Trump promised to place it right on his desk, just as Putin suggested.

He demonstrated how it works.

Alexi: Dasvednanya Mr. Trump. Would you like to play guessing game?

Trump: Yes

Alexi: OK, I am guessing that the code to launch your nuclear missiles is 5678

Trump: No Alexi, that’s wrong it’s really ZXAB45678MX3456

Alexi: Oh My, You win

Alexi” I am guessing your password for your private email is Donald@topsecretnet.com

Trump: You’re right!

Alexi: Thanks for playing Donald. We should do this more often.  

Steve Bannon Appointed by Trump to head Smithsonian Institution

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump announced today that Steve Bannon will be appointed to head the prestigious Smithsonian Institution, which also includes the Natural History Museum, Native American Museum and Black History Museum. In accepting the appointment, Bannon stated “For too long these museums focus has been on showing a Political Correct view of History, focusing on minorities, and insignificant achievements of Latinos and women, with very little portraying the great achievements of White Males, and only showing Liberal interpretations of Natural History. We plan to change that.”

Sources close to Bannon said that emphasis will be placed on showing the achievements of great entrepreneurs like Jamie Damon of JP Morgan, David Cole, Charles Keating, Angelo R. Mozilo former head of Countrywide Mortgages, Martin Shkreli, former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO, and of course Donald Trump.

Other plans include refocusing the Black History museum to show how happy slaves were in the South under slavery, and showing the vital role the KKK played in protecting newly freed slaves from other radical Negroes, and Federal government agents who wanted to take away their jobs. A large exhibition is also planned demonstrating how Obama successfully forged his birth certificate.

The Natural History Museum will change its politically correct emphasis, and portray Creationism as a likely alternative to liberal scientists’ view of human history and climate change.

Many people have nicknamed these museums-to-be “Bannon’s Believe it Or Else Museum!”

Mount Rushmore to be Renovated for Trump's Inauguration

Satirical News Service
Mount Rushmore, South Dakota

Upon learning of President Elect's choice for heading the Interior Department, the National Parks Service announced that they were going ahead with some planned renovations to Mount Rushmore to coincide with Donald Trumps Inauguration. In preparation for these renovations, some oddly shaped wooden scaffolding has been erected. While not commenting on what they resemble or the statement it appears to make, the National Parks Director stated that he expects the scaffolding to remain there for at least 4 years.

Pulitzer Prize for Fiction Awarded to Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

This year’s Pulitzer Prize for Fiction was been awarded to Donald Trump, officials announced today. “He is the complete embodiment of how far a man will go to crate fiction. Everything about the man is a complete work of fiction. He has managed to fulfill the prophecy of 1984’s newspeak with every utterance and tweet. His ability to create fiction from truth seemly at will is a remarkable achievement.”

In other news the Nobel committee has placed Donald Trump on the short list for recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. According to one Nobel committee member, “Not since 911 has one man managed to unite the world in a single cause – namely the opposition to Donald Trump himself. Only Syria and the USSR have not expressed their complete denunciation of the man and his policies.”

Trump Says He’ll Rescind Pardon of Thanksgiving Turkey

Satirical News Service

Washington, D.C.

It has been a tradition going back many administrations for the President to symbolically pardon a live Turkey on Thanksgiving. This year was no exception, with out-going President granting a pardon to one large feathered fowls. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump declared that one of his first acts as President will be to rescind the presidential turkey pardon. “No more Liberal leniency!” Trump declared. “Come January 21^st, this bird get the axe, and this tradition ends now!”

Trump Proposes Leeching To Replace Obamacare

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

The Republican Congress, who are now caught in a position of having to actually fulfill their promise to totally repeal their hated Obamacare, have proposed a new healthcare plan based on “leeching”. Trump aides have pointed out that the practice of leeching, or using live leeches on the body to “drain the body of bad humours” was widely used by our Founding Fathers as effective medical care. Even George Washington used it. Trump has proposed this plan as an alternative to the very expensive Obamacare and Medicare, and says its fits with the Republicans overall plan to bleed the American people dry, and turn science back 200 years.

Hillary Clinton Offered Cabinet Post in Trump Administration

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to reach out to disaffected Democrats who were devastated by Trump's victory. Donald Trump has reportedly offered Hillary Clinton a newly created cabinet post. The post will be called National Scapegoat. Her duties will be to assume the blame for everything that goes awry in the new Trump Presidency and Republican dominated Congress. In a press conference, Donald Trump said.
"We still need Hillary, because when something doesn't go right, I can continue to say it Hillary's fault. I expect she will be quite busy this term. If she decides not to take it, well my new Attorney General will be happy to continue to prosecute her for anything we want to."
There was no comment from the Clintons.

