Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit for Xmas

Hey Kids! This year’s hottest Christmas gift is the Pseudo-Science Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®.  With this fun kit you can devise carefully thought out experiments, and then let you make up your own scientifically sounding facts and conclusions to go with them – just like real pseudo-scientists do.

Wanna  prove the Earth is only 5000 years old, Climate Change is bogus, eating Kale cures cancer, or genetically modified foods make you gay? Simply plug in those conclusions and the facts you’d like to hear, and presto-chango, the Invent Your Own Science Fact Kit Wizard will generate convincing sounding “facts” that prove whatever you want it to. Then it will send out millions of Twitter feeds around the world with those facts and conclusions. The more feeds it twitters, the more truth to those facts and conclusions.

So ask Santa this year for the Pseudo Science Invent Your Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®. Before long you’ll be appearing on FOX news, CNN and  even Congressional Committees just like real pseudo-scientists, all because of the stuff you learned playing with your Invent your Own Science Fact Laboratory Kit.

Scientists Reveal That Some Foods Are Actually Grown in Dirt!

Unsafe Food Shown on Left grown in actual dirt compared to safe food on right manufactured under sterile conditions.

Satirical News Service
Washington D.C.

A recent scientific report commissioned by the Monsanto Corporation revealed for the first time that some foods are actually grown in Dirt! I’m sure you can remember your mother telling you to wash your hands after playing outside because they got dirt on them, or “Don’t eat food you dropped on the ground because it has dirt on it”. Well low and behold what we discovered is that some types of food are actually grown in the stuff! Can you imagine all the bacteria and viruses not to mention all those organic chemicals that are in dirt. You mother was quite right in warning you to stay well away from that stuff. Now we find that some farmers are actually growing food in it. Luckily there are still many foods that are manufactured in clean rooms in nearly sterile antiseptic conditions, and contain useful chemicals that will keep all that nasty bacteria from entering your system.  While some nay-sayers will dismiss this report and say “dirt is healthy”, or “It takes a lot of dirt to kill you”, just remember the admonishment your mother gave you when you were a baby “Stop eating that dirt!”