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FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

WHY NOT? A BETTER WAY TO CONDUCT PRIMARIES




With candidates and SuperPACs's spending unprecedented amounts of dollars on ridiculous, vitriolic and dishonest ads that nauseate everyone. Might as well get some real benefit out of those dollars with about the same result over who wins the outcome.

NATION FACES CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF ATTACK AD CREATORS

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Long lines of people representing Super PACs wait a change to purchase new attack ads

With the presidential campaign season heating up at a record pace, there now appears to be a critical shortage of attack ad writers in this country. With attack ads running as many as 12 per hour in states like Florida, writers and producers simply cannot keep up with the demand.

According to an un-named ad agency that formerly produced ads for snack foods and diapers, they say that they have had to redirect all their people to creating attack ads for Super PACS’s. We are running 24 hours a day and still cannot keep up with the demand. There just aren’t enough trained attack ad writers in this country right now. Our previous source of writers came from English majors, Political Science majors, and Media Communication majors. But over the past 10 years, many of those people have gone toward careers in Finance and Economics or Computer Technology. Now these grads are a dime a dozen, but they lack the verbal skills to create a truly vitriolic attack ad. One idea that was tried was to outsource these jobs to China and India, but the results were catastrophic. They just could master the idiom. What is really needed is a federally funded program to train people to create political attack ads like the ones that attack federally funded programs to train people to create attacks ads. Right now there is a long wait for any new ads even as more Super PAC money pours in.

One huge impact this is going to have is a on the Super Bowl that traditionally is the showcase for agency to show off new creative ads. With so many people involved in writing political attacks ads, you’re going to see far less of these Super Bowl ads, and a lot less creative.




Saturday, January 28, 2012

Gingrich’s Bold New initiatives; Oil Pipeline to the Moon and Statehood for Cuba



Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

News Service
Orlando, FL

Speaking at a Rally of Tea Party Faithfuls at Disney World, Newt Gingrich outlined his bold new initiatives for America if he was elected President. In his speech he proposed building an oil pipeline to the moon to tap into their vast reserves of oil. According to Gingrich this would create million of new jobs for construction workers and astronauts and ensure Oil Independence from other nations. Along these same lines he proposed drilling for oil in Disneyland in California to demonstrate to his Tea Party supporters than nothing is off limits when it comes to drilling for new oil.

In the same speech he advocated Statehood for Cuba. “The time has come at last to bring this star into the flag of the United States”. He was not specific though about how this would come about, nor what he would do about the present regime in Cuba.

The enthusiastic crowd was quite pleased with this speech noting “It shows us that he shares our vision for America”. Before leaving Disneyworld, however, it is reported he propositioned “Belle” near Snow White’s castle and asked her if she’d like to play “Ding-Dong Belle” with him in private.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Rand Paul to TSA - "Don't You Feel My Leg"



Oh, don't you feel my leg, don't you feel my leg

'Cos if you feel my leg, you'll want to feel my thigh

Don't you feel my thigh, you'll wanna move up high

So don't you feel my leg


Don't you feel my leg, don't you feel my leg

'Cos if you feel my leg, you'll wanna feel my thigh

If you feel my thigh, you'll want to move up high

You're gonna get a surprise

So, don't you feel my leg

So, don't you feel my leg

Lyrics by Maria Muldaur

Sunday, January 22, 2012



Posting soon to be found on Ebay.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Newt Gingrich Draws the Line on Press Intrusion and Open Marriages



Satirical News Service
Charleston, SC

I want to state here and now that the Press has absolutely no business asking questions about a candidates’ personal life unless it’s FOX news asking embarrassing questions about Mitt Romney or Barak Obama. We need to focus on the critical issues facing this nation – like “is Barak Obama’s birth certificate genuine or a forgery”.

With regard to my open marriage, I believe that open marriages are fine, as long as they do not involve GAY couples, in which no marriage is fine. Now polygamy – that’s a Mormon thing! I demand that Mitt Romney, who is Mormon, reveal who his other wives are, and what he’s done with them! Along with his tax returns, the American public has a right to see his many marriage certificates!

Newt Gingrich

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Tim Tebow Admits “Misquoted Bible Verse Cost Us the Game”



Satirical News Service
Foxborough, MA

January 15,2012

In a hastily called post-game interview, a contrite Denver Bronco’s star quarterback Tim Tebow admitted that his mistaken bible quotes probably cost the Bronco’s last night’s championship game.

“Just before the kick-off I meant to pray Exodus 12:15 “Thou shalt vanquish all mine enemies before me”. Instead I prayed Deuteronomy 11:7 “Thou shalt lead thy lambs to slaughter”. "I don’t know how I could have been so bone-headed!”

