Donald Trump Now Demands to See Kate Middleton’s Birth Certificate

Satricial News Service
London, England

Following Donald Trump’s triumphant claim that he finally got President Barack Obama to release copies of his birth certificate, Mr. Trump has now decided to go after the Pending Royal couple. In a press statement given to the media, Mr. Trump is demanding to see Kate Middleton’s birth certificate. According to Trump and other members of the birther’s group, Kate Middleton was not in fact born in Britain, but in America, thus, according to Trump, making her ineligible to marry Prince William. In a statement issued by Donald Trump, “It’s high time that the British people learn the truth about the future queen”.
The Royal Family refused to comment on the request instead stating “Mr. Trump can stick it up his royal arse!”

In other news Donald trump has announced the list of his top priorities for his first term as president if he decides to run. These are
1. Proving Obama’s birth certificate is a fake.
2. Proving that John F Kennedy is really alive and living in a secret basement room in the White House on life support.
3. Proving that there really are aliens hidden away in Area 54 in Nevada
4. Proving that there really is an Area 54 in Nevada
5. Proving that Elvis Presley is still alive
6. Proving that Marilyn Monroe was assassinated by the CIA
7. Proving that the ratings for the “The Apprentice” show were fabricated by CBS.

Republican Congress Proposes Oil Drilling in Disneyland

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Republicans in the U.S. House of Representative have proposed drilling for oil in Disneyland. According to one Congressman, “It is well known that there is oil underneath this site. Drilling here would both create jobs and decrease our dependence on foreign oil.”

Here is how Disneyland with the proposed drilling sites would look like

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FAA - New Changes to Changes to AirTraffic Control Towers

Satricial News Service Washington DC In the wake of several recent incidents of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job, the FAA is mandating that two people now be on duty at all times in the control towers. They are also mandating changes (shown above) to the design of air traffic control towers.

I Propose Vouchers for Military Spending

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

According to Tea Party Republicans, vouchers are the answer to solving the runway spending on healthcare and education. But they are missing out on one other area that vouchers could solve the problem of “Big Government Spending and Waste” – namely funding the military. Let’s face it 10 years and still going is not a stellar track record for our military to defeat a bunch of rag-tag Muslim extremists in Iraq and Afghanistan. But any congressman who even hints at cutting the budget for the military can write himself a one-way ticket to Polukaville.

By ending the government entitlement of funding the military, we would leave it to the average citizen to decide for him or herself just where those dollars should be spent. Each citizen would be given a fixed dollar amount of military vouchers that they could use to invade Iran, fortify our border with Mexico, Bomb Libya, or anything else they can think of. If 10 years go by and no clear mass surrender of radical extremist fighters, well, then each taxpayer can decide not to send any more vouchers.

While we're at it, why should the US military, well known for $200 toilet seats and gross inefficiency, be the only way to fund our military ventures. It’s time to let the private sector have a chance to show how efficient and cost savings they can be. Blackwater Security has already shown how effective they can be in Iraq. And why not let home grown militias have a piece of the pie. I’m sure the Kentucky Christian Militia would just love the chance to take down a few terrorist-loving Muslims. With this new voucher system, taxpayers could fund these militias to do the job instead of big government and save money all at the same time.

Meanwhile all the money that would be saved by say not funding two engines for an un-needed jet fighter, or bombing campaigns to take down middle-eastern dictators could be used instead for more tax cuts to the wealthiest 10% of Americans, and reduce the deficit at the same time.

Colorado Legislature Proposes to Ban Same Party Marriages

Satirical News Service Denver, CO In a bold move following the Colorado House Committee’s decision to kill the Gay Union Rights bill, Gay members of the legislature sought to introduce their own legislation that would ban Same Party Marriages. According to their spokesperson, “We feel that same party marriages are inherently and morally wrong. They provide a poor environment to raise children by failing to provide them with balanced views on political and moral issues. They go against core American values of discourse and diversity, and ultimately go against some teachings in the Bible. While some couples will still continue to co-habitate together despite this ban by simply lying about their political affiliations or saying they are “Independent”, we feel that the state has a moral duty to protect the institution of marriage by not legitimizing these quasi-unions."