Satirical News Service
Today sources close to the White House revealed that the primary reason for President Obama’s decision to step up air and missile attacks on ISIS, was that the CIA had uncovered evidence that ISIS was planning to launch an attack by placing gluten in America’s food supply.
According to recent polls, the only thing that Americans fear more than Ebola is glutens in their food. When it was uncovered that ISIS was planning to surreptitiously put glutens in all of our foods, the President felt he had no choice but to act.
In an interview with SNS, Air Force Chief Of Staff, General Jack Ripper stated,
“It’s incredibly obvious, introduce a foreign substance into the food supply without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without their choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core ISIS extremist works!”