Airlines Will Now Charge you to Recline or Prevent Seat Reclining

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

After two airliners within the space of a month have had to be diverted due to fights breaking out over reclining seats, some airlines see this as another chance to further gouge their customers in flight.

In a trial test on a long flight, the passenger is charged $20 for the first 3 inches to recline their seat and then $15 per each additional inch to the maximum allowable limit of 10. They must swipe their credit card to “unlock” it. If the person in back of that seats does not want the seat in front of them to reline, they can swipe their credit card and be charged $25 to block it. Then it gets really interesting. If the first person wants to override that block, an ebay like auction window opens up on the in-seat viewers, and a bidding war begins. Whoever bids the highest, gets to control the seat. Airlines figure this could be a gold mine, and might actually mitigate the thousands of dollars lost when they have to divert flights due to altercations breaking out in flight. 

New Version of Statue Of Liberty To Be Erected On Texas Border

Satirical News Service
Laredo, Texas

The Tea Party is now raising money the erect a new version of the iconic Statue of Liberty, to be erected on the US Mexico border. It is expected to be over 300 feet high so that people on the other side of the border fence can see it for miles. As a Tea Party Spokesperson stated “It’s high time we erect a statue that reflects the new view of immigration into the United States.” The inscription on its base will read “Go  the  F*** Home!”

Miss Manners Answers on the Subject of Pot

As more states legalize pot and it becomes mainstream, an entirely new etiquette will have to found. SO expect to see the following advice column coming to your local hometown newspaper.....

Dear Miss Manners

What is the proper etiquette for passing a pipe among friends, and is it proper for the spouse of a friend to light my husband’s pipe or is that implying something 

suggestive?

MM: In small circles the pipe is always passed to the left, unless there are only three of you; in which case any-which-way goes. As for your friend’s spouse, I would have her keep her “flame” for her own husband. It is certainly not proper for anyone but their own spouse to light their husband’s pipe – in every way.

When meeting my father-in-law for the first time, is it a good idea to offer for him to get high with you? I want to leave a good impression on him.

MM: You will have to weigh that with whether you want your first impressions of each other to be as raving idiots in search of midnight munchies. You might make a good impression on him, but leave the wrong one with your future wife. I’d wait on that.

We've been invited to a BYOP party. We have no idea how much to bring. Are we supposed to know how to roll a joint? How much pot do you put into a joint? Also does everyone smoke just their own, or do you pool it all together? Is so is it OK to take home left overs?

MM: Generally everyone is left to their own devices on this. If you are brand new to pot, it is OK not to bring any and share with people there. You can also politely say you don’t know how to roll a joint and get help. Usually people will bring anywhere from ¼ oz to ½ oz. depending on the quality and cost. It’s a lot like BYOB. Some people bring Johnny Walker Black while others bring WILD IRISH ROSE. 

As a rule you do not pool all your pot together. To begin with, people take great pride in their score and want to show off their special stash. You are usually expected to fill the bowl from your own stash (or pass your own joint) when your turn comes. It is impolite to “boggart” or hog a joint or pipe that is passed to you. Since you are not pooling your pot, it is OK to take home whatever is left from what you brought, and OK to take home any extra special brownies if it OK with the host.

We are planning a party and would like to invite our minister. Is it OK to offer him a “hit on the bong”? Are they allowed to do that?

MM: My very first high, when I was a freshman in college, was with our campus minister – so for the most part it is allowed by their ordinances or denominations, but whether they will or not is another matter. If they frequently preach against “the sins of alcohol and the flesh”, I would say, probably not. If they preach about the Coming of the Age of Aquarius, I think you’ll find him or her very receptive.

My husband wants to build shelves in our living room to show off his collection of bongs. I think it’s tacky. Now he wants to display all these decorative medicinal bottles of all the different kinds of weed he has. Do you think it’s tacky?

MM: My dear girl, whether it is showing off cars, beer bottles, or stuffed fish Men must have their trophies. Perhaps you can limit him to one particular wall in an out of the way place to put his stuff. 

Supreme Court Strikes Down 1964 Voting rights Act

Fifty years after its' ground breaking passage, the Supreme Court has struck down the 1964 Voting Rights Act. In the majority opinion written by John Scallia, the court stated that Black poeple are not corporations, and therefore by definition, not people, making them ineligible to vote.

S&M New Startup Airline

Satirical News Service
NY, NY

After a recent study released this year showed that some passengers actually enjoy the hell that airlines like Spirit put them through to get to their destinations, a new startup airlines will be launched this year to cater to just that segment. Promising the worst airline hell you can imagine, this airline is going out of its way to make your entire flying experience miserable  Starting with the booking process, available only online, once the consumer chooses a flight, typically at an unbelievably attractive fare, and proceeds to book it, the WEB page will display an error message just before they can complete the entire process saying that due to a computer glitch, the transaction did not go through. When the consumer attempts to redo the process the fare now has jumped 200%. Other torments include changing short duration non stop flights arbitrarily into multi-stop hells lasting 18 hours or more and changing gates less than one hour before the flight usually to a remote part of the terminal forcing passengers to scramble to gates across the airport frequently involving going through TSA screenings again. Once they board the flight they will typically find only 3 empty overhead bins and cabin attendants extorting $100 or more per bag to check it or leave it behind once they are filled. On board the passengers will find that the seats will not recline and the cushions are all worn causing them to sink into them in awkward stress positions.  Additional cushions can be purchased however for $250 each. The temperature setting on the airflow vents are intentionally set to either freezing or hot depending on which would cause the most discomfort. Although food and beverages are served on these flights passengers much pay in cash with exact change – usually some odd figure like $13.47. No other form of payment is accepted. If the passenger is able to get a meal, they will find it is either frozen in the middle or has gone rancid. No refunds are given. There is only one lavatory on board and only one person at a time may vie for it when it becomes unoccupied.

S&M feels that this could be a new trend in niche airlines catering to a specific airline consumer who wants the airlines to “bring it on”. 

Nigerian School Girls SOLD into Slavery!

Satirical News Service
Legos, Nigeria

In a frightening new development in the Nigerian School girls kidnapping story, Satirical News Service has learned that Abubakar Shekau, the leader of Boko Haram has apparently sold the young girls to one of the most notorious and lawless person on the face of the planet. They were taken by force to his remote and lawless enclave that identifies itself as part of no country. Shown here, in a photo taken by someone close to the new Master, The leader of this group known only to his followers as “Clive” addressed his newly acquired harem .

“Let me tell you something about the Negro…….”

Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma Legislatures Adopt “Death by Obamacare” as Method of Capital Punishment.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following the botched execution by lethal injection of an inmate in Oklahoma this week, three state legislatures have passed bills changing the method of execution to “Death by Obamacare”. Much like Thomas Edison’s push for the electric chair in the 1890’s as a way to show people the inherent dangers of AC current, this method of execution is designed to demonstrate to people how lethal Obamacare can be. Although details of this method are intentionally vague, sources report that it involves a three step process. First the condemned person is forced to appear before a five person “Death Panel”. Next the condemned is placed on a gurney in front of a computer terminal where they are then logged in to Healthcare.gov. Then a team of government appointed doctors mandate certain procedures and test be carried out.

 “While some people in the legislature felt that this represents cruel and unusual punishment, we feel that it suits the purpose of acting as a deterrent to crime and also letting people know just how lethal Obamacare is, by intentionally killing someone with it.”