Don’t Live in Loser America – Move to Donald Trumpland

Okay, so Crooked Hillary managed to steal this election. You know what? America is a total loser! Who wants to live there anyway? So to my loyal followers who don’t want to live under the tyranny of Crooked Hillary. I’m offering my loyal followers a better place. It’ll be the best place on the whole planet! It’ll be huge!

Donald Trumpland

Donald Trumpland is an entire island completely owned and governed by me. Believe me, it’ll be the greatest place to live in the world. It’ll be so secure you won’t have to worry about illegal immigrants from Mexico coming to rape and murder you. You won’t have to worry about ISIS terrorists coming to kill you. You can keep your guns and believe me, my security people will make sure that Trump Lives matter!

So how do you sign up. After a vetting process to make sure you are the right kind of person, you only have to put up $300,000 to the Donald Trumpland Foundation, but my Donald Trumpland Bank, will provide you with very reasonable loan rates. You can also lease land to build your dream home and built by Trump Building Company protected by walls that I will even pay for, at prices starting in the mid 200’s. My taxes will be the lowest in the world. They’ll be so low you’ll say, “Please Donald, can’t I pay more?” It will be huge! Think about it people. Isn’t this better than living in a loser country run by Crooked Hillary or a socialist country like Canada?

Oh Captain, My Captain Redeux

Oh Captain, My Captain Revised with profound apologies to Walt Whitman

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders this awful election’s done,

You both have poisoned every well,
Insulted everyone.
The count is in, The Clarions yell, the people have finally spoken!
But hear the opinions of everyone, “the system’s dead and broken”

But Oh Heart! Heart! Heart!
Amid the fruitless cries of “foul”
The American public’s heard it all,
And just threw in the towel.

Oh Leaders, Our Leaders rise up as duty calls!
Rise up, for you the flags are flung, for you the trumpets wail!
But rise you not, but sit you still – For us you all do fail.     

               

Oh Leaders now, the ones we did elect,
Your negative ads have repulsed us all,
Our revulsion you reflect.
We’ve listened to your blatant lies
But still said “What the Heck”.

Our Leaders did not answer to this country’s real needs
Instead we got a “side show clown” and other’s steeped in greed
The election is over, the ads can stop, it’s time to rap things up
Until next time, when our reaction will be “I couldn’t give a F**k!

Donald Trump Declared Legally Insane by Surgeon General

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Just when the election could not become any crazier, the Surgeon General, Vivek H. Murthy, sent a letter to Congressional leaders today stating that "based upon affidavits supported by over 1000 psychiatric doctors who have clinically diagnosed Donald Trump as a dangerous sociopath, and represents a clear and present danger to himself and others, he had no choice but the declare Donald Trump legally insane and unfit to carry out the duties of the Presidency in the event he should become elected". He further stated that Mr. Trump should be immediately be held voluntarily or otherwise for observation and tests in a psychiatric hospital for an unspecified period of time until the extent of his psychosis can be determined. He further went on to say that as surgeon general he had a duty to notify Congress of his findings since it falls to them to approve his recommendations.

In the unlikely event that Trump should be elected, under the 25^th Amendment of the Constitution the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President. Secretly this is the trump card (pardon the pun) that Paul Ryan and other Republican congressmen had been hoping for since they fear a Trump presidency even more than a Democratic one. It is uncertain if he may have played a role in the decision. Rick Pence who as elected VP would assume the office of Presidency under the 25th Amendment. He has not made any statement regarding whether or not he would go along with such a declaration, but inside operatives who know him say he would.

Empty Chair Leads in New Polls

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As the final week before the general election a new surprising new poll has come out suggesting that “The Empty Chair” made famous at the previous election's Republican Convention is  now preferred by 9 out of 10 voters.

Its numbers poll high in every demographic group except complete morons and alt-right conservatives for Trump. 

Those polled says the empty chair’s values are closer to their own than any of the other parties. It also scores higher in character issues.

