Times square New Year’s Ball Gets Stuck Midway

 

Satirical News Service
New York

In a bizarre ending to an already bizarre year, the Times Square New Year’s Ball that is dropped annually to ring in the New Year, got stuck this year midway down. Revelers who were watching  hoping to finally put this "anus horriblis" away for good were shocked and appalled.

Meanwhile, Trump Tweeted that this was a sign from GOD that he was the chosen one and that the results of the election should be overturned.

After some consternation, a hapless technician climbed up the pole to nudge the damn thing loose finally ringing in 2021.

Biden Seizes Mar a Lago in First Presidential Act and Turns it into a Homeless Shelter

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In his very first act as President, Joe Biden has issued an executive order seizing Trumps’ Mar a Lago Estate and Golf Course by eminent domain. He plans to turn them immediately into homeless shelters for people evicted or made homeless by his failure to sign the Coronavirus Relief package. The IRS has chimed in as well saying that after completing Trump’s audit he owes far more that he has assets and therefore is seizing any compensation for the seizure by the government.

A furious Trump was told of this as he was in route to Mar a Lago, and informed that upon landing he had nowhere to go.

Plans are being made by the army corps of engineers and contractors who were pulled off of the border wall project to erect a huge tent city on its golf course.

Biden stated afterward “I think I am starting to like being President”.

Trump Dumps Evangelicals: Now Favors Satanists

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington DC 

 

Furious that many of his Evangelical Christian supporters are disputing his false claims that he won the Presidential election by a landslide, and refusing to preach that the recent Christmas conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter signals that he is the new Messiah, Trump tweeted last night, 

“To Hell with all of you! I’m going to favor Satanists from now on. We’ll see how happy you’ll be when they get favorable school prayer rulings. To my new found Satanists friends, tell your master that I’m ready to make a deal!” 

New More Contagious Variant of Republicanism Discovered

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington, DC 

 

CDC officials have become increasingly alarmed at a new variant strain of Republicanism is gaining a foothold in the U S. This variant appears to be far more contagious and possibly virulent than earlier versions. According to the CDC it first was detected in October in small, isolated pockets of Republicans who steadfastly ignored health warnings by staging mass unmasked rallies mainly claiming that the election was going to be stolen by Democrats. By mid-November, cases skyrocketed infecting nearly 70 million people exclusively in the Republicans. It hit Congress especially hard with more than 116 members coming down with the strain. Efforts to control it through ballot recounts and court decisions do not appear to be successful in containing the spread. Researchers have identified patient zero, identified here only as DT to protect his identity. Unlike traditional Republicanism variants, this one seems to produce a mania in its victims. Early symptoms are the inability to distinguish truth from fiction and a complete inability to relate to facts. Once the victims become infected there appears almost no way to cure them. News outlets such as OAN and even Fox News appear to be super-spreaders of this variant. So far, the only hope to contain this is an inoculation of Democratic values that are currently in nationwide trials. One trial is currently underway in Georgia, and nationwide inoculations of this vaccine can begin as early as 2022. It is hoped that if it appears successful in Georgia, the CDC will approve it nationwide in 2022. 

Comedians Saddened by the Cancellation of The Donald Trump President Show in 2021

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Comedians across the USA were saddened to hear the announcement today that the US was officially canceling The Donald Trump President Show following its conclusion in 2020. They expressed regret for this action but his ratings just weren’t good enough to warrant continuing it. Late Night TV hosts such as Steven Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel both stated that they were saddened by this. In a Tweet, Steven Colbert stated, “Before Trump came along I was just a replacement for David Letterman.  Since Trump, I have become my own successful brand. I owe my success to him”.

While Trump’s agents state that he is actively trying to get a new show in 2024, they acknowledge that in show biz there are rarely good second acts.

Trump Issues Executive Order Making Trump University the Ultimate Decider of Presidential Elections

 

Satirical News Service
Washington. DC

After suffering defeat after defeat in the courts and now the Electoral College, Donald Trump today issued an Executive Order making Trump University the ultimate decider of Presidential elections.

“Everyone knows that Universities are higher in the academic chain than mere colleges because they possess superior academic standing and superior knowledge – especially when presented with clearly fraudulent voting results. Therefore today I have made Trump University the ultimate deciders in the 2020 election, and beyond."