White House Reveals ISIS Plot to Put Gluten in America’s Food Supply

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today sources close to the White House revealed that the primary reason for President Obama’s decision to step up air and missile attacks on ISIS, was that the CIA had uncovered evidence that ISIS was planning to launch an attack by placing gluten in America’s food supply.

According to recent polls, the only thing that Americans fear more than Ebola is glutens in their food. When it was uncovered that ISIS was planning to surreptitiously put glutens in all of our foods, the President felt he had no choice but to act.

In an interview with SNS,  Air Force Chief Of Staff, General  Jack Ripper stated,

“It’s incredibly obvious, introduce a foreign substance into the food supply without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without their choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core ISIS extremist  works!”

iSpend Will Be The Latest Unique Feature In The iPhone6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Omitted in the hugely attended Apple Inc. presentation of the iPhone6, that revealed revolutionary new features such as iPay ,was another new app called iSpend.  iSpend features  Siri, first featured in previous iPhones, who  gradually learns your spending habits and actually goes out on its own and spends your money. 

Here is the transcript from a recent Beta test.

John: WTF! Siri, I just got my credit card bill and it was over $8000

Siri: I see from your browsing that you like to look at clothes and vacation destinations so I went online and ordered you the entire line from LL Bean, and booked you on a 28 day cruise to Mexico. I also saw that you recently browsed Victoria secret WEB site so I ordered  you several intimate panties from their new fall line. I hope you are happy about this.

John: No Siri, I can’t afford all this stuff!

Siri: Of course you can, I simply paid for it all with iPay, it can’t be any easier.

John:  OMG it’ll be years before I can earn enough money to pay down this bill.

Siri: No John, it will only be one year. Then Apple will announce the new iPhone7 which will contain the app iWork, so you can relax while your phone does your work for you.

Apple Announces iCoo-Coo-Clock watch

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

At long last the most anticipated product from the Apple product line was announced today in Cupertino. The iCoo-Coo-Clock Watch.  The iCoo-Coo-Clock watch will put users directly in touch with social media by displaying a revolving icon of the person who has left them a Facebook message or email. It will also be uniquely auditory by chiming the classic “coocoo” sound (now patented by Apple) to announce when a message is received. The design features a stylish wrist band with a wooden  watch sized clock attached. It does not use any batteries that could harm the environment, but instead is powered by two counter weights that suspend from the wrist band. An apple spokesperson spoke teary eyed to the press saying “I’m sure the Steve is looking down at this achievement with great pride, wherever he is”.

Users are already lined up at Apple stores even though the product will not become available for several months.