Trump Campaign In Disarray As It Is Running Out Of People To Offend

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After the “Haitian Eating Pets” and then last night’s “Puerto Rico Island of garbage” comments, the critical stockpile of minorities and groups to offend is getting dangerously low. According to one campaign official, “We had to bring out the 'praising Hitler’s generals comment' which we had kept in reserve since there were still a few Military Veterans who hadn’t been offended by the 'suckers and losers' comments.  But now with the Hitler praises used, we are at the point where we just can’t find any new groups and people insult. We are looking into Methodists and Presbyterians, but it’s hard to find insulting things about them. Eskimos are another group we haven’t insulted yet, but who knows what might offend them? We’re asking the public if they know of any good insults for people we have still not offended, please call us at 1-800-INSULT."

Trump Brandishes a Pistol Outside Trump Tower In New York

 

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

Secret service agents assigned to guard former President Trump received a frantic 911 call stating that onlookers had seen Donald Trump leaving Trump Towers brandishing a Glock pistol and muttering “I’ll show them I keep my promises!”

Agents were able to shortly  corral a protesting Trump into a vehicle and away from the scene. Requesting anonymity, one of the agents said he was headed for Fifth Avenue to shoot someone to prove what he had stated early in the 2016 campaign, that "he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support". Recently reports have shown him slipping in the polls and many people voiced concerns about his declining mental state.  He indicated he was going to show his base followers that “I mean what I say, and I am the sanest man alive.”  I

immediately the Trump Campaign tried to spin this episode with VP candidate Vance going on FOX News to state “He was only doing this to show his strong support for the Second Amendment – He certainly had no intention of actually shoot anyone. Let’s focus on the real issues like Kamala Harris’s claim that she once worked at McDonalds”.

Trump Announces Plan to Nationalize Boeing And Replace Strikers With 13 Year-Olds

 Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a statement issued to FOX News today, Trump announced what he would do to end the strike at Boeing Aircraft and answer many concerns about their lack of safety. In his statement he said, 

“On day one I would nationalize Boeing and fire all the striking workers - they’re lazy and incompetent. I’d replace them all with 13-year-old boys. Have you ever seen how fast they can assemble one of those plastic model airplanes? It's incredible! If they can put together one of those, they can assemble a real airplane. Besides, they are the only ones who can fit in those tiny seats they plan on putting in all the planes now. Best of all, we'll only pay them $2.50 an hour with no benefits and they'll be thrilled with it. All the managers would go too. I’d put my best friend Elon 'jumping-jack-flash' Musk in  charge of the whole company. He'll Make Flying Great Again!"