FBI Director Re-Opens New Investigations Into Obama’s Birth Certificate And Ted Cruz’s Father’s Role In Kennedy Assassination

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Earlier FBI Director James Comey notified members of Congress that the FBI had reopened its investigation into the handling of classified information by Hillary Clinton. Today he followed up with a new letter stating that based upon new evidence found on Anthony Weiner’s computer, he is re-opening investigations into whether or not President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery, and what role Ted Cruz’s father might have played in the Asassination of President John F. Kennedy. Coming so close to this election and seeming to parrot the conspiracy theories put forward by Presidential candidate Donald Trump has raised some questions about whether these investigations might be politically motivated. The director deflected the criticism stating “I’m only doing what any FBI director would do when confronted with such overwhelming evidence of wrong-doing”.

Donald Trump Demands Investigations into Emails of Everyone Who Voted Against Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid revelations that the FBI today has opened up a new investigation into Hillary Clinton’s Emails, Donald Trump as usual tripled down and demanded that the FBI also investigate the emails of all those women who have accused him of sexual advances, as well as every American who voted against him in this election. He wants his poll watchers to get the names and email addresses of everyone who leaves the polling places so that we can start the lengthy investigations. “Who knows what we’ll uncover? This is huge! Huge! Hillary is going to have a lot of company in jail!”

How I Predict the Next Debate between Clinton and Trump Will Likely Go

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

Just when you thought that this election could not possibly stoop any lower, here is how I see the next debate scenario unfolding.

Moderator: Tonight we are broadcasting live in a town hall format where audience members are permitted to ask questions to both candidates. We ask that you please refrain from applauding or making profane statements or throwing up until the end of the debate.

Young girl: Do you think that someone with small genitals is qualified to become our next president

Trump: I can assure you that there is no problem with my size down there.

Hillary: He says there is no problem down there, but he won’t show it to anyone….

Trump (interrupting): I have a signed affidavit from Ivana stating that it’s all in good working order….

Hillary: In fact I have a sworn affidavit from Marla Maples saying that it’s a tiny little prick and that according to sources the New York Times has gotten hold a report that says he hasn’t gotten it up since 1995!

Trump: I’d whip it out right now if you’ll whip your top off and show me your sagging breasts

Hillary: They don’t sag

Trump: They do

Hillary: No they don’t

Trump: Then they’re fake! Just like the rest of you!

Hillary: No they are not! Why don’t you show us your junk! What are you hiding!

Trump: I would show you, but because I am going to have a prostate exam soon my doctor has told me that I should not display it until after that exam – which will show nothing because I’m the very essence of prostate health – but I will if you let me grope and fondle your breasts to see if their real or not.

Hillary: OK FINE!!!!!@!

Trump: OK FINE!!!!!!!

Bill Clinton: Hey, can I get in on this too?

Moderator: Due to the adult content that is being displayed now, we are unable to continue to broadcast the remainder of this debate or face losing our FCC license.

Donald Trump Accuses Hillary Clinton of Causing Hurricane Matthew

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump today doubled-down on his accusations of the things that Hillary Clinton caused including the formation of ISIS, the Great Recession, Benghazi, the Black Death.... He now accuses her of causing the Hurricane Matthew that is now smashing into the US coast line. Showing Radar images taken from space, he stated "this clearly shows an image of Hillary Clinton in the very center of the hurricane! What more proof do you need?"
The Clinton campaign declined to comment on this.

Hillary Clinton Apologies to Donald Trump for Preventing Him from Paying any Income Taxes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A deeply saddened and contrite Hillary Clinton today appeared before the press to deliver a personal apology to Donald Trump for preventing him from paying any income taxes for decades.

“Donald, I want to personally apologize to you for failing to recognize how deeply you wanted to pay your taxes, but because you were a “great businessman”, you simply could not. I realize now how much hurt and embarrassment you must feel as we drag this into the public light, shaming you even more after you had already lost almost a billion dollars. If only you had released these returns earlier, we could have helped you - I could have stopped doing my work for the state department, and come down to Capitol hill and lobby more forcefully to your fellow Republicans who were intransigent about initiating any type of reform. I could have done better, and take full responsibility for forcing you to take all those silly deductions that no one in their right mind should allow. But as a successful businessman, I understand all too well, you simply had no choice. So I am here today to apologize and hopefully allow you to move on and perhaps someday, actually be allowed to pay your fair share of taxes."

