Ohio Governor Urge Democrats to Evacuate State

Republican governor Kasich today urged Democrat to evacuate the state of Ohio that now sits in the outer path of Hurricane Sandy. "We are concerned that God's wrath will come down on us as it has already on New York and other 'Blue states'". He pleaded with democrats to leave a soon as possible and not to return until after the election so that damage to our great state can be averted. Other Republican governors in the path of Sandy have urged their democrats to leave as well.  "God knows who you are" stated governor Christie, "and if I were you, I'd run for the border!"

Zombie Vote May Decide the Election

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

With less than 2 weeks to go before the 2012 election, the Zombie vote may be the crucial decider. The Zombie Vote is usually made up of Independent voters who typically have very little interest in politics. But this year they have been hit particularly hard by “death and taxes”, thus proving the old adage of the inevitability of both. They also have no interest in the Health Care debate but would like there to be "Death Panels". In the past the Zombie voters have largely come from Cook County which encompasses the Chicago voting district and have swayed presidential elections in the past. But this year, the Zombies from Ohio may decide the election. Zombies usually vote in a single block and vote early - around Halloween. Pennsylvania officials are going to be on the watch for fraudulent voters posing as Zombies, but are not actually dead. Since photo ID’s are pretty much useless with this group due to the decomposition of their flesh, Zombies in Pennsylvania will be required to show both a birth and a death certificate.

            Throughout this election both candidates have been secretly catering to the Zombie voters for some time now. Mitt Romney has tried to portray himself as a Zombie since the early primaries, and President Obama tried to portray himself as a Zombie in the first Presidential debate.

            Issues that have most importance to Zombies are the “Rights of the Undead”. Zombies want to have a constitutional person-hood amendment stating that “Life begins at conception, but doesn't end at death.” Not only do they want to lower inheritance tax rates, but they want to eliminate inheritance altogether. They are generally not swayed by typical political rhetoric, but seem to be drawn to the red meat political attack ads that have dominated this election.

Romney’s Navy Plans Revealed

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

New details are emerging about the new ships that Mitt Romney wants add to the US Navy. These will be a new class of ships which will be stationed in the Caribbean at a new US Naval base in the Cayman Islands. There primary mission will be on patrol to carry unspecified important people to vital destinations in the Caribbean. The first two of these new ships will be called The USS Carl Rove and the USS Bill Perry.

Massive Outbreaks of Nausea Has CDC Concerned

Satirical News Service

Atlanta, GA

The CDC today has raised concerns over massive outbreaks of severe nausea in several parts of the country – most notably on Ohio, Colorado, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina. According to CDC officials, they started seeing a cluster of cases in Florida, then North Carolina, then Colorado and now in Ohio. The Ohio cases appear to be especially severe and growing in frequency.

The symptoms include severe retching and nausea whenever the words “Tax cuts”,” Middle Class”, “debt”, “jobs”,” economy”, and especially “Mitt Romney”,” Barack Obama”, and “I approve this message” are heard.  The CDC is still mystified as to how the repetition of these seemingly innocuous words could cause such severe symptoms of nausea. To date they do not have a vaccine or cure, but have advised people especially in affected areas not to watch TV or listen to the radio since these seem to bring on the attacks.

New Dinner Conversations at Home

After nearly 9 months of non-stop political attack ads on every station, here is how Dinner Conversations have devolved....

Dad! – He says we can’t afford  to increase allowances, but what has he done with his money – expensive golf outings with his buddies – expensive gifts for mom. Meanwhile his kids go begging for basic necessities like pizza and burgers. Isn't it time to re-examine his priorities. Call him and tell him so. I’m Johnny and I approve this message. (Paid for by Sons for a Better economy)

The worst report card in years! Isn't it time for kids to take responsibility for their grades. We can’t have 6 more months of low grades! I’m Dad and I approve this message!

Budget cuts for Teachers, Taxing new government regulations! No wonder they can’t teach our kids. And now they blame US kids for bad grades! Isn't it time to place the blame where it really belongs? (Paid for by Kids for Placing the Blame where it really belongs)

Dad says he’s a jobs creator at home, but what kind of jobs – menial lawn care, low wage housekeeping  jobs. Meanwhile he has plenty to tip valets and caddies at the country club. Isn't it time he brought the real high paying jobs back home?(Paid for by Kids for better high paying jobs)

Pizza shops closing their doors, Millions of jobs lost in mobile phone companies – and why? - because of the reckless fiscal policies of Dad! If allowances are raised It will create millions of new jobs  for pizza delivery services, and  iPhone service providers. Paid for by Kids for higher allowances)

Self Reliance!  That’s what made America great. Yet millions of kids think it’s their God given right to be provided with high budget busting allowances, support for mobile phone habits. I think its high time that kids take responsibility for these handouts themselves. I’m Dad and I approve this message!

