Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring Himself Pope

 

 Dear America,

          After a brief time as your President, I have made America great again with my Tariffs and Mass deportations of criminals. I have accomplished more than any other President in History. But now I must move on to bigger things.  Today, I signed an executive order making myself Pope. Since I am already infallible, it seems the perfect role for me, and there won’t be any courts or Congress to challenge me. To all those Cardinals in the Vatican, I am saving you from all that contentious bickering. Besides, you owe me big-time for all I’ve done for you. As your new Pope on day one, I will be issuing a lot of Papal Bulls –making Abortion illegal, immigration from certain countries, and abortion illegal everywhere. I will also bring back the Inquisition to get back at my enemies. In my place as President of the USA, I am appointing Elon Musk, who will continue to make America Great Again, while I rule over the Christian World. 

Pax Trumpiana.

Russia offers to put on Birthday Military Parade for Trump

Dear Kukolnyy ( little puppet) Donny,

                So glad to be hearing you are planning big parade for your birthday. I am sorry to hear also that some disloyal Congressmen are planning on blocking funding for this. I am happy to give you the great military parade you are wishing for. For your birthday, we will be sending two entire divisions of soldiers and tanks, and three squadrons of our latest jets to fly over you to give to you great salute. I understand that all of your tanks and weapons have already been wasted in Ukraine. Too bad, but our tanks and planes will be happy to fill in. We will also be sending our “special police” just to make sure that no supporters of Ukraine decide to interfere, and also protest against your wonderful leadership. We are looking forward to celebrating your glorious birthday….and may decide to stay a bit longer, ha, ha!

Sincerely,

Vlad

 

Scientists Have Reintroduced the Long Extinct “Dire Threat” into the World Order

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In a remarkable feat of genetic engineering, scientists today have announced that they have resurrected the long extinct “Dire Threat” into the world order.

“The Dire Threat used to be the dominant threat in the world from the time of Vikings invading England, Hannibal crossing the Alps, and the chaos that had reigned over much of Europe during the Dark Ages. As civilizations grew, the Dire Threat eventually disappeared and grew weaker and weaker until now the dominant threat we have is the more docile Idle Threat to the world order.”

 Scientists were able to accomplish this miracle by taking genes from long-deceased Dire Threat bones found in caves in Europe and Asia and implanting them into genes from  Existential Threats, Imminent Threats, and Armed Threats. Once these produced offspring, we were able to see those Dire Threats roam freely again throughout the World Order. We are seeing it now in the World Economy brought on by Tariffs, Domestic Instability brought on by threats to civil rights and inflation, and International Threats with efforts to take over sovereign nations by force.

While it is yet to be seen how these Dire Threats will survive in the future, scientists are very optimistic that they will once again roam as the dominant threat to the planet and change the world order forever.

Trump Offering Farmers Who Were hit by Tariffs "Magic Beans"

 

Satirical News Service
 Washington, DC 

Farmers who have already been hit by catastrophic weather and inflation are now facing the threat of Retaliatory Tariffs from countries targeted by Trump’s new tariffs. The USDA predicts enormous losses from US farmers in every sector. Trying to prop up these losses with government subsidies would be very unpopular with his non-agriculture base of voters and Congressmen alike. Instead, Trump has offered farmers genetically altered magic beans.

“These beans were developed by Elon Musk to grow in any type of climate or soil. They can reach towering heights and have root structures that extend deep into the earth. Instead of just producing your usual beans, these beans then gather up minerals from deep in the earth and, mixed with the rarified atmosphere at several thousand feet, produce beans made of solid gold.  

To get these experimental genetically altered beans, farmers must agree to accept these in place of crop subsidies or crop insurance payments.  I spoke to a farmer wearing “Trump was always right” on his red hat said, “These are going to make the American Farmer rich again”.