Financial Markets Rocked by News of Kim Kardashian West’s Robbery

Satirical News Service
Paris, France

Financial markets across the globe were sent into turmoil today over the news that Kim Kardashian West had been robbed in her Paris hotel room and more that 10 million dollars (US) in jewelry had been taken. Investors worldwide who were closely following the Kardashian’s every move were completely taken by surprise by this shocking new revelation. Stock markets across the globe reacted to this volatile news by tumbling more than 600 points before recovering about one third of the losses. It is still uncertain what Kayne West's reaction to this is going to be, so the turmoil is not yet over, as financial markets await a statement from him.

Hillary Intentionally Gave Me Her Pneumonia! Tweeted Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Many viewers were puzzled by Trumps constant sniffling during the debate last night. Trump later tweeted

“Hillary Gave me her pneumonia on purpose in futile attempt to show that I am not healthy – as I have shown I am repeated times on the Dr. Oz Show – In fact I am the most healthy person on the planet right now – except for this pneumonia that Hillary Clinton intentional gave me, and now I can’t get proper treatment for it because Obamacare is raising the price of medicines so high even I can’t afford them. But don’t worry folks, I’ll still get over it. I have a source in Mexico who can get me whatever I want. So it won’t work Hillary!”

LIberals Fear If TRUMP is Elected Everyone Will be Forced to Carry Guns

Sarirical News Service

Washington, D. C.

Liberal anti-gun lobbies, are warning voters that if Trump is elected, he’ll force everyone to carry a loaded firearm to protect themselves against Muslim Terrorists and Mexican drug dealers and rapists. Many liberals site that while the Second Amendment protects the rights of people to own guns, it does not mandate that they do so. They fear that if Trump allowed to pick the next Supreme Court justice, they may uphold such a mandate. One fearful black mother stated “How will my children protect themselves from police if they know that everyone has a firearm? They’ll shoot first and ask questions later.” Many states are already considering tough “Stand-Your-Ground” laws to protect citizen’s  from the massive proliferation of guns. The NRA, which sponsored this radical bill is heralding a new Golden Age of Second Amendment Rights stating “If you’re a good guy with a gun, what do you have to fear?”.

Obama Devastated to Learn He was not Born in Kenya

After listening to Donald Trump for years, Barack Obama was convinced that he was actually born in Kenya despite having a birth certificate showing he was born in the US. ”Now Trump says he believes I was born in the US! I am devistated! How can I go on after finally accepting my African birthright that Donald Trump so courageously exposed, only to hear him repudiate it?”

Critical Questions for the first Presidential Debate Submitted by Viewers

Satirical News Service
Washington DC 


SNS has obtained a list of questions that selected members of the audience have submitted in advance of the upcoming first debate between Clinton and Trump.

1. Do you think that someone with small genitals is qualified to become president?
2. Which brand of cough drops do you think is better to control coughing fits
3. How would you handle your emails. Would you require all staffers to save spam emails?
4. If a transgender came into your bathroom, would you leave or continue to do your business?
5. If you were president would you use the term Radical Muslims?
6. Mr. Trump, would your first act as president be to fire justices of the Supreme Court. If so which ones?
7. Mr. Trump, can you tell us what extreme vetting might involve, is it kind of like extreme x-games?
8. Do you favor putting a woman on a US 20 dollar bill? If so which one?
9. Mr. Trump, is Mexico the only country you would build a wall across? How about Canada, and maybe an Atlantic and Pacific Wall?
10. Hillary Clinton, do you have any regrets for forming ISIS?
11. Mrs. Clinton, if you became President would you allow Bill to have interns again?
12. Mr. Trump, would you require The Art of the Deal to be mandatory reading in schools?
13. Would you repeal NASCAR since its taking away so many jobs from Americans? How about the INDIE 500?
14. Would you support a ban on Mexican food being served in tax supported school lunches?
15. This is for both Candidates – Which works better Viagra or Cialis?

Trumps Colonoscopy Report Revealed - Confirms He's Completely Full of Shit

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

For the first time Donald Trump presented his "Medical Records" on a live Dr. Oz. show. The report conclusively confirms that he is completely "Full of Shit" as revealed in his recent colonoscopy report.

Trump warns - Voters could catch Hillary's Fatal Pneumonia by voting for her

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After ABC reported that Hillary Clinton has come down with a case of pneumonia, Donald Trump tweeted.
"You know pneumonia is very contagious - very contagious", People have said that just by voting for Hillary Clinton, you could catch her pneumonia and perhaps die from it" I don't know, these are very intelligent people who have said this". If I were voting, I sure would not want to take a chance of catching her fatal disease."