Hi, I’m  Sally. Before the harsh allowance cuts took effect, I had a real social life, I was popular. Now thanks to the austerity measures brought on by steep cuts in our allowance and harsh punitive punishments, I have no future, while other kids get to have anything they want. Isn't it time we restore fairness in this family? I’m Sally and I approve this message!

Bans on Big Soft Drinks? No Pizza? Parental Food Fascism is getting out of control! We need parents who respect an individuals’ right to make their own decisions without big government telling parents what they think we kids should eat. (Paid for by Kids for Freedom to eat what they want)

If the Iranians invade us, without a car, I’m dead meat! But Mom and Dad think it’s too expensive to get me my own car, while they spend thousands on country club memberships to hob nob with the rich. Isn't it high time to put our National Security needs first!  Mom and Dad – Weak on National Security!
(Paid for by Kids for A Strong national Security!)

Evidence Of Doping 'Overwhelming,' US Anti-Doping Agency Says

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

U.S. Anti-Doping Agency released more than 1,000 pages and photos of evidence in the case of Obama’s alleged doping just prior to the debate in Denver last week. “It became quite clear to us he was involved Doping before the Debates from just looking at the President on the Podium. We were unable to obtain the necessary tests to prove it, but the visual evidence is overwhelming.”

Obama Prepares for his second Debate with Mitt ROmney

Romney to Replace Big Bird with Big Beck and Rush the Grouch

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Just a few days after Romney announced his plan to “Fire Big Bird” during the debate last Wednesday,  the Republican campaign has been hit with a barrage of criticism that they are anti-children. In response the Mitt Romney campaign “clarified” his position stating that Mitt Romney didn't want to totally eliminate Sesame Street, but merely replace the character of Big Bird and others with other characters called “Big Beck”, and his sidekick “Rush the Grouch”. The show would center around weekly “Tea Parties” and would de-emphasize diversity, liberal values, and promote the values of fending for yourself, staying on your side of the fence, boys not playing with dolls, and girls wanting to have lots of babies and not take any kind of pills (except for the occasional Oxycodone). This show would not receive any Federal Funding, but would be entirely funded by the Koch Brothers. They also hope to introduce two other characters called “Sarah Smarty-Pants” and “Googly-Eye-Michelle”.

Etch-a-Sketch Romney Reveals Himself As the “Real Mitt Romney”

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 Less than a week after pundits gave Romney a win in the 1^st Presidential Debate. The Real Mitt Romney AKA Etch-a-Sketch Romney stepped forward to accept the credit. “I am the REAL Mitt Romney in this election. Whenever I say or do something that I now want to distance myself from, I simply jump up and down and poof it’s erased. Don’t like my comments about the 47% of Americans being non taxpaying freeloaders – poof! - Gone away. How about my Health Plan as governor  of Massachusetts – poof! - Gone! Bain capital investments in China – poof! – Gone!  Statements about cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans – poof !– Gone! Stance on Immigration – poof !– Gone! Stance on Iran and Afghanistan – poof! – gone!  Support for Big Oil Companies - poof ! – Gone. My stance on Abortion - poof ! – gone! Wow, I can keep this up all through the election. Just wait until I get into office and then see how much of the stuff I say now gets erased!

Empty Chair Last Minute Replacement for Romney in Debate – FOX News declares CHAIR the Hands Down Winner.

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

In a surprise last minute glitch, Mitt Romney became violently ill just hours before the scheduled first debate with Barack Obama. According to Romney “It must have been tainted meat from the taco I ate at yesterday’s Latino rally in Denver”.  Rather than cancel the debate, it was agreed that the infamous CHAIR, used by Clint Eastwood at the RNC Convention, would substitute for Mitt Romney. The debate came off without any further hitches and FOX news declared  the CHAIR (Mitt Romney) as the hands-down winner.

Here is an excerpt from FOX news’s Commentary between FOX news’ Eric Bolling and Gretchen Carlson

Bolling – I felt that CHAIR did a great job in the debate. It stood erect without wavering, and portrayed the silent steady demeanor that America wants in their president.

Carlson – Yes in contrast to President Obama who insisted on always answering the questions posed to him.

Bolling – I especially like how CHAIR caught Obama off guard when asked about what he would do about the economy. Obama went on and on quoting specific things he would do next term, while CHAIR remained silent, and immobile – just like what Mitt Romney will do as president. I think the audience really liked that.

Carlson – Yes and CHAIR did get in one Zinger. When Obama started going on about how Romney only cared about 1% of Americans, CHAIR came back with “At least I only want to screw 47% of Americans”.

Bolling – Yes! What a great Zinger! You could see the audience liked that one.

Carlson – What does the FOX News poll show after the debate?

Bolling – According to our latest FOX news poll, only 2% of the people think that Obama won the debate while 98% of our viewers said CHAIR won.