Trump Debuts as Quarterback for Ohio State in an Unpresidented Football Game

 

Satirical News Service
Columbus, Ohio

 After claiming that he was the one that brought back football in last night’s debate, he contacted the head coach of Ohio State to demand that he quarterback the upcoming game.

Here is a recap of that game

Saturday’s game was certainly unprecedented by any standards of play. Trump waddled out onto the field refusing to wear any protective gear or helmet.  The coaches urged him to study the playbook, but he claimed to know more about football than any of the coaches. He refused to participate in any of the huddles. In the first quarter, he fumbled the ball 4 times resulting in the opposing team scoring two touchdowns within five minutes. When he actually tried to pass the ball, it was intercepted two out the three times with the third time incomplete. When the defensive team came onto the field Trump also demanded to call the play resulting in another touchdown.  In the next offensive play, trump was sacked immediately and then went on a 5-minute tirade caught on mike blaming everyone on his defensive line as being slackers who didn’t know the first thing about football and was surprised that the college even accepted them.  The next play the defensive line basically “sat down” letting the opposing defensive line pile onto Trump. He then demanded that the referee call a penalty for roughing-the-passer. After they refused, he went on another extended tirade calling all the referees fake and biased against his team. He insulted them personally calling their wives ugly and kids retarded. After a few minutes of this Trump was thrown out of the game, but refused to leave until the biggest linemen from both teams hauled him kicking and screaming off the field. Ohio State said they would concede the game and promised to ban him from college football forever. Trump later went on twitter claiming to have won the game by the largest margin in the history of football solely due to his incredible playing that “No one thought I knew anything about football”.

Trump Pushes for Alternative Math to be Taught in Schools

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As Conservatives led by Trump propose altering public school curriculums in Science, Biology, Public Health, and now History, it seems only fitting that they do so with Mathematics. Here is a copy of an example of alternative teaching of Mathematics. 

        1. Which number is greater  250,000,000 or 538?

Ans: If you said the former you are probably a totally ignorant libtard. The answer is obvious to any good conservative that 538 is greater than 250,000,000 because the former  is the number of electoral votes and therefore greater when you factor in all fraudulent ballot stuffing and votes by illegal immigrants.

  I        2.  If you invest in a casino worth 860 million and in 4 years bring its value to less than 1/10 of this, how much profit or losses did you have in this deal.

Ans: Once you have cheated all the investors, and failed to pay the workers, and overvalued your tax losses, and defaulted on your initial loan your net Profit is 980 million.

3.         3. If a novel virus strain is detected  in 1 person on day one and then on day 4 is 24 cases and on day 8 at 1400 cases, how many cases will you have in 2 weeks time

Ans: Zero! The virus will simply vanish in 2 week’s time. No need to panic the people.

4.        4. If I test 10,000 people for a virus and 1200 people die from it, what is it’s R0, or its lethality?                

                 Ans: Zero. None of those people actually died if the virus. It was something else. The numbers of cases and deaths are all inflated by Democrats  just to discredit the duly elected President of the United States.

 

5.           5. If John Billionaire earns 600 million dollars in a year and Joe average makes 50,000 dollars in a year, who will pay more federal taxes for that year?

Ans: If you said John Billionaire, then you are a total loser! Taxes are for suckers. Joe Billionaire paid ZERO taxes and actually got more than 10 million dollars in tax breaks and credits while Joe Average paid $5600 and that is AFTER to “tax break for the middle class” he got after the last “tax-cutting bill” that the Republican Party passed.

 

6.      6. How many does 2+2 equal
         

       Ans: WHATEVER WE SAY IT DOES!!!  If you answered 4 then you are guilty of “Thought Crimes” and room 101 is waiting for you to convince you otherwise.

Trump Brokers Historic Israel – Tonga Peace Accord

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a historic ceremony on the White House lawn today, President Trump sat for the signing of a historic peace accord between Israel and the Island of Tonga. In his statement to the Press Trump said,

“No one even heard of Tonga until I discovered them and got them to sign this history-changing peace accord with Israel. It totally changes the dynamics of the Middle East. Nobody thought we could do this, but I did it. Stockholm – I hope you are listening….N-O-B-L-E peace prize this year for you know who."

Despite the fact that Tonga is located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and thousands of miles from the Middle East and did not even know Israel existed, Trump still claimed that this will open the way to further peace negotiations of foreign leaders and Israel.  At the ceremony the Tonganese King offered Netanyahu a ceremonial conch shell. In exchange Netanyahu offered to have the Tonganese King circumcised to make him an honorary Jew.

It was reported that negotiations had taken months to complete since no one had a phone number for the Tonganese King, or even knew where Tonga was located. It was also reported that Trump offered to sell Tonga one of  the US’s top of the line fighter jets as part of the deal, but it was discovered that Tonga had no runway large enough to accommodate it. Instead, he was given a signed copy of The Art of the Deal.