I am Going to be the Most Secretive President in US History

Satirical News Service 
Washington DC 

Amid new FBI revelations that Hillary Clinton lacked basic secrecy training, Donald Trump today responded saying "When I'm President, we'll have total secrecy! "I am going to be the most secretive President in the history of this country! Believe me, I already know how to keep secrets. My tax returns and financial holdings are completely secret. There will be no more leaks coming from my administration either. We'll have extreme vetting for anyone with access to government records, and anyone leaking them  - they're going right to jail! And the Freedom of information act that gives terrorists access to stuff that should be secret – That goes too – Day one In my administration!"

Trump says he'll send billions of playdough to Earthquake ravaged Italy

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Perhaps in an effort to try to shore up his sagging support among Italian-American voters, Donald Trump announced to today that he would immediately send send "billions of his own dough" to the earthquake ravaged regions in Italy.

My Election Prediction

Satirical News Service Washington, DC 

Two days after losing the Presidential Election to Hillary Clinton by one of the greatest margins since Wendell Willike, and then mysteriously demanding a recount in every state, Donald Trump and his entire family disappeared. No one of his staff had any idea where he went or why. Three days later it appeared that all of his cash and other holding had been withdrawn, some of which was converted into gold bars. Cargo handlers at Teterboro airport in New Jersey reported seeing private security men loading palettes of gold and cash aboard Trump's private jet. 

While election officials pondered how to do such a large recount and why, since it was completely obvious that Trump had lost by such margins that a recount would be worthless, he suddenly appeared five days later in Moscow having drinks with Vladimir Putin. 

Investigators immediately began looking into the disappearance of his funds and assets. It now appears that he had used the election primarily as a way to get millions in donations, which he kept in his private fund. Creditors report that he owes them millions in advertising fees, and wages for campaign workers. It appears that he was deeply in debt before his election bid, and used the election as a way to embezzle money from donors and the RNC and spirit it out of the country. 

In a statement he released from Moscow, he appeared smiling on camera saying "I told the press, they just can't figure me out, they should have listened better – as for the American People – YOUR FIRED!"

Michael Phelps Announces He Will Compete in 2020 Olympics – As a Woman!

Satirical News Service
Rio de Janerio

After losing the Gold Medal in the Butterfly race,  Michael Phelps announced In a press conference today what was long expected, that this would be his last Olympics – as a man. He said instead he plans to go the “Bruce/Kaitlin Jenner” route and undergo transgender surgery and compete in the 2020 Olympics as Michelle Phelps.  In the press conference he stated “I’ve got to face it, this man’s body just can’t do the feats it used to anymore. But I’m not giving in, instead I’m reinventing myself. As a woman I have a much better shot at competing and lets face it, Trans today is the new Gay. Soon everyone will be doing it.”

Following the Olympics in Rio, Phelps plans undergo transgender surgery at the clinic in Sweden that specializes in Transgender surgery. He expects to be in training as a woman in time for the 2020 Olympics. 

North Carolina’s governor has already stated that “There is no way Phelps is going to use any woman’s bathroom in this state.”

Charles Manson Said He Was Only Being Sarcastic When He killed all those People

Satirical News Service
Sacramento, CA

Charles Manson appeared before a California parole board today, and  claimed that he was "only being sarcastic" when he killed Sharon Tate and the other people in 1969. Likewise when he wrote on the walls in blood "Helter Skelter". Said Manson during the hearing "I thought it was completely obvious that I was not being serious; that the killings and scary slogans were only meant as sarcasm. What? They can't take a little sarcasm? What's the matter with you people?"

The California Parole Board was not impressed and denied Manson Parole.

Clintons Secret emails reveal How Clinton and Obama created ISIS

Satirical News Service
Washington,D.C.

FBI released new secret emails from Hillary Clinton's server revealing how she and Obama created ISIS.

H: Hey B, things are really pretty slow here over at State, got any ideas how to shake things up a bit?

B: Hmmm…. Let me give it some thought, I’ll get back to you.

B: Had an idea; how about creating a new terrorist group? A really, really, really bad one?

H: l like it, what should we call it?

B: How about ABCESS?

H: Nah, sounds too clinical! How about ISIS?

B: I like it! Maybe they could all go around in black outfits and head scarfs and publicly behead people.

