Republicans Come Out In Favor Of Restricting People with Pre-Existing Conditions from Voting

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

With pressure mounting on Republicans to try to reach some compromise on HR1, the Voting Rights Bill, House Minority leader Mitch McConnell came out today saying he’d support a bill for voting rights as long as it contained a provision that would prevent people with "pre-existing conditions" from voting in general elections. In his statement, he said that “the founding fathers did not want sick and mentally impaired people voting for our leaders. We owe it to them to honor that sentiment.”

While he was not specific about what conditions those might be he indicated that it would be up to individual states to decide. He also indicated that these did not even have to be chronic medical conditions, but could be something as simple as “excess melatonin in their skin pigmentation”.

Newly Discovered DaVinci Drawing of Satellite Proves Election Conspiracy Theory

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A newly discovered drawing by Leonardo DaVinci of a Satellite similar to the one that theorists say altered the electoral votes for Trump in the last election conclusively proves this theory. It shows that as early as the 14^th century Italians were planning on meddling with the results of the last election. Cryptologiists using known codes that DaVinci used have uncovered the phrase “Trumpa he’s a no good. Thisa gonna fixa his reelection”.

Trump University Now Offering Degrees in Medical Related Fields

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Trump University has just announced that it will be offering degrees in health-related fields. First to be included are Infectious Diseases, Pharmacology, Eugenics, and Epidemiology.
In their announcement, the 45^th President emphasized, “….that fake science establishment has long dominated medicine and prevented perfectly good “alt-medicine” education from being taught. With the awesome power of Trump's broad reach and genius in every scientific field, we here at Trump University can bridge that gap and offer a degree in “alt-medicine”,  that is not dictated by liberals or Critical Race Theory”.  With your Trump-based education, we guarantee you’ll go far having Trump’s already enormous popular base to draw your clients from who will believe anything you tell them as long as Trump says it’s true. Tuition starts at $10,500.

Jeff Bezos to Convert Space Capsule into a Homeless Shelter

 

Satirical News Service

Washington, D. C..

In a display of magnanimity multi-Billionaire Jeff Bezos announced plans to convert his Blue Dragon space Capsule into a shelter for the homeless after he completes his up-coming space flight later this year. In his statement he said “I just want to show the world that I’m not the prick people think I am. Besides, the asshole who buys the third seat is basically paying for the thing already. What else can I do with a used space Capsule.”.