Remake – Saving Private (*Hedge fund) Ryan

Satirical News Service

Tampa. FL

Dinesh D’Souza, the film maker who recently made O’bama 2016, has announced plans to remake the film Saving Private Ryan. In this version of the film, Paul Ryan has lost all of his ultra-conservative brothers in bitter primary fights. He and Captain Miller (played by Mitt Romney) are barricaded in a Cayman Islands Bank besieged by US government Tax collectors who are demanding their tax returns for the last 10 years. With only with a handful of die hard conservatives , armed with just a few banking  and Wall Street de-regulations and Medicare vouchers, they battle off the persistent  tax collectors. In the final scene Captain Miller (Mitt Romney) is hopelessly confronted by a large government armored car determined to take more than 13% of his declared income. Out of the blue comes a private Jet dropping 10,000 hard bound copies of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged on the armored car. As Miller (Mitt Romney) lay dying he turns to Paul Ryan, pointing to the Cayman Island bank that they saved,  in his dying breath says “Earn this….!”  As the movie ends a not much older but now wiser Ryan vows to end Medicare, Cut taxes the rich, and end all Federal entitlement programs. The final scene cuts to a brave heroic Ryan standing steadfast against a silhouetted Cayman Islands Flag. 

REBUBLICAN PARTY ADOPTS NEW SLOGAN TO REFLECT THEIR CORE VALUES

Satirical News Service

Tampa, FL

In an effort to demonstrate how different the Republican Party Platform is from the Democrats, they have adopted a new slogan that reflects both the party's core values and the direction they want America to move. 

Republican National Convention Moved to Cayman Islands

Satirical News Service
Cayman Islands

With Hurricane Isaac still bearing down on the Southern Coast, The RNC decided to move the entire convention to the Cayman Islands.  According to one spokesperson “What place could be safer than the place where Mitt Romney and his cronies keep their money and what place could more represent the values of the delegates there.  Besides it’s the only country where a higher percentage of people like him than hate him.  Come Hell or higher taxes for the 1%, we’ll be safe down here."

Republican Party Blames Obama for Causing Hurricane Isaac

Satirical News Service
Tampa, FL

With the eminent threat of Hurricane Isaac bearing down on Tampa just as the Republican Convention is about to start, Mitt Romney lashed out at Obama for causing the Hurricane as well as the draught and heat wave in the US. The Super PAC Crossroads for America has just launched a series of attack ads that essentially blame Obama for causing the hurricane to disrupt the convention by using his presidential authority to cause Global Warming. Romney pledged that he will end Global Warming if he is elected by cutting all funding  to the National Weather Service, FEMA, and the Atmospheric Research Center. Meanwhile Rep Akins stated that if Hurricane Isaac is legitimate, Tampa will be able to shut down naturally to prevent it from damaging the Florida coast.

Republican Scientists Discover Proof of the Wandering Uterus

Scientists shown here with wandering uterus

Satirical News Service
St. Louis, MO

Long thought to be a mythical relic of Medieval Medicine, Republican Scientists now say that they have discovered proof that the Wandering Uterus does indeed exist.  “This is a monumental day in the annals of Medicine – rivaling the discovery of the structure of DNA by Watson and Crick. Thanks to the efforts of Todd Akin, we now know for a fact the uterus does indeed wander throughout the bodies of woman. For example, we know that it runs away when confronted with a legitimate rape, but moves to embrace the sperm when the rape is illegitimate. Just how the uterus knows this is still a mystery to us, but we hope to obtain more federal funding to further investigate this phenomena. Rep Akins has graciously pledged to give us the money that the Republicans plan to take away from Planned Parenthood.”

The validation of the wandering uterus theory now sheds light on a whole host of other female maladies that have long been attributed to the mind instead of the uterus. These include wanting equal pay, the right to vote, and the right to make decisions over their own bodies. Scientists in the Republican Party hope that with further discoveries about this Wandering Uterus we can once and for all prevent these maladies.

Al Jazeera to Feature Reality TV show- “Stars Earn Martyrdom”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Following Monday Night’s premier of NBC’s new Reality Show “Stars Earn Stripes” that features stars of sport and screen going thru actual simulated military missions with Green Berets, Delta Force, and Marines, Al Jazeera today announced that they would feature a similar show called “Stars Earn Martyrdom”. In this show stars from the Arabic and Pakistani screen and sports world would train and go through actual Al-Qaida training.  In the show they would be test their skills and planting roadside IED’s, setting up ambushes for simulated NATO forces, and going on simulated suicide missions. It is expected to be a big hit.

Congress Rallies Around New Gun Legislation Endorsed By the NRA

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Concerned over yet another mass shooting less than 1 month after the Aurora, Colorado shooting, Congressmen from both parties are becoming a nervous about having to take a position on gun legislation in an election year. To appease their concerns, the NRA is endorsing a new bill that would prohibit news sources from using the word “gun”, or any permutation of it is any news stories or editorials, or legislation bills. Henceforth the word “gun” or “guns” will be replaced by “the-thing-that-must-not-be-spoken-of”. Congress is hailing this as a show of bi-partisan effort to enact controls on “the-things-that-must-not-be-spoken-of”

Opportunity Meets Curiosity – Life On Mars Might Be Possible

Satirical News Service

Pasadena, CA

NASA scientists have released the first photos of the extraterrestrial encounter between Mars Rovers Opportunity and Mars Rover Curiosity. Curiosity, one of first Mars rovers to land on the surface, has been wandering around the surface of mars for several years quite “lonely” until now. The new Mars Rover Opportunity, which successfully landed on the Martian surface just days ago has been aggressively pursuing the smaller more delicate Curiosity spacecraft in what scientists think might be some sort of mating ritual. In this recent photo, the Opportunity Rover has extended it’s large powerful scientific probe, and is getting ready to explore into the tender delicate instrumentation of the smaller Curiosity spacecraft. NASA has also released some of the data from these two spacecraft which consists of strange humping and moaning sounds.  However, for reasons that NASA declined to elaborate on, they have declined to release any additional photos of this encounter.  As one NASA scientist stated “While there might not be life on the surface of Mars right now, but just wait 9 months and watch what happens.”