An ABC Nightly News You Probably Won’t Ever See

ABC News Exclusive – A United Airlines Jet today took off from O’Hare and landed in Cleveland completely without incident. Startled passengers described the flight as completely uneventful.  According to one eye witness, “The plane just landed; wheels down, and then came to a stop at the gate, and the passengers got off". Pictures from cell phones inside the cabin capture the exact moment that the beverage service started, and the looks on the passengers' faces as they received their beverages during this uneventful flight. Many passengers credit the incredible skill of the pilot for performing this unremarkable feat. The NTSB is looking into the cause of this.

In Weather News tonight Tulsa, Oklahoma has been under clear skies and moderate temperatures for six continuous days now. Our Meteorologist is here to explain this bizarre weather pattern, “The Gulf Stream is mostly responsible for this bizarre event, but man made factors cannot be ruled out”. Exclusive pictures from our local news affiliate show people laying out on lawns, sitting on porches, and having picnics outside during this remarkable event.

On our instant index tonight we show Cat videos of kittens playing with a ball of string, and watch this couple take their wedding vows and then kiss.

More to come on ABC Nightly news.

Kenya Expresses Disappointment Over Obama’s Choice For Presidential Library

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

This week after President Barack Obama announced plans to place his Presidential library in Chicago, the Kenyan government went on record to state their disappointment over this choice. As stated by the Kenyan Foreign Minister . “We in Kenya are greatly disappointed  that Mr. Obama has not chosen Kenya, the place of his birth, for his great Library. We will plan to open our own Obama Presidential library here in Kenya to display the great things he has done for our country, and also his true birth certificate. We have received funds to build this library already from your great US benefactor, Mr. Donald Trump!”

More Empty Chairs in the Presidential Election Ring

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As more Republicans last week announced their candidacy with lack-luster enthusiasm from the general public, polls taken by both parties still show “The Empty Chair” polling 15 to 20 points higher than anyone else. This has now attracted attention of other empty chairs who are considering a run for the 2016 presidential election.

Upright Hickory Chair

This chair should appeal to traditional conservatives who believe in austere financial policies, little government support for social programs, and rock solid social values.

The Folding Assembly Chair

This chair should appeal to the Evangelical Religious Conservatives. It conveniently folds to hide whatever sins they have done, but remains rigid and unyielding when it comes to others’ transgressions. It is designed intentionally to be uncomfortable to sit in for more than 20 minutes which is much more time than most people can sit for the other announced evangelical candidates.

The Gay Chair

This is a radically designed chair to appeal to the Gay voters.

The Sofa Chair

This cushy chair appeals to ultra-liberal voters who want government to support everything.

The Board Chair

This chair should appeal to Big Business and Corporations who want to see much looser regulatory regulations and can swivel left or right or up and down depending on business climate.

The Reclining Chair

This should appeal to Liberals and senior citizens to the Left of Hillary Clinton who want more government support for a whole host of social and economic programs. It is designed to go up and down depending on how the polls go.

The Bench

This chair should appeal to the Paul Rand Less government crowd. It provides no back support whatsoever, and is extremely and uncomfortable to sit in.

The Barber Chair

This chair should appeal to Black Men who want to see the White House returned to a Black man.

The Beauty Shop Chair

This chair should to appeal to “soccer moms” and very conservative white women who want to see traditional social values returned to this country.

The Electric Chair

This chair should appeal to stern law and order types who want harsher anti-terrorism measures, more law and order, and less gun control.

The Dunce Chair

This is pretty much what we already have