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FAKE NEWS (just sometimes we wish it weren't)

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Donald Trump’s Acceptance Speech – Fill in the Details for Yourself

For all of you Trump Supporters who are eagerly awaiting Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at this weeks’ RNC, let me save you the suspense. You can go ahead  write your own using this template. Since obviously, you haven’t  heard a word he's said or have a real clue on what he actually believes. So have at it, fill in whatever you want to hear, and skip the real thing.

My Fellow Americans – I accept your nomination for President of the United States, and let me tell you we are going to win sooooo big, it’ll be the largest win you’ve ever seen. Because I am (start confetti machine and balloons ) GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (Pause for cheering)

The very first thing I am going to do as President is  Fill in whatever you want to hear. I’m going to do this and make __Fill in whatever you want to hear. I can do this because I know how to deal with Fill in whatever you want to hear just like I’ve dealt with business people and leaders ALL MY LIFE and they know I get deals done – or their FIRED! (cue cheering and balloons)

My wife Avana, She is going to make such a great First Lady –She’s  going to be the BEST FIRST LADY THAT WE’VE EVER HAD. (Cheers Here)

Family Values – We are going to have the best family values you’ve ever seen. We’re going to make sure that Fill in whatever you want to hear. and then I'm going to Fill in whatever you want to hear. Because I am going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (cue balloons).

And to all you Evangelical Christians, we are going to have the most Evangelical Christian Country there ever was. Because we I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Radical Muslims and Fill in whatever you want to hear with the Gay’s and Fill in whatever you want to hear with School Prayer and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Transgender Bathrooms and Fill in whatever you want to hear with Political Correctness.

Here is what I am going to about making AMERICA SAFE AGAIN (cheers - cue balloons). We are going to ensure … Fill in whatever you want to hear… with Immigration and Fill in whatever you want to hear with  our Gun Laws, We are going have Law and Order too! Here is what we’re going to do about Law and Order … Fill in whatever you want to hear, because our Police and Military are the GREATEST POLICE AND MILITARY in the world! (Cue cheering)

 And I am going to nominate the GREATEST JUDGES WE’VE EVER HAD, and if they don’t do what I want – I’ll FIRE THEM ALL! (cue cheering)

We are going to be soooo GREAT because I can get this done because I’m going to be the GREATEST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. (CUE CHEERRING)

On the Economy. We are going to have the GREATEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD! because here is what I am going to do about that …. Fill in whatever you want to hear. because I KNOW how to make deals and have written the GREATEST BOOK EVER about the ART OF THE DEAL so I KNOW how to MAKE ALL OF YOU RICH! Cue cheering and balloons)

And as for Taxes,  I am a CONSERVATIVE! I am SOOOOO CONSERVATIVE, I AM  THE GREATEST CONSERVATIVE THERE EVER WAS!, and here is what I am going to do about taxes…. Fill in whatever you want to hear

I AM GOING TO BE THE GREATEST PRESIDENT  THERE EVER WAS! and Mike Pence is going  to be THE GREATEST VICE PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS. (cue cheering and balloons)

And finally Crooked Hillary is going to get what she deserves! I am going to Fill in whatever you want to hear, and then Fill in whatever you want to hear to her husband too. Because I AM GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

(Cue cheers, band, and BALLOONS)

Enjoy the night - and Blow up your own damned balloons!

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Congratulations President Elect Trump from The President of Mexico

Dear President Elect Trump:
                As president of Mexico I wish to be the first to congratulate you on your election to the Presidency of the United States. Acting as President of Mexico, I would like to tell you that we intend to follow through with your campaign pledge to “Build a wall between Mexico and Make the Mexicans Pay for it!”

Let me tell you how we are going to do just that.
As of January 20th, all persons who carry a US passport unless they can prove that they were legally born in the Republic of Mexico will be required to pay an annual tax of $10,000. Anyone who owns any property in Mexico will be required to pay a monthly tax of $2000.  A 30 day visa will be required for any person not of Mexican Citizenship or without a relative who is a citizen in the Republic to enter into Mexico. The cost of these visas will be $600 per person. Each of these visas will only be valid for 30 days before they must be renewed. Anyone overstaying their visa will be immediately deported.

Any cruise ship entering into Mexican waters will be required to pay a bounty of $200 per passenger. Any goods entering into or leaving Mexico will be subject to a 200% duty. Any airplane with registry in the USA landing in a Mexican airport will be required to pay a $10000 landing tax per flight.
All corporations registered to a company in the United States will be required to pay a corporate tax of  $1,000,000 per year or be subject to seizure. While you may boast of all the companies that will be leaving Mexico to start manufacturing again in the US, let me tell you, our friends in the People’s Republic of China are very eager to take over these same factories that we will seize and nationalize for non-payment. They will then sell you those same goods at your local Walmart store at prices that undercut anything you can produce in your country.

So Mr. President Trump, we look forward to completing your wall. It will certainly help to keep out the steady flow of American’s fleeing your country after the shambles you make of it. So enjoy the view. We will!

Sincerely yours,

Enrique Peña Nieto
President
Republic of Mexico