H:That ought to shake things up a bit! I’ll get State right on it By the way any updates on your secret plan to confiscate everyone’s guns?

B: Still workin on it!

Kim Jong Un's Proposal to Trump

Dear Donald,
Although we’ve never met in person I feel like we were meant  to be together. We have so many things in common, you and I. You want to build a wall between the US and Mexico and make the Mexicans pay for it; I’ve built a wall between North and South Korea and made the South Koreans pay for it. You like lots if beautiful women having sex with you; I have those same type if women having sex with me. You want to bring tough law and order to your country. I Already have tough Law and Order in my country. You want to ban Muslims from entering your country; I want to ban everyone from entering my country. You want a strong military; me too! You hate political correctness; so do I. You think protesters should be beat up and thrown in prison; I’ve already done that- to thousands! Please Donald, come join me here in North Korea. We can plot against Hillary Clinton together. Maybe we could launch a nuclear attack on her, just you and me… how about it Donny. Would you like to be my number two man?????? Please say you will.

Scientists Discover That Trump Campaign Buttons Repel Zika Mosquitos

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Scientists at the CDC have made a break-thru in the fight against the Zika virus that is spread by Mosquitoes. According to one researcher, wearing any article of clothing or badge containing a likeness of Donald Trump, is found to be 10 times more effective at repelling mosquitoes than anything else we've found to date. It seems it not only repels mosquitoes, but most any other insects, most all small and large animals. About the only things it doesn't repel are cockroaches, rats, and of course professed supporters of the  Republican party.

Donald Trump’s Acceptance Speech – Fill in the Details for Yourself

For all of you Trump Supporters who are eagerly awaiting Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at this weeks’ RNC, let me save you the suspense. You can go ahead  write your own using this template. Since obviously, you haven’t  heard a word he's said or have a real clue on what he actually believes. So have at it, fill in whatever you want to hear, and skip the real thing.

My Fellow Americans – I accept your nomination for President of the United States, and let me tell you we are going to win sooooo big, it’ll be the largest win you’ve ever seen. Because I am (start confetti machine and balloons ) GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (Pause for cheering)

The very first thing I am going to do as President is  Fill in whatever you want to hear. I’m going to do this and make __Fill in whatever you want to hear. I can do this because I know how to deal with Fill in whatever you want to hear just like I’ve dealt with business people and leaders ALL MY LIFE and they know I get deals done – or their FIRED! (cue cheering and balloons)

My wife Avana, She is going to make such a great First Lady –She’s  going to be the BEST FIRST LADY THAT WE’VE EVER HAD. (Cheers Here)

Family Values – We are going to have the best family values you’ve ever seen. We’re going to make sure that Fill in whatever you want to hear. and then I'm going to Fill in whatever you want to hear. Because I am going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (cue balloons).

And to all you Evangelical Christians, we are going to have the most Evangelical Christian Country there ever was. Because we I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Radical Muslims and Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Gay’s and Fill in whatever you want to hear with School Prayer and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Transgender Bathrooms and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Political Correctness.

Here is what I am going to about making AMERICA SAFE AGAIN (cheers - cue balloons). We are going to ensure … Fill in whatever you want to hear… with Immigration and Fill in whatever you want to hear with  our Gun Laws, We are going have Law and Order too! Here is what we’re going to do about Law and Order … Fill in whatever you want to hear, because our Police and Military are the GREATEST POLICE AND MILITARY in the world! (Cue cheering)

 And I am going to nominate the GREATEST JUDGES WE’VE EVER HAD, and if they don’t do what I want – I’ll FIRE THEM ALL! (cue cheering)

We are going to be soooo GREAT because I can get this done because I’m going to be the GREATEST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. (CUE CHEERRING)

On the Economy. We are going to have the GREATEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD! because here is what I am going to do about that …. Fill in whatever you want to hear. because I KNOW how to make deals and have written the GREATEST BOOK EVER about the ART OF THE DEAL so I KNOW how to MAKE ALL OF YOU RICH! Cue cheering and balloons)

And as for Taxes,  I am a CONSERVATIVE! I am SOOOOO CONSERVATIVE, I AM  THE GREATEST CONSERVATIVE THERE EVER WAS!, and here is what I am going to do about taxes…. Fill in whatever you want to hear, 

I AM GOING TO BE THE GREATEST PRESIDENT  THERE EVER WAS! and Mike Pence is going  to be THE GREATEST VICE PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS. (cue cheering and balloons)

And finally Crooked Hillary is going to get what she deserves! I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear, and then Fill in whatever you want to hear to her husband too. Because I AM GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

(Cue cheers, band, and BALLOONS)

Enjoy the night - and Blow up your own damned balloons!

