Entire population of Iowa flees from Toxic Airwave Spill

Satirical News Service
Davenport, Iowa

The entire population of Iowa this week is reeling from what is considered one of the worst toxic airwave pollution incidents in US history. The source of this pollution appears to stem from PAC’s and Super PAC’s spilling tons of untraceable funds into the airwaves prior to the Iowa GOP caucuses scheduled next week. The release of these PAC funds resulted in huge volumes of vitriolic messages and outright lies contaminating the airwaves. Iowans who have been exposed to this barrage stated that they became sick within minutes of watching. To date FEMA and the EPA have not found any way to halt this since their budgets have been slashed. They have advised Iowa residents to avoid turning on their TV during evening hours, to limit their TV watching to no more than 15 minutes a day, and to not answer their telephone that shows an unknown caller. Many Iowa have chosen to just leave the state entirely until after the caucuses are held.

Newt Gingrich Drops Out of US Presidential Race – Decides to Run for North Korea Dictatorship Instead

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Within hours of the surprise announcement of Kim Jong-il's death, presidential GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich made the announcement that he was dropping out of the US presidential race. He has decided instead to focus his efforts on becoming North Korea's next dictator for life.
In a hastily prepared news conference Gingrich stated, "While becoming president of the United States is an admirable goal, I feel that the title of omniscient dictator for life fits much more in line with my hot temper, lavish life style, and devious character. My ascendency to North Korean leader will be a much easier transition for the North Korean people than Kim-Jong Un. Also I'll be less of a threat to the American people with my finger on the North Korean nuclear trigger than I would be with my finger on the US one."

Betcha Rick Perry's A Liar (from the song Tomorrow from Annie)

I Betcha you’re a liar

I Betcha 10,000 bucks that you’re a liar

Your pants on fire!

A liar, A liar I’m such a high flier

With the Elite crowd

I don’t like Rick Perry

Michele is just scary

And Ron Paul he is….

A moron, a moron, so what if I’m Mormon

I still don’t have a prayer

The polls will come out tomorra

And it’ll show just how fara, I’m from victory

To Iowa, To Iowa, I won't get no higha

In the polls today

The Gingrich that Stole Xmas

by
Steven Friedman
(with apologies to Dr. Suess)

All the GOPs down in GOPville liked primaries a lot

Except for the Gingrich who did not

He hated the Primaries, the whole campaign season

And its not very hard to see the main reason

It could be his temper, or the women he's laid,

It could be his lobbying and deals that he made

But whatever the reason his dick or his schtick

The Presidential campaigning made him just sick

He stood on the platform in Iowa last week

And heard all the other candidates speak

Starring down from his podium, he glared at each one

Especially Mitt Romney whom he called a big bum

But he knew every GOP in Iowa just now

Was sizing him up, and to see if he'd WOW.

And he said I must stop those others from winning

but HOW?

I know what I'll do said the Gingrich with glee

I'll buy a lot of ads on prime time TV

I'll say lots of stuff that is stupid you'll see

And I'll show all those GOPS just how T-Party I can be

So he pounced on child labor and immigrants too

and gleamed how his values were red white and blue.

He denounced Obama for passing health care

And wanting to make taxes for everyone fair.

And the pundits were happy, he's the one we agree!

We'll I guess he's better than Cain or Perry

So in a wink of an eye big donations came thru

From un-named sources, and the Koch Brothers too!

And he looked down on GOPville this Xmas and grinned

How he, the Gingrich, had taken them all in.

That Midnight Train to Gitmo

That Midnight Train to Gitmo
(in honor of the passage of the 2011 Defense Appropriations Bill
with apologies to Gladys Knight and the Pips)

Islamabad proved too much for the man,
So he's leavin' the life he's come to know,
He said he's goin' back to find
Ooh, what's left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago.
He's leaving,
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this world
Than let terrorists live in mine.
So he keeps on dreamin'
That someday he'd be freed.
But he sure found out the hard way
That the Bill of Rights ain’t always true.
So we sold out all our hopes
and he even our basic rights too.
And bought a one way ticket
To a lifetime sentence new,
Oh yes we did,
He said he would
Be leavin
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,
And he's goin'
To a place without a date and time.
And I'll be with him
On that midnight plane to Gitmo,

I'd rather live in this new world
Than live with him in mine.
Go, gonna board, gonna board,
Gonna board the midnight plane.
Gotta go, gonna board
Gonna board
Gonna board the midnight plane to Gitmo

A Better Idea for Newt Gingrich on Giving Poor Kids a “Work Ethic”

Newt Gingrich has floated the idea that Child Labor laws should be scrapped so that under-privileged school age children could get janitorial jobs at their school in order to learn a work ethic that they cannot achieve because “there are no role models in their poor housing project environments”. To some degree I agree with Newt, but he’s got it backwards. The best way for poor inner city school age kids to gain that valuable “work ethic”, so much the ethos of the “American Way of Life ,is to employ them not as $3.15 an hour janitors (minimum wage laws do not apply here), but as $30,000 per hour “Historians” and “Advisors” to huge corporations like Freddy Mac, BP oil, and Bank of America. That way they’d really get a taste of what is like to be very rich and over privileged without having to get your hands dirty or pay much in the way of taxes. They could write papers for their wages like “Why I think that knowingly selling worthless bonds to customers is a bad idea”, or “Why ignoring basic safety regulations might cause huge oil spills”, or “Why telling lies about the financial health of your company might not be such a good idea”. These jobs are well within the capabilities of a fourth or fifth grader. With a $30,000 per hour salary could, it would really give them something to aspire to let alone help get them out of poverty.

Meanwhile I would also suggest that lobbyists, politicians, and corporate executives could work as school janitors for sub-minimum wages since in their gated community housing environment they aren’t exposed to unemployed people or real working people who can’t even make poverty level wages.

Captured Pilot of Unmanned Plane Shot down by Iran Confess to Spying for the US.

Satirical News Service
Tehran, Iran

In television images today from Tehran, that evoked memories of Gary Powers in the U2 debacle in the 1960’s, the Iranian government today showed off the captured pilot of the RQ-170 unmanned American spy plane they claim was shot down by its armed forces. In a hastily staged trial, the pilot readily confessed that he was a US spy and his mission was to spy on the sovereign nation of Iran. Pentagon officials believe that this confession came only after hours of grueling torture like the type shown in the image above.

While the US admits to having such un-manned aircraft, they have refused to admit responsibility for the mission or the pilot.