Psychic Group wants $10 million to Prove 2020 Election Fraudulent

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the Cyber Ninjas coming up with squat in their 6 month effort to find fraudulent ballots in Arizona, a new group has come forward wanting 10 million dollars in donations to conclusively prove that Biden’s victory was fraudulent. This group is the Patriotic Psychic Society of America; They believe that they have the tools and expertise to conclusively prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the election was stolen from Donald Trump. Its leader who goes by the name of “All Seeing Eye” said in an interview, “We have the necessary tools to get this job done right. These are high-tech Ouija boards 10 times more sensitive than standard ones, crystal balls, Taro cards, and séances conducted by expert mediums who have been communicating with dead people who will swear affidavits that they voted in the last election for Biden by absentee ballot. They will also show that rogue deep state psychics from the Democratic party were seen in trans-like states outside of polling places that had voting machines manufactured by Dominion.  It is well known that some psychics have the power to bend spoons – how much harder would it be to change electronic votes?”

This society claims that it has already been prophesized that Trump will be reinstated in August. We intend to supply definitive proof to make that happen. 

NRA Highlights Chinese Gold Medal in Shooting as Need for More Guns in US.

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After a Chinese woman took the gold medal in rifle shooting at yesterday’s Olympic games in Tokyo, the NRA seized upon this to warn Americans that the Chinese were becoming better marksmen than Americans. “Just think of the horror as millions of Chinese invade our shores and can outshoot us “, said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “We need more guns – Not Less! Instead of trying to get more vaccinations into people’s arms, we need to get more guns into people’s hands and train them how to shoot before those Chinese Commies come over and outgun us!”

Trump Considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon as VP running mate in 2024

 

Satirical News Service
Mar a Lago, FL

Donald Trump let it leak that he is seriously considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon for his running mate in 2024.  In case you missed it Dr. Sanon is under investigation and likely indictment in Haiti for plotting to kill the President there. He is however a dual US and Hattian citizen and resident of Florida and a strong Trump supporter. He is also black and the name Christensen bodes well with Trump's evangelicals. Trump said “He knows how to get things done. Unlike that  weak putz Pence, when Samon didn’t like the election outcome in Haiti, he knew what to do.”

Officials Recommend Demolition of the Remaining Parts of the Republican Party

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington, D.C. 

 

Six months after the partial collapse of Republican party, officials have determined that the remaining Trump Wing of the party demonstrates very poor stability and must be demolished for safety reasons.  

 

Officials had warned of these problems for years, but they continued to ignore them. In the last inspection crumbling moral standards, and lax enforcement of ethical and legal codes were risking a disastrous collapse of the entire structure. Even when this happened many refused to accept that it had actually collapsed, especially those in the remaining standing structure often called the “Trump Wing”. Experts have said that this is at risk of collapsing any minute. One expert told reporters,“Lies are appearing throughout the foundation, and erosion of any moral standing has been going on for a long time because of poor decisions by the owners." 

Despite this, many of the residents there refused to leave saying that the safety assessment is all fake and all the structure needs is some minor maintenance. 

California Governor Gavin Newsom to Send Privately Funded National Guardsmen to South Dakota

 

Lawless Motorcycle gangs descend on South Dakota

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following South Dakota governor Kristi Noem’s announcement of her plan to send “privately funded” National Guardsmen to the Texas-Mexico border to “enforce immigration laws” there, California Governor Gavin Newsome announced plans to send National Guardsmen from his state to South Dakota to manage hoards of motorcycle gangs. In his statement, he said,

“It is a huge crisis in that state. Raucous and lawless motorcycle gangs are ignoring drinking, traffic, and weapons laws  throughout  that state and the governor is doing nothing about it – in fact encouraging them to come for rallies there. I will therefore be sending about 50 National Guard troops that will be directly under my command to enforce the laws there. Taxpayers need  not worry about the cost, as rich Hollywood producers have agreed to fully fund this operation in exchange for movie rights to the ensuing melee."