Long Lines of Republican Asylum Seekers at US Mexico border

 

Satirical News Service
El Paso, TX

Long lines of Republicans stretched for miles along the US-Mexico border in El Paso, Texas as they await the imminent release of the January 6th Commission recommendations for indictments this week.

“We know what’s coming”, said one asylum seeker.  "Anyone remotely involved with Trump is likely to be named in this report. Our only hope is to seek asylum in Mexico before they release it." The long lines of these Republicans mirror those of Latin Americans seeking to come into the US when the border reopens for asylum seekers. 

One former staffer who wishes to remain un-named remarked “This would have been a lot easier without that damned wall”.

Ron DeSantis Demands an End to Teaching "Woke" Germ Theory of Disease

 

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

After demanding a grand jury investigation into Faucci and the vaccine mandates, DeSantis doubled down demanding an end to the teaching of “germ theory” in public schools upon which modern medicine is based, and instead focusing on teaching “The imbalance of humours” as the cause of diseases.

In his announcement, DeSantis stated, “This is just one more example of pushing the “Woke view” of science. For many years the imbalance of the humours had been taught here in Florida as the primary cause of diseases. Dung poultices, leeches, tobacco, and swinging poisonous serpents overhead were widely accepted here to treat diseases. Now Democrats led by Faucci want us to believe that naturally spreading viruses and germs other than those artificially created in Chinese laboratories are the cause of diseases. They want to force people to take vaccines instead which everyone knows causes autism. We need to stop this, and I’ll  be the one to lead this effort!.”