Congratulations President Elect Trump from The President of Mexico

Dear President Elect Trump:

                As president of Mexico I wish to be the first to congratulate you on your election to the Presidency of the United States. Acting as President of Mexico, I would like to tell you that we intend to follow through with your campaign pledge to “Build a wall between Mexico and Make the Mexicans Pay for it!”

Let me tell you how we are going to do just that.

As of January 20^th, all persons who carry a US passport unless they can prove that they were legally born in the Republic of Mexico will be required to pay an annual tax of $10,000. Anyone who owns any property in Mexico will be required to pay a monthly tax of $2000.  A 30 day visa will be required for any person not of Mexican Citizenship or without a relative who is a citizen in the Republic to enter into Mexico. The cost of these visas will be $600 per person. Each of these visas will only be valid for 30 days before they must be renewed. Anyone overstaying their visa will be immediately deported.

Any cruise ship entering into Mexican waters will be required to pay a bounty of $200 per passenger. Any goods entering into or leaving Mexico will be subject to a 200% duty. Any airplane with registry in the USA landing in a Mexican airport will be required to pay a $10000 landing tax per flight.

All corporations registered to a company in the United States will be required to pay a corporate tax of  $1,000,000 per year or be subject to seizure. While you may boast of all the companies that will be leaving Mexico to start manufacturing again in the US, let me tell you, our friends in the People’s Republic of China are very eager to take over these same factories that we will seize and nationalize for non-payment. They will then sell you those same goods at your local Walmart store at prices that undercut anything you can produce in your country.

So Mr. President Trump, we look forward to completing your wall. It will certainly help to keep out the steady flow of American’s fleeing your country after the shambles you make of it. So enjoy the view. We will!

Sincerely yours,

Enrique Peña Nieto
President
Republic of Mexico

Congress finally passes a gun control law - Rifle Emoji to be Removed From the Internet

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

In a show of unity and great moral courage Congress finally got a gun control law passed through both Houses of Congress.  It would effectively ban all emoji resembling a rifle from the internet.  The NRA had lobbied hard to block this, but in the end, some Republican Congressmen facing tough  re-election campaigns, conceded and voted to support the bill. Some Congressmen tried to add amendments that would also ban the Rainbow Flag, but these were defeated. Although this important legislation does remove the all import Rifle emoji, it does leave intact the ubiquitous handgun emoji. Opponents say this is just proof that Obama and Clinton want to take away our guns. Trump tweeted that this just gives ISIS more ammunition to carry out terrorist attacks. The NRA posted that they will fight this legislation and move for its immediate repeal.  Meanwhile Democrats are celebrating finally passing effective gun control legislation stating "We all feel safer tonight knowing that the rifle emoji has been banned from the Internet".

New 911 tapes give Orlando Shooters Motive- Hillary Clinton's Emails

In a rambling onesided conversation with Orlando Police the night of the shootings, the killer gave a long list of why he was performing this hideous act. In order of priority:
1. Show support of ISIS
2. Expose Hillary Clinton's emails
3. Expose Hillary Clinton's bungled role in Benghazi
4. Prevent Obama and Clinton from taking away our guns
5. Kill a lot of LGBT people

Trump immediately tweeted that this proves it was Hillary Clinton and Obama's fault.

If Donald Trump Had Written the Preamble to the Constitution

We the people ……. and I don’t mean all those losers in Washington, and Illegal Spaniards who will someday become Mexicans when they declare their Independence from Spain, and Muslims, although they won’t be called that for probably another century, and Indians - like Pocahontas over there –  I mean those people out there who want to Make America Great Again – well actually for the first time since we’re still just a bunch of Colonies now – but the greatest Colonies in the world,…….in order to form a more perfect Union- and let me tell you it’s going to be the greatest Union you have ever seen – No one, and I mean no one will be able to form a better union than I can……. do establish justice – and I will give the greatest justice you have ever seen we’re gonna throw of a lot losers in prison– and we’re gonna have a lot of hangings too! We aren’t going to listen to all those politically correct people strutting around in their powdered wigs telling us what justice is…..insure domestic tranquility, and believe me it will be so tranquil you’ll beg for a little excitement……provide for the common defense,…..and we’re going  to have the greatest army in the world led by the greatest generals, and any country like Spain and England and France try to invade us or challenge us on the high seas, they’re gonna get their asses kicked. promote the general welfare……but not for those losers who can’t make it on their own, or who haven’t gone to my Trump University, and secure the blessings of Liberty and our prosperity, and let me tell you, I know something about prosperity. I  know how to make lots of money, and not just those worthless Continental dollars, but real gold money, and people who go my Trump University can learn how to make this kind of dough too through my carefully planned curriculum and hand picked instructors, do ordain and establish the Constitution….., and it’s the greatest constitution or parchment that has ever been written, except for my book On Secrets To Becoming Rich.

