Evangelicals Now Offering Indulgences – For a Price

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A Group calling themselves  Evangelicals For a Christian Society has declared that they are bringing back a long-dormant practice begun by the 15th-century Catholic Church of offering people indulgences for sins they have committed.  At the time it was a way of keeping powerful men in power who might otherwise be condemned for the atrocious sins they committed. Once they “purchased” their indulgence, the church essentially erased their sin. In this new version, the same principles apply, but the price went up.

Depending on the sin and sinner, the cost may be anywhere from $250 to $3 million. For example, an ordinary person who may have had a one-time homosexual encounter might be able to purchase an indulgence for about $250. For a high-ranking person in a public office, the cost goes up to $10,000. If that is more than one such encounter or several long affairs, the cost could well be in the hundreds of thousands. For a President in is well into the millions of dollars.

Hershel Walker would be a prime example of someone who could purchase an indulgence for paying for abortions and fathering children he refuses to acknowledge and still remain in the good graces of Evangelical voters. The cost however would be in the millions.

Each indulgence would be an artfully decorated certificate that states the name of the sinner and the sin it indulgence. For an additional sum of money, the actual sin or sins would be left off the certificate, but still recorded in the master database. Each certificate bears a facsimile of what the actual signature of Jesus would have looked like – “Jesus Christ”.

There would still be some sins that you could not buy indulgences for. Women who actually have had or are thinking of getting an abortion could not get an indulgence. But men who pay for one or encourage women to get one could. Doctors who perform abortions could not get one either. Also, any transgender person or practicing homosexual could not receive one, but a pedophile of young girls could.

This is all meant to promote a true Evangelical Christian society that furthers our aims with less-than-perfect people.

IRS Sends Chartered Plane load of Agents to Florida to Help in Clean-up Effort

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 As Florida starts to assess the mounting damage from hurricane Ian, it is evident that Florida will need significant help from THEMA, the Army Corp of Engineers, and probably many other federal agencies. Florida Republicans in the state have long viewed it as a “Tax Sanctuary State” with many multi-millionaires living there and paying almost no taxes. Many of those Republicans who railed at the burden “Blue states put on taxpayers” are even now refusing to vote state funds for the cleanup and rebuilding in other states and territories. In response, the IRS has chartered a plane to send 48 IRS agents to Tallahassee to aid in the “clean-up” effort and to make sure that all Floridians pay their fair share of taxes for all the Federal aid they’ll be receiving. They also want to make sure that they do not inflate the value of their losses to avoid taxes.

Red states always seem to complain about the Federal government giving away their tax dollars to Blue states when these so-called natural disasters occur there, but when disasters hit disproportionally in Red states they call on the Federal government to bear the brunt of the costs so that their state governors can spend their honed down state budgets on sending migrants to other states.