In another costly mistake early in the first quarter, Tebow said “Just before I was about to pass the ball I meant to pray“ Ecclesiastes 14:2 “Thou shalt receive my holy bounty”. Instead I prayed Psalms 23:11 “Thou shalt lay me down in green pastures”. Well, I don’t need to tell you the result of that prayer!"

John Fox, the head coach of the Denver Broncos said in the post-game interview “There are a lot of things we need to work on with Tim in next year’s season. First and foremost is getting his prayer quotes right. From now on instead of wearing a play list on his wrist during the game, he needs to carry a list of bible quotes that he’s worked on so he doesn’t get them mixed up again. He’s also spending too much time praying in the pocket on long bible quotes. He needs to pick short quick ones and say them a lot more quickly.




Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Romney Names Bain Capital as his VP Running Mate in coming Election



Satirical News Service
New Hampshire

In keeping with his stated philosophy that “Corporations are People too”, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney declared that he would name Bain & Company as his VP running mate if he gets the nomination.

As he stated in a post-primary interview, “I have had a long and fruitful relationship with Bain Capital. Together we know how to get things done. As my VP choice, Bain Capital would demonstrate to the business world that we “get” the needs of corporations. One of my first acts as President would be to downsize the United States. There are far too many states that just aren’t pulling their weight and one of the first things I’d do would be to eliminate them by either merging them with other more profitable states, or selling some of them off to Canada, Mexico, or China. Reluctantly some US citizens would get “pink slips” with regard to their current citizenship, but I promise to provide them with outplacement services so they can adjust to their new nationalities.”

Monday, January 9, 2012

(North Korea) GOP Tries to Build New Leader’s Image



A version of this article appeared in print on January 9, 2012, in the New York Time about Kim Jung Un. I simply substituted a few names and dates, but the revised article fits perfectly.


This program appeared to be part of The GOP’s frenzied campaign to burnish Mr. Romney’s credentials as a leader who can command its army of 1.2 million soldiers, which is one of the world’s largest armed forces and is crucial to his consolidation of power.

Mr. Romney took over the lead after rivals Perry, Bachman, and Gingrich, aspirations died on Jan. 4th. Late last month, he became supreme commander of the GOP, officially taking on the first of his party’s several top posts.

The GOP’s propaganda campaign has since billed him as the “great successor” to his mentor – Ronald Reagan’s and George W. Bush’s “songun,” or “military first,” policy, which emphasizes military might. But the US’s development of nuclear weapons and tests of long-range missiles have brought economic sanctions that have deepened the country’s isolation and poverty.

Sunday’s debates began with Mr. Romney riding a white horse, as his mentor, Ronald Reagan, often did in propaganda political ads in the US. It was unclear when and where much of the video had been shot.

Mr. Romney was said to have been groomed as successor at least from 2004, when mentor Reagan had died of a stroke. He was officially unveiled as heir in 2008, when he was made bid for the Presidency..

Although he is said to have graduated Brigham Young University in Utah, there is no indication that he served in the army.

The GOP media have been busy filling in the gaps in his military résumé, claiming that he wrote his first thesis on military strategy when he was 16. During his New Year’s Day inspection of a tank division, he participated in a live debate exercise, “making the New Year’s first sound of gunfire”. Unlike the other candidates, who usually stood solemnly during such inspections, he was kept at a reverential distance from soldiers unless he took group pictures, Mr. Romney was seen laughing and clutching the hands of officers and soldiers.

Mr. Romney frequently made public appearances for three years after his own mentor, Ronald Reagan former president, died in 2004, and when he did, he always wore a grim expression. He was said to be in mourning during this time.

But Mitt Romney has lost no time establishing public credentials as a leader. The documentary was broadcast on what is believed to be his birthday. He is believed to have turned 28, 29 or 30. Politcal Aides have not announced his birth date, and the day’s official news reports did not mention the birthday.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Super PAC’s and Candidates spend 100 million dollars on Chicken Coop Caucus



Satirical News Service
Parker, CO

Over past month TV sets have been running Satellite feeds of Political ads from Iowa in one Chicken coop in Parker, Colorado in preparation for the Parker Chicken Coop Straw Poll Caucus. In this caucus chickens will vote for their favorite Republican candidate for the 2012 presidential election. Each hen will cast her vote by laying an egg in the next labeled with the candidate’s name. A total of 12 chickens will be participating in this vital primary whose results will be non-binding. It is estimated that some $100 million dollars have been spent on this one caucus alone. But, it is well known that the candidate that takes an early lead here can go on to become very popular with chickens throughout the country.

If you think this sounds absurd, consider this – that is about how much Candidates and PAC’s spent on Iowa! Now you tell me who are the bird brains!

I