Zoo Keeper knews this Gorilla Could Turn Dangerous

Satirical News Service
Cincinnati, OH

On lookers were horrified when a boy sneaked into an enclosure and approached a 400 lb gorilla. At first it looked like the gorilla was protecting the boy, but when it started to rant and rave, they knew that this gorilla in particular could turn very dangerous at any second and they had no choice but to do what they did.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms in North Carolina

Tradition!

If you saw Fiddler on the Roof, you became aware of just how important traditions are in the Jewish culture. In this respect, Passover has always maintained a link to our Jewish upbringing, even though we have long since stopped practicing most of the other tenents of the Jewish faith.

This year though, things went a little differently.

THE PAPA: ….On this night we dip not once but three times. (Take parsley and pass it around). BAW-RUCH A-TAW….

SON 1:  Excuse me, is this organically grown parsley without any pesticides or non-organic fertilizers?

THE PAPA: Who know’s, just dip it and eat it, how much could one little bite of non-organic parsley harm you.

SON 2:  Is this Salt water? I can’t eat any salt, could I just have some plain Dasani water to dip it in?

THE PAPA: Now we take the bitter herb and say the prayer (takes a piece of horseradish root) BAW-RUCH A-TAW …

SON 1:  I read once that horseradish can cause cancer

SON 2:  No, it prevents cancer

SON 1:  No No! It distinctly causes it due to the uptake of glacinocides that interfere with the free radicals.

SON 2:  No my dumb brother – the exact opposite.

SON 1:  In any case I’m not eating it

SON 2:  Suit yourself, Dad give me the horseradish

THE PAPA: Now we take the horseradish and dip it into the choroset ….

SON 1:  Uh, does that have nuts in it? I no longer can eat nuts since I found out last year that I have a nut allergy.

SON 2:  Does that contain Apples? Apples contain high levels of Arsenic that can cause cancer.

SON 1:  Are they organic Apples?

THE PAPA: …We eat the Matzah in remembrance of the unleavened bread that our forefathers ate when pharaoh chased them in the desert (Takes piece of Matzah) BAW-RUCH A-TAW ….

SON 1:  Excuse me, does that have wheat in it? I can’t eat any wheat.

SON 2:  I can eat some wheat, but does it have gluten? I don’t eat any gluten?

The Momma: We’ll now eat our Traditional Passover dinner, together. Dad cooked it just like he 

always did – Matzah Ball Soup, Roast Lamb, Asparagus, couscous……

SON 1:  Wait mom, did you say Lamb!? I don’t eat any red meat

SON 2:  Is there gluten in the Matzah Balls? The chicken stock – was it made with GMO free hormone free, free range chickens? I can’t eat it if it isn’t.

SON 1:  Does the couscous have any wheat?

THE PAPA: So my fine children. It is time for the Four Questions. This year however, I am going narrow it down to just One! “Why is this night different from all other nights?”

SON 1:  I know – “On this night we dip three times instead of none……”

SON 2:  “We eat only unlevened bread and sit reclined…..”

THE PAPA: No! I’ll tell you why this night is different from all other nights. On all other nights we just eat our Damned meal and don’t nit-pick over every damned thing it has in it. This year we celebrate Passover in our home, but by God next year, we’re going out for Chinese!

Aunt Jemima Mistakenly Placed on US 20 Dollar Bill

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an apparent mix up, the image of popular Pancake Mix icon Aunt Jemima was placed on the new US Twenty Dollar Bill instead of Harriet Tubman.Since the cost of recalling all printed bank notes and re-doing the engraving plates would be prohibitive, Congress voted to just keep it as is. According to one Senator, "We think she looks a lot better than Harriet Tubman, and no one will know the difference between them anyway."