Satirical News Service
NY, NY
NY, NY
After a recent study released this year showed that
some passengers actually enjoy the hell that airlines like Spirit put them
through to get to their destinations, a new startup airlines will be launched
this year to cater to just that segment. Promising the worst airline hell you
can imagine, this airline is going out of its way to make your entire flying
experience miserable Starting with the
booking process, available only online, once the consumer chooses a flight,
typically at an unbelievably attractive fare, and proceeds to book it, the WEB page will display an error message just
before they can complete the entire process saying that due to a computer
glitch, the transaction did not go through. When the consumer attempts to redo
the process the fare now has jumped 200%. Other torments include changing short
duration non stop flights arbitrarily into multi-stop hells lasting 18 hours or
more and changing gates less than one hour before the flight usually to a remote
part of the terminal forcing passengers to scramble to gates across the airport frequently involving going through
TSA screenings again. Once they board the flight they will typically find only
3 empty overhead bins and cabin attendants extorting $100 or more per bag to
check it or leave it behind once they are filled. On board the passengers will
find that the seats will not recline and the cushions are all worn causing them
to sink into them in awkward stress positions. Additional cushions can be purchased however
for $250 each. The temperature setting on the airflow vents are intentionally
set to either freezing or hot depending on which would cause the most
discomfort. Although food and beverages are served on these flights passengers much
pay in cash with exact change – usually some odd figure like $13.47. No other
form of payment is accepted. If the passenger is able to get a meal, they will
find it is either frozen in the middle or has gone rancid. No refunds are
given. There is only one lavatory on board and only one person at a time may
vie for it when it becomes unoccupied.
S&M feels that this could be a new trend in
niche airlines catering to a specific airline consumer who wants the airlines
to “bring it on”.
